Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Remember When?

Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic.  I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.  

I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off.  I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before.  I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever.  I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time.  I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me.  I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any.  I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off.  I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.

And all that wasn't even our first date.  Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.

I really do miss him.  And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him.  It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do.  I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit.  I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him.  I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.

I'm done with that.  I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him.  Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there.  I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.  Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.

I want to be with him.  I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful.  Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with.  There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that.  I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever.  I'm OK with that.

3 Years Ago And Some Thoughts On Regret

Three years ago I was falling in love.  Being swept off my feet by a guy I never would have expected to end up with.  It was all so beautifully unexpected because neither one of us was looking for anything resembling a relationship when we met but things just clicked too much for either of us to stop.  I'll never forget the first few months of that relationship--staying up all night eating cold pizza and drinking root beer and talking about everything, flipping my TV back and forth between football and Dancing With the Stars on Monday nights, him playing our song and dancing at his apartment . . . it was wonderful.  I don't think I could have imagined a better start to anything; it was exactly what I wanted, even if I didn't know I wanted it, even if before I'd never really imagined myself spending the rest of my life with anyone.  I fell for him on our first date, lying in his arms in a raft under the stars in the middle of a lake.

But three years ago, I was sick, too.

The thing is, when I look back over the past year, over the time that he and I have been apart and the time I've spent getting better, I feel nearly nothing but pride.  Because I know--I know--that I have accomplished something tremendous.  I've talked about it time and time again, and I'm sure I'll talk about it more in the future, because it's true.  I know exactly how far I've come and exactly how much better I am.  I'm aware of it every single day.  And I am grateful for it every single day, even on less than awesome days.

I've worked hard to get to where I am now, and I like my life.  And I really want to be able to look back and say that if all I got out of that relationship was this, then that's fine.  That's enough.  That whatever happens after that is just icing on the cake.

But I just can't think like that.  Not now, anyway.

Because sometimes when I think about what I've accomplished, it just doesn't feel as good as it should.  I'll never, ever think that it was pointless, because it wasn't.  I wouldn't trade being mentally healthy for anything.  I needed to get better, regardless of what was going on in my life otherwise.  That wasn't a maybe, that was a for sure.

But at the end of the day, no amount of being better can change the fact that I spent a pretty big chunk of time treating an amazing person who loved me and was trying to help me like absolute dirt, and that guilt and regret still overwhelms me sometimes.  Sometimes I honestly can't believe how awful I was, and it makes me feel terrible.  So getting better wasn't pointless by any means, but there are moments when it seems like it was too little, too late, at least in this one respect.  Because, aside from my own health, the biggest and most significant thing the bipolar crap cost me was that relationship.

I feel like I've fixed almost everything else.  My relationship with my family is fine (aside from normal family stuff, of course), my relationship with Jerbs is good, and I've reconnected with people from college who I cut out of my life when I was sick.  My financial situation is improving and I am slowly but surely learning how to manage my money correctly.  I'm taking baby steps towards physical health (and I'm fine with that . . . better small steps than no steps, right?).

I would just love to be forgiven.  I would love for him to see that I really am better and that the issues I used to have were genuinely not me; I would love for him to know how absolutely horrible I feel for every terrible thing I did and said.  I would love--really, really love-- for him to know this me.  I would love a second chance and a clean slate.  And I'm better enough now that I could have a second chance and make it work.

But, I can't change the past.  I wish I could.  So for now, I am just going to hope that this person eventually finds his way to forgiveness and that he still has feelings for me.

These are the thoughts that I'm putting out into the universe tonight.  And hopefully whatever powers are out there--God or stars or vortices or whatever--see fit to return them to me in a good way.

Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts

I've been feeling blah lately.  I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed.  I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon.  I just hate it.  I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube.  Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.

Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now.  It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia.  Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad.  I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work.  Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out.  I think it's because of the bed situation.  I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks.  It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much.  I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know?  Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor.  Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon.  Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move.  (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).

I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately.  When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that.  And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.

So basically I took this past week off.  I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything.  Just some job apps and I started working on a short story.  That's about it.  I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.

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I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable.  Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it.  Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable.  So I missed two seasons of DWTS.  Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's.  So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online. 

I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar.  Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011.  And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey.  And I just . . . I remembered that night.  With him.

If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried.  Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life.  And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah.  But I really didn't feel that.  (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).

Random Memories

Once when we were shopping at Cost Plus World Market, we were looking at a day bed thing, and I said I wanted to have one of those in my home office someday.  I said it was where I could sleep when we fought, and Ex-Fiance laughed and said we'd never have fights like that.

I almost always went to bed later than Ex-Fiance.  Some nights when I'd climb into bed, he'd half wake up and tell me he loved me or that I was beautiful.  Other nights, if he'd been dreaming, he'd say funny stuff--once he told me he was trying to get the class' attention; once he told me to go move my clip up (a disciplinary thing from his class room).

Once when we were first dating we took a trip to Hobby Lobby with Jerbs.  Jerbs bought me something while we were there, and on the drive home I said, "I love my pillow, thank you Jerbs!"  And Ex-Fiance said, "I love my Jessica, thank you God."  I'll never forget that.

I used to love looking back at the percussion section during orchestra and seeing him there.  I loved that, a good chunk of the time, I'd look back to find him looking at me too.

The first time I went to Chinle with him it was over Halloween weekend; Halloween fell on that Sunday.  We ended up staying late enough to hand out candy with his family, and once that was over, we went to a family friend's house.  She had a fire going and a bunch of people from the hospital over and Ex-Fiance pulled me away from the crowd at one point and slow danced with me.  It was amazing.  Later that night when we got back to Flagstaff, Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him, and even though he'd asked before "for fun," that night I felt like he meant it completely for the first time.

A few months after we started dating it snowed for the first time that winter.  Ex-Fiance suggested we start a tradition: the first snow ornament.  The deal was that every year on the day of the first snow (or as close to it as possible) we'd buy a new ornament for our tree together.  We bought a Polar Express ornament in 2010, and a romantic Christmas tree one in 2011.  I loved that tradition.

Ex-Fiance'd never had a real Christmas tree before we met; I grew up with real trees and only had fake ones in my dorms/apartments.  So last Christmas, since it was our first Christmas living together, we got a real tree.  We named him Percival and decorating him together was so much fun.  We decorated our whole house too, because we both love Christmas.  We spent our first Christmas together in Chinle with his family, and waking up next to him on Christmas morning was so wonderful.

One day in September of 2010 Ex-Fiance took me to the Deer Farm.  After that we spontaneously drove to Kingman and he got to meet my family for the first time.  When we got back to Flagstaff I decided to spend the night at his place for the first time.  Of course we stayed up late talking (like always) and on this night I confessed to Ex-Fiance that I have a phobia type issue with sunrises.  (Long story, related to my anxiety disorder).  And after I told him that he kind of paused.  And then he told me that it didn't scare him and it didn't weird him out at all; then he said that all he wanted was to be the one who was with me when I could watch a sunrise and be OK.  I think that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to be with him forever.  I mean, I'd had an idea since our first date, but that moment cemented it.

Anyway.  I don't know why I'm putting this all down here.  It's just where my head's been the past few days.    These are the things I want back, because no, things weren't perfect between us but . . . damn, we had some beautiful moments.