Did I Mention I Had A Baby?

Obviously I didn't actually have a baby.

But last night I dreamt very, very vividly that I did.  And I wasn't happy about it.  I kept looking at the baby in my dream and wondering how in the hell it had happened, and then being overcome with anxiety at the thought of moving to Seattle with the baby (because apparently the baby's father and I had moving plans), and I think I asked my mom if she would keep it.  (I'm saying it because it wasn't clear in the dream whether it was a boy or a girl . . . the baby's dad in my dream was also not clear, just some random character my head invented . . . none of my exes, none of my guy friends).  In my dream I had apparently never mentioned my pregnancy or the fact that I gave birth on my blog, and I decided that I probably should, and I titled the dream post "Did I Mention I Had A Baby?".  

Weird.  So weird.  And so freaking vivid that I woke up at the very edge of a full on anxiety attack, and it took me a second to come back and remember that I am childless, at which point I was just immensely relieved.

I blame this on the blog I was reading just before I went to bed.

In other news, I have had a lovely 3 day weekend.  I've made a lot of progress on my massive cleaning/organizing plan for the apartment and it's starting to look less cluttered and disorganized now.  I also haven't worn real pants or brushed my hair since Friday.  Glorious.

Last week wasn't great.  I went on kind of a food bender last week.  It was bad.  I think it had a lot to do with my sleep schedule, which was effed up all week long.  Last Sunday night I couldn't sleep, and tossed and turned until almost 3 AM, which of course led to a nap after work, which led to staying up too late again, and so on and so forth.  So I was basically tired all week.  And then there was all the stress and whatnot at work, and in my head the best cure for stress is CALORIES so . . . yeah.  Failure all around last week.

So I'm looking forward to this week, because tomorrow is already Tuesday, and Friday is payday, and since I ate so much fast food last week I still have a shit load of groceries left, so I'm good for this week.  I'm confident I'm going to kick ass food/fitness wise this week.

Also, my whole house is clean.  Which is always a good way to start the week.

And I'm feeling better about the work stuff I talked about last time I posted.  I'm actually starting to get really excited about moving to my office.  It'll be a nice change of pace.  I'm also confident that things will work out workload wise the way I want them to.  Here's hoping, anyway.

And with that, I need to go finish up my laundry.

Grump Grump Grump

For some reason, I've been grumpy lately.  Maybe lately is the wrong way to say it since it's only been since yesterday but still.

I just woke up in a bad mood yesterday.  A really bad mood.  I'd slept fine and through the night (so rare for me), but as soon as I was up I was just . . . really grouchy.  For the first time since I started I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to talk to Jerbs or anything.  I don't really know why . . . it was just kind of one of those things.  I was OK at work and actually got a lot done but I just felt kind of off throughout.  I was so excited to get off at noon and come home and take a nap.  But then Jerbs got off early and I just felt weirdly annoyed with her . . . which is stupid because she hasn't done anything, and I felt bad.

I'm still a little grouchy.  For the rest of the day, after work, when I wasn't sleeping (I took a 4 hour nap . . . good job), I just felt off.  Kinda cranky, kinda down in the dumps, kinda panicky.  Like I said, I'm not really sure why . . . I have some theories, though.

I think the day started out badly because I decided to sleep in and skip showering, and even though I always think it's a good idea at the time, it never is, because I end up getting to work and feeling gross and ugly next to the other girls.  (I work almost exclusively with women . . . the only man who works in the business office is our CEO).  And of course that's not a good experience so yeah.  Plus I wore new shoes today (I finally found cute boots with a little heel!) and even though that's a good thing, I think the combo of feeling like I looked like shit and wearing cute shoes made me feel silly.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it's true . . . I felt like an ugly little kid trying to wear big girl shoes.  (I love the shoes though).

Plus lately I've just felt . . . I don't know, weak and tired and sluggish and HUGE.  I think it's because I haven't worked out in quite awhile, which is lame.  Hopefully that'll change next week . . . the person I need to talk to about joining the gym was out yesterday and today, so I sent her an email today.  I can't wait to get back in the groove of working out.  I've also been craving bad things lately, and I've eaten out more times than I should have this past week.  Granted one day was my birthday, and two days were treats for Jerbs, but I'd wanted those 3 to be it and that definitely hasn't happened.  I am still under my goal for the month, so I'm going to try really hard to stop.  And then there's the ridiculous Dr. Pepper craving.  Lately I've just been feeling like I NEED soda, especially at work (maybe because I'm tired? I don't know).  But I was doing so well, craving more water and all that, and now all of a sudden . . . not so much.  (I am still drinking a lot of water, though, which is somewhat of a plus).  I'm not even going to say how much Dr. Pepper I've had in the past week because it's just too pathetic to admit publicly.

Most of it's probably just that my time of the month is about to start.  I hate it so much.

