After I got laid off at MHC, I took some time to just . . . do nothing. My severance package and PTO cash out was pretty generous, so I wasn't in a super big hurry to find something new. I decompressed and got some cleaning and organizing done around the house, I went to the gym, I played Overwatch. And then I filed for unemployment in AZ, which was denied because my wages were reported in WA (that was a whole dumb thing), and that got approved. And then I edited my resume (after not touching it in like 7 years) and added MHC to it. And then, finally, I decided it was time to start looking for a new job. (I honestly don't know why/how I was so calm about it, but I really was . . . My gut feeling was that it wouldn't take me too long to find something).
Anyway, I've been active in AAPC since I moved up here (I'm actually chapter secretary at the moment, for the second year in a row), and one of the things we ask is for members to let the group know about job openings. And as I was getting ready to start my job search, I remembered that another AAPC member had been announcing a coding job for quite awhile, working in the physician's practice area of a local hospital. It's really weird because the very first time she announced it, I thought it sounded really interesting, and for a minute I wondered if it was time for a change. But I decided against it.
Well, the job was still available, and I found it on Indeed and applied. I figured since it had been open so long I had a good chance, even if I wasn't quite as experienced as they wanted. Within like . . . 2 days of applying, they asked for a phone interview, which I did. And then I had to do an in person interview, which took forever to schedule (it's a long story, basically the dept. currently has an interim director who is based in Virginia, at corporate headquarters, and she is only in Olympia like once a month for a few days). My phone interview was January 13th, and my in person interview was on January 21st. The in person interview went SO well. I just had so much confidence going in. I truly don't know where it came from, because I was pretty anxious like . . . until I walked into the building. And then, I don't know what happened, but . . . it was awesome. The interview ended up lasting a little over an hour, and when I left, I just felt like . . . yeah, this one's mine. Very much like how I felt after my MHC interview.
I officially got an offer on January 29th/30th, and on February 4th I went in and did new hire paperwork/drug testing/background check stuff. I didn't get to start until February 17th, because the hospital only has new hires start every 2 weeks, and every new hire has to do a whole day group orientation. There were only 2 other people in my group so that was kind of cool.
So far it's gone really well. After the first day in my department, I was just pumped. I like my job (some A/R, some coding, eventually a lot of auditing/provider education), I love my boss, and my office mate is my AAPC friend who actually announced the job! I'm currently working from home again because of the pandemic and it hasn't been bad, but I do miss the office. The system and processes are very different than at MHC and it's been an adjustment for sure, but in a good way.
AND while I was looking at job listings online, I came across one for a sleep clinic called ISC. Jenny had applied there before because a couple of her coworkers had left ORS for ISC because they pay and benefits were better. She never got a call back the first time. But as all this was going on, things were getting bad at ORS. Like Jenny was basically doing the work of 3 people and hadn't gotten a raise since just after she started, and she was still making minimum wage. The owner of ORS just "doesn't do" cost of living raises--he only believes in merit raises. And she was already doing 3 jobs so . . . what else could she possibly do to go above and beyond? The ISC ad posted when I was looking for work said they were urgently hiring, so I let Jenny know. They called her back really quickly, and she got the job! She actually started at ISC on February 11th. She's SO much happier there and so glad to be done with ORS. Even moreso considering that if she was still at ORS, she'd be the only biller because 2 people have quit, AND the supervisor is on indefinite medical leave.
So we both got new jobs, and we both got raises (Jenny got $3/hour, I got $5/hour). I definitely feel like I was ready for a change, and as much as I loved MHC, maybe getting laid off was a good thing. I feel like I'm finally in a truly adult job, and I like working somewhere local. And with our new combined income . . . I don't really want to say much and jinx it but let's just say homeowner-ship is no longer completely out of the question for us. I mean, it's still going to be awhile, because my hours got cut because of the pandemic, and I have some new fun medical debt, but STILL. Once things get back to normal . . . fingers crossed!
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
5.06.2020
7.01.2014
2 Years of Evolution
So I was actually going to write this
post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up
anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the
back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.
But the more I've thought about it, the
more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a
more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because,
even though it was on May 25th that Ex-Fiance told me he
didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly
end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting
better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two
years ago today.
Honestly, it's hard to even know where
to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since
that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words.
I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing
it all up is a challenge.
The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to
Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable
would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and
numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating,
heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost
nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part
of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept
thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the
place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking
about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had
been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and
away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really
didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed
a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough
to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to
afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious
cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on
the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was
with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest
of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day
before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave.
