Mental Health Update

Today is World Mental Health Day!  So I figured . . . what better day to finally come back to my blog and post an update about my mental health journey?

Overall, right now, my mental health is in a really good place.  In the time since I moved to Washington, I've gotten a psychiatrist, been diagnosed with OCD, and started on a new antidepressant.

The thing is, my mental health had been dipping quite a bit before I left AZ.  For probably the last year that I was in Flagstaff, I started developing OCD symptoms.  Now, I struggled with OCD as a child, and there's always been a small element of it with my issues, but it had never been a huge problem for me as an adult.  When Jenny and I got to WA, the OCD peaked--I'm sure the stress of the move and the transition into working from home contributed.  It got to a point where it was impacting my life: showering was a massive undertaking that took hours, I couldn't leave the house without doing multiple OCD routines, I wasn't sleeping . . . it was a nightmare.  I started seeing my psychiatrist in the summer of 2017, and at that point, the plan was just to get me re-medicated and see if that helped.  I had hopes that it would, because the OCD had been getting worse as my medication issues had gone on (remember, I didn't have a regular psychiatrist and regular prescriptions for the last year or so I was in Flagstaff).

For all of 2018 I did well with my meds, but the OCD just got worse.  So in January of 2019, I told my psychiatrist I needed something different, because I just couldn't do it anymore.  I had done a lot of research and I asked to be put on Zoloft.  Thankfully my doctor was totally on board, and he thought Zoloft was a great option for me.  So we started that, and I titrated up to a 200 mg/day dose, and . . . it has actually helped a TON!  I've eliminated or limited a bunch of routines, and even with the stuff I'm still working on, my life isn't nearly as impacted by it.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER than I used to, so much more capable of just living my life.  It's great.  And hopefully it keeps getting better, because there are definitely still some things I'm working on.

Another thing that's been really good the past year-ish has been that I've been able to really think about my issues and kind of delve into them and figure myself out.  For example, I've recognized a very specific anxiety trigger that has been with me since I was a kid, I was just never able to quantify it before.  And I recognize that my OCD gets worse in certain situations, like when I'm PMS-ing.  

My overreaction/rage issues are pretty much completely gone.  That's probably the biggest change I've noticed about myself is that I'm just calm about things that, if they happened years ago, would have made me break down.  Last fall, for example, Jenny and I went to leave the apartment to run errands one day, and the car wouldn't start.  I couldn't get it towed for a couple days, and then it took a few days to fix, and . . . it just didn't bother me.  I mean, I wasn't thrilled, because it was a very expensive annoyance, but I took the bus when I needed to go out (I was still working at home when this happened) and just . . . handled it.  As frustrating as it was, it was good to see that progress.  I'm just a lot more capable of dealing with life than I used to be.

I also have a much stronger sense of self than I used to.  That was something I struggled with for a long, long time--feeling like I didn't know myself and had no clue who I was.  And I remember stressing about weird things like not having a cohesive set of hobbies and stuff like that.  But now I'm in a place where I can just embrace and be happy with whatever I feel like doing because . . . it's all me.  (I know that's cheesy as hell but it's true!)  Some days I write, some days I sew, some days I hike, some days I play Overwatch . . . and it's all awesome and I love it.  I actually LIKE myself now and holy crap, it's a good feeling.

And of course, Jenny has been a fantastic help and support through all of this.  I truly don't know what I'd do without her.  (For the record, we're still just roommates/best friends/exes . . . and it's still easy and not weird or awkward or anything.)  

I really am happier and more content than I've ever been as an adult, and I have so much hope and optimism for the future!  I think things will only get better from here.

My Poor Neglected Little Blog

I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.

I'm just so busy lately.  Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing.  (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible.  I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).

There's really not a lot to talk about, though.

Work is work.  This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better.  We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there.  I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.

My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day.  I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise.  I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks.  At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it.  I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out.  (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).

The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with)  came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game.  It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun.  And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones.  I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games.  It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends.  The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex.  So much nostalgia, for so many things.

Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience.  I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to.  I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker.  I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged.  Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons.  My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful.  Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas.  But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman.  I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again.  And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.

It's really pointless to think all that.  What's done is done.  I know my family loves me.  I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better.  Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.

I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.

The Appointment

I am really happy to say that my appointment with my new doctor went really, really well.  Better than I was even hoping, which is always a pleasant surprise.

The doctor herself is just great.  We clicked, and I feel like that's really important in psychiatric care.  I clicked with Dr. Wright, but not with Dr. F, and I'm relieved that Dr. C and I connected.  She was very patient, and thorough, and asked questions that really . . . helped highlight the key points of my whole long history with this BS.  Not all doctors know how to do that.  Her practice is really tiny, which I like, because I feel like with fewer patients she can be more invested in each patient.  Her office is in this beautiful old house downtown, with narrow doorways, creaky hardwood floors, and the most amazing built in bookcase I've ever seen.  (I know that the aesthetics of the office really aren't important treatment wise, but I felt like it was worth mentioning).  She only has one employee, who does the billing/scheduling/reception type stuff, and she's also super nice.  It's just a very calm space overall.  It's also a pretty old fashioned kind of practice: they're all paper records, they don't do electronic billing, and I left with an actual handwritten prescription.