The panic is mostly over money.  I admit I did a lot of spending with this paycheck.  But it was almost completely on stuff I needed (like some new work clothes and shoes, groceries, household stuff, etc), and a big chunk of it was a rent check to Jerbs.  And honestly I'm making enough money to support myself but the thing is, I have to pick up my Lithium tomorrow (which is my expensive medicine) AND I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday.  Combined that's nearly $200, which sucks.  But I try to remind myself that I'll very rarely have those two expenses happen out of the same check (I only have to go to the doctor every 3 months), and that I get paid again the day after my doctor's appt., so really, I'll be fine.  Still, it's a little daunting.

So that's that.  Hopefully I get to feeling better soon, and hopefully this cycle doesn't suck too badly.

Work, Money, Snow, & Vietnamese Food

It's been more than a week since I updated!!  That's a little ridiculous considering I've posted multiple times a day for weeks at a time . . .

I just don't feel like I have too much to talk about right now.  My life is all boring and grown up and I don't want to come here just to whine about my love life and all that crap or spew my opinions about politics and other stuff like that.  Sigh.

Anyhow.  Work is still going well.  This past week my boss told me several times that I was picking things up really well.  She gave me a stack of things to work on one day (mostly claims that needed to be researched, plus some medical records stuff), and a couple days later I let her know what I'd done with each one of them.  She said I'd done everything perfectly.  This coming Monday there's a billing dept. meeting in which we'll discuss the sort of rearrangement of the dept., which basically means that I'm going to get my official responsibilities.  Right now each of the girls in the dept. (4 of them including our boss) have several insurance companies that they deal with, and on Monday, those will be redistributed, so I'll have my own insurance companies that'll be mine.  I'm excited about that.

I'm so incredibly happy with my job.  I really am.  Today at the mall a lady at the Avon kiosk who was giving me a sample asked what I did, and when I said I was a medical  biller she made a noise like she was impressed.  Pretty much made my day!  It feels so good to have an answer to that what do you do? question.  Telling people you're unemployed is not pleasant.

I got paid yesterday--my first full paycheck from MHC.  Glorious.

It's been snowing like crazy today.  There's probably about 6 inches on the ground and I think we're supposed to get even more so . . . yeah.  That's fun.  I fell twice today, once climbing up a hill and once going down one (both while attempting to get to bus stops . . . excellent).  It wasn't too bad being out today during the afternoon but once it got dark . . . wow.  So cold.  I'm not looking forward to Monday morning!

I treated Jerbs to Vietnamese food tonight, at a restaurant called Pho CRQ.  Jerbs looooooves pho (which is like a kind of Vietanmese soup, I guess you could call it).  I just got noodles with vegetables, and it was actually pretty good.  I'm not very adventurous food wise, and I'm the pickiest eater you could imagine, so I was fairly certain I wouldn't like it.  But I did!  Hello, adulthood!

The best part about today was trying on jeans at the mall and discovering that I've gone down a pants size!  I really wanted new jeans and they didn't have my size.  So just for the hell of it I tried on the size below it and they fit perfectly.  I seriously teared up in the dressing room.  I'm still a long way from my weight loss goal but that was an amazing confidence boost and just makes me want to work even harder!

Just An Update

Four days until Christmas, and I still have zero holiday spirit.  I'm trying, I really am, but even with all the Corey crap aside, it just doesn't feel like the holidays this year.  I've got all my little ornaments ready to be given out and travel plans are somewhat finalized (so I get to go home, yay!) but . . . somehow it's all just making me anxious.  I think I know why (aside from what I've already said) and I need to vent about it but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it here yet.  I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also dreading it, just because there's so much to do before I leave and it stresses me out.  I also just kind of don't like being away from home, and right now, Jerbs' place is the closest thing to home I have, y'know?  But I'm sure it'll be fine. I feel like I'm kind of taking this year off.  I feel like next year at Christmas time I will definitely be more stable than I am now so I'll see how I feel about the holidays then.  Maybe that Christmas magic will come back, maybe it won't; maybe I'll be with him, maybe I won't.  Either way, I'll be in a more defined place than I am now.  If I get back into the Christmas spirit, I plan on starting over--saving the most sentimental/meaningful ornaments and stuff in my (extensive) Christmas collection and donating the rest, just so that it's all MINE, not things I shared with him.  Even if he and I do get back together, I want to start over.  Keep nothing except the sentimental stuff from that bad part of our relationship.
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Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college.  It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester).  Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her.  It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW).  I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her.  In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her.  (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!)  I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
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Things could be looking up in the employment area.  I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
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I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected.  That was a pleasant experience.  However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me.  How freaking sad is that???  I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer.  Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
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**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.

Thanksgiving With Jerbs

Today I spent Thanksgiving with Jerbs.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky.  Really just perfect weather.

We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway.  We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open.  We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade.  We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.

All in all not a bad day.

I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs.  Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.

I thought I'd be a mess today.  I really did.  I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know.  And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.

I'm amazed.  Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.

I really.am.getting.better.  I am so thankful for that.  I'll probably write more about it later.

For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday + Thursday

Yesterday was another good day at work.  Seriously, two in a row?  What are the odds?

I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised.