I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like
I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going.
He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my
porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.
On that day my life just didn't make
sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked
from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated
than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak.
Very, very bleak.
Today, two years later, I am happier
than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up,
went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs.
That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the
normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was
sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but
now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good
feeling.
I've come so far in two years. I got
an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18
months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my
job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been
great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been
able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel
like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at
MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I
would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are
things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would
want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was
asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the
confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to
be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having
two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.
It's also been a great experience to
work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like
me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at
like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . .
. I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about
it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met
me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm
definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have
been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have
people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel
normal.
I've stopped overreacting to things. I
feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and
insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or
the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little
things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now,
those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that
happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work
last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried
and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay
for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so
she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that
I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus
after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a
huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked.
But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one
WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning),
and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the
time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went
to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my
day.
I've stopped focusing on other people's
lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook
statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me
get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would
get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in
any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't
succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes
just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I
wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too
wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear
about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just
happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point,
that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want
to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I
like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm
excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm
going to accomplish great things.
I've stopped feeling like I need to
define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my
personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was
and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this
over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to
thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I
decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy
as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine
turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I
was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head
made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know
how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It
seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time.
And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all
just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . .
. and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying
about what they mean.
In general, my mind just feels more
mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of
control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it
was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or
movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It
sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or
depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided
anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed
those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory
nonetheless.
One thing that I haven't talked much
about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this
journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I
don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that
area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a
Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church,
but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to
experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a
higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that
I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life.
Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.
Right now, I really do love my life.
It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I
live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every
single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from
where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything
that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and
for my own determination.
It hasn't been an easy journey, but it
has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been,
I don't think I'd change a thing.
10.15.2013
Online Dating
Confession: I have a profile on Match.com. I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it. It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
5.27.2013
Three Hundred and Sixty Five
I'm really not sure what to say about the one year anniversary but I feel like I need to say something.
It was a quiet, uneventful day. My co-worker brought her kids over to visit Max (they're the ones I adopted him from) and they and Max had so much fun. We took Max on a long walk together and when they left, he tried to leave with them; afterward he just sat at the front door and cried. I took him to PetSmart and ran a few errands, then spent my evening watching LOST on Netflix and cleaning/organizing things around here.
So all in all, not a whole lot to talk about. I expected it to feel . . . I don't know, more significant, but I didn't actually think about it much. I mean, in the back of my mind, I was aware, all day, of the one year thing but overall, it wasn't too big a deal. I thought about calling him more than once but every time I dialed his number I hung up before I even pressed talk.
It's hard to believe it's been a year. Past that, I don't know what to say, really. On the one hand this feels like a deadline: if it's been a whole year then it's definitely time to give up and stop hoping and just move on with my life regardless of how strongly I feel I'm not quite ready to do that. On the other hand this has somehow made me feel more hopeful, in the sense of maybe now it's been long enough. Maybe now enough time has passed that we can sit down and talk things out and go from there.
Sometimes I look at the past year and I feel like a failure. I feel like there's so much more I could have accomplished if I'd worked a little bit harder or devoted myself a little bit more. This is really pretty limited to my weight and physical health--sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Do you know how much you could have accomplished in a year if you'd just eaten better and worked out more? And yeah, it disappoints me.
At the same time, though, I know that I have accomplished tons in the past year. Reading blog entries and FB statuses from this time last year is proof that I'm really a completely different person now than I was then.
First and foremost, my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds. I'm healthier now than I ever have been as an adult. I feel like I'm in control of my own mind, I'm not as angry or as bitter, my sense of self gets stronger every day. And even more than that I'v been able to commit to my treatment. I take my medicine every day, I go to my doctor's appointments, I get my lab work done when I'm supposed to. All great things that I definitely wasn't doing as much or as well before. I don't have anxiety attacks anymore and I can sleep without sleeping pills. I feel capable. I do still have bad days but now when I do, they're normal bad days in the sense that whatever made them bad is a legitimate thing to be upset about. Does that make sense? Mostly I don't blow things out of proportion anymore, and one little aggravation doesn't ruin my day.
I'm also just . . . I don't know. At this time last year I was mentally a mess, I didn't own a car, and I was making $8 an hour working in retail. Now, I'm mentally healthy, was just able to buy a car on my own, and I'm making almost double what I used to be plus working actual full time hours. It amazes me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to have a full time job given my mental state.
