Move In Day Nostalgia

Today was move in day at NAU.

It was an overcast day with a few thunderstorms (AKA perfect), and I found myself thinking about how much college me would have loved a move in day like this.  Coming back up the mountain to rain after a hot summer in Kingman would have made me so very happy.

Back then move in day was my absolute favorite, because I was always so glad to come back up to Flagstaff and be back in school and see all my friends.  And I knew that a beautiful fall was right around the corner, so it was always just a happy time for me.  (Now I hate move in day, because I much prefer living in Flagstaff when it's not crawling with douche bag college kids, but I digress).

Earlier this week, I went on a Dunkin' Donuts run in the afternoon, and there were some flag line girls practicing in the parking lot next to DD (DD is right by campus, so they were in the parking lot of what I think is Disability Services . . . that's what it was when I was in school, anyhow).  It definitely made me nostalgic for marching band and football games.

Add all of this to the fact that I've been reading through my old LiveJournal, which encompasses my whole college experience, and it's just been a nostalgic kind of week.

As much fun as it is to look back on my college days here in Flagstaff, it also helps me to really understand why I want to leave Flagstaff, but that's for another time and another entry.

Trail Day!

So a week ago today, on the 11th, I got off work a little early and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.  It was almost 5:30 and I knew I had to pick Jerbs up from work at 7, so I didn't really want to drive all the way home and do nothing.  I also didn't feel like putting in time at job # 2 (I'd already been there during my lunch break).  I thought about hitting up the craft stores or something like that, but it didn't sound appealing either.  So I decided to go home, grab my dogs, and take them on a nice long walk.  And instead of just a boring walk around home, I decided I wanted to go out on one of the FUTS (Flagstaff Urban Trails System) trails.  I've been wanting to hike/explore Flag more, so I figured why the hell not?

I drove home, changed, got the dogs and some water, and we drove to Fox Glenn Park, which is where Fox Glenn Trail starts.  I left my phone and pedometer in the car, so I didn't take any pictures and I don't know how far we walked, but it was a lot of fun!  The trail was pretty flat and easy, and the scenery was beautiful.  The dogs really enjoyed themselves, especially Hollie, because there were lots of prairie dog/gopher holes along the trail for her to stick her face in.  (I swear, she's going to end up with the plague one of these days).  We actually only walked half the trail before we had to head back.  It was a good work out and it wore out the dogs, both things that make me happy.

So I decided to make it a weekly thing.  I went to city hall and got an official FUTS maps so I know where all the trails are and everything, and I bought a backpack so I could bring water and the dog's collapsible bowl and all that stuff with us.  

Today the dogs and I did part of Switzer Canyon Trail (which was not the trail I intended to do, I just suck at reading maps).  It was so pretty and again, the dogs got all worn out and I feel like I got a decent work out.  This time I remembered my pedometer AND my phone (camera), so I got some pictures and I know I walked 2.09 miles.

The trail.

The scenery along the way.

Besties.

Adventurous puppies.

 

Three Years

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up.  I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember.  Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.

Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been.  The change never ceases to amaze me.  I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months.  Survive the next 6 months and go from there."  (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together).  Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal.  It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you.  There really are no words.

The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life.  I've changed more than I ever thought possible.  I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you.  I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory.  I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function.  To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw).  I never expected to thrive.

But I am thriving.  I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in.  I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me.  And I've got a whole other job on top of that one!  I'm financially stable and independent.  I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next.  I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be.  (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).

I'm not perfect.  There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with.  I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas.  And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits.  Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends.  It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states.  And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult.  Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups.  (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).

One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened.  A lot of it is small things.  Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff.  And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health.  Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him.  So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it.  Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling.  It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do.  I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.

It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later.  It's not a consistent feeling.  Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him.  Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.

I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it.  To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go.  I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore.  I am angry that he never came back.  More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then.  I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.

I wonder, all the time, about that.  I have for three years now.  I wonder what it would be like to be around another now.  If we'd still get along.  If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back.  I wonder about him, too, sometimes.  About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective.  Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.

I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go.  That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon.  I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up.  I wish so much that I had done things differently back then.  I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away.  I'm OK with that.  Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.

I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him.  I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned.  If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen.  As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am.  I'm not sorry for it.

But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life.  I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life.  I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.

So that's that, I suppose.  Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me.  I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not.  And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing.  I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that.  I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!

Oh This Flagstaff Weather

We got snow yesterday and overnight.  I legit had to scrape snow off of my car this morning.  (My car is the one on the far left of the picture, slightly out of frame).  And those are the trees right in front of my balcony.

As Theresa pointed out on Facebook, it is NAU graduation weekend, so of course it snowed.  It's like a tradition for it to snow at summer commencement.  

Let's Talk About April

April was pretty quiet (as most months tend to be lately).

Jerbs had a couple weekends off, so we got to hang out.  It was nice but a little weird, I love Jerbs and all but I guess I like my weekend alone time a little more than I realized.

