Remember how I said a few posts back I was still working for MHC and loving it?
Yeah, that's no longer the case.
This story actually starts in 2019. I found out that one of our doctors was retiring, and that another was leaving at the end of the year. Didn't seem like a big deal. But then I found out another doctor was leaving, and then a month or so later, another one. It was super weird. And then we got a company wide email that mentioned something about "if patients want to follow Dr. A or Dr. B to the hospital blah blah blah." And that was super super weird because in 2016, the hospital had closed its outpatient cardiac clinic, partnered with MHC to take over that service line, and we'd taken on most of their doctors and patients. I mean, that's literally the whole reason I got to keep my job at MHC when I moved. That email also said that no one was being laid off, but that no one who quit was being replaced. So . . . bad signs all around. I started to worry a little about my job security.
But we still had a handful of doctors, plus our mids and techs, and I had faith.
And then, in November, the last doctor standing AND his mid decided to go to the hospital as well. This meant that, essentially, by March of 2020, we'd have only one cardiologist, a sleep doctor, and a handful of mids as far as providers go. At that point I alternated a lot between being absolutely convinced I'd be losing my job around my birthday, and being sure that since I was a very senior member of billing, plus a remote (and lower cost) employee, I'd be fine and manage to stay on through the craziness.
I was actually wrong on both counts! On December 30th (a Monday, my first day back after Christmas vacation), I got a call from my boss, letting me know that massive cuts were being made and I was being laid off. I was LITERALLY the first person to be let go. Which felt just great. The entire department except for the manager and the other coder got fired. So did most of auth., and I'm assuming a good chunk of records/front desk types. It was a terrible, terrible way to end the year. I can't really say it was out of nowhere, but based on when each provider was leaving and how much outstanding stuff they had out there, I really didn't think it would happen that fast. But it was . . . abrupt. I think it's because I wasn't in the office. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, or like . . . have any kind of option of coming back if I had to. It was pretty much you're fired, log off, and my access was terminated by the following morning. Just like that, after 7 years . . . over. It was surreal. I just felt very lost. Not just because I had to find another job after so long, but because I knew I was going to have to transition back into working outside of the house. That was daunting. (It worked out, though, and I got a new job pretty quick, and I like it, and Jerbs also got a new job in the process, but more on that later).
Really the big takeaway from the story is this: the hospital absolutely, 100% fucked MHC over. Apparently what the hospital meant when they said they wanted to contract with us for 10 years, what they actually meant was that they wanted to watch how MHC ran things for 3.5 years to learn how to do it correctly, then steal their doctors back, reopen their clinic, and tell MHC to fuck off. They had to pay a LOT of money to do it, between the penalties in our contract and buying out some of the doctors' contracts. It's fucking garbage. On top of that, MHC's medical director and founder (who literally started MHC because he saw how awful the hospital was with outpatient cardiology and was sick of it) opted to retire instead of going to work for the hospital. Really, that was the best option for him, but it sucks for the community to lose such a great cardiologist.
As of April 17th, MHC as a clinic closed and was bought by the hospital, so essentially they fucked us and then bought our building so that the can expand into it. The official story is that our medical director approached them about a sale because he was ready to retire . . . which is total bullshit.
As sad as I am about MHC closing and losing my job and everything, I'm more pissed about what the hospital did to us. It's just so epically shitty. And this was probably the hospital's end goal the whole effing time, and that's really infuriating too. It's sad because MHC's founder's goal was to eventually take over the outpatient line for the hospital, and it was such a huge deal that he finally accomplished it. And it ended in bullshit. (Although, interestingly, I heard through rumors as all this was going down, that over the years after MHC opened, it was the first CEO who was reluctant to make a deal with the hospital. The whole deal picked up steam after he left a few years back. So I kind of wonder if he had a feeling that something like this would happen. It doesn't really matter, but I am curious).
