A (Sort Of) Triumphant Return(ish)

Well, long time no see Life and Times of Ica.

I remember when I was first blogging, I'd find other blogs that hadn't been updated in years, and the last entry would be just a normal one, and I'd wonder what happened that made the writer just stop.  And now . . . here I am 2+ years since I posted and the answer is that LIFE happens.  Honestly, it hasn't been anything crazy exciting, just life.  Some bad, some good, some amazing, some awful.  Way way way too much to put into just one blog post.  Probably way way way too much to blog about, period, but I think I'm going to try.  I actually do miss this little space, and I started it back when what I was documenting was 90% misery.  There are definitely some good times on here too, but I think there should be more of them now that I'm, y'know, happy. 

So briefly . . .

The good/amazing:
--we are still in WA and we still love it
--I'm still working for MHC and loving working from home; Jerbs works in medical billing too now and she loves her job
--we still have Max and Hollie and Irene and Ilya, and they're all healthy and happy
--we have a new cat named Nikolai, and 2 rats named Juniper and Delilah
--I joined a gym that I really really love
--I'm subbing in multiple handbell choirs
--I actually have a love life!  (or . . . really a sex life, I guess, and I love it)
--I think I've finally gotten to the very root of my mental health issues and I'm finally on a med regimen that is WORKING
--over the past couple of years Jerbs and I have seen Game Grumps Live, NSP live, the Mountain Goats, Alton Brown, Neil Gaiman, TSO, Maroon 5 . . . and we're seeing the Mountain Goats and Morrissey in September
--the Goldwomen bought a HOUSE  earlier this year! (I have yet to visit them and see it, but I'm going to someday!)
--the Flicks had another baby and she's AMAZING, and their first baby is now a toddler who is also AMAZING . . . I legit love those kids and their parents; they also bought a new house since I last blogged and it's super cute
--Jerbs' cousin had a baby and he's 2 now, and he's adorable, and hilariously fearless
--Austy is TEN and started 5th grade the other day, and I'm blown away both by the little person he's become and by how it seems like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby; he's smart and funny and an amazing baseball player and I just love him
-Austy is also a BIG BROTHER now!  my sister had a baby girl in January, her name is Logan, her birthday is close to mine and Jillian's, and she's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen
--related--my sister is married!  she met this awesome guy in 2017, they fell in love, got engaged at a Dbacks game, had a baby, and had a mini wedding in April . . . their real big wedding is next April (on their 1st anniversary) and I'm so excited!  I'm so genuinely, over the moon happy for my sister
--my new brother in law has 5 kids from a previous marriage, so I have 4 step nephews and a step niece . . . I've mt two of the nephews and they're awesome, and my step niece is just adorable and I love her

The bad/awful:
--I went through a pretty awful bout mental health wise for awhile
--Jerbs' mom passed away last year
--around the same time, a friend/sorority sister from college passed away while giving childbirth
--literally everything about the Trump administration . . . thank God next year is an election year, hopefully it'll be the end of this utter bullshit nightmare

I think that's about it.  Life is pretty good at the moment, minus constantly missing Jane.  Hopefully sometime soon I can write more in detail.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this lovely picture of our neck of the woods--Capitol Lake and the capitol building in Oly.

Salt Lake City Trip # 1: Bridal Shower

This past weekend (3 day Labor Day weekend woohoo!) I made the trip to SLC for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower.  I went by myself, and holy hell, that drive is ridiculous.  By the time I got home I was pretty much dead on my feet.  It didn't help that I didn't sleep well at all last week, that I had to go to urgent care Friday morning, aka the morning I left (long story), that I had to stay later than anticipated at work the day I left, and that I had to make a stop at job # 2 before I left.  Plus I had to pick up my rental car so . . . yeah, it was kind of a stressful send off.  It was definitely one of those things where I felt rushed and unprepared even though I'd known I was making this trip for a long time, and I found myself really frustrated with that.  Honestly, I need to get over this whole procrastination thing . . . but that's neither here nor there.

