Mental Health Update

Today is World Mental Health Day!  So I figured . . . what better day to finally come back to my blog and post an update about my mental health journey?

Overall, right now, my mental health is in a really good place.  In the time since I moved to Washington, I've gotten a psychiatrist, been diagnosed with OCD, and started on a new antidepressant.

The thing is, my mental health had been dipping quite a bit before I left AZ.  For probably the last year that I was in Flagstaff, I started developing OCD symptoms.  Now, I struggled with OCD as a child, and there's always been a small element of it with my issues, but it had never been a huge problem for me as an adult.  When Jenny and I got to WA, the OCD peaked--I'm sure the stress of the move and the transition into working from home contributed.  It got to a point where it was impacting my life: showering was a massive undertaking that took hours, I couldn't leave the house without doing multiple OCD routines, I wasn't sleeping . . . it was a nightmare.  I started seeing my psychiatrist in the summer of 2017, and at that point, the plan was just to get me re-medicated and see if that helped.  I had hopes that it would, because the OCD had been getting worse as my medication issues had gone on (remember, I didn't have a regular psychiatrist and regular prescriptions for the last year or so I was in Flagstaff).

For all of 2018 I did well with my meds, but the OCD just got worse.  So in January of 2019, I told my psychiatrist I needed something different, because I just couldn't do it anymore.  I had done a lot of research and I asked to be put on Zoloft.  Thankfully my doctor was totally on board, and he thought Zoloft was a great option for me.  So we started that, and I titrated up to a 200 mg/day dose, and . . . it has actually helped a TON!  I've eliminated or limited a bunch of routines, and even with the stuff I'm still working on, my life isn't nearly as impacted by it.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER than I used to, so much more capable of just living my life.  It's great.  And hopefully it keeps getting better, because there are definitely still some things I'm working on.

Another thing that's been really good the past year-ish has been that I've been able to really think about my issues and kind of delve into them and figure myself out.  For example, I've recognized a very specific anxiety trigger that has been with me since I was a kid, I was just never able to quantify it before.  And I recognize that my OCD gets worse in certain situations, like when I'm PMS-ing.  

My overreaction/rage issues are pretty much completely gone.  That's probably the biggest change I've noticed about myself is that I'm just calm about things that, if they happened years ago, would have made me break down.  Last fall, for example, Jenny and I went to leave the apartment to run errands one day, and the car wouldn't start.  I couldn't get it towed for a couple days, and then it took a few days to fix, and . . . it just didn't bother me.  I mean, I wasn't thrilled, because it was a very expensive annoyance, but I took the bus when I needed to go out (I was still working at home when this happened) and just . . . handled it.  As frustrating as it was, it was good to see that progress.  I'm just a lot more capable of dealing with life than I used to be.

I also have a much stronger sense of self than I used to.  That was something I struggled with for a long, long time--feeling like I didn't know myself and had no clue who I was.  And I remember stressing about weird things like not having a cohesive set of hobbies and stuff like that.  But now I'm in a place where I can just embrace and be happy with whatever I feel like doing because . . . it's all me.  (I know that's cheesy as hell but it's true!)  Some days I write, some days I sew, some days I hike, some days I play Overwatch . . . and it's all awesome and I love it.  I actually LIKE myself now and holy crap, it's a good feeling.

And of course, Jenny has been a fantastic help and support through all of this.  I truly don't know what I'd do without her.  (For the record, we're still just roommates/best friends/exes . . . and it's still easy and not weird or awkward or anything.)  

I really am happier and more content than I've ever been as an adult, and I have so much hope and optimism for the future!  I think things will only get better from here.

New Chapters

After I got laid off at MHC, I took some time to just . . . do nothing.  My severance package and PTO cash out was pretty generous, so I wasn't in a super big hurry to find something new.  I decompressed and got some cleaning and organizing done around the house, I went to the gym, I played Overwatch.  And then I filed for unemployment in AZ, which was denied because my wages were reported in WA (that was a whole dumb thing), and that got approved.  And then I edited my resume (after not touching it in like 7 years) and added MHC to it.  And then, finally, I decided it was time to start looking for a new job.  (I honestly don't know why/how I was so calm about it, but I really was . . . My gut feeling was that it wouldn't take me too long to find something).