The weather was pretty nice, minus a few random cold snaps.  We actually took the dogs to the pond one day, only to find a huge sign informing the public that the pond is now considered private property and only to be used by members of the country club, complete with a little "be prepared to show your membership card if asked" warning.  It was disappointing and absolutely infuriating.  I don't want to write too much about it because I've actually finally gotten over it.  But I will say that A) It's total BS because I'm pretty sure it was tax money, NOT private money, that built that pond, and B) the way this city caters and only cares about the wealthy and the college kids makes me sick, and is one of the many reasons Jerbs and I want to leave.

Also in April, Jerbs found out that the company she started working for in March (a locally owned urgent care) is not going to be locally owned for much longer, because the (apparently much greedier than originally thought) owners decided to sell the business to a national urgent care chain company.  They're still kind of in transition, and will be until mid-summerish.  No one over there is happy about it, and Jerbs is, of course, disappointed.  She worked for so long to get out of Staples and finally did and finally had a job she liked, and it's more or less been yanked out from under her.  So far, the new company says they won't make any major changes, but I don't really trust that.  They've also essentially made everyone go through the hiring process again.  Jerbs had to cut a trip to Phoenix short to go in and meet with the new HR people, and the deal was pretty much get your ass here or you're fired.  That was really, really frustrating (and probably illegal, since it was a scheduled day off, and the HR meeting was NOT scheduled).  At this point, I think her plan is to see through the transition, see what working for the new company is like, and then go from there as far as whether or not she stays.  I'm hoping it works out for the best because I just want her to be happy; I'm still super angry on her behalf though.  I'm also angry at yet ANOTHER locally owned place selling out to a chain.  Again, this seems to be part of the trend to just make Flagstaff another Phoenix, and I'm very not OK with that.

But enough of that.

One happy thing from this month has been that they finally hired someone to take on DME full time at MHC, which is a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders.  The new girl (who's actually a re-hire and not totally new to the company) started on the 20th.  I seriously counted down the days between when I found out and when she started.  I was just THAT excited.  So for the past week, I've been doing a lot of training at work, which I both like and dislike.  I won't lie, it's been kind of a painful process, and there have definitely been some moments where I've found myself thinking that it's not going to work out.  I just keep telling myself not to be too irritated, that she's only been learning it for a few days whereas I did it for a year so . . . of course it all looks super easy to me.  Hopefully it works out.  I just don't want to have to take DME back in 6 months.

I also found out this month that my dad's going to be moving (fairly soon?  not totally sure).  I guess his landlady (who's a long time family friend and also kind of his girlfriend, I don't really know what goes on there) is selling her house/property, which includes the little house my dad rents from her.  I won't lie, hearing that kind of freaked me out.  Some if is just worrying about my dad (although he did, very reassuringly, say to me, "Don fucking worry, Jessica, I have a plan.").  Some of it is just being sad at losing a place from my childhood.  This house is probably where I spent the most time as a kid, aside from the house I grew up in and my grandparents' house, and I think it's really the last significant place left, at least in my old neighborhood.  I kind of feel like my childhood is slowly being chipped away, and I hate that.  I want those memories and that time in my life to be a foundation for who I am as an adult, and losing that kind of sucks.  

So that was April.  Tomorrow I'm leaving for a weekend in Las Vegas with Theresa, her fiance, and her fiance's family.  We're going shopping for bridesmaid's dresses plus just, y'know, hanging out in Vegas.  I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!

Our Neighbor Sucks

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my and Jerbs' next door neighbor here before.  Basically, she's a horrible, horrible person, who is miserable and hates everyone and everything and wants everyone around her to be miserable as well.  I've never heard anyone complain as much as she does, and I've never even had a conversation with this woman; it's all just been overheard either when I leave and she's home, or when she's coming home and yelling at someone on the phone as she stomps up the stairs.  (And when I say stomps, I mean it . . . our walls literally shake every time this bitch comes home, it sucks).  We call her Stompy.  Also, she always has her window open, and she makes all of her phone calls on speaker phone, so if our window is open, and we're quiet, we can hear everything.

So anyway, we hate her, and for the past year, we've lived in a state of perpetually wishing she'd just move out.  And last night, it got a lot worse.

This whole past week seems to have been bad for Stompy.  On Monday, people moved into the apartment under her.  On Tuesday, when Jerbs was home, she had to call emergency maintenance for something.  Jerbs said they were there for awhile, and that she could hear Stompy bitching at them through the walls the whole time.  That same day, the new neighbors apparently went out, and their dog (or dogs?) was making noise.  Jerbs was here, and could hear the dog scratching and whining, but she said it wasn't that bad.  But sure enough, at some point in the afternoon, she heard Stompy call the cops on the owners.  The cops ended up not coming, because they know that woman's fucking nuts and overreacts to everything.  On Wednesday, she had maintenance in her apartment again.  Then yesterday, while I was at work, Jerbs overheard a conversation that was basically Stompy screaming at her disability case worker (apparently she's on disability, and it was disability that placed her here).  Anyway, she was screaming at her case worker about how this place is horrible and there's tons of noise pollution (which is BS, this is actually a really quiet complex when you're not, y'know, totally fucking insane), and how she can't ever sleep (because she has a weird sleep schedule in which she sleeps during the day, which makes no sense because she doesn't work), and how it's just as bad as the last few places they put her (which really makes it seem like she's the problem), and how she wants to be moved to somewhere else ASAP.  Which of course would be awesome.  Jerbs texted me all this.