I finally got on the road to SLC around 3 PM, and I just drove and drove and drove.  For the trip up I went through Page on the 89, and once I actually got into Utah I had some issues.  Apparently the bottom part of Utah is just all these small towns along the 89, and the 89 just curves and curves and curves through all of them.  By the time I hit this part of the trip it was dark, and curvy roads that I'm not familiar with in complete darkness=basically when I'm at my worst driving.  I kept having to slow down and it just sucked.  Twice I thought I had missed something in my directions and had to turn around and retrace my steps.  Finally I made it to the point where I moved from the 89 to the 15 North, and that helped a lot.  The 15 is a highway highway, and the speed limit is 80, and it's well lit and smooth, so that part was a lot easier.  I definitely had a moment when I saw the first sign that had the distance to SLC on it where I was just so disappointed, because I saw the sign and was just like, "How the hell am I still so far away when I've been driving so long??"  But really, at that point all you can do is drive, so I did.  I got checked into my hotel around 1:30 in the morning.  I pretty much got to my room, took off my clothes, and fell into bed.

Saturday was the day of the shower and, not surprisingly, I spent a good chunk of it getting lost trying to find Theresa's apartment, because addresses in Utah can sometimes be said backwards, if that makes sense.  I got confused but eventually figured it out, and I rode with them to the shower.  (I made them late and felt terrible, incidentally).  The shower was outside, and it was beautiful but insanely windy, so there were a lot of pauses where we just had to hold things down, but it was a lot of fun.  Jenna's sisters did a great job of hosting.  I also met a few new people who live in SLC, so that was exciting.  It was a great group, and I'm looking forward to seeing them all again at the wedding.  (In less than a month, eek!!)

After the shower Theresa and I (and their roommate, Zach) went back to their place, where Theresa and I watched football and talked about wedding details.  Later, the two of us and the Goldmans went to the Girl Scout camp that Jenna ran over the summer, which was awesome!  It's a really beautiful camp and I loved getting to see it.  We saw deer at the camp, and moose on the drive up and down (one each way!) so that was really cool.  The camp is near Provo, so it was quite a drive, but the Goldmans are awesome company.  After Trefoil we had dinner at Red Iguana, a Mexican place, which pretty much made my day because I actually found out about Red Iguana a few weeks ago and had been planning to eat there during the wedding trip, so when that was already the plan, I was thrilled.  And the food did not disappoint, some pretty solid amazingness right there.  (I'm already craving it and can't wait to go back).  It was a long and exhausting day but so much fun.

On Sunday we all had breakfast at Theresa's, she made some delicious stuffed french toast.  Then we went to David's Bridal and picked out new bridesmaid shoes, and then we visited the venue where the wedding and reception will be taking place.  The place is absolutely incredible, like mind blowingly beautiful, and completely perfect for Jenna and Theresa's wedding.  It just fits them, and seeing the venue just made me even more excited for the wedding.

I left SLC a solid 3 hours later than intended, but it was worth it to see the venue.  I took a different route home so I could go through Las Vegas (this route was completely the 15, and it's the route Jerbs and I will take when we drive to SLC for the wedding) and pick up my bridesmaid's dress from Kelly, another bridesmaid who lives there.  I spent some time just chatting with her, so that was nice.  Once I had my dress I got on my way, only to get pulled over for speeding right outside Boulder City.  I thought the speed limit was 65 so I was going 75 (I know, I was speeding, but I thought by only 10 mph), and it turns out the speed limit where I was is actually 45.  So yeah, good job Ica.  Really everything about this situation was not in my favor, because I was speeding near Vegas at 2 AM in a car with California plates so . . . yeah.  The cop asked me if I'd been arrested before, which freaked me the fuck out.  I mean, why ask that unless you're planning on arresting someone?  I was terrified I was going to end up in jail in Boulder City in the middle of the night . . . but thankfully, he just gave me a speeding ticket.  Which yes, sucks, but I didn't even care, I was just thankful I didn't get arrested.

