I would love to be able to say that this past week only got better after the flat tire fiasco.
But it didn't. It didn't really get any worse, though. Which I guess is a good thing.
Monday was the flat tire thing. Tuesday I started feeling sick (head cold/sinus infection kinda stuff). Wednesday I felt sicker and ended up being forced to deal with some financial unpleasantness . . . which is actually a good thing, in the long run, but still. Thursday I finished dealing with the money stuff and Jerbs left for Phoenix for Comic Con (after a long debacle of her bus being canceled and having to buy a last minute ticket on the airport shuttle), which was good for her but I'm not a huge fan of being alone. Friday I felt like absolute crap and had to stay late at work, so by the time I got home I was pretty dang miserable. Friday night I took some nighttime cold and cough medicine and slept incredibly well. Saturday my cold symptoms were mostly gone (yay!) but I had nighttime cold medicine hangover all day long, so I basically did nothing. The weather was nice, too, and I wasn't thrilled to be stuck inside when I'd have rather taken the dogs out hiking or something.
Today has been uneventful. I did laundry, cleaned, painted my toenails . . . all that usual Sunday stuff. Jerbs will be home late tonight (hopefully with a super awesome present for me) and I'm excited to see her.
Overall this past week was not the best one of my life. Not the worst either, I suppose.
Edited to Add: Jerbs got Nathan Fillion's autograph for me at PCC!! Freaking awesome present!
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
6.08.2014
5.13.2014
Allergies
Disclaimer: I took Benadryl a few hours ago (and by few I mean almost 7) and am still a little drugged up. So keep that in mind if you're reading this.
So this morning, I woke up for work and my face felt all swollen and puffy. It didn't look that bad except around my eyes so I figured it was nothing and went to work. It got progressively worse as the day went on, and it was freaking awful. Then in the afternoon I started getting itchy. I had already assumed I was having some kind of allergic reaction based on the puffiness, and the itchiness basically confirmed that.
I tried to suck it up and stay at work but I was miserable. I ended up leaving a little after 3:30 (and only lost an hour of work since I hadn't taken a lunch). I came home and took a Benadryl and just woke up a little while ago. I feel better; my face still feels kinda puffy but I'm not itching, so that's good.
Seriously WTF? I know it's allergy season and with the wind we've had lately it seems like everyone's reacting to something that's blowing around, but I have so rarely dealt with allergies that this just irritates me. I know it was the summer of 2009 that I ever even remotely thought I had allergies, because it was right after Jerbs and I moved to the east side of town. I didn't have anything like that once I moved back to Kingman in 2011, but it seems like the summer allergies have gotten progressively worse since I came back to Flagstaff almost 2 years ago.
Conclusion: I am apparently allergic to something that blooms in Flagstaff but not (or just less) in Kingman. Lovely. And as I have yet to find an allergy medicine that doesn't completely knock me out for hours on end, I'm going to have to just deal with it during work hours. Fabulous.
And now that I've recorded this lovely bit of drugged up rambling, I'm going back to bed.
So this morning, I woke up for work and my face felt all swollen and puffy. It didn't look that bad except around my eyes so I figured it was nothing and went to work. It got progressively worse as the day went on, and it was freaking awful. Then in the afternoon I started getting itchy. I had already assumed I was having some kind of allergic reaction based on the puffiness, and the itchiness basically confirmed that.
I tried to suck it up and stay at work but I was miserable. I ended up leaving a little after 3:30 (and only lost an hour of work since I hadn't taken a lunch). I came home and took a Benadryl and just woke up a little while ago. I feel better; my face still feels kinda puffy but I'm not itching, so that's good.
Seriously WTF? I know it's allergy season and with the wind we've had lately it seems like everyone's reacting to something that's blowing around, but I have so rarely dealt with allergies that this just irritates me. I know it was the summer of 2009 that I ever even remotely thought I had allergies, because it was right after Jerbs and I moved to the east side of town. I didn't have anything like that once I moved back to Kingman in 2011, but it seems like the summer allergies have gotten progressively worse since I came back to Flagstaff almost 2 years ago.
Conclusion: I am apparently allergic to something that blooms in Flagstaff but not (or just less) in Kingman. Lovely. And as I have yet to find an allergy medicine that doesn't completely knock me out for hours on end, I'm going to have to just deal with it during work hours. Fabulous.