So yesterday, at work, I was scheduled 9:00 AM--12:15 PM.  I was really looking forward to the short day, and I was definitely going to come home and take a nap afterwards.  But the girl who was supposed to come in from noon to 5:00 called in with a migraine and without even thinking about it, I agreed to stay late.  And I did end up there until about 5:00, and we had a great day.  It was just myself and one of the TL's up front and we goofed around the whole day.  It flew by and by the time it was 5:00, even though I'd been there for 8 hours, I definitely didn't feel like it.

Here's why this is significant: Normally, I do not work extra hours.  I very rarely agree to cover shifts for people (seriously, I only do it if the co-worker asking is someone I really like).  I am especially disagreeable if I end up having to work extra hours when I'm not expecting it and my plans change because of it.  I just absolutely hate being asked to work when I'm not supposed to.  But yesterday I felt none of that.  I was glad to stay and help (seriously, I was) and I had a good time being there.  And I think that's, at least in part, a result of me getting better mental health wise, and it's good to know that getting better is having a positive effect on my life.  Because yesterday, I helped out my co-workers, I got an extra 4 hours of pay, and I got to meet up with Jerbs for dinner since she was getting off at four.  And it's nice to have a big reminder that the medication is helping and all that . . . it makes me feel a little better about the expensive doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  Plus after dinner we went to JoAnn's, where all the Halloween stuff was 60% off . . . Jerbs bought me 5 pairs of Halloween socks!!

Then today was pay day, and my check was bigger than I expected--which is always awesome!  Plus I was off, and so was Jerbs, so we went out and hit PetSmart, Sally's, JoAnn's, Burrito Fiesta, Hastings, and Target.  We bought nail polish at Sally's (go figure, right?) and then played with kitties at PetSmart.  Then we went across the street to JoAnns, because we didn't buy enough Halloween stuff yesterday; Jerbs got black feather wings and I got 6 more pairs of socks.  (Yes, I have a sock problem, and I love it!).  After JoAnn's we had dinner at Burritos Fiesta, this amazing Mexican fast food type place (incidentally, also where we ate last night).  It is so.effing.good.  And cheap, too, which is always nice.  We popped into Hastings and bought a few things (Jerbs likes to take advantage of my employee discount when she can), then went to Target, where we mostly looked at clothes.

And now we're home, relaxing and stuff.  All in all, a great day.

I work tomorrow so hopefully it goes as well as my past two shifts have!

Dr., Work, Other Stuff

Soooo let's see.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I was absolutely dreading it, because I was afraid of getting yelled at for not having come in sooner, it's incredibly expensive and I hate paying so much for something that shouldn't be so pricey, there's not a bus stop very close to it so it was quite a walk, and I didn't want to get up early (9:30 appointment=catching the bus at 8:33).  But it's a necessity so . . . I went.

I didn't get chewed out for not coming in sooner.  My doctor was shocked and sympathetic when I told him about the breakup, and proud at how well I've handled things.  The bad news, however, is that when I got my labs in August, apparently my TSH (thyroid stuff) came back high, which I guess can happen when you're on Lithium (yay).  So he pretty much said I need to follow up with my PCP (I don't have a PCP, incidentally) and see what's going on and whatnot.  He said if it is a thyroid issue I can either just treat that with a thyroid medicine or change mood stabilizers.  I said I'd rather treat, and I actually got pretty emotional about the thought of changing my Lithium.  I told him I remember how bad it was and I don't want to go back to how I used to live, that I didn't want to take steps backwards.  He understood, so I have a lab order to get my TSH test done again (hopefully tomorrow) and then we'll see what happens with that.  If it's still high I'll follow up at a clinic, if it's normal (which I'm SO hoping it will be) we'll just be done with the issue.

(Can I just say that I love my psychiatrist?  He is amazing.  We just click, and I am so incredibly grateful that we found him.  Honestly, we only chose him because he was the first psychiatrist we called who accepted uninsured patients, and I think it was divine intervention.  I feel so well cared for with him.  I never feel judged, and he's just very . . . easy to talk to.  We never talk just about my issues--for example, at this appointment, he complimented my Halloween nails and we talked about Etsy.  He's such a nice man, too, and I love how intelligent he is.  Besides just being a smart guy, he loves what he does and is genuinely passionate about psychiatry and helping his patients, and that shows.  Love him.)

After my appointment Jerbs and I had breakfast at Biff's Bagels downtown.  A.may.zing.  I'd never been there before and I was impressed.  Then Jerbs went to work and I came home for a little while, before I went to work.

Surprisingly enough, work was actually pretty good.  I cashiered for a couple hours and then did a "membership drive" for a couple hours.  It was a good crew working and we had a lot of fun, and I actually found myself thinking, several times, that I was ENJOYING my job.

Lately night time bus rides home have been fun because there's a house along the bus route (on Fox Lair) that's already decorated for Christmas.  And this isn't like they forgot to take their decorations down this past January, this is legit decorated for Christmas.  It's weird but I LOVE it.

So at the moment, life is decent.