Then last night . . . good Lord.  It was around 10:30 and we heard someone come up the stairs and knock on her door.  It was emergency maintenance.  Which made us laugh.  But we really didn't think anything of it.  Then, around 11, I went to get ready for bed.  So I'm in the bedroom, sitting on my bed, putting on chapstick, when I hear someone screaming, "Call 911!!  Call 911!!  Call 911!!"  And I hear Jerbs saying, in response, "OK, I'll call them, just calm down . . ."  So of course I freaked out.  I honestly thought something was on fire, so I ran out to the living room, where I found Jerbs, on her cell phone, clearly trying not to laugh.

Apparently, the maintenance guy hit a water main in Stompy's apartment, which caused her apartment to flood.  And in the mind of Stompy, the appropriate response to this was to run onto our porch, screaming for us to call 911.  (Bear in mind, too, that maintenance was IN HER APARTMENT when this happened, so really, the correct type of help was already there).  But Jerbs did call 911, and they sent out some firefighters, who left very, very pissed off after about 10 minutes of establishing that there was nothing they could do and that our neighbor is a moron.

I was so freaking mad.  Seriously, you do NOT scream for someone to call 911 because your apartment is flooding.  It was ridiculous.  It's aggravating that after all the time she's bitched about us, she ran to us expecting help, first of all.  Not to mention that calling 911 for that was a complete and utter waste of emergency services.  Needless to say, my adrenaline was pumping after that (I work in a cardiology clinic . . . when someone screams for you to call 911 like that, it means someone is freaking dying), and I absolutely couldn't sleep.  I think I finally dozed off around 2 in the morning, which was super awesome when my alarm went off at 6.  I ended up skipping my shower and sleeping an extra hour, which didn't really help much.

On top of all that, I had to stay the full day at MHC today, and cover the front desk from 1--5.  I didn't leave work until almost 6, and after that I was at SHF until 8.  Which basically means I worked a 12 hour day on 5 hours of sleep.  I am EXHAUSTED.

Thank goodness I'm on vacation all next week!!!

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

Galinas Tank Trail Hike

I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but starting today I have a four day weekend from work.  The clinic is closed for Memorial Day on Monday, so I took today off to give myself a little mini vacation (I requested this off back in, like, February).  Initially my plan was to go down to Kingman to visit my family, but my sister is currently in Mexico and Austin is at his dad's house, so I decided to just chill out in Flagstaff.

By a random stroke of luck Jerbs also had today off (she did end up having to go in to work for a few hours but she was home by noon so it wasn't a big deal . . . plus her boss felt bad about her getting called in so now she's off tomorrow too!) so we decided to load up the dogs and go on a hike!

We set out to hike Bismark Lake Trail and find Bismark Lake.  We had directions but after awhile it became clear that they weren't completely accurate (we'd gone a lot further than the directions were said we were supposed to and still hadn't seen the turn off we were looking for), so we ended up just finding a random trail along Hart Prairie Road and hiking that.  It ended up being a really lovely hike.  The trail was easy and we had a beautiful view of the peaks in the distance and we were hiking through aspen trees.  About a mile in we found this abandoned/dilapidated old house off of the trail, which was really cool!  The trail skirted around this tall hill, and we decided to be intrepid and climb it; it was definitely a work out but worth it for the view!

The dogs, of course, had a fantastic time being off their leashes and running ahead of us on the trail.  Max surprised us by  being totally into it--he's not a very adventurous dogs and doesn't usually seem to care for long walks except to pee on things, but he was just all over the place today.  I was so proud of him!  He actually made it to the top of the hill first.  I'm glad to know I'll be able to take both of them out with me on more hikes this summer.

The view of the peaks from Hart Prairie Road on the drive out.

Aspen trees.

Aspen and flowers just off the trail we were on.

The front of the old house we found.

Stone steps ups to the front door.

The foundation of the old house.

The view through the front door from inside the house.
Because of course I went inside.

The house from the side.

The back of the house.

A view of the peaks from the hill we climbed, plus Hollie
looking very majestic.  Max is in there too, he's just blending in.

Max and Hollie were so worn out!  This was
roughly 10 minutes after we got back in the car.

After the hike we had lunch at Beaver Street Brewery and wandered around downtown for a little while.  All in all it was just a lovely day.  It made me feel very grateful that I live in such a beautiful place.  I'm looking forward to more summer adventures.

Allergies

Disclaimer: I took Benadryl a few hours ago (and by few I mean almost 7) and am still a little drugged up.  So keep that in mind if you're reading this.

So this morning, I woke up for work and my face felt all swollen and puffy.  It didn't look that bad except around my eyes so I figured it was nothing and went to work.  It got progressively worse as the day went on, and it was freaking awful.  Then in the afternoon I started getting itchy.  I had already assumed I was having some kind of allergic reaction based on the puffiness, and the itchiness basically confirmed that.

I tried to suck it up and stay at work but I was miserable.  I ended up leaving a little after 3:30 (and only lost an hour of work since I hadn't taken a lunch).  I came home and took a Benadryl and just woke up a little while ago.  I feel better; my face still feels kinda puffy but I'm not itching, so that's good.