And now that I've recorded this lovely bit of drugged up rambling, I'm going back to bed.
3.11.2014
. . .
I really couldn't think of a title for this post.
I am just in a bad funk lately. For the past couple weeks my diet's been off the rails, I haven't worked out at all, and my sleep schedule has been a complete and utter cluster fuck. I feel like I've accomplished nothing (outside of work) in forever. I've stopped being concerned with money management and other little things that I should be taking charge of.
In short I feel like a failure. I'm depressed and frustrated and I'm starting to panic over my ever growing TO DO list. I can also feel myself starting to disengage like I used to and I hate it. It sucks and I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it.
Well, I guess I do know where it's coming from. I'm sure Benji dying is a big factor. Work is incredibly stressful right now (new duties, bigger responsibility, a boss that now lives in Florida, etc), and while I love how busy I am, I'm sure it's contributing to this down swing. And then there's the whole being surrounded by happily married co-workers, and having mostly friends who are either married or happily committed, thing. I don't think I'm a bitter person when it comes to this and I absolutely don't hold anyone's happiness against them but I won't lie, sometimes it makes me feel so lonely. And it all feeds each other, because I get lonely and depressed and then I eat my feelings and then beat myself up about that and inevitably tell myself that the reason I'm alone is that I'm fat and unattractive and completely don't have my shit together, which leads to being lonely and depressed and eating my feelings. It's a shitty, vicious cycle.
But I know it's temporary. Benji not being here will get easier, or at least more tolerable; things at work will shake out and I'll adjust to the changes and be awesome; I will get my shit together outside of work; I will, eventually, get physically healthy.
For now I just have to take it a day at a time and keep on keepin' on, I suppose.
I am just in a bad funk lately. For the past couple weeks my diet's been off the rails, I haven't worked out at all, and my sleep schedule has been a complete and utter cluster fuck. I feel like I've accomplished nothing (outside of work) in forever. I've stopped being concerned with money management and other little things that I should be taking charge of.
In short I feel like a failure. I'm depressed and frustrated and I'm starting to panic over my ever growing TO DO list. I can also feel myself starting to disengage like I used to and I hate it. It sucks and I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it.
Well, I guess I do know where it's coming from. I'm sure Benji dying is a big factor. Work is incredibly stressful right now (new duties, bigger responsibility, a boss that now lives in Florida, etc), and while I love how busy I am, I'm sure it's contributing to this down swing. And then there's the whole being surrounded by happily married co-workers, and having mostly friends who are either married or happily committed, thing. I don't think I'm a bitter person when it comes to this and I absolutely don't hold anyone's happiness against them but I won't lie, sometimes it makes me feel so lonely. And it all feeds each other, because I get lonely and depressed and then I eat my feelings and then beat myself up about that and inevitably tell myself that the reason I'm alone is that I'm fat and unattractive and completely don't have my shit together, which leads to being lonely and depressed and eating my feelings. It's a shitty, vicious cycle.
But I know it's temporary. Benji not being here will get easier, or at least more tolerable; things at work will shake out and I'll adjust to the changes and be awesome; I will get my shit together outside of work; I will, eventually, get physically healthy.
For now I just have to take it a day at a time and keep on keepin' on, I suppose.
1.26.2014
Another Blah Week
Seriously. WTF life?
This past week was another just blah kinda thing. Last week it was my sleep schedule, but this week I don't know what was going on. I was just exhausted all week. Exhausted, kinda down, just blah and out of it. It sucked.
I think it's a few things. Stress at work, for one, because everything is changing and I don't like it. I did move into my new office Friday after work, and I think that once I get into it and stuff it'll be fine, but I'm still stressed out about it. I keep telling myself that regardless of who's doing what in my department there will always be something for me to do, that there is enough work to go around, and that whatever my duties end up being I will keep going to work because I like having a job. Whenever I start to get really upset about it I make myself remember where I was last November/December--unemployed and desperately checking CraigsList/AZ Daily Sun/Monster every night and hoping that I'd see something that I could do and praying that someone would like what they saw on my resume and called me for an interview. Those were not fun times and I don't miss it. I'm also stressed because my one year eval should be coming up right around the corner here (technically it should have already happened) and I just want it to be done and over with.