So that's that. I'm still sad. But like I said, I have a new job, in Olympia, and I really like it, and I'm making like $5/hour more than I was at MHC, and I think being out of the house is good for me right now. Well, not RIGHT now, because I'm currently working from home again because of the Covid19 pandemic. I'm extremely grateful for MHC because it really came along RIGHT when I needed it, and it led to so many good things. It increased my confidence, taught me a LOT of valuable skills, led to me getting a professional certification . . . all of those things were necessary to get the job I have now. Plus I wouldn't have Max if it wasn't for MHC, because I got him from a co-worker, and I love that little sausage dog more than I can say.
It really feels like the end of an era, the end of something really big and important and meaningful, and that sucks. But at the same time, I am SO happy for this next chapter, whatever it brings!
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
4.29.2020
5.18.2016
Viva Alpha Chi
This all actually happened before Alton but I haven't wanted to write about it until now.
Back on like May 6th, Theresa texted me and asked me to call her when I had a chance and was, and I quote, "ready to be new shades of angry." This completely freaked me out because Theresa and I don't really talk on the phone, we text, so I knew it had to be bad. I also had a feeling it was about our sorority, and sure enough, she had wanted to tell me that our charter had officially been pulled by the director of bands at NAU.
Honestly, this is something that's probably been a long time coming, but it still sucks and is completely unfair, and it was still unexpected. Basically Dr. Schmidt, NAU's director of bands, is a gigantic tool, and he always has been. He was D.o.B. when I was at NAU, and I never liked him. He just always gave off a douchey vive, and he's a total misogynist. When I started at NAU, the associate D.o.B. was this amazing woman (Ms. Jones) who made band a blast and really made us into a great group, and she left after 3 years because she couldn't stand working with Schmidt. She flat out said he had always made it obvious that he hated having a woman working under him, and she had enough. That was why I left marching band, actually. He was (and probably still is) a huge alcoholic and kind of known for showing up to events and rehearsals drunk.
So of course someone like that isn't going to be a big fan of an organization that promotes, supports, and celebrates women in music. He was always demeaning when I was active, always acting like TBS didn't matter and wasn't important; I remember once he suggested us having a sleepover and giving each other mani/pedis as a service project, because why would women be good for anything else, right? He's been trying for years and years to pull the charter, there were rumors about it when I was active and there have been rumors about it since I left. And with no warning, with no catalyst or significant fuck up to warrant it, he finally got his way, and the Alpha Chi chapter officially no longer exists.
The Tuesday after it happened the chapter held an outgoing sister ceremony at Marshall Lake; Theresa came into town for it, and even though it was a sad occasion, I was thrilled to get to see my BFF. A couple other alumni were up from Phoenix (including one I hadn't seen since a very awkward encounter back in 2010 when I was dating Corey), so that was . . . nice. (This isn't really related to the chapter thing, but it was nice to make peace with this little bit of my past. This girl was the last person from the Corey era drama stuff that needed to happen with and I'm glad to have done it before I move away). Anyway, the outgoing sisterhood ceremony was really beautiful, and it was so nice to meet the active chapter. I was so impressed with all of them, and I found myself wishing I'd been a more involved alumni when I'd had the chance . . . but nothing I can do about that now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. It was sad and moving but it felt so good to be out in the woods around a campfire with my sisters, singing our hymn and sharing stories about sisterhood. It had been so long since I'd experienced that, and I am very, very grateful that I got to do it again before I leave. It feels fitting that it happened as my time in Flagstaff is coming to a close. I'm sad for the girls who loved TBS and didn't get to experience it for very long, though; but I'm also proud at how few of them are going to KKPsi. (Side story: we were out at the lake until freaking midnight. I went to bed at like 1 AM and actually made it to work the next day, I was so proud of myself! I haven't pulled that kind of shit in a loooong time!).
