I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
11.09.2014
9.13.2014
A Year Without A Psychiatrist
I said in my last post that I've been without a psychiatrist for nearly a year now, so I thought I'd follow that up by talking about what I've done this past year to keep myself on track treatment wise.
The first few months were pretty easy. Between the last of my refills from Dr. Wright, and the refill Dr. F gave me, I was fully medicated until the end of November. In December I broke into my "emergency" Lithium stash, which was basically about a month and a half worth of old prescriptions that I'd never taken. (I had this partly from those times when I just wouldn't take my medicine, and partly leftover from when the couple times I switched medications before the current Rx ran out, if that makes sense). I lowered my dose a little bit and my emergency supply lasted until the end of February.
At that point I had been unsuccessfully trying to work things out with my old doctor/been looking for a new doctor, and it was taking longer than expected. I knew I couldn't just cold turkey stop my medication, so I started looking for an alternative. I remembered an old Hastings co-worker telling me she was (self diagnosed) bipolar, and that she took a natural, OTC Lithium supplement. I didn't think such a thing existed, but after I did some poking around on the internet, I found it. It's called Lithium orotate and you can get it on Amazon. It's obviously not the same formulation as Rx Lithium (which is Lithium carbonate); it's a lower dosage made mostly of elemental Lithium, and there's some evidence that the bioavailability is different as well. It hasn't been studied very extensively in humans, but I was desperate, and it was something, so I bought it. I started myself out on a dosage that was higher than what the bottle recommended but lower than my therapeutic dose of Rx Lithium.
And it actually helped. I will say that it's not as effective as "real" Lithium, but it has most definitely kept the edge off of my worst symptoms for the past 6 months. I haven't had any manic or hypomanic episodes; I've had a few down swings but not any true depressive episodes either. It was the most helpful the first couple months I was taking it (March thru July). I mean, in June I was able to get a second job, so obviously I was doing OK. It's only been the past few weeks that I've started to feel like the effectiveness was dropping off a bit, which is why I started focusing on finding a psychiatrist again.
Like I said, it hasn't been perfect. Since the end of August, some things have fallen by the wayside: I haven't written in a while, I haven't been working out or eating right, and my house is in desperate need of a deep clean. Right now, though, those are all things I don't have the mental energy to do. But I have been able to get up and go to work every day and hold down my job and even do really well at it, and that's amazing. I also haven't had any suicidal ideation or thought about cutting. So while the past 6 months of alternative treatment haven't been my best, they've far and away not been my worst, either. I can tell you that if I'd just gone unmedicated, I'd be unemployed and possibly dead right now, and I'm neither. All in all, I call it at least a semi success. I'm also really proud of myself for being able to find an alternative and at least do something to keep myself well, because old me would have just let it go and suffered the consequences.
Right now, things are on a bit of a downslope. I haven't had any energy the past couple weeks, I can feel my temper getting shorter, and in general, I just haven't felt well. I'm just trying to make it through as best as I can, and in less than two weeks I'll see my new doctor and everything will get better from there. I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to my appointment, because I'm ready to get back to where I was.
7.01.2014
2 Years of Evolution
So I was actually going to write this
post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up
anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the
back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.
But the more I've thought about it, the
more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a
more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because,
even though it was on May 25th that Ex-Fiance told me he
didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly
end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting
better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two
years ago today.
Honestly, it's hard to even know where
to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since
that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words.
I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing
it all up is a challenge.
The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to
Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable
would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and
numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating,
heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost
nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part
of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept
thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the
place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking
about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had
been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and
away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really
didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed
a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough
to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to
afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious
cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on
the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was
with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest
of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day
before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave.
I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like
I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going.
He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my
porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.
On that day my life just didn't make
sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked
from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated
than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak.
Very, very bleak.
Today, two years later, I am happier
than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up,
went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs.
That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the
normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was
sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but
now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good
feeling.
I've come so far in two years. I got
an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18
months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my
job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been
great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been
able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel
like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at
MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I
would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are
things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would
want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was
asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the
confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to
be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having
two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.
It's also been a great experience to
work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like
me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at
like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . .
. I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about
it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met
me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm
definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have
been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have
people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel
normal.
I've stopped overreacting to things. I
feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and
insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or
the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little
things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now,
those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that
happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work
last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried
and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay
for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so
she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that
I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus
after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a
huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked.
But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one
WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning),
and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the
time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went
to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my
day.