Seriously WTF?  I know it's allergy season and with the wind we've had lately it seems like everyone's reacting to something that's blowing around, but I have so rarely dealt with allergies that this just irritates me.  I know it was the summer of 2009 that I ever even remotely thought I had allergies, because it was right after Jerbs and I moved to the east side of town.  I didn't have anything like that once I moved back to Kingman in 2011, but it seems like the summer allergies have gotten progressively worse since I came back to Flagstaff almost 2 years ago.

Conclusion: I am apparently allergic to something that blooms in Flagstaff but not (or just less) in Kingman.  Lovely.  And as I have yet to find an allergy medicine that doesn't completely knock me out for hours on end, I'm going to have to just deal with it during work hours.  Fabulous.

And now that I've recorded this lovely bit of drugged up rambling, I'm going back to bed.

Wait What?

Y'know how I said I was looking forward to summer?  Yeah, it snowed today.  All day long.  It didn't really stick so there wasn't much accumulation but still.  So I spent the day pretty much doing nothing.  The snow made me want to hibernate.  But hey, that's what Saturdays are for, right?

Yesterday, though, Jerbs and I went shopping and had sushi for dinner at Karma, and that was nice.

Mentally and emotionally I'm still feeling a little off.

I'm also in the mood to purge and organize and redecorate the apartment.  Last weekend I shampooed the carpet in the bedroom and living room (just the spots that needed it, not the whole room) so that was good.  I'd planned to work on more stuff like that this weekend but . . . yeah, snow and stuff.

I also still have a lot of stuff in mind to write here, but I don't feel up to it.

Today

We woke up to snow!  Well, I woke up to snow, Jerbs got to sleep in, but still!  It started snowing just before I went to bed last night and it apparently lasted because there were a couple inches on the ground in the morning.  It was so pretty.  I'm glad that even if my holiday spirit is still basically gone I can still get little kid level excited about snow.  It snowed for a couple hours and then poured down rain all day after that.  It's still raining.  Just as lovely as the snow, I think.

After work I took my car to Discount Tire to get one of my tires fixed, and they were packed.  Lots of people getting snow tires put on and stuff.  So they told me it would be a 2.5 hour wait just for my little repair, which sucked, but I didn't have a choice.  I wandered over to the Bookman's plaza and went to Michaels, JoAnn, and Bookmans.  Bookmans has a cool little cafe, so I got a Mexican mocha latte (so good!) and sat by the window and just watched the rain come down.  It was lovely.  There was a very interesting guy performing there today . . . I didn't find out his name, but he's a singer/guitarist/Native American flute player.  I think my favorite song was "Don't Worry, Be Hopi," which was sung to the beat of "Don't Worry, Be Happy."  It was all about the trials, triumphs, and spirit of the Hopi tribe.  It was pretty amazing, in a Flagstaff kinda way.  

They had these little signs up around the cafe, and it made me happy:

Love it.  If I were doing NaNo this year I'd totally write there.

I finally headed back to the tire place and on the way I passed this . . . um, interesting? . . . bit of Christmas window art.  I can't remember which business had it on their window but I find it odd:

I texted it to B, and this conversation happened.

Me: I do not understand what's happening in this picture.

B: He's . . . inflating his sack?

Me: He's inflating someone's sack.

B: It's so swollen.

B: He's blushing too, little scamp.

Me: Viiiiirgin.

Yeah.  We're interesting together.

I got back to the tire place right about 2.5 hours after I dropped my car off and sat there for another 45 minutes.  It sucked.  And my tire was fixable but when they took it off they found it was totally bald on the inside.  I told them to just put the spare on if they could get to it (getting to my spare is complicated . . . my dad wasn't able to when I was in Ktown).  I thought for sure I was going to end up having to buy a new tire but the spare thing worked out and I had my car like 5 minutes after my conversation with the tech.

Then I picked up my Lithium, which is awesome.  I was dreading doing it because I thought for sure my doctor's office would have fucked up again, but thankfully that wasn't the case.  Woohoo medication.

So that was my day.  I think this was the first Friday since I started at MHC that I didn't come straight home and take a nap after work . . . maybe I'm growing up!

Probably not, though.  Probably not.

Independence Day

I remember, last year on the 4th of July, hiking up into the woods by the apartment with Jerbs to watch the fireworks.  They set them off at the mall so we could see most of the show from here; I'd been back in Flagstaff for 3 days.

I remember standing there in the forest consumed by this overwhelming feeling that my life had stopped making sense.  That when I looked at my life it was foreign to me, like I didn't know it anymore; I had been on one path, imagining one future, and that was gone.  I was confused and anxious and sad and angry and I missed Ex-Fiance and I was still very, very bipolar.  I was miserable and I had no idea what I was going to do.

But today, having a drink at Rendezvous and wandering around downtown with B and her husband (who came up for the day), driving through a massive rainstorm to the mall, eating a sushi dinner with the B's and Jerbs at Karma, and missing most of the fireworks show (minus what we saw from the highway) because they started them early due to the storm . . . I was nothing but content.  Happy.  In love with my life, exactly the way it is.

It feels so good.