So really, the best thing to say is that I've done well. I've done as well as I could despite the fact that I got my heart broken and that I'm still heart broken right this very second.
At the end of the day, I still miss Ex-Fiance. And I still love him. And I would still really, really like the opportunity for a second chance.
I want him to know me like this. I want him to see who I really am. That girl that made him miserable . . . that wasn't me. That's *not* me. And I know that I'm at a point where I could be in a relationship and do it successfully, and I want it to be with him. I still feel, very strongly, that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him.
So that's that. Either way--with Ex-Fiance or without Ex-Fiance--I feel like I have a bright future and I'm glad to be alive and healthy.
I remember, just after the break up happened, I was in the back room at the Kingman Hastings with one of my co-workers. We were talking, and I said something about how scared I was that things might not work out with Ex-Fiance in the end. And my co-worker said, "So if that happens, then worst case scenario is you survive and come out of this knowing you can handle anything." I honestly think it was the most useful thing anyone said to me at that point and I've carried it with me and repeated it to myself and now it feels more true than ever.
I'm looking forward to summer. To my life. To all the things I have yet to accomplish.
It was a quiet, uneventful day. My co-worker brought her kids over to visit Max (they're the ones I adopted him from) and they and Max had so much fun. We took Max on a long walk together and when they left, he tried to leave with them; afterward he just sat at the front door and cried. I took him to PetSmart and ran a few errands, then spent my evening watching LOST on Netflix and cleaning/organizing things around here.
So all in all, not a whole lot to talk about. I expected it to feel . . . I don't know, more significant, but I didn't actually think about it much. I mean, in the back of my mind, I was aware, all day, of the one year thing but overall, it wasn't too big a deal. I thought about calling him more than once but every time I dialed his number I hung up before I even pressed talk.
It's hard to believe it's been a year. Past that, I don't know what to say, really. On the one hand this feels like a deadline: if it's been a whole year then it's definitely time to give up and stop hoping and just move on with my life regardless of how strongly I feel I'm not quite ready to do that. On the other hand this has somehow made me feel more hopeful, in the sense of maybe now it's been long enough. Maybe now enough time has passed that we can sit down and talk things out and go from there.
Sometimes I look at the past year and I feel like a failure. I feel like there's so much more I could have accomplished if I'd worked a little bit harder or devoted myself a little bit more. This is really pretty limited to my weight and physical health--sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Do you know how much you could have accomplished in a year if you'd just eaten better and worked out more? And yeah, it disappoints me.
At the same time, though, I know that I have accomplished tons in the past year. Reading blog entries and FB statuses from this time last year is proof that I'm really a completely different person now than I was then.
First and foremost, my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds. I'm healthier now than I ever have been as an adult. I feel like I'm in control of my own mind, I'm not as angry or as bitter, my sense of self gets stronger every day. And even more than that I'v been able to commit to my treatment. I take my medicine every day, I go to my doctor's appointments, I get my lab work done when I'm supposed to. All great things that I definitely wasn't doing as much or as well before. I don't have anxiety attacks anymore and I can sleep without sleeping pills. I feel capable. I do still have bad days but now when I do, they're normal bad days in the sense that whatever made them bad is a legitimate thing to be upset about. Does that make sense? Mostly I don't blow things out of proportion anymore, and one little aggravation doesn't ruin my day.
I'm also just . . . I don't know. At this time last year I was mentally a mess, I didn't own a car, and I was making $8 an hour working in retail. Now, I'm mentally healthy, was just able to buy a car on my own, and I'm making almost double what I used to be plus working actual full time hours. It amazes me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to have a full time job given my mental state.
So really, the best thing to say is that I've done well. I've done as well as I could despite the fact that I got my heart broken and that I'm still heart broken right this very second.
At the end of the day, I still miss Ex-Fiance. And I still love him. And I would still really, really like the opportunity for a second chance.
I want him to know me like this. I want him to see who I really am. That girl that made him miserable . . . that wasn't me. That's *not* me. And I know that I'm at a point where I could be in a relationship and do it successfully, and I want it to be with him. I still feel, very strongly, that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him.
So that's that. Either way--with Ex-Fiance or without Ex-Fiance--I feel like I have a bright future and I'm glad to be alive and healthy.
