Sick And Stuff

I've spent my weekend watching TV and taking cold medicine.  It has not been fun.

That sinus infection that's been hanging around for the past few weeks randomly migrated down into my chest.  It literally happened overnight: I went to bed last Wednesday night with my head all stuffy and whatever, and woke up Thursday morning with a nasty cough and some pretty major chest congestion.  I worked a half day, then came home and just rested.  I managed to work on Friday, but I think I'm going to call in tomorrow.  I feel like absolute shit.

Which means I got absolutely nothing done this weekend.  The house needs to be cleaned.  I have laundry to do.  There are a few sewing projects I need to get moving on.

It stresses me out when things start to pile up like that.  Like . . . I've been having mini anxiety attacks about it all day.

Not to mention the thought of missing work stresses me out.

I'm telling myself to calm down, but it's kind of a losing battle.  

A Year Without A Psychiatrist

I said in my last post that I've been without a psychiatrist for nearly a year now, so I thought I'd follow that up by talking about what I've done this past year to keep myself on track treatment wise.

The first few months were pretty easy.  Between the last of my refills from Dr. Wright, and the refill Dr. F gave me, I was fully medicated until the end of November.  In December I broke into my "emergency" Lithium stash, which was basically about a month and a half worth of old prescriptions that I'd never taken.  (I had this partly from those times when I just wouldn't take my medicine, and partly leftover from when the couple times I switched medications before the current Rx ran out, if that makes sense).  I lowered my dose a little bit and my emergency supply lasted until the end of February.

At that point I had been unsuccessfully trying to work things out with my old doctor/been looking for a new doctor, and it was taking longer than expected.  I knew I couldn't just cold turkey stop my medication, so I started looking for an alternative.  I remembered an old Hastings co-worker telling me she was (self diagnosed) bipolar, and that she took a natural, OTC Lithium supplement.  I didn't think such a thing existed, but after I did some poking around on the internet, I found it.  It's called Lithium orotate and you can get it on Amazon.  It's obviously not the same formulation as Rx Lithium (which is Lithium carbonate); it's a lower dosage made mostly of elemental Lithium, and there's some evidence that the bioavailability is different as well.  It hasn't been studied very extensively in humans, but I was desperate, and it was something, so I bought it.  I started myself out on a dosage that was higher than what the bottle recommended but lower than my therapeutic dose of Rx Lithium.

And it actually helped.  I will say that it's not as effective as "real" Lithium, but it has most definitely kept the edge off of my worst symptoms for the past 6 months.  I haven't had any manic or hypomanic episodes; I've had a few down swings but not any true depressive episodes either.  It was the most helpful the first couple months I was taking it (March thru July).  I mean, in June I was able to get a second job, so obviously I was doing OK.  It's only been the past few weeks that I've started to feel like the effectiveness was dropping off a bit, which is why I started focusing on finding a psychiatrist again.

Like I said, it hasn't been perfect.  Since the end of August, some things have fallen by the wayside: I haven't written in a while, I haven't been working out or eating right, and my house is in desperate need of a deep clean.  Right now, though, those are all things I don't have the mental energy to do.  But I have been able to get up and go to work every day and hold down my job and even do really well at it, and that's amazing.  I also haven't had any suicidal ideation or thought about cutting.  So while the past 6 months of alternative treatment haven't been my best, they've far and away not been my worst, either.  I can tell you that if I'd just gone unmedicated, I'd be unemployed and possibly dead right now, and I'm neither.  All in all, I call it at least a semi success.  I'm also really proud of myself for being able to find an alternative and at least do something to keep myself well, because old me would have just let it go and suffered the consequences.

Right now, things are on a bit of a downslope.  I haven't had any energy the past couple weeks, I can feel my temper getting shorter, and in general, I just haven't felt well.  I'm just trying to make it through as best as I can, and in less than two weeks I'll see my new doctor and everything will get better from there.  I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to my appointment, because I'm ready to get back to where I was.

Buckling Down

I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like the past two weeks have just been . . . weird.  I can't quite put my finger on why but things have felt off.  It's been frustrating and I'm really trying to shake it.

Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather.  That's never easy for me.  And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside.  Very, very annoying.  I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks.  Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit.  I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out.  And I obviously can't sleep through work.  And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate.  I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out.  That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.

But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.

I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  That is, at the moment, a high priority.  Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.

I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being.  I need to drink less soda and more water.  I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP.  I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.

I need to work out.  I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio.  My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.

And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.

I need to write.  That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it.  I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.

So

It's been 3 weeks since I wrote anything here.  I think that's the longest I've gone without blogging since I started back in 2012.

Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle.  Not consistently, it's been up and down.  Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days.  In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting?  I'll write more about that part of it later.  For now, a general catch up.

It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do.  (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though).  It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff.  Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious.  Hollie loves to run and she's fast!  Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.

But it's great having Hollie here.  Adopting her was definitely a great decision.  She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her.  She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome.  She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
 And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max.  Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her.  He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved.  In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday.  It made me so happy.  We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well.  I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive.  I love it.  The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious.  Like I said, definitely a great decision.

My little April fitness challenge is going so so.  I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK.  Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff.  Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good.  My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice.  Slow but steady.  I'm making small improvements as I feel able to.  I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too.  And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part.  Weekends are still tricky but no big deal.  One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful.  Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right?  I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.

Work is good right now.  Busy and at times frustrating but good.  I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well.  And really, the frustration is really passing.  When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later.  So whatever.  I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.

I think that's about it.  For the moment, anyhow.