Today Was A Good Day

Today:

--Told the PR/marketing director at work about my English degree and offered my help with any writing/editing type tasks she might have going on.  So now I get to write the official press release for our new nutritionist, and if that goes well, I'll potentially get to do more writing projects in the future!  I'm so freaking stoked!!!  I know it's not much, but still, I'm really excited.

--My boss asked me if everything was OK since I've been late almost every day since I got my car.  I was honest with her and told her that I just don't do well with mornings and I have a hard time getting the timing right and all that.  So now my work hours are 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM.  Hell.fucking.yes.  I love having a boss that's awesome and understanding!  And I really don't mind staying later, since I usually do anyway, because I hit my stride in the afternoon.  Seriously, I love my boss.  I don't want her to leave.

--It poured down rain on both sides of town for a good hour, and it's still cloudy out.  Which meant an amazing, cool, beautiful afternoon and early evening.  Such a great break from the ridiculous heat we've had the past week or so.

--The rain left some perfect running weather when it stopped, so I headed for the lakes by our house and ran 1.42 km (I've decided to measure in kilometers, since it's more impressive, and that's all my stupid pedometer apparently measures in).  I suppose I can't really say I ran, because I more jogged with some walking bits thrown in, but still.  The point is I WORKED OUT!!  So good for me.  And at the end of the jog when I was thinking that I really hadn't done much and feeling a little disappointed with myself, I asked myself if I'd have been able to go that distance, at that speed, at this altitude, a year ago.  And the answer is definitely not.

Speaking of a year ago, yesterday marked one year that I've been back in Flagstaff, and I'm sure there'll be a long drippy entry about that soon.  Because I need to talk about it.  I also have to do my weigh in entry but for now, I just wanted to record some happiness.

Up and Down and Back Up and Back Down

That's how this week was.

A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life.  A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage.  A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying.  Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month?  Kinda lost it this week.

I just have a lot on my mind.  A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.

The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)

The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think.  I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through

So yeah.  Not my best.  I am so excited for the weekend.

Work, Money, Snow, & Vietnamese Food

It's been more than a week since I updated!!  That's a little ridiculous considering I've posted multiple times a day for weeks at a time . . .

I just don't feel like I have too much to talk about right now.  My life is all boring and grown up and I don't want to come here just to whine about my love life and all that crap or spew my opinions about politics and other stuff like that.  Sigh.

Anyhow.  Work is still going well.  This past week my boss told me several times that I was picking things up really well.  She gave me a stack of things to work on one day (mostly claims that needed to be researched, plus some medical records stuff), and a couple days later I let her know what I'd done with each one of them.  She said I'd done everything perfectly.  This coming Monday there's a billing dept. meeting in which we'll discuss the sort of rearrangement of the dept., which basically means that I'm going to get my official responsibilities.  Right now each of the girls in the dept. (4 of them including our boss) have several insurance companies that they deal with, and on Monday, those will be redistributed, so I'll have my own insurance companies that'll be mine.  I'm excited about that.

I'm so incredibly happy with my job.  I really am.  Today at the mall a lady at the Avon kiosk who was giving me a sample asked what I did, and when I said I was a medical  biller she made a noise like she was impressed.  Pretty much made my day!  It feels so good to have an answer to that what do you do? question.  Telling people you're unemployed is not pleasant.

I got paid yesterday--my first full paycheck from MHC.  Glorious.

It's been snowing like crazy today.  There's probably about 6 inches on the ground and I think we're supposed to get even more so . . . yeah.  That's fun.  I fell twice today, once climbing up a hill and once going down one (both while attempting to get to bus stops . . . excellent).  It wasn't too bad being out today during the afternoon but once it got dark . . . wow.  So cold.  I'm not looking forward to Monday morning!

I treated Jerbs to Vietnamese food tonight, at a restaurant called Pho CRQ.  Jerbs looooooves pho (which is like a kind of Vietanmese soup, I guess you could call it).  I just got noodles with vegetables, and it was actually pretty good.  I'm not very adventurous food wise, and I'm the pickiest eater you could imagine, so I was fairly certain I wouldn't like it.  But I did!  Hello, adulthood!

The best part about today was trying on jeans at the mall and discovering that I've gone down a pants size!  I really wanted new jeans and they didn't have my size.  So just for the hell of it I tried on the size below it and they fit perfectly.  I seriously teared up in the dressing room.  I'm still a long way from my weight loss goal but that was an amazing confidence boost and just makes me want to work even harder!

So Long, 9816

Before I left the Kingman Hastings last July, I was under the impression that the Flagstaff Hastings was the more successful of the 2: higher sales, more hours, more associates, etc.  (Which is why I was delusional enough to think I'd get 30 hours a week . . . ha!)  Right before I left, though, the Kingman LS manager told me that the Flag store was floundering and that as a result of that the store was moving.

And when I got up here, that's what everyone here knew: that the store was going to move, that they needed to be out of the space by the end of March, and that the corporate office was in the process of finding a new location.  Well, corporate kind of just kept jerking us around with, "Oh, we're still looking," and blah blah blah.  By the time I left at the beginning of November they still had not found a location.  And I don't know if it's obvious to anyone else but . . . moving an entire retail store (a pretty big store too) as well as making sure all the connections to corporate are set up is kind of a big undertaking--not really something you can do overnight.  So of course the speculation that the store might actually be closing started among the staff.  At the time I left the official answer was still a move.  