I remember, just after the break up happened, I was in the back room at the Kingman Hastings with one of my co-workers. We were talking, and I said something about how scared I was that things might not work out with Ex-Fiance in the end. And my co-worker said, "So if that happens, then worst case scenario is you survive and come out of this knowing you can handle anything." I honestly think it was the most useful thing anyone said to me at that point and I've carried it with me and repeated it to myself and now it feels more true than ever.
I'm looking forward to summer. To my life. To all the things I have yet to accomplish.
1.10.2013
From Email to EMPLOYED
That's right!! As of today, I officially have a JOB!!!!!
I'm going to post the whole story, because I'm just that freakin' excited.
Back at the beginning of December (or at least that's about what I figure based on email) I sent my resume in response to a Craigslist ad for a medical billing position at a cardiology clinic. I figured that with my front desk experience I at least had a decent shot at it. But I never heard anything, and at the time I was applying for job after job after job, so I pretty much forgot about it.
So fast forward to December 19th. It was late at night, and I randomly decided to check my "professional" email (aka my email address that actually has my name in it, which I use on my resume and for more professional than personal stuff). I check that email very, very rarely, since all that usually comes to that email are mailing lists and newsletters. Well, that night, I had an email from a woman (the practice manager) that was in response to my resume for the billing position, thanking me for my interest in the job and asking me when I could come in for an interview. I was thrilled, and I emailed her back right that second. By the next afternoon she'd emailed me back, and the following day (Friday, Dec. 21st) I went in to interview with her.
It went incredibly well. She mostly told me about the practice and the doctors, went over hours and benefits, asked me about my experience in medical office, and all that. I felt completely at ease with her, and at the end of the interview she told me she wanted me to meet the business manager for a second interview. The problem was that it was a Friday, and on Friday the billers and the managers only work until noon, and at the end of my interview it was already 11:30. The business manager was on vacation the next week, which meant that after the 21st, she wouldn't be in the office until the 31st. And naturally, the clinic would be closed on the 1st of the year--which meant I'd have to wait until the 2nd or 3rd of January for my interview. That was a little crappy, but oh well--I was just happy to have had an interview and to have been asked back for a second one.
I left felling really, really good about the whole thing. I thought the interview had gone as well as it could have, I thought I'd come across really well, I thought the practice manager and I clicked well, and I just had a good feeling about this one. I felt like . . . yep, this one's mine. I was feeling superstitious so the only people who knew about the interviews were my family, Jerbs, and Theresa. (My mom said she had a good feeling about it too, which gave me a confidence boost). I literally didn't say a word to anybody else, and in the time between interviews, I prayed, crossed my fingers, and wished on every star, eye lash, and 11:11 I possibly could.
I waited as patiently as I could until the 31st, and called their business manager to set up my interview. She asked me to come on the 2nd (a Wednesday). I got to the clinic on the 2nd and the practice manager, who did my first interview, took me back to the conference room to introduce me to the business manager. To my surprise, the business manager had brought the three other members of the billing department to sit in and ask questions as well--which at first totally unnerved me. As the practice manager left, though, she patted me on the shoulder and wished me luck, which was just really sweet.
Well, the second interview went fantastic. All 4 women asked me questions, and they seemed to love a lot of my answers. And it was pretty clear right away that my personality would mesh really, really well with all of them. It was seriously the best interview I've ever been on. It was a great blend of serious questions and telling them why they wanted me on their team, to just sharing stories about working in medical offices and laughing. It was awesome. Again, I left with a really, really good feeling. I was just really sure that I could work well with the people I'd met, and that I'd fit in well with their staff.
The business manager said she wanted to decide by the end of the week, and by Friday I hadn't heard anything. I was so disappointed, but I still had a good feeling about it. I didn't hear anything on Monday either, so I checked my email again, just in case. Well, I had an email from the business manager. It was basically a link to this website and I had to take these 4 little assessment things--they were just like those personality things that are on every application, so I did those, and the following morning, I left a voice mail for the business manager letting her know those were done.
I heard nothing during the rest of Tuesday, and nothing on Wednesday. I was starting to panic a little and then, this morning, at around 11 AM, I finally got the call. The business manager apologized for not calling sooner and said she'd been sick and mostly voiceless, told me the results of my little assessments indicated that I'd be a good fit for them, and offered me the position! (And told me how much it paid, which made me even happier). I just keep thinking of all the interviews I had up till now, all the disappointment in not being offered those jobs--but it was for good reason, because I ended up right where I was supposed to, I think.