Some of the alumni and actives are still fighting the chapter closing, there's been a petition going around online and I know a few of them have coordinated letter writing to Schmidt. At this point I'm not getting involved any further because, as upsetting as the whole thing is, I have so much bigger and more important things going on in my life than my old sorority. And maybe that makes me sound like a terrible person but I honestly don't feel all that bad. In a weird way it feels good to be so far removed from it, to feel how far my life has come from when I was active and to have made amends with TBS.
Back on like May 6th, Theresa texted me and asked me to call her when I had a chance and was, and I quote, "ready to be new shades of angry." This completely freaked me out because Theresa and I don't really talk on the phone, we text, so I knew it had to be bad. I also had a feeling it was about our sorority, and sure enough, she had wanted to tell me that our charter had officially been pulled by the director of bands at NAU.
Honestly, this is something that's probably been a long time coming, but it still sucks and is completely unfair, and it was still unexpected. Basically Dr. Schmidt, NAU's director of bands, is a gigantic tool, and he always has been. He was D.o.B. when I was at NAU, and I never liked him. He just always gave off a douchey vive, and he's a total misogynist. When I started at NAU, the associate D.o.B. was this amazing woman (Ms. Jones) who made band a blast and really made us into a great group, and she left after 3 years because she couldn't stand working with Schmidt. She flat out said he had always made it obvious that he hated having a woman working under him, and she had enough. That was why I left marching band, actually. He was (and probably still is) a huge alcoholic and kind of known for showing up to events and rehearsals drunk.
So of course someone like that isn't going to be a big fan of an organization that promotes, supports, and celebrates women in music. He was always demeaning when I was active, always acting like TBS didn't matter and wasn't important; I remember once he suggested us having a sleepover and giving each other mani/pedis as a service project, because why would women be good for anything else, right? He's been trying for years and years to pull the charter, there were rumors about it when I was active and there have been rumors about it since I left. And with no warning, with no catalyst or significant fuck up to warrant it, he finally got his way, and the Alpha Chi chapter officially no longer exists.
The Tuesday after it happened the chapter held an outgoing sister ceremony at Marshall Lake; Theresa came into town for it, and even though it was a sad occasion, I was thrilled to get to see my BFF. A couple other alumni were up from Phoenix (including one I hadn't seen since a very awkward encounter back in 2010 when I was dating Corey), so that was . . . nice. (This isn't really related to the chapter thing, but it was nice to make peace with this little bit of my past. This girl was the last person from the Corey era drama stuff that needed to happen with and I'm glad to have done it before I move away). Anyway, the outgoing sisterhood ceremony was really beautiful, and it was so nice to meet the active chapter. I was so impressed with all of them, and I found myself wishing I'd been a more involved alumni when I'd had the chance . . . but nothing I can do about that now, so I'm not going to dwell on it. It was sad and moving but it felt so good to be out in the woods around a campfire with my sisters, singing our hymn and sharing stories about sisterhood. It had been so long since I'd experienced that, and I am very, very grateful that I got to do it again before I leave. It feels fitting that it happened as my time in Flagstaff is coming to a close. I'm sad for the girls who loved TBS and didn't get to experience it for very long, though; but I'm also proud at how few of them are going to KKPsi. (Side story: we were out at the lake until freaking midnight. I went to bed at like 1 AM and actually made it to work the next day, I was so proud of myself! I haven't pulled that kind of shit in a loooong time!).
Some of the alumni and actives are still fighting the chapter closing, there's been a petition going around online and I know a few of them have coordinated letter writing to Schmidt. At this point I'm not getting involved any further because, as upsetting as the whole thing is, I have so much bigger and more important things going on in my life than my old sorority. And maybe that makes me sound like a terrible person but I honestly don't feel all that bad. In a weird way it feels good to be so far removed from it, to feel how far my life has come from when I was active and to have made amends with TBS.
8.11.2013
Sad News From Back Home
In the past week, 2 people I went to high school with have died.
One, who graduated with me and who I didn't know very well personally, was in a car accident. She had 3 kids and died the week before our ten year reunion.