Then this evening I was reading the AZ Daily Sun online, and sure enough, there it was: an article officially announcing that Hastings 9816 will be permanently closing on March 15th.  The reason listed by the paper was just that the lease was up on the building (which is obviously not what's actually going on).

We were told not to say anything about the real reason, so I'm not going to here (just in case).

At any rate, though, I can say that based on the real reason, corporate had two options: move the store or close the store.  And at the end of the day, between the abysmal sales, the pathetic staff, the dissatisfied customers, and the overall complete dysfunction of the store made them decide that it would be a waste to invest the time and money in moving and opted for closing.  (Honestly, if the store wasn't closing now, my guess is that it would have closed by the end of this year anyway).

Obviously, I'm not sad.  I'm actually pretty happy.  I feel very vindicated as far as how I ended up leaving and all that, because I feel like this basically says, see?  You can't run a store that poorly and treat your employees that badly and still stay in business.  Because it all comes back to how the store was being run, in my opinion.

Yes, the decision is a financial one, and yes, sales were way down most days I was there.  But that's to be expected--when you have Redbox and Netflix for movies and TV, iTunes and other services like that for music, and Kindle and Nook and all those for books (not to mention all the illegal download stuff) it's hard to keep customers.  Personally, I think that in an environment that's that competitive, where the customer can pretty much do everything on their own, the only reason they're gong to prefer an actual in store experience is if they really love the environment of the store and the attitudes/personalities/knowledge of the employees.  And when your employees are all assholes who don't know shit about the job, and the store feels nothing but chaotic and messy and disorganized . . . well, then there's zero incentive for the customer to choose the store over all their other options.  And that's what bit these guys in the ass.

It's kind of a vicious cycle: the store and employees aren't well liked by the customer . . . customers stop returning and sales drop . . . drop in sales leads to cutting hours all over and fewer workers in the store at any given time . . . lowered workforce only makes the initial problems worse because then work is never done properly and stocking and cleaning fall behind and when a customer does need help, they have to wait . . . if someone does help them there's a good chance they don't know what they're doing because there aren't enough hours to actually train people on the sales floor.

I think Hastings could still be successful in Flag if it bought a much, much smaller space and became strictly a movie and game rental place.  Because Hastings is(was) the ONLY rental place in town anymore aside from Redbox kiosks.  We used to have a Hollywood Video, a Blockbuster, and an indie rental place, but they've all been closed for years.  A huge chunk of this store's sales was from rental because it was the only thing there's really no competition for in town (we have a bunch of indie music stores, 2 or 3 Game Stops, 2 RadioShacks and a Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, a comic book store, and a Spencers and a Hot Topic that carry most of the same novelty items Hastings did).

(Meanwhile, the Kingman Hastings, while sales are down (sales are down across the company, really, which isn't surprising) will probably never actually go out of business, because aside from the online stuff, there's no competition for them in Kingman).

I am a little sad.  I'm sad that there won't be a rental place anymore, and I did have some good times at the store here--back in college, at least.  Jenny and I both did, and we made some good friends and got up to quite a bit of mischief around that place.  It wasn't the best place to work even in college, but I'm appalled at how far down hill it went in the time between then and when I worked there last year.  And there were a few co-workers I actually liked and thought were decent people and I hope that they're all able to find new jobs quickly.  (But honestly, they all barely did better than me in the hours department so I'm sure that whatever work they do find will be a step up for them).

I'm glad I got out when I did.  I remember thinking in November that I was such an idiot for just quitting the way I did and being so worried that I'd done the wrong thing--but now more than ever I feel like I definitely made the best choice, because not only did I find a killer new job that I'm really loving, but I also escaped the stress of having to worry about finding a new job and all that when the store closed.  I almost feel "I told you so" about it, because I came up here doing everything right per corporate standards, the way I was trained, and I was basically hated for it.  My co-workers were like lol, look at this idiot actually doing her job and not cutting all the corners.  And now . . . they're out of a job!  And in my head I'm like, I tried.

It's sad because this store had a lot of potential.  It had a great location close to campus and if it had been managed better I think it could have done SO well.  But it seems, at the same time, like it was destined to fail, because something about it just always felt off.  This store just never had the same sense of work ethic as  the Kingman store or other ones I've been to (the downside of living in a college town: lots of college student employees who don't actually give a shit about the job).  And whenever there was a manager there who actually tried to make people work and do their jobs correctly, the staff would make them so miserable with their assholeishness about it that the manager would end up leaving (I saw this happen to 2 managers and I don't blame them at all for leaving).  It's so sad.  It's so stupid.  Especially considering that in an economy where a lot of people need jobs very badly you could probably be picky and hire a really great crew.

Oh well.  All those suggestions are too late now.  I wish some of them the best and most of them not the best.  (I have no desire to be the bigger person when it comes to that place).