Which brings me to my next point: I walked out of the appointment with a prescription for Lithium!  I really wasn't expecting that at all--I was expecting to leave with an order for blood work and get a prescription at my follow up next week.  But Dr. C said that since I've already been on this medication and all that, she was comfortable with starting me on it, then getting blood work once I'm almost at my old dose.  Which meant that my follow up appointment got pushed back to mid October, which means I have some time to figure out the financing stuff.

So all in all, it was just great.  Great doctor, great staff, great office, a prescription, not having to pay for another appointment for 3 weeks . . . awesome.  Like I said, better than I was even expecting.  It was as pleasant an experience as it could be for being an overall unpleasant thing, but I think I'll elaborate on that later.

Right now, I'm just glad it went so well, glad it's over, and glad to have my medication.

Finally

For the past few days I've been meaning to write about a bunch of things . . . like the pretty crappy down swing I've been on mentally, and the strange epiphany like thoughts I've been having lately, and what a fabulous time I had this past weekend when some friends were in town and I put on real pants (on a Saturday!) and actually left the house.  I will, eventually, write about all those things.

For now, though, I just want to say that after almost a year of not having a psychiatrist, I finally finally finally finally finally found a doctor here in Flagstaff, and I have an appointment on the 25th.  I am immensely relieved and honestly feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

An Update On The Cluster F

My doctor's office called today and left a voicemail saying that they never got a refill request.  So either they're lying or the guy I talked to at my pharmacy is a moron.  Honestly, based on my experience, I'd say that neither is outside the realm of possibility.  I did 5 more refill requests online, which I'm sure will annoy the hell out of the pharmacy, but I'm a little bit done with this crap so they can deal.

So if the issue is that the office never got the request, and if it went through today, I should have my medicine by Saturday, or Sunday at the latest.  I'm hoping for the best case scenario.  Like really, really hoping, because I feel awful.

This is what a week + off my a/d means:
--not sleeping well and vivid, vivid dreams
--hot flashes all.day.long
--random breathlessness
--feelings of intense awkwardness . . . seriously, today at work I felt like a little kid trying to talk to grown ups
--feeling flustered/flushed, especially during conversations
--talking louder/faster than usual
--y'know how your head feels after a long, intense cry?  physically clogged and emotionally empty?  yeah, that . . . all.effing.day
--random flashes of the worst kind of anxiety--this burning, all encompassing flash of pure panic that literally makes me feel like I might collapse . . . fortunately, it only lasts a few seconds or minutes right now, and I've not had any full anxiety attacks yet

Yeah.  Lame.  It sucks.  I just . . . I can't believe I used to live like this.

Anyway, Jerbs is going out of town tomorrow, to visit B and her husband in Phoenix, and I'm a wreck about it.  Normally, I don't mind her leaving--I'm happy she gets to take a little vacation and I like my alone time . . . but I'd rather not be alone when I'm like this.  I'm sure I'll be fine, but still.

This whole thing is just so damn frustrating.  I'm angry that my ability to lead a normal life is so incredibly contingent on other people doing their jobs correctly.  Something about that is just so daunting.  I'll most likely need these medications the rest of my life, which I'm fine with, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the up and down BS that come from someone else's fuck ups.  It makes me feel kind of helpless, and I hate that.

So hopefully this will be resolved quickly, and I'll be able to get back on track.  The good thing with the a/d's is that they get back into your system fairly fast, so it won't take long to feel better.  And if it doesn't get resolved quickly I'm prepared to fight harder.

***EDIT:  It just occurred to me . . . the prescription I requested a refill on was written by my old doctor, who is now practicing in Arkansas.  And now I'm wondering . . . if the pharmacy has his dems updated to his new practice, then maybe my request went there.  Which would explain the denial--because he's not my provider anymore--and the fact that the office here never got it.  Naturally by the time I thought of this the pharmacy was already closed but I'll definitely have to look into it tomorrow.  I'm so relieved to have possibly found the explanation for all this!

Sick x 2

1.  I am physically sick.

I have a sinus infection and it sucks.  My head has felt like it might explode from all the pressure for pretty much the last 3 days straight.  Work has been hell, because I feel like I totally can't focus and every little noise makes my head hurt more.  My head pounds whenever I bend over, my ears keep popping and draining, and I get dizzy when I lie down.  Plus I have a cough and a sore throat.  Oh, and my lymph nodes are so swollen I look like I've gained at least 10 pounds.  And I haven't been to the gym since last Thursday because I don't want to pass out on the elliptical.  Very frustrating.  And naturally this happens when I absolutely cannot miss a day of work because the shit is hitting the fan there at the moment . . . sigh.