Anyway, I've been active in AAPC since I moved up here (I'm actually chapter secretary at the moment, for the second year in a row), and one of the things we ask is for members to let the group know about job openings.  And as I was getting ready to start my job search, I remembered that another AAPC member had been announcing a coding job for quite awhile, working in the physician's practice area of a local hospital.  It's really weird because the very first time she announced it, I thought it sounded really interesting, and for a minute I wondered if it was time for a change.  But I decided against it.

Well, the job was still available, and I found it on Indeed and applied.  I figured since it had been open so long I had a good chance, even if I wasn't quite as experienced as they wanted.  Within like . . . 2 days of applying, they asked for a phone interview, which I did.  And then I had to do an in person interview, which took forever to schedule (it's a long story, basically the dept. currently has an interim director who is based in Virginia, at corporate headquarters, and she is only in Olympia like once a month for a few days).  My phone interview was January 13th, and my in person interview was on January 21st.  The in person interview went SO well.  I just had so much confidence going in.  I truly don't know where it came from, because I was pretty anxious like . . . until I walked into the building.  And then, I don't know what happened, but . . . it was awesome.  The interview ended up lasting a little over an hour, and when I left, I just felt like . . . yeah, this one's mine.  Very much like how I felt after my MHC interview. 

I officially got an offer on January 29th/30th, and on February 4th I went in and did new hire paperwork/drug testing/background check stuff.  I didn't get to start until February 17th, because the hospital only has new hires start every 2 weeks, and every new hire has to do a whole day group orientation.  There were only 2 other people in my group so that was kind of cool.

So far it's gone really well.  After the first day in my department, I was just pumped.  I like my job (some A/R, some coding, eventually a lot of auditing/provider education), I love my boss, and my office mate is my AAPC friend who actually announced the job!  I'm currently working from home again because of the pandemic and it hasn't been bad, but I do miss the office.  The system and processes are very different than at MHC and it's been an adjustment for sure, but in a good way.

AND while I was looking at job listings online, I came across one for a sleep clinic called ISC.  Jenny had applied there before because a couple of her coworkers had left ORS for ISC because they pay and benefits were better.  She never got a call back the first time.  But as all this was going on, things were getting bad at ORS.  Like Jenny was basically doing the work of 3 people and hadn't gotten a raise since just after she started, and she was still making minimum wage.  The owner of ORS just "doesn't do" cost of living raises--he only believes in merit raises.  And she was already doing 3 jobs so . . . what else could she possibly do to go above and beyond?  The ISC ad posted when I was looking for work said they were urgently hiring, so I let Jenny know.  They called her back really quickly, and she got the job!  She actually started at ISC on February 11th.  She's SO much happier there and so glad to be done with ORS.  Even moreso considering that if she was still at ORS, she'd be the only biller because 2 people have quit, AND the supervisor is on indefinite medical leave.

So we both got new jobs, and we both got raises (Jenny got $3/hour, I got $5/hour).  I definitely feel like I was ready for a change, and as much as I loved MHC, maybe getting laid off was a good thing.  I feel like I'm finally in a truly adult job, and I like working somewhere local.  And with our new combined income . . . I don't really want to say much and jinx it but let's just say homeowner-ship is no longer completely out of the question for us.  I mean, it's still going to be awhile, because my hours got cut because of the pandemic, and I have some new fun medical debt, but STILL.  Once things get back to normal . . . fingers crossed!

Goodbye MHC

Remember how I said a few posts back I was still working for MHC and loving it?

Yeah, that's no longer the case.