Then I had to turn around just outside of Kingman for gas, because I'd thought I had enough gas for the trip and about 20 miles out my fancy rental car told me it could only go another 45 miles with what was in the tank.  I knew I couldn't make it to Seligman on that so my only choice was to turn around (in one of the little cop parking places that you are definitely not supposed to turn around in, so yay).  I was so upset.  I got gas and finally finally finally got on the road.  At this point I was so tired I don't even know how I made it home.  I was also really really angry so I was pretty much hating life during that drive.  I finally got home at like 3 in the morning and just crashed, and felt much better after I got some sleep.

This morning I tried on my dress, and I am thrilled because it fits perfectly and I actually kind of like how I look in it.  Having my dress here kind of makes it sink in a little more that the wedding is coming up, and fast!  I can't wait!

Happy Day//Making History

Today I woke up to the AMAZING news that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage.  Best start to a day I've had in a long, long, long time.

I'm so unbelievably happy about this.

I feel like I'm part of a generation that was coming of age right as the fight for gay rights was becoming a major issue.  I remember being 17 and a junior in high school and writing my argumentative essay for AP English about why gay marriage should be legal.  At the time I was just starting to question my own sexual orientation and it mattered to me.  I was also pretty sheltered at the time, and since I was raised by fairly liberal parents, I had no idea how much backlash I was going to get for it.  (Seriously, my peer review group for that essay was one of the worst experiences of my life).  Then I went to college, met a bunch of people who were like me (both as far as supporting gay rights and as far as not being heterosexual), and contributed to that fight however I could.  So really, even though I've mostly been on the sidelines and have given support from a distance, I feel like the fight for gay rights has always been a part of my life.  And I've seen a lot of victories and a lot of steps in the right direction, but nothing has felt as good or as significant as this.

I'm happy for all of my friends who can get married legally even if they live in a state that wouldn't typically honor anything but straight marriage.  I'm happy for my friends who are already married and now don't have to worry about their marriage being legal if they move to a different state.  I'm happy we finally have a government that's willing to take a stand for equal rights and apply the law and the constitution fairly and not try to make religious leanings into law.  I'm happy that as a girl who identifies as bisexual, the legality of my (hopefully someday) marriage won't changed based on whether I end up with a man or a woman.

Definitely a day for celebrating.  Thank you, Supreme Court!

The Appointment

I am really happy to say that my appointment with my new doctor went really, really well.  Better than I was even hoping, which is always a pleasant surprise.

The doctor herself is just great.  We clicked, and I feel like that's really important in psychiatric care.  I clicked with Dr. Wright, but not with Dr. F, and I'm relieved that Dr. C and I connected.  She was very patient, and thorough, and asked questions that really . . . helped highlight the key points of my whole long history with this BS.  Not all doctors know how to do that.  Her practice is really tiny, which I like, because I feel like with fewer patients she can be more invested in each patient.  Her office is in this beautiful old house downtown, with narrow doorways, creaky hardwood floors, and the most amazing built in bookcase I've ever seen.  (I know that the aesthetics of the office really aren't important treatment wise, but I felt like it was worth mentioning).  She only has one employee, who does the billing/scheduling/reception type stuff, and she's also super nice.  It's just a very calm space overall.  It's also a pretty old fashioned kind of practice: they're all paper records, they don't do electronic billing, and I left with an actual handwritten prescription.

Which brings me to my next point: I walked out of the appointment with a prescription for Lithium!  I really wasn't expecting that at all--I was expecting to leave with an order for blood work and get a prescription at my follow up next week.  But Dr. C said that since I've already been on this medication and all that, she was comfortable with starting me on it, then getting blood work once I'm almost at my old dose.  Which meant that my follow up appointment got pushed back to mid October, which means I have some time to figure out the financing stuff.

So all in all, it was just great.  Great doctor, great staff, great office, a prescription, not having to pay for another appointment for 3 weeks . . . awesome.  Like I said, better than I was even expecting.  It was as pleasant an experience as it could be for being an overall unpleasant thing, but I think I'll elaborate on that later.

Right now, I'm just glad it went so well, glad it's over, and glad to have my medication.