2.  I am unmedicated.

Through no fault of my own.

Let me start by saying that when I went to my dr's appt. last week, I had a couple days of medication left.  Enough to get me through the weekend.  And since that POS Dr. DBag assured me that he would call in a prescription for me, when I got to Monday morning and was out of Lithium, I assumed that my pharmacy would have a prescription ready and waiting for me.  Because that's what normally happens when a doctor says he'll call in a script for you.  So I check on my pharmacy website, and there's no record of any script for anything from that doctor.  Meaning . . . it was never called in.  Meaning . . . I paid $200 and all I got for my money was the chance to rehash all the unpleasant details of my history and listen to some incredibly misogynistic theories about men and women.  Granted, they didn't take the payment until Friday (payday) and it could very well be that they were holding the prescription until I paid . . . but Friday was 3 days ago now, and I can tell you from personal experience, because I run patient credit cards every single day, that it takes about 2, maybe 3 minutes to run it and post the payment.  So assuming they did it Friday morning, there is absolutely zero reason for that prescription to not have been called in.  I was freaking livid.  And if for some reason my card didn't go through . . . why haven't I been called?  I also haven't been called to schedule an appt. with the other new doctor I'm supposed to see.  So needless to say, I'm not too thrilled with this office right now.

Anyway, fortunately, I had one more refill of Li from my old doctor still on file that doesn't expire til 2014, so I went ahead and requested that refill.  It was supposed to be ready this afternoon but wouldn't you know it, for some reason, it isn't.  In fact, according to the pharmacy website, the initial request was canceled and then another one for a slightly lower quantity is processing . . . so I don't know WTF is going on.  That's going to be a fun phone call tomorrow morning.

I'm definitely starting to feel the absence of the Li.  Nothing major, I can just feel my anxiety/stress level creeping up a bit.  It probably wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't sick already, or if things at work weren't so insane right now.  I'm hoping that my refill will be ready tomorrow.  If I can get the mental aspect of health back under control I think the physical aspect will be a lot more manageable.

Sigh.  I'm just so irritated by this whole freaking process.  I've been cruising along just fine all this year and I don't like having a wrench thrown in it by, of all people, my doctor's office.

EDIT: My pharmacy got their shit together and I have my Lithium prescription.  Thank.goodness.  I'm still very unimpressed with my doctor's office, though.  (9.25.13)

The Temp Doctor

I have come to the conclusion that there are two things in this world that I just seem to attract like a magnet: people driving the speed limit in the left hand lane of the highway, and crazy doctors.

Yesterday was my first (and only) appointment with my temporary psychiatrist.  He practices out of the same office as my old doctor, and he was basically a "bridge" doctor.  Dr. Wright didn't refill any of my medications in August, and I'm eventually going to start seeing Dr. Boyle, who's joining the practice in October.  But that left a gap so I saw Dr. F.  We'll call him that both because his last name starts with an F and because it's the letter grade I'd give him based on my visit.

It was just an odd, odd experience.  He talked a lot and most of what he said I disagreed with or felt like it had absolutely zero relevance to me.  For example, when I talked about having been in a relationship with Jerbs, Dr. F went off on a ridiculously long tangent about how women can never be emotionally fulfilled by men because men are literally incapable of listening and connecting emotionally women; according to Dr. F women only marry men in order to have children but that in doing so, they sacrifice ever being emotionally fulfilled.  He said that biologically speaking women have to have close female friends and that his marriage has been successful because his wife is "permitted" to have her girlfriends.  He said the stone ages were easier when men went off together and hunted and women banded together to raise the kids.

I pointed out that I have no desire for kids and he reassured me that was just because of my past.  Mmmk.

He also said that my and Jerbs' breakup was completely my fault and that I need a man who's older than me, not younger like Corey is.  He also kind of insinuated a couple times that Corey used my "past" against me, and I found myself coming to Corey's defense because that is just the farthest thing from the truth.  And defending my ex wasn't something I expected to be doing during this whole thing.

It was very frustrating.  I left feeling . . . offended.  Almost violated in a way.  My next appointment will be with Dr. Boyle, but it hasn't been scheduled yet.  It just felt like a waste of time to see Dr. F at all because I'm pretty sure I still had a Li refill from Dr. Wright.  Waste of time and money.

I know that some of the way I felt about it was me, too.  I had to tell him my whole story, from the beginning.  All the hard, painful, yucky details.  And even though I don't mind telling people I'm bipolar and talking about recovery in general terms, I don't really like talking about.  I want to take my 5 pills a day and completely forget that I'm bipolar past that.  So of course rehashing it was sucky.  (And I'll get to do it again in a month or so with the new doctor!  Yay!)

I'm just glad it's over and done with.  And glad that I don't have to go back to Dr. F.