This story actually starts in 2019.  I found out that one of our doctors was retiring, and that another was leaving at the end of the year.  Didn't seem like a big deal.  But then I found out another doctor was leaving, and then a month or so later, another one.  It was super weird.  And then we got a company wide email that mentioned something about "if patients want to follow Dr. A or Dr. B to the hospital blah blah blah."  And that was super super weird because in 2016, the hospital had closed its outpatient cardiac clinic, partnered with MHC to take over that service line, and we'd taken on most of their doctors and patients.  I mean, that's literally the whole reason I got to keep my job at MHC when I moved.  That email also said that no one was being laid off, but that no one who quit was being replaced.  So . . . bad signs all around.  I started to worry a little about my job security.

But we still had a handful of doctors, plus our mids and techs, and I had faith.

And then, in November, the last doctor standing AND his mid decided to go to the hospital as well.  This meant that, essentially, by March of 2020, we'd have only one cardiologist, a sleep doctor, and a handful of mids as far as providers go.  At that point I alternated a lot between being absolutely convinced I'd be losing my job around my birthday, and being sure that since I was a very senior member of billing, plus a remote (and lower cost) employee, I'd be fine and manage to stay on through the craziness.

I was actually wrong on both counts!  On December 30th (a Monday, my first day back after Christmas vacation), I got a call from my boss, letting me know that massive cuts were being made and I was being laid off.  I was LITERALLY the first person to be let go.  Which felt just great.  The entire department except for the manager and the other coder got fired.  So did most of auth., and I'm assuming a good chunk of records/front desk types.  It was a terrible, terrible way to end the year.  I can't really say it was out of nowhere, but based on when each provider was leaving and how much outstanding stuff they had out there, I really didn't think it would happen that fast.  But it was . . . abrupt.  I think it's because I wasn't in the office.  I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, or like . . . have any kind of option of coming back if I had to.  It was pretty much you're fired, log off, and my access was terminated by the following morning.  Just like that, after 7 years . . . over.  It was surreal.  I just felt very lost.  Not just because I had to find another job after so long, but because I knew I was going to have to transition back into working outside of the house.  That was daunting.  (It worked out, though, and I got a new job pretty quick, and I like it, and Jerbs also got a new job in the process, but more on that later).

Really the big takeaway from the story is this: the hospital absolutely, 100% fucked MHC over.  Apparently what the hospital meant when they said they wanted to contract with us for 10 years, what they actually meant was that they wanted to watch how MHC ran things for 3.5 years to learn how to do it correctly, then steal their doctors back, reopen their clinic, and tell MHC to fuck off.  They had to pay a LOT of money to do it, between the penalties in our contract and buying out some of the doctors' contracts.  It's fucking garbage.  On top of that, MHC's medical director and founder (who literally started MHC because he saw how awful the hospital was with outpatient cardiology and was sick of it) opted to retire instead of going to work for the hospital.  Really, that was the best option for him, but it sucks for the community to lose such a great cardiologist.

As of April 17th, MHC as a clinic closed and was bought by the hospital, so essentially they fucked us and then bought our building so that the can expand into it.  The official story is that our medical director approached them about a sale because he was ready to retire . . . which is total bullshit.

As sad as I am about MHC closing and losing my job and everything, I'm more pissed about what the hospital did to us.  It's just so epically shitty.  And this was probably the hospital's end goal the whole effing time, and that's really infuriating too.  It's sad because MHC's founder's goal was to eventually take over the outpatient line for the hospital, and it was such a huge deal that he finally accomplished it.  And it ended in bullshit.  (Although, interestingly, I heard through rumors as all this was going down, that over the years after MHC opened, it was the first CEO who was reluctant to make a deal with the hospital.  The whole deal picked up steam after he left a few years back.  So I kind of wonder if he had a feeling that something like this would happen.  It doesn't really matter, but I am curious).

So that's that.  I'm still sad.  But like I said, I have a new job, in Olympia, and I really like it, and I'm making like $5/hour more than I was at MHC, and I think being out of the house is good for me right now.  Well, not RIGHT now, because I'm currently working from home again because of the Covid19 pandemic.  I'm extremely grateful for MHC because it really came along RIGHT when I needed it, and it led to so many good things.  It increased my confidence, taught me a LOT of valuable skills, led to me getting a professional certification . . . all of those things were necessary to get the job I have now.  Plus I wouldn't have Max if it wasn't for MHC, because I got him from a co-worker, and I love that little sausage dog more than I can say. 