I'm definitely going to hit up the going out of business sale because why not?  Plus . . . ok, I haven't been in Hastings since I quit, because I hate it there and just didn't want to go in.  But I feel like now that they're all about to lose their jobs and I'm in a really good work position . . . I'll mind less going in.  Good lord, that makes me sound like a horrible, horrible person, but it's true!  After what I said when I left about the store being so unprofessional it would have been a little embarrassing to go in and potentially have to admit that I was still unemployed . . . but now I look better than them in comparison.  (I swear I'm actually a good person . . . I just hate that place and the people there so, so much).  Most of them treated me like complete shit and acted like I was a moron when I actually knew more about the company than they did, and it's really just a wonderful feeling to see such misplaced arrogance cut down.  I definitely don't want to go in and rub it in their faces that I'm doing well Hastings free, but I feel like I earned the right to go in and shop and silently gloat.  (I got fucking keys thrown at me by a manager when I worked there, so I earned it!)

Anyway.  So that's that.  So long, Hastings 9816.

From Email to EMPLOYED

That's right!!  As of today, I officially have a JOB!!!!!

I'm going to post the whole story, because I'm just that freakin' excited.

Back at the beginning of December (or at least that's about what I figure based on email) I sent my resume in response to a Craigslist ad for a medical billing position at a cardiology clinic.  I figured that with my front desk experience I at least had a decent shot at it.  But I never heard anything, and at the time I was applying for job after job after job, so I pretty much forgot about it.

So fast forward to December 19th.  It was late at night, and I randomly decided to check my "professional" email (aka my email address that actually has my name in it, which I use on my resume and for more professional than personal stuff).  I check that email very, very rarely, since all that usually comes to that email are mailing lists and newsletters.  Well, that night, I had an email from a woman (the practice manager) that was in response to my resume for the billing position, thanking me for my interest in the job and asking me when I could come in for an interview.  I was thrilled, and I emailed her back right that second.  By the next afternoon she'd emailed me back, and the following day (Friday, Dec. 21st) I went in to interview with her.

It went incredibly well.  She mostly told me about the practice and the doctors, went over hours and benefits, asked me about my experience in medical office, and all that.  I felt completely at ease with her, and at the end of the interview she told me she wanted me to meet the business manager for a second interview.  The problem was that it was a Friday, and on Friday the billers and the managers only work until noon, and at the end of my interview it was already 11:30.  The business manager was on vacation the next week, which meant that after the 21st, she wouldn't be in the office until the 31st.  And naturally, the clinic would be closed on the 1st of the year--which meant I'd have to wait until the 2nd or 3rd of January for my interview.  That was a little crappy, but oh well--I was just happy to have had an interview and to have been asked back for a second one.

I left felling really, really good about the whole thing.  I thought the interview had gone as well as it could have, I thought I'd come across really well, I thought the practice manager and I clicked well, and I just had a good feeling about this one.  I felt like . . . yep, this one's mine.  I was feeling superstitious so the only people who knew about the interviews were my family, Jerbs, and Theresa.  (My mom said she had a good feeling about it too, which gave me a confidence boost).  I literally didn't say a word to anybody else, and in the time between interviews, I prayed, crossed my fingers, and wished on every star, eye lash, and 11:11 I possibly could.

I waited as patiently as I could until the 31st, and called their business manager to set up my interview.  She asked me to come on the 2nd (a Wednesday).  I got to the clinic on the 2nd and the practice manager, who did my first interview, took me back to the conference room to introduce me to the business manager.  To my surprise, the business manager had brought the three other members of the billing department to sit in and ask questions as well--which at first totally unnerved me.  As the practice manager left, though, she patted me on the shoulder and wished me luck, which was just really sweet.

Well, the second interview went fantastic.  All 4 women asked me questions, and they seemed to love a lot of my answers.  And it was pretty clear right away that my personality would mesh really, really well with all of them.  It was seriously the best interview I've ever been on.  It was a great blend of serious questions and telling them why they wanted me on their team, to just sharing stories about working in medical offices and laughing.  It was awesome.  Again, I left with a really, really good feeling.  I was just really sure that I could work well with the people I'd met, and that I'd fit in well with their staff.

The business manager said she wanted to decide by the end of the week, and by Friday I hadn't heard anything.  I was so disappointed, but I still had a good feeling about it.  I didn't hear anything on Monday either, so I checked my email again, just in case.  Well, I had an email from the business manager.  It was basically a link to this website and I had to take these 4 little assessment things--they were just like those personality things that are on every application, so I did those, and the following morning, I left a voice mail for the business manager letting her know those were done.

I heard nothing during the rest of Tuesday, and nothing on Wednesday.  I was starting to panic a little and then, this morning, at around 11 AM, I finally got the call.  The business manager apologized for not calling sooner and said she'd been sick and mostly voiceless, told me the results of my little assessments indicated that I'd be a good fit for them, and offered me the position!  (And told me how much it paid, which made me even happier).  I just keep thinking of all the interviews I had up till now, all the disappointment in not being offered those jobs--but it was for good reason, because I ended up right where I was supposed to, I think.

So I went in this afternoon and picked up an official application and signed off on allowing them to do a background check, and as soon as that comes back clean or whatever, I get to start work.