So I went in this afternoon and picked up an official application and signed off on allowing them to do a background check, and as soon as that comes back clean or whatever, I get to start work.
I am beyond thrilled. I can't even describe the relief I felt when she told me I got the job. Relief and gratitude. My hands were shaking when I hung up the phone and I actually started crying. I am so, so grateful for this opportunity. For so many reasons. I'm so happy that I can stop being a burden to Jerbs, that I can start to take care of myself, that I can just not be constantly panicking about money, that I'll have something that makes me feel not useless.
Honestly, I owe a lot of it to the clinic. One of my jobs as a receptionist was posting charges and payments to patient accounts--which at most medical offices is something the billing dept., not the front desk, does. It was aggravating at times, but knowing at least a little of the billing side of things definitely worked in my favor. Plus working at the clinic taught me what questions to ask, if that makes sense: I asked at my first interview about the services the clinic did and their scope of care, what insurances they were contracted with, what medical software they used for front desk and billing, how much of their records were EMR, etc. I think asking things like that made me look interested, serious, and knowledgeable.
I think this is going to be a great thing for me. I already really like the people I'll be working most closely with. And I love the clinic itself. It's a cardiology clinic that opened less than four years ago (I remember when they opened, because I was at the clinic at the time, and they gave us a ton of their info. pamphlets) and in four years they have grown tremendously. They started out with four doctors and two administrators and now have a staff of 54 . . . I guess 55, counting me! They have a big scope of care, because they have not only cardiologists, but a psychologist, a nutritionist, an electrophysiologist (who comes up from PHX once a week), and a full sleep clinic. They co-own a fitness center (which is right across the street from them, so yes, I'll definitely be joining when I can). They do satellite clinics in Winslow, Page, and Sedona. It's an incredibly successful practice, and I'm excited to be working for them. I've never been so excited about a business I'm working for. I love how many services they offer in the name of heart health--who would have ever thought that psychology and sleep studies were necessary in cardiology? It's innovative, and I like that a lot.
Plus, I'm glad I'll get to learn medical billing, because that's a skill that'll come in handy. I'm really looking at this as a career move, not a job. Because as much as I want to use my degree someday, I would probably be OK doing something like medical billing as my career, because I have plenty of ways to indulge my lit. nerdiness elsewhere. There's a lot of potential in medical billing, and I really believe that it'll make getting a job wherever I move to a lot easier.
And that's that. I'm so happy, and this is the best way to really start the year that I could imagine. My friend Bridget once said (in a comment on this blog about another job interview, actually) that it was about time for me to hit my "up and over" phase. I think that's a perfect way to describe it.
So up and over I go.
I'm going to post the whole story, because I'm just that freakin' excited.
Back at the beginning of December (or at least that's about what I figure based on email) I sent my resume in response to a Craigslist ad for a medical billing position at a cardiology clinic. I figured that with my front desk experience I at least had a decent shot at it. But I never heard anything, and at the time I was applying for job after job after job, so I pretty much forgot about it.
So fast forward to December 19th. It was late at night, and I randomly decided to check my "professional" email (aka my email address that actually has my name in it, which I use on my resume and for more professional than personal stuff). I check that email very, very rarely, since all that usually comes to that email are mailing lists and newsletters. Well, that night, I had an email from a woman (the practice manager) that was in response to my resume for the billing position, thanking me for my interest in the job and asking me when I could come in for an interview. I was thrilled, and I emailed her back right that second. By the next afternoon she'd emailed me back, and the following day (Friday, Dec. 21st) I went in to interview with her.
It went incredibly well. She mostly told me about the practice and the doctors, went over hours and benefits, asked me about my experience in medical office, and all that. I felt completely at ease with her, and at the end of the interview she told me she wanted me to meet the business manager for a second interview. The problem was that it was a Friday, and on Friday the billers and the managers only work until noon, and at the end of my interview it was already 11:30. The business manager was on vacation the next week, which meant that after the 21st, she wouldn't be in the office until the 31st. And naturally, the clinic would be closed on the 1st of the year--which meant I'd have to wait until the 2nd or 3rd of January for my interview. That was a little crappy, but oh well--I was just happy to have had an interview and to have been asked back for a second one.