I've stopped focusing on other people's
lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook
statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me
get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would
get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in
any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't
succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes
just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I
wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too
wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear
about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just
happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point,
that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want
to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I
like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm
excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm
going to accomplish great things.
I've stopped feeling like I need to
define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my
personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was
and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this
over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to
thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I
decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy
as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine
turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I
was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head
made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know
how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It
seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time.
And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all
just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . .
. and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying
about what they mean.
In general, my mind just feels more
mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of
control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it
was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or
movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It
sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or
depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided
anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed
those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory
nonetheless.
One thing that I haven't talked much
about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this
journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I
don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that
area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a
Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church,
but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to
experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a
higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that
I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life.
Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.
Right now, I really do love my life.
It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I
live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every
single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from
where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything
that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and
for my own determination.
It hasn't been an easy journey, but it
has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been,
I don't think I'd change a thing.
2.12.2014
What's Up With Ica?
I feel like a blog slacker lately. And that's dumb because there's actually a lot I want to write about so . . . here's a pretty random mish mash of what's going on in my life.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
9.19.2013
The Temp Doctor
I have come to the conclusion that there are two things in this world that I just seem to attract like a magnet: people driving the speed limit in the left hand lane of the highway, and crazy doctors.
Yesterday was my first (and only) appointment with my temporary psychiatrist. He practices out of the same office as my old doctor, and he was basically a "bridge" doctor. Dr. Wright didn't refill any of my medications in August, and I'm eventually going to start seeing Dr. Boyle, who's joining the practice in October. But that left a gap so I saw Dr. F. We'll call him that both because his last name starts with an F and because it's the letter grade I'd give him based on my visit.
It was just an odd, odd experience. He talked a lot and most of what he said I disagreed with or felt like it had absolutely zero relevance to me. For example, when I talked about having been in a relationship with Jerbs, Dr. F went off on a ridiculously long tangent about how women can never be emotionally fulfilled by men because men are literally incapable of listening and connecting emotionally women; according to Dr. F women only marry men in order to have children but that in doing so, they sacrifice ever being emotionally fulfilled. He said that biologically speaking women have to have close female friends and that his marriage has been successful because his wife is "permitted" to have her girlfriends. He said the stone ages were easier when men went off together and hunted and women banded together to raise the kids.
I pointed out that I have no desire for kids and he reassured me that was just because of my past. Mmmk.
He also said that my and Jerbs' breakup was completely my fault and that I need a man who's older than me, not younger like Corey is. He also kind of insinuated a couple times that Corey used my "past" against me, and I found myself coming to Corey's defense because that is just the farthest thing from the truth. And defending my ex wasn't something I expected to be doing during this whole thing.
It was very frustrating. I left feeling . . . offended. Almost violated in a way. My next appointment will be with Dr. Boyle, but it hasn't been scheduled yet. It just felt like a waste of time to see Dr. F at all because I'm pretty sure I still had a Li refill from Dr. Wright. Waste of time and money.
I know that some of the way I felt about it was me, too. I had to tell him my whole story, from the beginning. All the hard, painful, yucky details. And even though I don't mind telling people I'm bipolar and talking about recovery in general terms, I don't really like talking about. I want to take my 5 pills a day and completely forget that I'm bipolar past that. So of course rehashing it was sucky. (And I'll get to do it again in a month or so with the new doctor! Yay!)
I'm just glad it's over and done with. And glad that I don't have to go back to Dr. F.
Yesterday was my first (and only) appointment with my temporary psychiatrist. He practices out of the same office as my old doctor, and he was basically a "bridge" doctor. Dr. Wright didn't refill any of my medications in August, and I'm eventually going to start seeing Dr. Boyle, who's joining the practice in October. But that left a gap so I saw Dr. F. We'll call him that both because his last name starts with an F and because it's the letter grade I'd give him based on my visit.
It was just an odd, odd experience. He talked a lot and most of what he said I disagreed with or felt like it had absolutely zero relevance to me. For example, when I talked about having been in a relationship with Jerbs, Dr. F went off on a ridiculously long tangent about how women can never be emotionally fulfilled by men because men are literally incapable of listening and connecting emotionally women; according to Dr. F women only marry men in order to have children but that in doing so, they sacrifice ever being emotionally fulfilled. He said that biologically speaking women have to have close female friends and that his marriage has been successful because his wife is "permitted" to have her girlfriends. He said the stone ages were easier when men went off together and hunted and women banded together to raise the kids.
I pointed out that I have no desire for kids and he reassured me that was just because of my past. Mmmk.