Also money related stress lately. I don't know why, because I don't actually have any major money problems at the moment. Well, aside from not having a debit card (STILL), which is just its own kind of cluster F. I just keep telling myself to relax. I have two months this year where I'll get 3 paychecks, which will be helpful to save some, and I should have a decent tax refund coming up. So really not much to worry about, but I do need to be, in general, better about managing my finances.
I did make a big purchase this weekend of a Polar FT 4 heart rate monitor to help me with my fitness goals. I'm super excited to wear it tomorrow. And really, if it helps me get healthy and reach my goals then it was worth what I paid for it. (Here's where my bank is screwing me--I could have gotten it cheaper online but without my debit card I didn't have that option. I had to buy locally, which isn't horrible, but still frustrating).
I also started taking a vitamin B complex supplement. I'm hoping it will help me with my energy level, which, as I mentioned, was non existent this past week. It already seems to be helping a bit (today, for example, was leaps and bounds better than every other day this week).
Some of this is my lady parts, too, because *that* should be right around the corner. Blech.
But I'm staying optimistic. New week, fresh start, all that crap, right?
This past week was another just blah kinda thing. Last week it was my sleep schedule, but this week I don't know what was going on. I was just exhausted all week. Exhausted, kinda down, just blah and out of it. It sucked.
I think it's a few things. Stress at work, for one, because everything is changing and I don't like it. I did move into my new office Friday after work, and I think that once I get into it and stuff it'll be fine, but I'm still stressed out about it. I keep telling myself that regardless of who's doing what in my department there will always be something for me to do, that there is enough work to go around, and that whatever my duties end up being I will keep going to work because I like having a job. Whenever I start to get really upset about it I make myself remember where I was last November/December--unemployed and desperately checking CraigsList/AZ Daily Sun/Monster every night and hoping that I'd see something that I could do and praying that someone would like what they saw on my resume and called me for an interview. Those were not fun times and I don't miss it. I'm also stressed because my one year eval should be coming up right around the corner here (technically it should have already happened) and I just want it to be done and over with.
Also money related stress lately. I don't know why, because I don't actually have any major money problems at the moment. Well, aside from not having a debit card (STILL), which is just its own kind of cluster F. I just keep telling myself to relax. I have two months this year where I'll get 3 paychecks, which will be helpful to save some, and I should have a decent tax refund coming up. So really not much to worry about, but I do need to be, in general, better about managing my finances.
I did make a big purchase this weekend of a Polar FT 4 heart rate monitor to help me with my fitness goals. I'm super excited to wear it tomorrow. And really, if it helps me get healthy and reach my goals then it was worth what I paid for it. (Here's where my bank is screwing me--I could have gotten it cheaper online but without my debit card I didn't have that option. I had to buy locally, which isn't horrible, but still frustrating).
I also started taking a vitamin B complex supplement. I'm hoping it will help me with my energy level, which, as I mentioned, was non existent this past week. It already seems to be helping a bit (today, for example, was leaps and bounds better than every other day this week).
Some of this is my lady parts, too, because *that* should be right around the corner. Blech.
But I'm staying optimistic. New week, fresh start, all that crap, right?
12.01.2013
Weekend Recap
First let me say this: I do NOT want to go back to work tomorrow. Seriously, this long weekend has been amazing . . . I'm not looking forward to Monday.
I had a productive weekend. On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome. A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off. Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large. I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big. And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes. And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!
I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts. I'll be busy doing that this week.
Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning. He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.
But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game! So Jerbs had to go anyway. I went too and it was so much fun! I'll write more about that later. But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.
And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc. Sigh. I hate Sundays.
Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start. So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother. Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th. And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever. Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.
Here's to a new week! Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!
I had a productive weekend. On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome. A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off. Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large. I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big. And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes. And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!
I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts. I'll be busy doing that this week.
Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning. He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.
But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game! So Jerbs had to go anyway. I went too and it was so much fun! I'll write more about that later. But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.
And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc. Sigh. I hate Sundays.
Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start. So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother. Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th. And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever. Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.
Here's to a new week! Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!
11.22.2013
TGIF
I'm so glad this week is over.
It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved. I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.