It really feels like the end of an era, the end of something really big and important and meaningful, and that sucks.  But at the same time, I am SO happy for this next chapter, whatever it brings!

Nikolai James

I'm still not sure how much of the past few years I'm going to get around to blogging about, but the story of how we got our little buddy, Niko, is too good not to share.

Like I said in my last post, Jerbs' mom unexpectedly passed away last year.  It truly came out of nowhere and I think it goes without saying that it was just a terrible, terrible time.  The combination of the loss and being so far away when it happened (because we were in WA, obviously) was just . . . overwhelmingly bad.  And on top of that, there was a huge delay as far as the funeral/burial, and because that was all so uncertain, we weren't able to plan flights and had to road trip to AZ.  That drive suuuucks.

So anyway, we were in Kingman at the end of June.  Jane's whole side of the family (9 brothers and 2 sisters plus their spouses and kids and, in a few cases, grandkids) were in town.  I really only spent time with them on the days of the services for Jane, but Jerbs, of course, was with them non stop.  The week we were there, Austin was playing in a baseball tournament; he had a game on Thursday night, a few days after we arrived, and by then, Jerbs needed a break from her fam, so she came with my family and me to Austin's game.

Now, my brother in law was there with my step nephew and step niece; my step niece (Nic) isn't super into actually watching ball games so she was off playing with her friends at the park.  Nothing too new or exciting, but about halfway through the game, she walks up to the bleachers, carrying this tiny little grey kitten, and she pretty much holds it out to her dad and my sister and says, "I found this in a bush!  I stuck my hand in to get it and it didn't bite me!"

The parentals were pretty much like, um, no, you can't have a cat.  But I was sitting a little above them at the top of the bleachers and I could tell that the cat was possibly a Russian blue, so I called Nic over and took him.  Sure enough, it was a little boy Russian blue, mauve paw pads and all.  Jerbs and I were completely in shock.  He fell asleep in Jerbs' lap, and pretty much didn't move for the rest of the game.  We pretty much knew right away that we were going to be taking him home, because . . . well, how could we not?  Thankfully Jerbs' aunt said he could stay at her house until we left, so after the game, we bought him some kitten food and a little litter box and all that, and took him over.  He spent a few days there, and was spoiled/cuddled/loved on by all of Jerbs' aunts and uncles.  We also put ads on Craigslist and Facebook, just in case he was somebody's cat already, but by the day we were leaving, we'd had no responses.

So we brought him home to WA with us.  He loved the car ride home, and loved the dogs right away (and now he thinks he's a dog); he slept on my pillow in the hotel when we stopped for the night.  For the first couple months we had him home he slept in my room, usually on my pillow, until he decided he was too big for that.  He's a very brave cat--we intended to kind of keep him alone in my room for a week or so, because he was tiny and the apartment and other cats are so big.  But . . . Niko had other ideas, and within a day he'd completely slipped past me and explored the house and met Irene and Ilya.

The girl cats have done OK with him.  Irene is mostly disinterested, although she will sometimes lay next to him.  She'll also kick his ass when he tries to jump her, which is usually pretty entertaining.  He and Ilya are friends, though, and they cuddle and he grooms her and she sort of actually plays with him.  Sometimes he's a bit much for her (he plays VERY aggressively sometimes) but mostly it's all good.  And he still loves the dogs, and his fave thing is playing with Hollie.

We struggled naming him.  We considered desert-ish names (Sage, Saguaro, Mesquite, Zona, Tumbleweed) and Peanuts related names (Snoopy, Woodstock, Spike) and Russian names (Ivan, Tolstoy, Leo, Dostoevsky).  Eventually we settled on Nikolai, both because it's Russian and because it's similar to my step niece's name, Niko for short, with a middle name of James to honor Jane.  Niko loves feather toys more than anything, he begs for treats with the dogs every morning, he walks on a leash like a champ, he and Jerbs usually fall asleep together on the couch on Friday nights, and when he was little he liked to be zipped up into my sweatshirts to keep warm.  He is the sweetest, cutest, dumbest little thing and we love him so much.