The other, who graduated a year behind me, I was fairly close to my last year of high school when I TA'd for the junior A.P. English class he was in, the same class I'd taken the year before. We didn't keep in touch much after graduation but I know he was a bright, wonderful person. He took his own life Saturday night.
I hate hearing about people my age dying. I hate it. Even if it's someone I didn't really know or someone I lost touch with a long time ago, I hate it.
Suicides especially get to me. I think because of my own past with suicidal ideation, because of how much I wanted to do it . . . it just shakes me. Both in that I hate thinking of people I know going through that sort of mental anguish and giving in to those dark thoughts and in that it's a very chilling reminder that it very easily could have been me.
All I want right now is someone to hold me. Isn't that stupid? But true anyway.
One, who graduated with me and who I didn't know very well personally, was in a car accident. She had 3 kids and died the week before our ten year reunion.
The other, who graduated a year behind me, I was fairly close to my last year of high school when I TA'd for the junior A.P. English class he was in, the same class I'd taken the year before. We didn't keep in touch much after graduation but I know he was a bright, wonderful person. He took his own life Saturday night.
I hate hearing about people my age dying. I hate it. Even if it's someone I didn't really know or someone I lost touch with a long time ago, I hate it.
Suicides especially get to me. I think because of my own past with suicidal ideation, because of how much I wanted to do it . . . it just shakes me. Both in that I hate thinking of people I know going through that sort of mental anguish and giving in to those dark thoughts and in that it's a very chilling reminder that it very easily could have been me.
All I want right now is someone to hold me. Isn't that stupid? But true anyway.
8.08.2013
Some Not So Great News
Yesterday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I went in expecting it to be pretty standard. But after going over some basics, my doctor asked me what I was thinking of doing as far as follow up. I was totally confused, but it turns out that Dr. Wright is actually closing his practice and moving to Arkansas. Apparently they sent letters to all his patients about this back in June but for whatever reason they had my Kingman address on file (I KNOW I updated that when I moved back up here). So he's leaving in September.
I'm so sad! I'm glad for Dr. Wright and I know that he's taking advantage of a good opportunity professionally, but I will definitely, definitely miss him. I am sincerely beyond grateful to him for his help. If it wasn't for Dr. Wright, who finally listened to my symptoms and gave me a correct diagnosis and appropriate treatment, I would probably be dead right now. I really do believe that.
We chose Dr. Wright because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients; by the time we talked to him I was losing hope pretty fast. He ended up being great for me; we just clicked, and I owe a huge amount of my success to him. I'm so grateful for that.
I thanked him for everything he's done for me, and he thanked me in return and told me that it's been a privilege to see how much I've improved the past couple years. He told me that he'll always remember me as a success story, and that was fantastic to hear.
As far as treatment goes, I have an appointment with another doctor in the same building in September, and after that, I'll probably start seeing the doctor who's replacing Dr. Wright. He said he thinks she'd be a good fit for me, but she doesn't start until October and her schedule's pretty insane until December-ish, and I'll need medication refills before that, so this appointment in September is a "bridge" appointment, basically.
I'm not thrilled about having to start over with someone new (TWO more rounds of new patient paper work, awesome!) but I'm not dreading it either. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I need from a provider, so I feel like regardless of who the doctor is, I can advocate for myself, if that makes sense.
I'm more bummed to see Dr. Wright go than anything. I may have cried a little on the way to work after my appointment, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I wish him the best, and again, my gratitude for him is tremendous.
I'm so sad! I'm glad for Dr. Wright and I know that he's taking advantage of a good opportunity professionally, but I will definitely, definitely miss him. I am sincerely beyond grateful to him for his help. If it wasn't for Dr. Wright, who finally listened to my symptoms and gave me a correct diagnosis and appropriate treatment, I would probably be dead right now. I really do believe that.
We chose Dr. Wright because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients; by the time we talked to him I was losing hope pretty fast. He ended up being great for me; we just clicked, and I owe a huge amount of my success to him. I'm so grateful for that.