He also said that my and Jerbs' breakup was completely my fault and that I need a man who's older than me, not younger like Corey is. He also kind of insinuated a couple times that Corey used my "past" against me, and I found myself coming to Corey's defense because that is just the farthest thing from the truth. And defending my ex wasn't something I expected to be doing during this whole thing.
It was very frustrating. I left feeling . . . offended. Almost violated in a way. My next appointment will be with Dr. Boyle, but it hasn't been scheduled yet. It just felt like a waste of time to see Dr. F at all because I'm pretty sure I still had a Li refill from Dr. Wright. Waste of time and money.
I know that some of the way I felt about it was me, too. I had to tell him my whole story, from the beginning. All the hard, painful, yucky details. And even though I don't mind telling people I'm bipolar and talking about recovery in general terms, I don't really like talking about. I want to take my 5 pills a day and completely forget that I'm bipolar past that. So of course rehashing it was sucky. (And I'll get to do it again in a month or so with the new doctor! Yay!)
I'm just glad it's over and done with. And glad that I don't have to go back to Dr. F.
9.10.2013
3 Years Ago And Some Thoughts On Regret
Three years ago I was falling in love. Being swept off my feet by a guy I never would have expected to end up with. It was all so beautifully unexpected because neither one of us was looking for anything resembling a relationship when we met but things just clicked too much for either of us to stop. I'll never forget the first few months of that relationship--staying up all night eating cold pizza and drinking root beer and talking about everything, flipping my TV back and forth between football and Dancing With the Stars on Monday nights, him playing our song and dancing at his apartment . . . it was wonderful. I don't think I could have imagined a better start to anything; it was exactly what I wanted, even if I didn't know I wanted it, even if before I'd never really imagined myself spending the rest of my life with anyone. I fell for him on our first date, lying in his arms in a raft under the stars in the middle of a lake.
But three years ago, I was sick, too.
The thing is, when I look back over the past year, over the time that he and I have been apart and the time I've spent getting better, I feel nearly nothing but pride. Because I know--I know--that I have accomplished something tremendous. I've talked about it time and time again, and I'm sure I'll talk about it more in the future, because it's true. I know exactly how far I've come and exactly how much better I am. I'm aware of it every single day. And I am grateful for it every single day, even on less than awesome days.
I've worked hard to get to where I am now, and I like my life. And I really want to be able to look back and say that if all I got out of that relationship was this, then that's fine. That's enough. That whatever happens after that is just icing on the cake.
But I just can't think like that. Not now, anyway.
Because sometimes when I think about what I've accomplished, it just doesn't feel as good as it should. I'll never, ever think that it was pointless, because it wasn't. I wouldn't trade being mentally healthy for anything. I needed to get better, regardless of what was going on in my life otherwise. That wasn't a maybe, that was a for sure.
But at the end of the day, no amount of being better can change the fact that I spent a pretty big chunk of time treating an amazing person who loved me and was trying to help me like absolute dirt, and that guilt and regret still overwhelms me sometimes. Sometimes I honestly can't believe how awful I was, and it makes me feel terrible. So getting better wasn't pointless by any means, but there are moments when it seems like it was too little, too late, at least in this one respect. Because, aside from my own health, the biggest and most significant thing the bipolar crap cost me was that relationship.
I feel like I've fixed almost everything else. My relationship with my family is fine (aside from normal family stuff, of course), my relationship with Jerbs is good, and I've reconnected with people from college who I cut out of my life when I was sick. My financial situation is improving and I am slowly but surely learning how to manage my money correctly. I'm taking baby steps towards physical health (and I'm fine with that . . . better small steps than no steps, right?).
I would just love to be forgiven. I would love for him to see that I really am better and that the issues I used to have were genuinely not me; I would love for him to know how absolutely horrible I feel for every terrible thing I did and said. I would love--really, really love-- for him to know this me. I would love a second chance and a clean slate. And I'm better enough now that I could have a second chance and make it work.
But, I can't change the past. I wish I could. So for now, I am just going to hope that this person eventually finds his way to forgiveness and that he still has feelings for me.
These are the thoughts that I'm putting out into the universe tonight. And hopefully whatever powers are out there--God or stars or vortices or whatever--see fit to return them to me in a good way.
But three years ago, I was sick, too.
The thing is, when I look back over the past year, over the time that he and I have been apart and the time I've spent getting better, I feel nearly nothing but pride. Because I know--I know--that I have accomplished something tremendous. I've talked about it time and time again, and I'm sure I'll talk about it more in the future, because it's true. I know exactly how far I've come and exactly how much better I am. I'm aware of it every single day. And I am grateful for it every single day, even on less than awesome days.