I have just been exhausted this week. Flat out exhausted. Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing. This time I'm blaming it on other things.
I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night. Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should. But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious. I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect. So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.
Which meant I went to bed late on Monday. And took a nap on Tuesday. And so on and so forth. I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps). So I screwed my sleep schedule.
Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.
Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather. It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.
I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week. Sigh.
Next week should be better. The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule. Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it. But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there. It happens to everyone, right?
Here's to Friday!
It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved. I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.
I have just been exhausted this week. Flat out exhausted. Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing. This time I'm blaming it on other things.
I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night. Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should. But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious. I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect. So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.
Which meant I went to bed late on Monday. And took a nap on Tuesday. And so on and so forth. I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps). So I screwed my sleep schedule.
Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.
Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather. It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.
I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week. Sigh.
Next week should be better. The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule. Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it. But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there. It happens to everyone, right?
Here's to Friday!
11.16.2013
Thoughts & Stuff
I've been feeling pretty happy lately. For the past two weeks, really, ever since I got back from Kingman; I think something about my visit home had an energizing effect on me. I've been writing--like actually writing, not just sort of scribbling notes here and there, but actually focusing on one specific writing project and working on it. I'm making progress on it and it makes me happy. And I'm really proud of my diet accomplishments this past week; I know I wasn't perfect but I definitely took some really good steps in the right direction and I feel confident about how this next week will go in that respect.
It's been nice. I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.
And then tonight just . . . I don't know.
It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.
Let me say that I am happy with my life. I know I don't have a lot to complain about. But there are times when I'm not content. Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I am so lonely. This is probably the worst thing. I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff. There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with. She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable. Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers. I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.
And I'm sick of being single. So fucking sick of it. I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am. And I hate myself for not being over it. I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing. The regret is still immense.
I just . . . want a change. I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal. And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be. And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.
It's been nice. I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.
And then tonight just . . . I don't know.
It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.
Let me say that I am happy with my life. I know I don't have a lot to complain about. But there are times when I'm not content. Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I am so lonely. This is probably the worst thing. I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff. There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with. She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable. Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers. I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.
And I'm sick of being single. So fucking sick of it. I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am. And I hate myself for not being over it. I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing. The regret is still immense.
I just . . . want a change. I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal. And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be. And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.
10.08.2013
Happy Pictures
Today was a cruddy day. I was tired and sore and woke up with a splitting headache, I didn't get to shower before work, I skipped the gym, and I ate my feelings. I'm just . . . sad. And I know why, and I know it'll pass, but unfortunately, it's not something that's fixable. And that royally, royally sucks.
So here are some pictures that have made me happy recently. Enjoy.
Max is very protective of his toys, especially from the
cats. Which is why he's usually holding on to at least two
of them at once.
Side note: in the time since this picture was taken he
chewed that bone into pieces and then puked up some of the
pieces next to my bed. Because he loves me.
Max and Irene are kind of friends now. Well, they at
least tolerate one another. But only because they both
love my bed.
Halloween nails round one! It's a spider web/spider
pattern from our stamper set.
Close up. I love how these turned out.
Max won't share his toys, but this past weekend he let
Benji share his new bone. Benji can't chew on bones anymore,
so he just kind of licked it. It's ham flavored.
It was seriously the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I might
have teared up a little when it happened.
And even though I skipped the gym today, I did do my lower body workout at home. So I at least did *something*. Baby steps.
4.12.2013
Up and Down and Back Up and Back Down
That's how this week was.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
3.13.2013
Out of Sorts
I've felt out of sorts the past few days. I'm not really sure why and I'm not really sure how to describe it but it kind of sucks.
I feel anxious. Antsy. At times almost like I want to crawl out of my skin. Shades of how I felt when I was still really sick. Kind of uneasy, like I'm not fully engaged. Impatient, like time somehow isn't moving fast enough. I hate it.
I feel twitchy and the pressure in my head has gotten worse. It makes me miserable. MISERABLE.
I feel useless and worthless (this comes and goes). Like a loser. Like I just kind of suck at everything. Like I've not got a whole lot going for me (which is stupid because I know I do). Like I'm treading water and not getting ahead despite having a good job and whatever.