I am beyond thrilled.  I can't even describe the relief I felt when she told me I got the job.  Relief and gratitude.  My hands were shaking when I hung up the phone and I actually started crying.  I am so, so grateful for this opportunity.  For so many reasons.  I'm so happy that I can stop being a burden to Jerbs, that I can start to take care of myself, that I can just not be constantly panicking about money, that I'll have something that makes me feel not useless.

Honestly, I owe a lot of it to the clinic.  One of my jobs as a receptionist was posting charges and payments to patient accounts--which at most medical offices is something the billing dept., not the front desk, does.  It was aggravating at times, but knowing at least a little of the billing side of things definitely worked in my favor.  Plus working at the clinic taught me what questions to ask, if that makes sense: I asked at my first interview about the services the clinic did and their scope of care, what insurances they were contracted with, what medical software they used for front desk and billing, how much of their records were EMR, etc. I think asking things like that made me look interested, serious, and knowledgeable.

I think this is going to be a great thing for me.  I already really like the people I'll be working most closely with.  And I love the clinic itself.  It's a cardiology clinic that opened less than four years ago (I remember when they opened, because I was at the clinic at the time, and they gave us a ton of their info. pamphlets) and in four years they have grown tremendously.  They started out with four doctors and two administrators and now have a staff of 54 . . . I guess 55, counting me!  They have a big scope of care, because they have not only cardiologists, but a psychologist, a nutritionist, an electrophysiologist (who comes up from PHX once a week), and a full sleep clinic.  They co-own a fitness center (which is right across the street from them, so yes, I'll definitely be joining when I can).  They do satellite clinics in Winslow, Page, and Sedona.  It's an incredibly successful practice, and I'm excited to be working for them.  I've never been so excited about a business I'm working for.  I love how many services they offer in the name of heart health--who would have ever thought that psychology and sleep studies were necessary in cardiology?  It's innovative, and I like that a lot.

Plus, I'm glad I'll get to learn medical billing, because that's a skill that'll come in handy.  I'm really looking at this as a career move, not a job.  Because as much as I want to use my degree someday, I would probably be OK doing something like medical billing as my career, because I have plenty of ways to indulge my lit. nerdiness elsewhere.  There's a lot of potential in medical billing, and I really believe that it'll make getting a job wherever I move to a lot easier.

And that's that.  I'm so happy, and this is the best way to really start the year that I could imagine.  My friend Bridget once said (in a comment on this blog about another job interview, actually) that it was about time for me to hit my "up and over" phase.  I think that's a perfect way to describe it.

So up and over I go.

2012 in Review

Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it.  Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.

I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected.  I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be.  I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years.  At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband.  I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.

My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman.  From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff.  Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.

The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship.  As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was.  I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake.  But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year.  And I know that he really loved me too.

Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers.  I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again.  It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still.  And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense.  Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!

I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.

Then came the big move back to Flagstaff.  I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own.  I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.

But it didn't.  I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger.  I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that.  I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do.  The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term.  I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me.  I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.

I've learned to survive without a car.  To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all.  To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me.  To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself.  To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something.  To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.

I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better.  A lot better.  I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective.  I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.

Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to.  I think that where I am now is where I need to be.  Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve?  A little.  Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss?  Absolutely.  But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.

As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations.  I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement.  I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on.  I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it.  But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.

As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be.  But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate.  I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time.  This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me.  I am just looking forward to living my life.  I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great.  I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.

So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.

A Snowy Day

It snowed through last night so we woke up to solid white.  I had to leave the house at one point and there were spots where the snow was up to my knees.  (Granted I have like a 26 inch inseam so up to my knees isn't a huge deal).  Even with all the snow, the roads were clear--just a little icy.

Our porch this afternoon, the ground near our apartment, and the two big pine trees in front of our porch.
Living on the third floor=living at tree top level!

Aside from my outing to Safeway, we all stayed inside and kept warm today.  Both cats were snuggly, and Benji stayed on his heating pad.

And I got some work done on a few embroidery projects I'm working on.

Each of these is part of a Christmas ornament for someone . . . or someone's pet.
I'm not going to say what's for who, since I don't really know who all reads this!

Since I'm not going to have enough money for actual gifts this year, I figured I'd do homemade gifts for everyone.  I'll definitely post pics of the finished projects.  I love embroidering so much, and I'm really enjoying doing it.  I like the way everything's turning out so far (I'm especially proud of the snowman!).

Anyway, that was our snow day.  It's so pretty out right now.  I'm determined to make a snow angel tomorrow.  And a snowman, if I can convince Jerbs to help me.  (She's not as big a fan of snow as I am).

Finally Some Winter Weather

It started snowing at about one this morning, and we woke up to . . .

Those pictures are all from when I was out and about (downtown near the bus transfer center and over by Staples).  I wanted to get a shot of the view from our porch but I didn't have time because, as usual, we were leaving in a hurry.

Isn't it beautiful?  As much as I really didn't want snow this year (because apparently a break up can even ruin little things like weather) I do love how it looks.  Especially the pine trees.  Flagstaff sits in a pine forest so when it's snowing, everywhere in town looks like a Christmas card.

We're supposed to get more tonight and the sky looks like a snow sky so we'll see.