I've worked hard to get to where I am now, and I like my life. And I really want to be able to look back and say that if all I got out of that relationship was this, then that's fine. That's enough. That whatever happens after that is just icing on the cake.
But I just can't think like that. Not now, anyway.
Because sometimes when I think about what I've accomplished, it just doesn't feel as good as it should. I'll never, ever think that it was pointless, because it wasn't. I wouldn't trade being mentally healthy for anything. I needed to get better, regardless of what was going on in my life otherwise. That wasn't a maybe, that was a for sure.
But at the end of the day, no amount of being better can change the fact that I spent a pretty big chunk of time treating an amazing person who loved me and was trying to help me like absolute dirt, and that guilt and regret still overwhelms me sometimes. Sometimes I honestly can't believe how awful I was, and it makes me feel terrible. So getting better wasn't pointless by any means, but there are moments when it seems like it was too little, too late, at least in this one respect. Because, aside from my own health, the biggest and most significant thing the bipolar crap cost me was that relationship.
I feel like I've fixed almost everything else. My relationship with my family is fine (aside from normal family stuff, of course), my relationship with Jerbs is good, and I've reconnected with people from college who I cut out of my life when I was sick. My financial situation is improving and I am slowly but surely learning how to manage my money correctly. I'm taking baby steps towards physical health (and I'm fine with that . . . better small steps than no steps, right?).
I would just love to be forgiven. I would love for him to see that I really am better and that the issues I used to have were genuinely not me; I would love for him to know how absolutely horrible I feel for every terrible thing I did and said. I would love--really, really love-- for him to know this me. I would love a second chance and a clean slate. And I'm better enough now that I could have a second chance and make it work.
But, I can't change the past. I wish I could. So for now, I am just going to hope that this person eventually finds his way to forgiveness and that he still has feelings for me.
These are the thoughts that I'm putting out into the universe tonight. And hopefully whatever powers are out there--God or stars or vortices or whatever--see fit to return them to me in a good way.
3.23.2013
The Other Side
Did you know that, in the thick of the breakup last May, I threatened to stop all forms of treatment in response to getting dumped? I very clearly remember saying to Corey, "I can't do this without you. Getting better isn't worth it if you're not waiting for me on the other side."
I am ashamed to admit how absolutely I meant that at the time. At that point, I honestly, 100% believed what I was saying, believed that getting better was a waste of time without having something tangible to do it for. I didn't want to get better for a life I wasn't happy in, if that makes sense, and that was what it felt like: getting better without him was getting better just to go back to something I already disliked.
I'm glad to be able to say now that I was wrong.
Because now, I am on the other side. And I got to this place without him waiting here, without him doing a thing to help me get here, and it's just as beautiful for it.
Do you know who was waiting for me? I was. Me. Myself. The real me. The person I'm supposed to be. The healthy version of myself. (And yes, I know how cheesy that is).
This journey has been worth it. As much as I regret how badly I screwed things up with Corey (I'm going to post about that soon) and as much as I do wish he'd been here to share it with me (because having to do it alone and wanting to do it alone are different things), I have to say that looking back, I really don't know that I could have attained this level of mental health with him in my life. Which is not to say he was keeping me sick, but more that I really did need to be able to completely focus on myself.
I think deep down I always knew I'd have to do it on my own. I think I knew that even before Corey came around. Self reliance has been the most significant thing I've gained from this, and I am grateful for that.
And I have to say that now that I'm here, on the other side, I have no intention of ever going back.
I am ashamed to admit how absolutely I meant that at the time. At that point, I honestly, 100% believed what I was saying, believed that getting better was a waste of time without having something tangible to do it for. I didn't want to get better for a life I wasn't happy in, if that makes sense, and that was what it felt like: getting better without him was getting better just to go back to something I already disliked.
I'm glad to be able to say now that I was wrong.
Because now, I am on the other side. And I got to this place without him waiting here, without him doing a thing to help me get here, and it's just as beautiful for it.
Do you know who was waiting for me? I was. Me. Myself. The real me. The person I'm supposed to be. The healthy version of myself. (And yes, I know how cheesy that is).
This journey has been worth it. As much as I regret how badly I screwed things up with Corey (I'm going to post about that soon) and as much as I do wish he'd been here to share it with me (because having to do it alone and wanting to do it alone are different things), I have to say that looking back, I really don't know that I could have attained this level of mental health with him in my life. Which is not to say he was keeping me sick, but more that I really did need to be able to completely focus on myself.