I thanked him for everything he's done for me, and he thanked me in return and told me that it's been a privilege to see how much I've improved the past couple years. He told me that he'll always remember me as a success story, and that was fantastic to hear.
As far as treatment goes, I have an appointment with another doctor in the same building in September, and after that, I'll probably start seeing the doctor who's replacing Dr. Wright. He said he thinks she'd be a good fit for me, but she doesn't start until October and her schedule's pretty insane until December-ish, and I'll need medication refills before that, so this appointment in September is a "bridge" appointment, basically.
I'm not thrilled about having to start over with someone new (TWO more rounds of new patient paper work, awesome!) but I'm not dreading it either. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I need from a provider, so I feel like regardless of who the doctor is, I can advocate for myself, if that makes sense.
I'm more bummed to see Dr. Wright go than anything. I may have cried a little on the way to work after my appointment, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I wish him the best, and again, my gratitude for him is tremendous.
7.17.2013
An Adorable Mess
That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving. Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
1.25.2013
I Got Money In The Bank
I got paid today! My first paycheck from MHC! It was incredibly exciting. I only got paid for my first three days of work (so like 20.2 hours) but still, money's money. Plus I didn't think we got paid until February 1st so finding out pay day was this week was pretty cool! And given that nothing has been deposited into my bank account since November (my last check from Hastings) it's a great feeling. So of course I treated Jerbs to a nice dinner out, and it was well worth it, even though I feel disgusting from how much I ate and don't want to see or hear about banana pudding for at least 6 months.
Aside from pay day, work is a little stressful right now. I mean, I'm still totally loving it and enjoying working there but . . . my boss boss was on vacation this past week. Before she left she made a training schedule for me, so everyone knew who I was supposed to be training with every day and what I was supposed to be learning. And then it all went to crap because one of the front desk girls is pregnant and got sick and is now out until further notice, which leaves the front desk short handed. To help out, the billing office took over eligibility verification, which is basically just making sure a patient has the insurance they say they do and finding out the details of the coverage so we know if they have a copay or deductible or whatever. It's not hard, but it is tedious and time consuming (we use insurance websites for verifying almost every plan so you have to log in and obviously I don't know any of the user names or passwords by heart so I have to look them up). So yeah, that's fun. Apparently the goal is to be two weeks ahead . . . and today I finished Monday and Tuesday of next week. So yeah. It's what I'll most likely be doing next week as well. At least, I hope it is, because for whatever reason I feel really driven to get it caught up, at least for next week, plus there's something weirdly satisfying about it.
So that's work. I really do love it, and I feel like such a grown up in my office! Well, my half an office. It's pretty awesome.
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In news not related to work, this past Thursday my mom had to have another one of our childhood pets put down. This time it was our big fluffy orange cat whose name was Monkey Orange but who we always called Fuzzy Puff. She was an old cat (I don't remember when we got her) who we adopted as a stray; my dad found her in our yard early one morning when he was going to work, and he let her in the garage, where she immediately started climbing the peg hooks on the walls. That's why she was named Monkey Orange. She was never a very cuddly cat but she was sweet, and I'm so sad that she's gone now. But at the same time, there was something wrong with her back legs (like maybe she had a stroke?) and she was in pain, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I'm sure she's in kitty heaven having a wonderful time and walking around just fine. R.I.P. Fuzzy Puff . . . you'll be missed and remembered.
Aside from pay day, work is a little stressful right now. I mean, I'm still totally loving it and enjoying working there but . . . my boss boss was on vacation this past week. Before she left she made a training schedule for me, so everyone knew who I was supposed to be training with every day and what I was supposed to be learning. And then it all went to crap because one of the front desk girls is pregnant and got sick and is now out until further notice, which leaves the front desk short handed. To help out, the billing office took over eligibility verification, which is basically just making sure a patient has the insurance they say they do and finding out the details of the coverage so we know if they have a copay or deductible or whatever. It's not hard, but it is tedious and time consuming (we use insurance websites for verifying almost every plan so you have to log in and obviously I don't know any of the user names or passwords by heart so I have to look them up). So yeah, that's fun. Apparently the goal is to be two weeks ahead . . . and today I finished Monday and Tuesday of next week. So yeah. It's what I'll most likely be doing next week as well. At least, I hope it is, because for whatever reason I feel really driven to get it caught up, at least for next week, plus there's something weirdly satisfying about it.
