Sad Pics of 9816

On Friday, after Jerbs and I ate dinner, we decided to go over to Hastings and see what they had for sale.  I think I was expecting the store to look exactly how it had last time I was there in November, only with emptier shelves and lower prices.

But to my surprise, the store was almost completely empty.  The rental wall is empty, all but 2 bookshelves are empty, the entire kids book section is just gone, etc etc etc.  It actually really depressed me and I might have teared up a little.  I don't know why, because I really and truly hated that place, and I think closing the store is a good decision.  It was still hard, though.  Maybe because I did have some good times there in college.  Maybe just because I don't like change or endings.

Anyway, Jerbs and I took some pictures since it was the last time we'd ever see that building as Hastings again . . . which is a weird, weird, weird thought.

The rental wall (the blue part) and aisles that used to be
for sale video.

Video games.  These fixtures used to be rental games
and game guides.

The trends section, where all the random stuff was--
board games, socks, magnets, lanyards, gag gifts, etc.  That back
wall was the t-shirt wall.

Empty bookcases.

Random extra fixtures just kind of hanging out
down at the end of the rental wall, plus the edge
of the video side of the video/music desk.

This is a random four way fixture at the start of
the video section.  It used to hold sports memorabilia on
some sides, and movie memorabilia on the rest.  I had to completely
rearrange it at least every other LS shift.

There were only 4 people working in the store that night.  And it was dead . . . there was only a handful of other customers, and this place used to be slammed on Friday nights. 

I was disappointed that all the trends stuff was gone because that's what I'd wanted to buy on sale.  Jerbs found some cheap DVD's though, so that's good.

Even though I 100% do NOT miss working there, I'll definitely miss Hastings, because I like the company, I liked this store (as far as buying things), and it's kind of a sentimental thing for me.  I hope that all the people still working there--even the ones I don't like--are able to find new, better jobs now.  (OK, I won't lie, I only wish that for most of them . . . there are a few I really despise and would love to see fail . . . I'm terrible).

And even though it was sad, I'm glad that Jerbs and I decided to go in there, because I wanted to say goodbye, and I feel like I got to.  (I know, I'm so weird).  It's going to be really bizarre to see Sprouts instead of Hastings in that plaza when it opens.

It's Weird

It's weird to have a job.

It's weird to have the job that I do.  (Seriously, I have a degree in literature and I'm working in a math and medical related field.  WTF?)

It's weird to have a grown up schedule.

It's weird to be making enough money to support myself.  (Eventually.  Obviously I haven't gotten a full paycheck yet).

I'm happy, but it's also just . . . weird.  Some nights I can't really believe I got this job.  Some nights I habitually go to Craigslist and look at the job ads before I remember that I don't have to do that anymore.  And you would not believe the relief I feel every time that happens.

Did I tell you I almost didn't even go to the second interview?  I don't think I ever mentioned that, but it's totally true.  I'd had a good feeling after my first interview, but for whatever reason, New Years was a hard holiday.  I found myself anxious and depressed for part of New Years Eve and all of New Years Day.  So on the morning of the second I was feeling very negative, and as I got ready for my interview my mind was racing.  I just kept thinking, there is no way in hell I'm going to get this job, and why would I ever think I might?  I kept thinking that it was going to be a huge disappointment just like all my other interviews.  And then I kept thinking about what I would do if that happened--like in a what would I do next way--and it wasn't pleasant.  I just kept thinking about how I'd applied at all the retail places I could and how there were never office jobs anymore on CL and what was I going to do?  The anxiety made me feel physically sick and I really did almost cancel.  I almost cried on the way there because I was absolutely terrified, thinking that I really couldn't deal with another disappointment and hoping like hell I didn't totally blow it.  I remember sitting in the MHC waiting room feeling so anxious I was dizzy, and feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out or some horrible combo of both.

I'm so glad I didn't cancel.  I think deep, deep down I knew I was going to get this one from the very beginning--I just had a good feeling--but that morning was so stressful.  I remember I relaxed as soon as I saw the office manager who did my first interview, which I took as a good sign.