I feel fat. And ugly. Like I'm getting bigger instead of smaller. And I know I need to do better on my diet (seriously, the Dr. Pepper needs to go) but I get so frustrated, because with all this going on I feel like even if I completely cut out soda and kept busting my ass at the gym I'd get nowhere. It's very very aggravating.
And the thing is that for me frustration can still escalate pretty quickly into rage. On Monday at the gym, a lot of things went wrong (had my headphones with me but not my iPod, put my locker code in wrong and got locked out of it before my workout and my water was in there; spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what I did wrong since the only staff members on duty were male and couldn't come in the women's locker room unless it was empty, which it wasn't) and I felt a surge of that old rage run through me. I hated it. I haven't felt that in a long time (the last time I remember being rageful was September) and it scared me. I don't like that feeling.
I really don't know what the hell all this is from because before . . . like Monday, maybe Sunday, I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden . . .
It's frustrating. And on top of this my mom's been in the ER twice this week (today and yesterday) and she's fine (getting better with antibiotics and steroids) but I'm still worried about her. And I'm pissed that I'm not in Kingman to be there for her and you can imagine the whole mental can of worms that opened.
Maybe my period's going to start early this month, because this almost feels like the start of a cycle. So we'll see. I also think it may be related to the change in the weather recently, because I'm very sensitive to weather changes, particularly from winter to spring/summer. And we got like 8 or 10 inches of snow this past weekend, and since Monday the temps have been in the 60's.
Whatever the reason I hope this passes soon, because feeling like this again--even though it's not nearly at the same level it used to be--is even worse now that I know what it feels like to be happy.
I feel anxious. Antsy. At times almost like I want to crawl out of my skin. Shades of how I felt when I was still really sick. Kind of uneasy, like I'm not fully engaged. Impatient, like time somehow isn't moving fast enough. I hate it.
I feel twitchy and the pressure in my head has gotten worse. It makes me miserable. MISERABLE.
I feel useless and worthless (this comes and goes). Like a loser. Like I just kind of suck at everything. Like I've not got a whole lot going for me (which is stupid because I know I do). Like I'm treading water and not getting ahead despite having a good job and whatever.
I feel fat. And ugly. Like I'm getting bigger instead of smaller. And I know I need to do better on my diet (seriously, the Dr. Pepper needs to go) but I get so frustrated, because with all this going on I feel like even if I completely cut out soda and kept busting my ass at the gym I'd get nowhere. It's very very aggravating.
And the thing is that for me frustration can still escalate pretty quickly into rage. On Monday at the gym, a lot of things went wrong (had my headphones with me but not my iPod, put my locker code in wrong and got locked out of it before my workout and my water was in there; spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what I did wrong since the only staff members on duty were male and couldn't come in the women's locker room unless it was empty, which it wasn't) and I felt a surge of that old rage run through me. I hated it. I haven't felt that in a long time (the last time I remember being rageful was September) and it scared me. I don't like that feeling.
I really don't know what the hell all this is from because before . . . like Monday, maybe Sunday, I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden . . .
It's frustrating. And on top of this my mom's been in the ER twice this week (today and yesterday) and she's fine (getting better with antibiotics and steroids) but I'm still worried about her. And I'm pissed that I'm not in Kingman to be there for her and you can imagine the whole mental can of worms that opened.
Maybe my period's going to start early this month, because this almost feels like the start of a cycle. So we'll see. I also think it may be related to the change in the weather recently, because I'm very sensitive to weather changes, particularly from winter to spring/summer. And we got like 8 or 10 inches of snow this past weekend, and since Monday the temps have been in the 60's.
Whatever the reason I hope this passes soon, because feeling like this again--even though it's not nearly at the same level it used to be--is even worse now that I know what it feels like to be happy.
2.16.2013
Grump Grump Grump
For some reason, I've been grumpy lately. Maybe lately is the wrong way to say it since it's only been since yesterday but still.
I just woke up in a bad mood yesterday. A really bad mood. I'd slept fine and through the night (so rare for me), but as soon as I was up I was just . . . really grouchy. For the first time since I started I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to talk to Jerbs or anything. I don't really know why . . . it was just kind of one of those things. I was OK at work and actually got a lot done but I just felt kind of off throughout. I was so excited to get off at noon and come home and take a nap. But then Jerbs got off early and I just felt weirdly annoyed with her . . . which is stupid because she hasn't done anything, and I felt bad.