So that's work. I really do love it, and I feel like such a grown up in my office! Well, my half an office. It's pretty awesome.
--------------------
In news not related to work, this past Thursday my mom had to have another one of our childhood pets put down. This time it was our big fluffy orange cat whose name was Monkey Orange but who we always called Fuzzy Puff. She was an old cat (I don't remember when we got her) who we adopted as a stray; my dad found her in our yard early one morning when he was going to work, and he let her in the garage, where she immediately started climbing the peg hooks on the walls. That's why she was named Monkey Orange. She was never a very cuddly cat but she was sweet, and I'm so sad that she's gone now. But at the same time, there was something wrong with her back legs (like maybe she had a stroke?) and she was in pain, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I'm sure she's in kitty heaven having a wonderful time and walking around just fine. R.I.P. Fuzzy Puff . . . you'll be missed and remembered.
11.01.2012
A Difficult Day
Halloween was hard for me.
I just felt very depressed that day. It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween. I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday. But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.
Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family. It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family. It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them. And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family. Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy. On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him. He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so. In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.
Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman. I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's. My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids. My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear. Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin. After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.
Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it. It's not a happy though. It makes me feel like shit. And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over. And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.
Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year. I love it. Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited. I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up. I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy. And this year . . . I want to skip it all.
But I'll elaborate on that later.
---------------
In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday. He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome). I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June. When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.
I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being. But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming. I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around. Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!
I just felt very depressed that day. It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween. I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday. But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.
Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family. It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family. It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them. And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family. Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy. On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him. He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so. In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.
Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman. I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's. My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids. My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear. Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin. After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.
Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it. It's not a happy though. It makes me feel like shit. And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over. And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.
Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year. I love it. Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited. I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up. I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy. And this year . . . I want to skip it all.
But I'll elaborate on that later.
---------------
In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday. He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome). I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June. When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.
I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being. But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming. I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around. Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!
10.11.2012
Let Down
I did not get the job at Flagstaff Bone and Joint. They left me a voicemail today saying that they ended up not needing to hire anyone but that they'd keep my resume on file.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
10.08.2012
The Good Stuff Journal
About two years ago now, when I was really struggling mental health wise, I journaled all the time. I mean, constantly. And Ex-Fiance usually read it so he'd know what I was going through. Obviously I journaled nothing but negativity--all of the symptoms, all of the bad thoughts, etc.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
9.07.2012
Ramblings
I have so much on my mind lately. I'm kind of in that phase of my head is just constantly moving. It's not really in an anxious way just . . . crowded, I guess. Like instead of being linear and focused my thoughts are kind of spiraling out in all directions and they're random.
Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course. I think about him a lot lately. I miss him so much. September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.
I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.
I just . . . I miss him. It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt. I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before. I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him. I felt whole and healthy. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it. I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for. I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight. But then I found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.
It wasn't just him. I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance. He made me feel like I could do anything. He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc. He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure. He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless. I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that. Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that. It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.
I loved the life I thought I would have with him. I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name. I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good. I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things. I never realized that was something I wanted out of life. I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind. Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what. I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.
But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would. I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness. And I'm so mad at myself for that. So so so mad. That life was right there, waiting for me. It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon. And I . . . couldn't. I just couldn't live it. And I don't know why. I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know. I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.
The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine. Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life. And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first. I tell myself that it is possible. But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.
That's what I really hate myself for. The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed. The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed. That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him. And that I lost him because of it.
But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too. When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow. Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job. But I'm certain I had something to do with it. I shut him down. I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me. That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that. I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that. Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that. The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.