I firmly, absolutely, 100% believe that Niko was sent to us by Jane to help us through the grief of losing her.  The odds of finding a Russian blue kitten in (essentially) the desert, at the time that both of us happened to be there despite living 1200 miles away, the day after we laid Jane to rest . . . He was a gift from her.  And the fact that he was so calm once he was with us, even though the crowd was cheering and there were other games going on and loud announcements happening--it was like he knew he'd found where he was supposed to be.  Jerbs' aunts and uncles all agreed.  I am so grateful that we got him, because I think he really has helped Jerbs through losing her mom; he's a tiny tangible reminder that her mom is watching over her, and that's beautiful.

And now some pictures of our little pal.

Stealing my office chair.

Cuddling with Jerbs on the drive from AZ to WA.

The first time he got into my window on his own.

All zipped up in my sweater.  This was how I worked for most of his first winter with us.

Growing up handsomely.

He sleeps in the funniest positions.

Hiding under the Christmas tree table so he could jump out
at the dogs.

When he got neutered and had to wear the cone.

He LOVES to shred paper products, so if paper towels,
toilet paper, tissues, etc. get left out . . . they get attacked.

A (Sort Of) Triumphant Return(ish)

Well, long time no see Life and Times of Ica.

I remember when I was first blogging, I'd find other blogs that hadn't been updated in years, and the last entry would be just a normal one, and I'd wonder what happened that made the writer just stop.  And now . . . here I am 2+ years since I posted and the answer is that LIFE happens.  Honestly, it hasn't been anything crazy exciting, just life.  Some bad, some good, some amazing, some awful.  Way way way too much to put into just one blog post.  Probably way way way too much to blog about, period, but I think I'm going to try.  I actually do miss this little space, and I started it back when what I was documenting was 90% misery.  There are definitely some good times on here too, but I think there should be more of them now that I'm, y'know, happy. 

So briefly . . .

The good/amazing:
--we are still in WA and we still love it
--I'm still working for MHC and loving working from home; Jerbs works in medical billing too now and she loves her job
--we still have Max and Hollie and Irene and Ilya, and they're all healthy and happy
--we have a new cat named Nikolai, and 2 rats named Juniper and Delilah
--I joined a gym that I really really love
--I'm subbing in multiple handbell choirs
--I actually have a love life!  (or . . . really a sex life, I guess, and I love it)
--I think I've finally gotten to the very root of my mental health issues and I'm finally on a med regimen that is WORKING
--over the past couple of years Jerbs and I have seen Game Grumps Live, NSP live, the Mountain Goats, Alton Brown, Neil Gaiman, TSO, Maroon 5 . . . and we're seeing the Mountain Goats and Morrissey in September
--the Goldwomen bought a HOUSE  earlier this year! (I have yet to visit them and see it, but I'm going to someday!)
--the Flicks had another baby and she's AMAZING, and their first baby is now a toddler who is also AMAZING . . . I legit love those kids and their parents; they also bought a new house since I last blogged and it's super cute
--Jerbs' cousin had a baby and he's 2 now, and he's adorable, and hilariously fearless
--Austy is TEN and started 5th grade the other day, and I'm blown away both by the little person he's become and by how it seems like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby; he's smart and funny and an amazing baseball player and I just love him
-Austy is also a BIG BROTHER now!  my sister had a baby girl in January, her name is Logan, her birthday is close to mine and Jillian's, and she's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen
--related--my sister is married!  she met this awesome guy in 2017, they fell in love, got engaged at a Dbacks game, had a baby, and had a mini wedding in April . . . their real big wedding is next April (on their 1st anniversary) and I'm so excited!  I'm so genuinely, over the moon happy for my sister
--my new brother in law has 5 kids from a previous marriage, so I have 4 step nephews and a step niece . . . I've mt two of the nephews and they're awesome, and my step niece is just adorable and I love her

The bad/awful:
--I went through a pretty awful bout mental health wise for awhile
--Jerbs' mom passed away last year
--around the same time, a friend/sorority sister from college passed away while giving childbirth
--literally everything about the Trump administration . . . thank God next year is an election year, hopefully it'll be the end of this utter bullshit nightmare

I think that's about it.  Life is pretty good at the moment, minus constantly missing Jane.  Hopefully sometime soon I can write more in detail.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this lovely picture of our neck of the woods--Capitol Lake and the capitol building in Oly.