I'm still a little grouchy. For the rest of the day, after work, when I wasn't sleeping (I took a 4 hour nap . . . good job), I just felt off. Kinda cranky, kinda down in the dumps, kinda panicky. Like I said, I'm not really sure why . . . I have some theories, though.
I think the day started out badly because I decided to sleep in and skip showering, and even though I always think it's a good idea at the time, it never is, because I end up getting to work and feeling gross and ugly next to the other girls. (I work almost exclusively with women . . . the only man who works in the business office is our CEO). And of course that's not a good experience so yeah. Plus I wore new shoes today (I finally found cute boots with a little heel!) and even though that's a good thing, I think the combo of feeling like I looked like shit and wearing cute shoes made me feel silly. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it's true . . . I felt like an ugly little kid trying to wear big girl shoes. (I love the shoes though).
Plus lately I've just felt . . . I don't know, weak and tired and sluggish and HUGE. I think it's because I haven't worked out in quite awhile, which is lame. Hopefully that'll change next week . . . the person I need to talk to about joining the gym was out yesterday and today, so I sent her an email today. I can't wait to get back in the groove of working out. I've also been craving bad things lately, and I've eaten out more times than I should have this past week. Granted one day was my birthday, and two days were treats for Jerbs, but I'd wanted those 3 to be it and that definitely hasn't happened. I am still under my goal for the month, so I'm going to try really hard to stop. And then there's the ridiculous Dr. Pepper craving. Lately I've just been feeling like I NEED soda, especially at work (maybe because I'm tired? I don't know). But I was doing so well, craving more water and all that, and now all of a sudden . . . not so much. (I am still drinking a lot of water, though, which is somewhat of a plus). I'm not even going to say how much Dr. Pepper I've had in the past week because it's just too pathetic to admit publicly.
Most of it's probably just that my time of the month is about to start. I hate it so much.
The panic is mostly over money. I admit I did a lot of spending with this paycheck. But it was almost completely on stuff I needed (like some new work clothes and shoes, groceries, household stuff, etc), and a big chunk of it was a rent check to Jerbs. And honestly I'm making enough money to support myself but the thing is, I have to pick up my Lithium tomorrow (which is my expensive medicine) AND I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday. Combined that's nearly $200, which sucks. But I try to remind myself that I'll very rarely have those two expenses happen out of the same check (I only have to go to the doctor every 3 months), and that I get paid again the day after my doctor's appt., so really, I'll be fine. Still, it's a little daunting.
So that's that. Hopefully I get to feeling better soon, and hopefully this cycle doesn't suck too badly.
I just woke up in a bad mood yesterday. A really bad mood. I'd slept fine and through the night (so rare for me), but as soon as I was up I was just . . . really grouchy. For the first time since I started I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to talk to Jerbs or anything. I don't really know why . . . it was just kind of one of those things. I was OK at work and actually got a lot done but I just felt kind of off throughout. I was so excited to get off at noon and come home and take a nap. But then Jerbs got off early and I just felt weirdly annoyed with her . . . which is stupid because she hasn't done anything, and I felt bad.
I'm still a little grouchy. For the rest of the day, after work, when I wasn't sleeping (I took a 4 hour nap . . . good job), I just felt off. Kinda cranky, kinda down in the dumps, kinda panicky. Like I said, I'm not really sure why . . . I have some theories, though.
I think the day started out badly because I decided to sleep in and skip showering, and even though I always think it's a good idea at the time, it never is, because I end up getting to work and feeling gross and ugly next to the other girls. (I work almost exclusively with women . . . the only man who works in the business office is our CEO). And of course that's not a good experience so yeah. Plus I wore new shoes today (I finally found cute boots with a little heel!) and even though that's a good thing, I think the combo of feeling like I looked like shit and wearing cute shoes made me feel silly. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it's true . . . I felt like an ugly little kid trying to wear big girl shoes. (I love the shoes though).