So Far, So Good

I know we're only 8 days in but so far, 2014 is going pretty well for me.

Minus the fact that I had to call in sick on 01.02.14, aka the very first work day of the entire year.  I was not pleased.  Fortunately I have an understanding boss but it sucked.

And also minus the fact that I'm currently without a debit card.  That one's kind of a long story.

But aside from that.

Physical Health: I am actually kind of killing it in this area right now.  I'm doing awesome food wise, and I've been consistently at or under my calorie goal almost every day since the first.  And I've only eaten fast food 3 times so far this year!  I know that 5/8 days without fast food isn't terribly impressive but for me it's pretty big.  And like I said, I know we're only 8 days into the year, but I really feel like I can finally do this.  I haven't found the motivation to go to the gym yet this year, though.  It's not that I don't want to work out, because I do, it's that I just literally don't want to go to the gym.  I just don't want to be there.  I don't know why, because I like my gym.  But I am hoping to start doing weekly yoga next week, so we'll see how that goes.

I did work out tonight, though.  A few nights ago Jerbs showed me how I can plug the laptop into the TV, so tonight I did that and found a cardio video on YouTube and just did that.  I felt like an idiot, because I've never been a huge fan of at home workout videos, but it got my heart rate up and that's what's important, right?  It involved a lot of jumping jacks and my legs are not happy with me . . . blech.  But I'm taking it slow and I feel like, in a month, I'll be able to do the whole video.  Little steps.

Mental Health: Is good!  I'm still working on finding a new doctor, and I actually really need to get on it, it's just difficult.  Plus there really aren't many psychiatrists in town who aren't either at the hospital (and don't see private patients), The Guidance Center (which only sees AHCCCS patients), or my old doctor's office.  I did not realize that until I started googling.  So it's going to be a process.  But I've got plenty of medicine and my mood's fine so I'm really not all that worried.

Work: Is awesome.  I'm almost to my one year anniversary and I've started to feel very confident and competent.  I love it.  I honestly feel like I get a little better everyday.  Things are in the process of getting very shaken up but I think we'll all be fine.  (And yes, that was deliberately vague).

So life is just good right now.  I'm happy, I feel healthy, new episodes of Sherlock finally started airing . . . really I can't complain!

I do have more serious things to write about (just kind of need to sort them out kinda stuff) but that's for later.  For the moment I just wanted to share that things are awesome!

Lately

Like I said I haven't been much in a blogging mood lately but here's a general update.

Good Stuff:
--The car.  I love it.  It's awesome.  I need to post the whole story of how I ended up with it and some pictures soon.  It still doesn't have a name, though.
--I got insurance through work.  It's not super great insurance and has a high deductible but still, it's something.  And the thing about a deductible is that you get charged the insurance's allowed rates instead of the cash pay rate, so paying in full for my psych appointment last week meant paying half of what I usually pay.  So I'm not complaining.  (Although my name was misspelled on my insurance card, jerks).
--Physically I've been feeling a little better lately.  Still some days of low energy but overall better than before.
--Work is still going well.  I have my first evaluation tomorrow (my 90 day a little late) and that's nerve wracking but it also potentially means a raise, which would be nice.  Hopefully it goes well.
--Nice weather lately.  Not too warm but not cold (although my office is always freezing at work) and a nice breeze most of the time, plus some days of cloud cover.
--Max is doing really well.  He's gained a whole pound since we got him and he's almost 100% potty trained.  He's also just super cute and he gets protective of Benji.  It's adorable.
--I wrote an organizational plan for the apartment.  The lease is up at the end of July and I suggested we move to a 2 bedroom but Jerbs nixed that idea.  I told her that if we couldn't move, I wanted to do some deep cleaning/organizing here just to make it a little less cluttered and stuff.  I'm looking forward to doing that, even if Jerbs isn't.