I don't understand myself.
I am still hopeful. I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together. I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess. I still believe in it too much.
Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course. I think about him a lot lately. I miss him so much. September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.
I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.
I just . . . I miss him. It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt. I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before. I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him. I felt whole and healthy. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it. I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for. I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight. But then I found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.
It wasn't just him. I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance. He made me feel like I could do anything. He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc. He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure. He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless. I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that. Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that. It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.
I loved the life I thought I would have with him. I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name. I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good. I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things. I never realized that was something I wanted out of life. I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind. Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what. I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.
But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would. I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness. And I'm so mad at myself for that. So so so mad. That life was right there, waiting for me. It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon. And I . . . couldn't. I just couldn't live it. And I don't know why. I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know. I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.
The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine. Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life. And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first. I tell myself that it is possible. But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.
That's what I really hate myself for. The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed. The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed. That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him. And that I lost him because of it.
But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too. When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow. Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job. But I'm certain I had something to do with it. I shut him down. I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me. That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that. I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that. Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that. The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.
I don't understand myself.
I am still hopeful. I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together. I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess. I still believe in it too much.
8.12.2012
Two Years
Today it's been two years since Ex-Fiance and I "met."
I say "met" because we were actually introduced back in October of 2009, but then we didn't speak to one another again until August 12, 2010. (Yes, I know the exact date. I am one of those girls).
So naturally knowing this is giving me some anxiety. This isn't really an anniversary we celebrate but we acknowledged it last year. And this year it's difficult because we're in separate cities, not speaking . . . it sucks.
I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've thought back to that random chance encounter (at WalMart, of all places!) and just been amazed that something so insignificant was the beginning of the rest of my life.
I wonder if Ex-Fiance remembers? (He might, he's actually pretty good with anniversaries).
There's just kind of this thought in my head that missing this anniversary together this year is somehow a bad omen. Like we're wasting time, almost. Like it won't end up working out between us. But I tell myself that there'll be an August 12th next year too, and that just because we miss this this year doesn't mean anything. It's all just part of our story--which hopefully has a beautiful ending up the road.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking it might still work out. Because . . . well, from Ex-Fiance's end it really seems like it won't.
And in about a week it'll be the two year anniversary of our first date (which was the best first date EVER). And September 20th marks two years of being officially together. So our real anniversary. I expect that one'll be hard.
So Ex-Fiance, if you're reading this, please know that I love you very much. I still think that night two years ago was the start of our forever, and I hope so much that you feel the same way. I hope someday this stupid being apart crap will just be a memory and that we'll be happy together.
I say "met" because we were actually introduced back in October of 2009, but then we didn't speak to one another again until August 12, 2010. (Yes, I know the exact date. I am one of those girls).
So naturally knowing this is giving me some anxiety. This isn't really an anniversary we celebrate but we acknowledged it last year. And this year it's difficult because we're in separate cities, not speaking . . . it sucks.
I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've thought back to that random chance encounter (at WalMart, of all places!) and just been amazed that something so insignificant was the beginning of the rest of my life.
I wonder if Ex-Fiance remembers? (He might, he's actually pretty good with anniversaries).
There's just kind of this thought in my head that missing this anniversary together this year is somehow a bad omen. Like we're wasting time, almost. Like it won't end up working out between us. But I tell myself that there'll be an August 12th next year too, and that just because we miss this this year doesn't mean anything. It's all just part of our story--which hopefully has a beautiful ending up the road.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking it might still work out. Because . . . well, from Ex-Fiance's end it really seems like it won't.
And in about a week it'll be the two year anniversary of our first date (which was the best first date EVER). And September 20th marks two years of being officially together. So our real anniversary. I expect that one'll be hard.
So Ex-Fiance, if you're reading this, please know that I love you very much. I still think that night two years ago was the start of our forever, and I hope so much that you feel the same way. I hope someday this stupid being apart crap will just be a memory and that we'll be happy together.
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