Plus lately I've just felt . . . I don't know, weak and tired and sluggish and HUGE. I think it's because I haven't worked out in quite awhile, which is lame. Hopefully that'll change next week . . . the person I need to talk to about joining the gym was out yesterday and today, so I sent her an email today. I can't wait to get back in the groove of working out. I've also been craving bad things lately, and I've eaten out more times than I should have this past week. Granted one day was my birthday, and two days were treats for Jerbs, but I'd wanted those 3 to be it and that definitely hasn't happened. I am still under my goal for the month, so I'm going to try really hard to stop. And then there's the ridiculous Dr. Pepper craving. Lately I've just been feeling like I NEED soda, especially at work (maybe because I'm tired? I don't know). But I was doing so well, craving more water and all that, and now all of a sudden . . . not so much. (I am still drinking a lot of water, though, which is somewhat of a plus). I'm not even going to say how much Dr. Pepper I've had in the past week because it's just too pathetic to admit publicly.
Most of it's probably just that my time of the month is about to start. I hate it so much.
The panic is mostly over money. I admit I did a lot of spending with this paycheck. But it was almost completely on stuff I needed (like some new work clothes and shoes, groceries, household stuff, etc), and a big chunk of it was a rent check to Jerbs. And honestly I'm making enough money to support myself but the thing is, I have to pick up my Lithium tomorrow (which is my expensive medicine) AND I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday. Combined that's nearly $200, which sucks. But I try to remind myself that I'll very rarely have those two expenses happen out of the same check (I only have to go to the doctor every 3 months), and that I get paid again the day after my doctor's appt., so really, I'll be fine. Still, it's a little daunting.
So that's that. Hopefully I get to feeling better soon, and hopefully this cycle doesn't suck too badly.
12.01.2012
Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts
I've been feeling blah lately. I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed. I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon. I just hate it. I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube. Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.
Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now. It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia. Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad. I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work. Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out. I think it's because of the bed situation. I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks. It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much. I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know? Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor. Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon. Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move. (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).
I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately. When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that. And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.
So basically I took this past week off. I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything. Just some job apps and I started working on a short story. That's about it. I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.
---------------
I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable. Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it. Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable. So I missed two seasons of DWTS. Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's. So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online.
I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar. Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011. And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey. And I just . . . I remembered that night. With him.
If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried. Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life. And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah. But I really didn't feel that. (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).
8.24.2012
Sometimes . . .
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I don't know. Today was a shitty day.
Work was terrible and exemplified all the reasons I hate this store. I was feeling iffy about the potential new job (like iffy as far as whether I'd take it or not if it was offered to me) but I think today's shift was a sign that if I do get it, I should take it and run.
Then the bus ride home with Jerbs was stressful because we got stuck on our first bus (thank you downtown Flag) and missed our bus leaving the transfer station, which meant waiting for a half hour at the bus station. Plus our first bus was full of college students and went through campus, both of which stress me out and depress me.
We got home and I took a nap, and it was when I woke up that the wanting to curl up in a ball and cry started.
I just felt so discouraged. I can't even really put into words why, I just suddenly felt so down.
A lot of it is Ex-Fiance. I miss him so, so much. It's just kinda hit me the past few days and I wish I could see him and talk to him. We haven't spoken in about two weeks and tomorrow will be three months since the actual breakup. It's weird, and I don't get what's going on between us, and I just . . . am lost.
I don't know. Today was a shitty day.
Work was terrible and exemplified all the reasons I hate this store. I was feeling iffy about the potential new job (like iffy as far as whether I'd take it or not if it was offered to me) but I think today's shift was a sign that if I do get it, I should take it and run.
Then the bus ride home with Jerbs was stressful because we got stuck on our first bus (thank you downtown Flag) and missed our bus leaving the transfer station, which meant waiting for a half hour at the bus station. Plus our first bus was full of college students and went through campus, both of which stress me out and depress me.
We got home and I took a nap, and it was when I woke up that the wanting to curl up in a ball and cry started.
I just felt so discouraged. I can't even really put into words why, I just suddenly felt so down.
A lot of it is Ex-Fiance. I miss him so, so much. It's just kinda hit me the past few days and I wish I could see him and talk to him. We haven't spoken in about two weeks and tomorrow will be three months since the actual breakup. It's weird, and I don't get what's going on between us, and I just . . . am lost.
7.27.2012
Lately . . .
I feel like a total slacker.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
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