Not Good Stuff
--I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks now.  I don't know why but I just . . . don't feel like it.  I can't even explain it, really, but it's frustrating.  I know the trick is to suck it up and just GO but for some reason I can't seem to do that.  I need to get back on track.  I'm hoping that having a car will help with that (ie knowing I'm not going to have to walk two miles in the process of getting home might make the idea of spending a half hour on the treadmill at lunch a little more appealing).  Plus with a car I can go to the gym on weekends, something I couldn't do before.
--Saturday it will have been one year to the day since Corey told me he didn't want to marry me, and I won't lie, I'm kind of a mess about that, for so many reasons.  I'm terrified of it, really, because this is the anniversary I've been dreading.  I honestly never believed we'd get to this point, yet here we are, and it's going to come and go and there's nothing I can do about it.  And Jerbs is out of town this weekend (doing PCC with the Flicks) so I'm all by myself and that doesn't really help.
--My boss announced that she'll more than likely be leaving in July and that's depressing, because I really like her.
--In general I have just felt kind of blah lately.  Like . . . I don't know.  Just really unmotivated, gym and otherwise.  I think I'm having trouble engaging right now, if that makes sense (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't but still).  I guess life right now feels really transitional; a lot of changes have happened since the beginning of the year and I feel like, in a way, I'm struggling to catch up.  Like the changes are happening faster than my mind can process them.  And even though they're good changes (for the most part), they're still scary.  And I definitely have a tendency to detach a little when I'm uncomfortable with changes.  But I'm working on it and I'm not worried.

That's about all I can think of for now.

Thanksgiving With Jerbs

Today I spent Thanksgiving with Jerbs.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky.  Really just perfect weather.

We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway.  We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open.  We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade.  We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.

All in all not a bad day.

I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs.  Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.

I thought I'd be a mess today.  I really did.  I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know.  And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.

I'm amazed.  Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.

I really.am.getting.better.  I am so thankful for that.  I'll probably write more about it later.

For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday + Thursday

Yesterday was another good day at work.  Seriously, two in a row?  What are the odds?

I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised.

So yesterday, at work, I was scheduled 9:00 AM--12:15 PM.  I was really looking forward to the short day, and I was definitely going to come home and take a nap afterwards.  But the girl who was supposed to come in from noon to 5:00 called in with a migraine and without even thinking about it, I agreed to stay late.  And I did end up there until about 5:00, and we had a great day.  It was just myself and one of the TL's up front and we goofed around the whole day.  It flew by and by the time it was 5:00, even though I'd been there for 8 hours, I definitely didn't feel like it.

Here's why this is significant: Normally, I do not work extra hours.  I very rarely agree to cover shifts for people (seriously, I only do it if the co-worker asking is someone I really like).  I am especially disagreeable if I end up having to work extra hours when I'm not expecting it and my plans change because of it.  I just absolutely hate being asked to work when I'm not supposed to.  But yesterday I felt none of that.  I was glad to stay and help (seriously, I was) and I had a good time being there.  And I think that's, at least in part, a result of me getting better mental health wise, and it's good to know that getting better is having a positive effect on my life.  Because yesterday, I helped out my co-workers, I got an extra 4 hours of pay, and I got to meet up with Jerbs for dinner since she was getting off at four.  And it's nice to have a big reminder that the medication is helping and all that . . . it makes me feel a little better about the expensive doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  Plus after dinner we went to JoAnn's, where all the Halloween stuff was 60% off . . . Jerbs bought me 5 pairs of Halloween socks!!

Then today was pay day, and my check was bigger than I expected--which is always awesome!  Plus I was off, and so was Jerbs, so we went out and hit PetSmart, Sally's, JoAnn's, Burrito Fiesta, Hastings, and Target.  We bought nail polish at Sally's (go figure, right?) and then played with kitties at PetSmart.  Then we went across the street to JoAnns, because we didn't buy enough Halloween stuff yesterday; Jerbs got black feather wings and I got 6 more pairs of socks.  (Yes, I have a sock problem, and I love it!).  After JoAnn's we had dinner at Burritos Fiesta, this amazing Mexican fast food type place (incidentally, also where we ate last night).  It is so.effing.good.  And cheap, too, which is always nice.  We popped into Hastings and bought a few things (Jerbs likes to take advantage of my employee discount when she can), then went to Target, where we mostly looked at clothes.

