Remember how I said a few posts back I was still working for MHC and loving it?
Yeah, that's no longer the case.
This story actually starts in 2019. I found out that one of our doctors was retiring, and that another was leaving at the end of the year. Didn't seem like a big deal. But then I found out another doctor was leaving, and then a month or so later, another one. It was super weird. And then we got a company wide email that mentioned something about "if patients want to follow Dr. A or Dr. B to the hospital blah blah blah." And that was super super weird because in 2016, the hospital had closed its outpatient cardiac clinic, partnered with MHC to take over that service line, and we'd taken on most of their doctors and patients. I mean, that's literally the whole reason I got to keep my job at MHC when I moved. That email also said that no one was being laid off, but that no one who quit was being replaced. So . . . bad signs all around. I started to worry a little about my job security.
But we still had a handful of doctors, plus our mids and techs, and I had faith.
And then, in November, the last doctor standing AND his mid decided to go to the hospital as well. This meant that, essentially, by March of 2020, we'd have only one cardiologist, a sleep doctor, and a handful of mids as far as providers go. At that point I alternated a lot between being absolutely convinced I'd be losing my job around my birthday, and being sure that since I was a very senior member of billing, plus a remote (and lower cost) employee, I'd be fine and manage to stay on through the craziness.
I was actually wrong on both counts! On December 30th (a Monday, my first day back after Christmas vacation), I got a call from my boss, letting me know that massive cuts were being made and I was being laid off. I was LITERALLY the first person to be let go. Which felt just great. The entire department except for the manager and the other coder got fired. So did most of auth., and I'm assuming a good chunk of records/front desk types. It was a terrible, terrible way to end the year. I can't really say it was out of nowhere, but based on when each provider was leaving and how much outstanding stuff they had out there, I really didn't think it would happen that fast. But it was . . . abrupt. I think it's because I wasn't in the office. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, or like . . . have any kind of option of coming back if I had to. It was pretty much you're fired, log off, and my access was terminated by the following morning. Just like that, after 7 years . . . over. It was surreal. I just felt very lost. Not just because I had to find another job after so long, but because I knew I was going to have to transition back into working outside of the house. That was daunting. (It worked out, though, and I got a new job pretty quick, and I like it, and Jerbs also got a new job in the process, but more on that later).
Really the big takeaway from the story is this: the hospital absolutely, 100% fucked MHC over. Apparently what the hospital meant when they said they wanted to contract with us for 10 years, what they actually meant was that they wanted to watch how MHC ran things for 3.5 years to learn how to do it correctly, then steal their doctors back, reopen their clinic, and tell MHC to fuck off. They had to pay a LOT of money to do it, between the penalties in our contract and buying out some of the doctors' contracts. It's fucking garbage. On top of that, MHC's medical director and founder (who literally started MHC because he saw how awful the hospital was with outpatient cardiology and was sick of it) opted to retire instead of going to work for the hospital. Really, that was the best option for him, but it sucks for the community to lose such a great cardiologist.
As of April 17th, MHC as a clinic closed and was bought by the hospital, so essentially they fucked us and then bought our building so that the can expand into it. The official story is that our medical director approached them about a sale because he was ready to retire . . . which is total bullshit.
As sad as I am about MHC closing and losing my job and everything, I'm more pissed about what the hospital did to us. It's just so epically shitty. And this was probably the hospital's end goal the whole effing time, and that's really infuriating too. It's sad because MHC's founder's goal was to eventually take over the outpatient line for the hospital, and it was such a huge deal that he finally accomplished it. And it ended in bullshit. (Although, interestingly, I heard through rumors as all this was going down, that over the years after MHC opened, it was the first CEO who was reluctant to make a deal with the hospital. The whole deal picked up steam after he left a few years back. So I kind of wonder if he had a feeling that something like this would happen. It doesn't really matter, but I am curious).
So that's that. I'm still sad. But like I said, I have a new job, in Olympia, and I really like it, and I'm making like $5/hour more than I was at MHC, and I think being out of the house is good for me right now. Well, not RIGHT now, because I'm currently working from home again because of the Covid19 pandemic. I'm extremely grateful for MHC because it really came along RIGHT when I needed it, and it led to so many good things. It increased my confidence, taught me a LOT of valuable skills, led to me getting a professional certification . . . all of those things were necessary to get the job I have now. Plus I wouldn't have Max if it wasn't for MHC, because I got him from a co-worker, and I love that little sausage dog more than I can say.
It really feels like the end of an era, the end of something really big and important and meaningful, and that sucks. But at the same time, I am SO happy for this next chapter, whatever it brings!
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
4.29.2020
12.31.2012
2012 in Review
Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it. Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad. But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
11.25.2012
New Phone + Jerbs Is A Genius
Let's start at the very beginning of this story.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
11.14.2012
Struggles and Stuff
I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed. For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know. This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap. I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell. I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed. I crashed hard. I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off. When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
I Finally Realized
This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance. And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope. I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon. That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did. And that feeling made me happy.
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
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