Buckling Down

I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like the past two weeks have just been . . . weird.  I can't quite put my finger on why but things have felt off.  It's been frustrating and I'm really trying to shake it.

Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather.  That's never easy for me.  And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside.  Very, very annoying.  I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks.  Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit.  I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out.  And I obviously can't sleep through work.  And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate.  I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out.  That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.

But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.

I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  That is, at the moment, a high priority.  Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.

I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being.  I need to drink less soda and more water.  I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP.  I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.

I need to work out.  I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio.  My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.

And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.

I need to write.  That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it.  I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.

The Thing Is

Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to.  I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him.  The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real.  Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way.  Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again.  I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.

I miss him.  I really do.  And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling.  And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon.  I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.

The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do.  I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed.  Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now.  So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right.  Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.

Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time.  I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly.  I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before.  I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better.  I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that.  I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life.  I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE.  Definitely a good thing.

I feel less anxious about where my life is going.  I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it.  I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else.  These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.

I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD.  I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school.  I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.

I'm also writing again, which is fantastic.  And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food.  Generally, I'm doing well.

My moods aren't perfect.  I still have my bad moments.  But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.

Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around?  Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress?  And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them.  He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better.  Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself.  And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted.  I know that's irrational but still.

Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back.  My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful).  It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up.  And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.

Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.

I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself.  And I'm going to keep getting better.  And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.

A Milestone

Last night I entered my first creative writing contest.

I'm pretty excited about it!

I'm also just pretty excited that I finished a writing project in general.

I finished a writing project!!  That's something I haven't done in a long, long time.  The last time I finished a writing project was before I met Corey, and that particular project was only semi-original.  And I have wanted to be a writer since I was 5 years old.  So this is kind of a big freaking deal.

And who knows?  Maybe I'll win or place.  Even if I don't, I'm still damn proud of myself for being able to finish something to enter.

Just the fact that something is finished feels amazing to me.  This particular short story is one I've had in my head for years and in a way, I feel like a weight is lifted now that I've finally used the idea.  And my confidence has definitely gotten a boost--if I could finish that project then I can finish more.

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But there is also something bittersweet in this.  And it has to do with Corey (are you surprised?).

Finishing a writing project means I did something for myself.  I did something because I enjoy doing it and it is an interest of mine.  I did something that is potentially a part of the career I see for myself, and that puts me closer to being a successful writer.  And there is just this odd sense of life going on, and it's kind of weird to think that I'm living for myself and working on myself when this huge part of my life just ended and this huge part of myself still feels completely wrecked from it, if that makes sense.

I guess it shows me that I can do it.  That whatever is or isn't going on with me and Corey, I've got my own life to live.  And it makes me feel like I can do all the other things I need to do, like therapy and all that.  And that's a good thing.
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I'll know by Dec. 31st what the results of the contest are.  Fingers crossed!!

Accomplished

Today I feel accomplished.

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The apartment is clean.

I finished a short story. (!!!)

I did 25 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes on the bike.

I've made a tentative decision about going back to school.

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So go me!