2016 Year In Review

It's mid-March and I haven't posted a word to this space in 2017.  So I figured I'd start with my annual year in review entry, even though it's 2.5 months overdue.

January
Since this was more than a year ago I'm struggling a little to remember.  I know it was cold AF in Flagstaff and I know we got at least one MHC snow day, which was AWESOME.  In January I also finally bit the bullet and bought plane tickets to Seattle!  This month Jerbs and I started talking seriously about moving to the PNW.  Also, the X Files returned for a little mini run of new episodes, which I was suuuuuper excited for, and which was ultimately very disappointing.  I remember that Jenny got sick in January and got her first ever prescription medication, so . . . I guess that was a milestone for her.  I also had a good review at work this month, even though I didn't get the raise I wanted.

February
I turned 31!  My 31st birthday was pretty freaking great.  I got to spend it with Jerbs and felt very loved by my family, friends, and co-workers, which is always nice.  Plus I ate a Brewer's Platter, and any day that involves that is a good day.  At work, I got a better raise and, as the hospital deal talk ramped up, I found that I would potentially get to keep my job when I moved.  That was seriously one of the best things to happen to me last year, and I feel so fortunate to have MHC in my life.  It was a leap year so we had a February 29th and sadly, I didn't have any yellow and blue clothing that fit to wear in honor of the day.

March
In March, the hospital board voted to officially go through with the deal with MHC, and I can't even describe the weight lifted off my shoulders when I really knew I wouldn't have to find a new job in WA.  This month we celebrated Max and Hollie's adoption anniversaries--3 years and 2 years, respectively.  My car hit 100,000 miles and we discovered Brandy's for brunch.  I honestly don't remember much else happening that month . . . probably lots of just planning for the move and bitching about our next door neighbor.  I do remember that at the end of the month, one of my former MHC co-workers, who's still very much a part of the MHC family, suffered a very terrible family loss that absolutely broke my heart.

April 
Based on scrolling through my Facebook and the pictures on my phone, April was a pretty uneventful month.  I worked out once or twice and took pictures of my pets and worked my two jobs.  We had nice weather in Flagstaff though!

May
In May the hospital merge became official, and my work family grew a whoooole lot right at the beginning of the month.  It was stressful, overwhelming, exhausting, and AMAZING.  I am so unbelievably proud of my work family.  Also in May I found out that my sorority chapter's charter at NAU was being pulled, effectively ending the existence of TBS at NAU.  Theresa came to town and we went to an outgoing sisterhood ceremony, which was really a lovely experience that I'm grateful for.  Also in May, Jerbs and I went to see Alton Brown's live show, which was really weird and random but also really, really awesome!  (So awesome that we're going to see it again next week in Portland, ha).  And of course, the big event in May was our trip to Seattle, which was both fun and terrible, because while Seattle was and is awesome, I was so effing sick the entire time.  However, even though I wish I'd been well enough to enjoy it, I'm really glad we went.

June
The first thing I remember about June is the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando.  I can't even begin to put into words the horror and heartbreak I felt seeing the news about that break.  It is such a terrible, sickening thing, and that it was even possible for it to happen just . . . I don't know.  I lost a lot of faith in humanity that day and I'd be lying if I said I was fine now.  But the night after the shooting was the Tony awards, and the show of compassion and honoring the victims there was very moving.  I also discovered Hamilton, the musical, and seriously listened to nothing else for the next 2 months.