I think deep down I always knew I'd have to do it on my own. I think I knew that even before Corey came around. Self reliance has been the most significant thing I've gained from this, and I am grateful for that.
And I have to say that now that I'm here, on the other side, I have no intention of ever going back.
1.05.2013
Unmedicated & Miserable
Due to a set of circumstances (some out of my control, some not) I am currently unmedicated.
Basically, I was supposed to get lab work done back in October/November. Before I could, I accidentally threw out my lab orders (I am a genius). I called my doctor a few times, and since his receptionist NEVER answers the phone, I left messages, asking him to please fax the lab orders to Staples. I left the fax # a few times and the orders never came. And then I got distracted by the holidays and all that so . . . yeah. I called the office yesterday morning and left another message along the same lines, and Jerbs overheard me and promptly informed me that I'd been reversing two of the numbers in the fax number . . . which explained why I'd never gotten a fax from my doctor in November. So I called back with the right number (also via message) and hopefully when Jerbs goes back to work tomorrow the fax will be waiting for her so I can get my labs done. Because no labs=no refills on my Lithium, which is why I'm currently out. I requested a refill online hoping that I could maybe get some before I get the labs done, but that's unlikely. Worse case scenario I'll have to wait until my next Dr.'s appt. on the 16th to get meds.
Anyway, I am freaking miserable. I just feel like crap. It's started to get really bad over the past couple of days. I can feel my mind getting manic, I can feel myself panicking over little things, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I have headaches, the tension in my forehead has come back with a vengeance, the little OCD things I have are getting worse, I'm getting progressively more irritable . . . it sucks. Suuuuucks. I'm struggling just to get through the days right now and I really, really hate it. Jerbs has commented that she's noticed a significant change in me.
I can't believe I used to live like this. I can't believe this used to be my normal. Every time I lapse in treatment I realize how much the treatment is helping me. I'm very, very angry at myself that this lapse has happened, but . . . I honestly tried, and I know that there's nothing about it that was deliberate. It's just frustrating.
Hopefully this will be the last lapse. That's my goal, anyhow. Once I get my Li refill this month, I am NOT going to let my treatment drop again.
---------------
EDIT 01/06: Amazing how things work when you give people the correct information! My lab order was waiting for Jerbs at Staples today. I'm going to make like 7 copies of it so that I always have a backup! So that's one hurdle cleared . . . now I have to figure out the financial part . . . yikes.
Basically, I was supposed to get lab work done back in October/November. Before I could, I accidentally threw out my lab orders (I am a genius). I called my doctor a few times, and since his receptionist NEVER answers the phone, I left messages, asking him to please fax the lab orders to Staples. I left the fax # a few times and the orders never came. And then I got distracted by the holidays and all that so . . . yeah. I called the office yesterday morning and left another message along the same lines, and Jerbs overheard me and promptly informed me that I'd been reversing two of the numbers in the fax number . . . which explained why I'd never gotten a fax from my doctor in November. So I called back with the right number (also via message) and hopefully when Jerbs goes back to work tomorrow the fax will be waiting for her so I can get my labs done. Because no labs=no refills on my Lithium, which is why I'm currently out. I requested a refill online hoping that I could maybe get some before I get the labs done, but that's unlikely. Worse case scenario I'll have to wait until my next Dr.'s appt. on the 16th to get meds.
Anyway, I am freaking miserable. I just feel like crap. It's started to get really bad over the past couple of days. I can feel my mind getting manic, I can feel myself panicking over little things, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I have headaches, the tension in my forehead has come back with a vengeance, the little OCD things I have are getting worse, I'm getting progressively more irritable . . . it sucks. Suuuuucks. I'm struggling just to get through the days right now and I really, really hate it. Jerbs has commented that she's noticed a significant change in me.
I can't believe I used to live like this. I can't believe this used to be my normal. Every time I lapse in treatment I realize how much the treatment is helping me. I'm very, very angry at myself that this lapse has happened, but . . . I honestly tried, and I know that there's nothing about it that was deliberate. It's just frustrating.
Hopefully this will be the last lapse. That's my goal, anyhow. Once I get my Li refill this month, I am NOT going to let my treatment drop again.
---------------
EDIT 01/06: Amazing how things work when you give people the correct information! My lab order was waiting for Jerbs at Staples today. I'm going to make like 7 copies of it so that I always have a backup! So that's one hurdle cleared . . . now I have to figure out the financial part . . . yikes.
12.31.2012
2012 in Review
Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it. Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad. But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
11.27.2012
Confessions & Some Self Shaming
For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance. Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)