And now we're home, relaxing and stuff.  All in all, a great day.

I work tomorrow so hopefully it goes as well as my past two shifts have!

Beautiful Words From A Stranger

I'm a huge blog stalker, which I've mentioned on here before.  I love reading other peoples' blogs and finding out about their lives . . . it just fascinates me.

So a few nights ago I discovered hisgiantmistake.com.  It's the blog of a woman named Cleo, who discovered her husband was having an affair, and the journey that discovery has taken her on thus far.  She writes beautifully and she talks a lot about finding herself, loving herself, and paying attention to the signs that are all around us in our lives.  It's really just a beautiful blog, full of hope and optimism.

I found myself really moved by it, because I'm most definitely on a self-discovery-figure-out-my-life kind of journey right now.  Cleo talks a lot about signs and in a way I think I was supposed to find her blog at this point in my life.  So much of what she said was just comforting and uplifting to me and I'm grateful for her words.

So grateful that I emailed Cleo, and told her how much I enjoyed her blog and how inspired I was by her.  I mentioned that I thought I was supposed to find her blog and I told her how I came to be on my own journey--about being dumped before my wedding and all that.

And to my surprise, she wrote back!  And it was one of the best emails I've ever gotten.  She thanked me for reading and writing, and told me that I dodged a bullet.  It was just all so sweet and encouraging, and then this:

"This experience is going to create such a rich layer of beauty inside of you.  I just know it."

Isn't that lovely?  I think it's probably the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me since the break up, and I am holding onto those words.

I just love it.  It's fantastic that people can connect to each other via blogs.  Seriously, I love it.

And if you have a chance, check out Cleo's blog.  It's awesome.

Courage/An Anniversary

Today it's been 10 years since I got my tattoo.  It's still the only tattoo I have--a small, black Kanji symbol on my lower back that means courage.  I got it when I was 17; my mom had to go to the tattoo parlor with me and sign a permission slip so I could get it.  It cost me $30, which included the tip.

I'd wanted a tattoo for a while when I got it.  My parents had always taken the stance that they'd let me get one if I paid for it myself and it wasn't anything bad (like a swastika or something, y'know) or huge.  I liked the idea of a Kanji tattoo but could never decide what I wanted.  So I kind of gave up the idea.  Then I watched this episode of the X Files that revolves around tattoos, and at one point, one of the characters (I think it was Scully) said that tattoos should reflect on the skin what lies within the soul (or something along those lines, I'm paraphrasing a little).  And it was kind of that idea that made me decide to get a tattoo.

Initially I wanted the symbol for strength.  But the symbol for courage was a bit more complex and a little prettier, so I chose that.  And yes, my tattoo really does mean courage--it was verified by Jenny's dad, who spent like a zillion years in Japan when he was in the Navy.

The thing is, I haven't had a lot of courage the past few years.  I've been kind of a pussy in a lot of ways and I need to get over it.  So today, since it's been ten years since I made courage a permanent part of my body, I'm reminding myself that I need to be brave.  I need to decide what I want and go for it and live my life courageously.

A Decent Day

So . . . today:

--I had a job interview!  It's for an office assistant position with a company that provides services to and runs group homes for developmentally disabled adults.  It was totally not what I was expecting--I expected to go into a very organized kinda upscale well put together feeling professional office, but it's much more laid back.  Like the dress code is jeans and tshirts kinda laid back.  Which is cool but it threw me a little.  And the job doesn't pay as much as I'd thought/hoped (my hourly wage there would be the same as at Hastings) but it's full time.  Like actually full time, 40 hours a week, so it's at least a little better.  Today's interview was only like 10 minutes long--basically the guy just went over the job details with me and asked if I had administrative experience (I was like, did you look at my resume at all? but whatev).  This particular company puts a lot of emphasis on references so that's the next step; they'll check my references and if after that they still like me or whatever, I'll have a second interview with the guy who did my interview's boss.  I should hear from them pretty quickly so . . . here's hoping, right?