July
July was a fun month.  Jerbs and I spent a quiet Independence Day at home and watched the fireworks from our porch, as usual; it felt a little reflective because it was our last one in Flagstaff, and I thought about that a lot.  Also in July, a bunch of TBS alumni came to town for a sisterhood ceremony/camp out deal, which meant I got to see Theresa and Jenna, plus some other sisters I hadn't seen for years.  It was amazing to see everyone, and even though it was sad that it was because of the charter being pulled, I'm so, so, so glad it happened.  I will be the first to admit that I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, so on the rare occasion I get to be social with old friends, it's wonderful.  The weekend after the campout I went to Vegas with Theresa and her in laws and had a freaking BLAST.  I seriously have such a great time with them, hands down one of the best weekends of the whole year.  While we were there, one of Theresa and Jenna's good friends from SLC (who I met at their wedding and became fast friends with) was randomly there too, so we got to meet up and hang out with him.  It was awesome and well worth the long drive.

August
We packed and moved stuff to storage and I realized that nothing was going to happen as planned with the move and more or less flipped out.  My dad and Jillian came to visit as well, so that was nice.  I had my last day at SHF.  What I'll always remember most about August of 2016, though, was that a deep, horrible, and completely unexpected tragedy hit my MHC family right at its core.  I cried for days while I tried to get things together for the move, I broke down to my mom over the phone, I leaned on my co-workers and let them lean on me.  I still don't feel fully recovered from what happened.  MHC still doesn't either.  It's one of those things that causes an irreversible change: we're flourishing as a clinic but we'll never, ever be quite the same as we were before this happened.  I will never forget parking my car, thinking about nothing other than how happy I was it was Friday and how my dad and sister would be there that afternoon, then being met before I even went inside by a co-worker so I could be given the bad news before I saw anybody else.  Walking through the halls to my office that day, my co-workers just looked like how I felt: drained, shocked, pale.  It was truly a haunting experience.  For reasons, I'm not going into more detail than that.  On the last day of August we moved out of our apartment.  On the day we were moving out, Theresa called to let me know that something had happened and TBS' charter pull was not happening after all, and basically our sorority gets to continue existing as if nothing ever happened.  I honestly still don't know exactly what went down, I know there was some kind of drama with the DOB and ADOB, but that's the extent of it.  Still, I'm happy to know that Alpha Chi gets to go on.

September
This is the month Jerbs and I moved to Washington.  I still don't want to talk about what a terrible experience that was so I'm not going to.  Other than moving into our apartment, this was the month I started working from home, which is super weird but also really nice.  Jerbs mostly job hunted this month, so I got to explore our new city by driving her to interviews and then finding nearby coffee places with free WiFi where I could work from my laptop.  Oh, I bought a new laptop this month, which was very exciting!  Also this month, Jerbs found out that her cousin (who she grew up with and is more like a sibling) was pregnant.  The weather was crazy nice here so we did a little bit of outdoor exploring around town, mostly just walking the dogs at parks and stuff.

October
Jerbs found a job this month, which was a huge relief to us both!  (Long, long story as to why she didn't have a job before we got here, but that's part of the whole moving related trauma so I'm not going to write about it).  She's working in medical billing (woohoo!) doing basically what I used to do at MHC.  I'm really proud of her, and she seemed to really like her job/co-workers right off the bat.  One of our best friends from college had a beautiful baby girl last October, and we were both super thrilled about that!  We're both SO excited to eventually meet her.  This month we went to Portland to see Game Grumps Live, and that was AWESOME!  We had SO much fun at the show!  That same weekend we had a huge storm, so downtown Portland was basically a river (we most definitely walked through water that went over the top of my boots at one point . . . Jerbs was wearing cons so she was pretty unhappy).  Regardless of how wet we got, it was totally worth it, and I've been a Grumps fan ever since.