Anyway, back to the weird.  I tell myself that of course I'm going to feel a little weird for a while for a few reasons.

1) I haven't had a full time job since 2009.  Isn't that sad?  In Nov. 2009 I lost my job at the clinic and didn't work again until Hastings in September 2011.  And obviously that was part time so suddenly working 36 hours is an adjustment.

2) I have never had a Monday thru Friday job.  At the clinic I did 12 hour shifts and worked every other weekend, so the schedule was a little weird.  (But good).  So M thru F is a bit strange . . . but I like it!

3) I haven't had a job that required actual focus and concentration since 2009.  Because Hastings isn't really a hard place to work, and since I'd worked there before, I usually did my job on auto pilot; my mind was rarely engaged.  But working at MHC, I actually have to pay attention and remember things.  My brain is having a hard time waking up, if that makes sense.

4) Not to mention I spent about 2.5 years totally mentally checked out of life in general.  It's hard to be engaged in life again, y'know what I mean?  Not only in the actual work sense, but in other things, like relating to co-workers as well.  Just having a life feels strange.  Talking to people and interacting and all that . . . weird.  But definitely good.

5) It's weird to be one of the few single and childless people in the office.  Pretty much everyone is married and has kids, or is at least one of those two.  Kinda strange.

It's odd because I almost feel like I used to, before I got really sick.  Back when I was first at the clinic and loving life, when I was happy to have an office job and happy with how cool my co-workers were, when I had a car.  How I feel now is similar to how I felt then, like I feel flashes of the back then, but it's different now.  I realize that back then, even before I got sick, I was already sick, because I feel so much more normal and level headed than I did then.  And I just kind of wonder how things would have gone if I'd gotten help then.

And I feel like I almost don't know what to make of the time in between, if that makes sense.  The years of illness, meeting Corey, falling in love and getting engaged, moving back to Kingman, the ups and downs of initial treatment . . . it's really strange to think that I went through all of that and ended up almost right back where I started.  In Flagstaff, with Jerbs, working in a medical office, and . . . happy.  Honestly there are times when I wonder if Corey ever happened at all, when it doesn't even seem real.  The question of how I got from that life back to this one is a big one with a lot of answers . . .

But really that's for another post.

Good night.

Flagstaff Days 1 and 2

Well, I have survived my first two full days in Flagstaff, without Ex-Fiance.

Yesterday was really good.  I slept in and then went out via the bus.  I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle.  (I love Chipotle).  Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.

I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman.  I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down.  But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like.  I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic.  There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave.  And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here.  But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable.  I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be.  I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community.  I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential.  Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense.  Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential.  Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still.  While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.

There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance.  Or away from our relationship, maybe.  I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life.  I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized.  That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak.  And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out.  If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it.  Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.

It's also about context, though.  I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me.  I don't ever feel like I have to impress her.  With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect.  And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other.  And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually.  But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.

Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped.  I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke.  Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.

Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good.  Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around.  It was fun.  We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking).  And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.

So it's been better than expected so far.  There have been some frustrations.  One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with.  Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time.  So weird.  And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet.  In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week.  So that SUCKS.  I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money.  I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind.  I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.

Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know?  It depresses me a little.  It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance.  So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something.  Very strange.

Anyway.  That's all for now.

Just So Strange

I've been working on packing (I've packed a few boxes and am sort of trying to organize the rest of what I need to pack kinda thing) and it's just got me thinking.

Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment.  And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be.  What the hell do you say to someone in that situation?  I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles.  But still, it feels like it could be awkward.  At the very least it'll be weird.

Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out.  I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate.  And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him.  Y'know?  It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past.  How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?

I know this isn't that big of a deal.  If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head.  We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter.  I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.

The thing is, I'm excited for this.  I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey.  Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now.  I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship.  But more on that later.

For now, it's bed time!