--I bought a UV lamp and UV activated top coat for my nails.  I've wanted one for awhile now and they had a deal going at Sally's where if you bought the lamp (for $25) you got the top coat for free (normally $9).  And it was payday so I thought what the hell?  Because Jerbs and I have a nail polish addiction and between the two of us we have over 100 colors easily.  So my toenails always look awesome, but I'm too impatient to sit still and let nail polish dry on my fingers, and I compulsively pick at it when it's almost dry . . . so yeah.  I've tried fast drying polish, fast drying topcoats, doing one nail at a time . . . blah blah blah.  Nothing works, and I hate having all this polish that I don't get to use--especially since winter's coming and I won't be wearing flip flops anymore.  But with the UV lamp and topcoat the polish dries and hardens in like 5 minutes and it's awesome.  So I'm STOKED about that.

--It's getting cold here!  I walked to the gas station earlier and I could see my breath.  IT'S NOT EVEN SEPTEMBER YET.  I love it but wow.

--Jerbs and I have sort of adopted a cute little stray kitty.  We call him Little Boy Cat and we leave food and water for him on our porch.

That's about it.  I did have a few moments today where I just felt sad and missed Corey but that's all for another post.

Two Weeks

So it's now been two weeks since I've been in Flagstaff.

To be completely honest, I'm amazed at how well I'm doing.  I really did think I'd get up here and it would be break down after break down after break down . . . I thought it would be a total regression back to where I was before I'd even started treatment and all that.  But here I am, doing mostly fine.

I'm still sad.  My heart is still broken over what happened with Ex-Fiance and me.  I've had a few anxiety attacks over it since I've been here, and there have been a few nights that I've cried myself to sleep.  But for the most part I've been good.

I still miss Ex-Fiance.  He's on my mind every day and I still hope that we end up together, I really do.  But at the same time, I'm starting to feel glad to have this time for myself.  I've been mood charting and taking my medicine and thinking a lot about my life.  Some of it's scary but . . . it's nice at the same time.  Ultimately I think this is doing us both some good, and I am trying just to be patient.  To give us as long as we need.

Some things suck about being here.  I hate taking the bus with a passion!  I don't mind the actual walking or bus taking part, it's the amount of time it takes.  For example, tomorrow I have to go to the store for a few things and I know I'm not going to get anything else done.  Suuuuuuuuuucks.  

Also shitty is that Hastings STILL hasn't called me about my transfer.  I have to call them tomorrow and hopefully I still have a job.  This is starting to worry me.  But in the meantime I've applied for a few full time jobs at other places and hopefully I'll get one of them.  Because really, even if I'm still employed at Hastings, I need to look for something else anyway, because I NEED full time.  Or at least closer to full time than 15 hours a week.

But there are good things.  I woke up to a raging thunderstorm this morning and that was pretty excellent.  (The only thing that would have made it better was a cuddle buddy!)  The summer weather here is awesome.  And I feel like I can write here, so I've been working on that.  I think I've said it before, that even though I don't want to be in Flagstaff forever, I want to be somewhere similar.  And more than anything I want to be happy with Ex-Fiance in a place like this.  But that's probably for another post.

One big thing that's happened to me since I've been here is that I have . . . I don't know quite how to say it.  But basically I have found my faith.  I have found God.  I'll probably elaborate on it at some point in the future but for now I'll just say that I definitely am putting my faith in a higher power.  And it feels amazing.

Anyway.  I still need to work on my physical and mental health goals more.  Physical health, I need to get back into working out somehow, and I need to eat better (there were just so many restaurants I missed!)  Mental health I've been doing well with, I just need to get my labs done.  That's going to be a bit of a challenge.  Actually it'll probably be pretty easy I just HATE making phone calls and getting that set up will require several so.  Yeah.  And I need to find a counselor but that has to wait until I figure out my employment situation.

I did get to see Ex-Fiance today, when he was on his way back to Kingman from Chinle.  It was nice but it was also . . . I don't know.  Weird, I guess.  I'll elaborate on that more later.

For now, good night!  I think it's going to rain through the night which means good sleep for me!!