November
What I remember most about November is the fucking election.  Needless to say I was disappointed in the results, and I've been steadily more disappointed in what's going on.  My sweet little nephew turned 8, which makes me feel suuuuper old.  I experienced having to change the clocks for Daylight Savings Time for the first time, which was trippy.  The first day after the change, it was so dark at 5 PM when I went to pick up Jerbs at work that I actually had to turn on my headlights, so that was weird.  Jerbs and I spent Thanksgiving at home and this year we actually cooked our own turkey and sides instead of buying the precooked ones, I was proud of us and our dinner turned out really well!  The best part of this Thanksgiving was that since Jerbs is now in a medical field that isn't urgent care, she had the same days off as me (Thurs., Fri., Sat., and Sun.) so we got a long weekend together.  This month, after Thanksgiving, I pretty much stopped eating fast food and started cooking for myself!

December
We went to Jerbs' work Christmas party, which was fun.  It was at a nice restaurant on a golf course and the food was really good.  Jerbs got us an electric griddle through this little silent auction they do so that was cool, we've used it quite a bit since then.  It is seriously GIGANTIC though, so it's hard to store.  This month I cooked a lot and got more used to that.  I also made us new Christmas stockings and a garland and stuff, our place looked super cute for the holidays.  The worst part of this month was that we didn't get to go home for Christmas.  I was really sad about that, because I've only ever spent one Christmas away from my family (when I was engaged and we spent Christmas with his family), and it was hard.  So I know that I need to plan better for 2017 so I can be home for Christmas.  We went to Seattle on Christmas Eve for Jerb's birthday; we went to Pike's market and a Harry Potter themed gingerbread house exhibit at a hotel in downtown Seattle (apparently the gingerbread houses are an annual thing, and there's a different theme each year, so we'll be going again in 2017).  Then on Christmas day we made ham and stuff, and exchanged a few gifts, and mostly it was just another day.  For NYE, we went to a ramen place in downtown Olympia that was really tasty, then came home and just watched a movie.  It was very low key and uneventful.

And that's it.  All in all . . . not really the best year, mostly a mediocre one with some shining moments.  I'm hoping 2017 is leaps and bounds better, and I'm hoping to blog more going forward.  I used to love this little space so much, and now it's so neglected!

A General Update

First and foremost: Jerbs and I moved to Washington.

It was actually a horrible experience.  Like, a legitimately traumatizing experience.  Probably the worst days of my entire life (with the exception of when I was super sick with the bipolar disorder).  It was all so shitty that I honestly don't even want to write about it in detail because I have zero desire to relive any of it.

That being said, I like living in WA.  I love all the rain and the fall color and our apartment's nice and our neighborhood's nice and Jerbs loves her new job.  I'm still trying to decide how I feel about working from home but for the most part it's not bad.

I've really been in just kind of a funk for awhile now.  Kind of down, kind of out of it, kind of just disengaged and moving through life without really touching anything.  I work in my laptop from my bed all day, then I go get Jerbs from work and we usually run errands or eat or whatever, then we come home and I lay in bed and watch stuff on YouTube or Netflix until it's time for bed, at which point I go to sleep in my bed.  So basically I spend most of my time in bed.  My room is a total mess and 80% of our stuff is still in boxes but I absolutely can't find the energy or motivation to get up and actually unpack and settle in.  I'm assuming that's because of how bad everything went, I don't want to really engage with living here.

It's starting to worry me because I do want to live my life.

Honestly, if God or the universe or whatever came to me right now and gave me the option of just having stayed in Flagstaff, I'd probably take it.

And based on how the election results are looking right now my depression's about to get a whole fucking lot worse, so yay.

Twenty Eight Days

Today the countdown on my phone says 28 days until we move.  That's only 4 weeks and holy shit, that's insane.

I'm starting to hit my panic mode.  I don't know why exactly but I'm just starting to stress big time about all of this.  I feel like not enough's done, like I'm not ready, like I'm not really engaging and this is all just kind of happening too fast.  Which is stupid, because I've known this was coming for a really, really long time.  But seriously, I feel like we got back from our trip, and at that point we had 3 months until the move and that was plenty of time, and then I blinked and now it's August and we're down to 4 weeks to get everything ready to go.  It's unreal.

I'm telling myself that it'll be OK.  Everything's going to work out however it's supposed to and in the meantime all I can do is keep packing and preparing as much as I can.

But I'll be very glad when all this is over and we're moved and settled.