I left felling really, really good about the whole thing. I thought the interview had gone as well as it could have, I thought I'd come across really well, I thought the practice manager and I clicked well, and I just had a good feeling about this one. I felt like . . . yep, this one's mine. I was feeling superstitious so the only people who knew about the interviews were my family, Jerbs, and Theresa. (My mom said she had a good feeling about it too, which gave me a confidence boost). I literally didn't say a word to anybody else, and in the time between interviews, I prayed, crossed my fingers, and wished on every star, eye lash, and 11:11 I possibly could.
I waited as patiently as I could until the 31st, and called their business manager to set up my interview. She asked me to come on the 2nd (a Wednesday). I got to the clinic on the 2nd and the practice manager, who did my first interview, took me back to the conference room to introduce me to the business manager. To my surprise, the business manager had brought the three other members of the billing department to sit in and ask questions as well--which at first totally unnerved me. As the practice manager left, though, she patted me on the shoulder and wished me luck, which was just really sweet.
Well, the second interview went fantastic. All 4 women asked me questions, and they seemed to love a lot of my answers. And it was pretty clear right away that my personality would mesh really, really well with all of them. It was seriously the best interview I've ever been on. It was a great blend of serious questions and telling them why they wanted me on their team, to just sharing stories about working in medical offices and laughing. It was awesome. Again, I left with a really, really good feeling. I was just really sure that I could work well with the people I'd met, and that I'd fit in well with their staff.
The business manager said she wanted to decide by the end of the week, and by Friday I hadn't heard anything. I was so disappointed, but I still had a good feeling about it. I didn't hear anything on Monday either, so I checked my email again, just in case. Well, I had an email from the business manager. It was basically a link to this website and I had to take these 4 little assessment things--they were just like those personality things that are on every application, so I did those, and the following morning, I left a voice mail for the business manager letting her know those were done.
I heard nothing during the rest of Tuesday, and nothing on Wednesday. I was starting to panic a little and then, this morning, at around 11 AM, I finally got the call. The business manager apologized for not calling sooner and said she'd been sick and mostly voiceless, told me the results of my little assessments indicated that I'd be a good fit for them, and offered me the position! (And told me how much it paid, which made me even happier). I just keep thinking of all the interviews I had up till now, all the disappointment in not being offered those jobs--but it was for good reason, because I ended up right where I was supposed to, I think.
So I went in this afternoon and picked up an official application and signed off on allowing them to do a background check, and as soon as that comes back clean or whatever, I get to start work.
I am beyond thrilled. I can't even describe the relief I felt when she told me I got the job. Relief and gratitude. My hands were shaking when I hung up the phone and I actually started crying. I am so, so grateful for this opportunity. For so many reasons. I'm so happy that I can stop being a burden to Jerbs, that I can start to take care of myself, that I can just not be constantly panicking about money, that I'll have something that makes me feel not useless.
Honestly, I owe a lot of it to the clinic. One of my jobs as a receptionist was posting charges and payments to patient accounts--which at most medical offices is something the billing dept., not the front desk, does. It was aggravating at times, but knowing at least a little of the billing side of things definitely worked in my favor. Plus working at the clinic taught me what questions to ask, if that makes sense: I asked at my first interview about the services the clinic did and their scope of care, what insurances they were contracted with, what medical software they used for front desk and billing, how much of their records were EMR, etc. I think asking things like that made me look interested, serious, and knowledgeable.
I think this is going to be a great thing for me. I already really like the people I'll be working most closely with. And I love the clinic itself. It's a cardiology clinic that opened less than four years ago (I remember when they opened, because I was at the clinic at the time, and they gave us a ton of their info. pamphlets) and in four years they have grown tremendously. They started out with four doctors and two administrators and now have a staff of 54 . . . I guess 55, counting me! They have a big scope of care, because they have not only cardiologists, but a psychologist, a nutritionist, an electrophysiologist (who comes up from PHX once a week), and a full sleep clinic. They co-own a fitness center (which is right across the street from them, so yes, I'll definitely be joining when I can). They do satellite clinics in Winslow, Page, and Sedona. It's an incredibly successful practice, and I'm excited to be working for them. I've never been so excited about a business I'm working for. I love how many services they offer in the name of heart health--who would have ever thought that psychology and sleep studies were necessary in cardiology? It's innovative, and I like that a lot.
Plus, I'm glad I'll get to learn medical billing, because that's a skill that'll come in handy. I'm really looking at this as a career move, not a job. Because as much as I want to use my degree someday, I would probably be OK doing something like medical billing as my career, because I have plenty of ways to indulge my lit. nerdiness elsewhere. There's a lot of potential in medical billing, and I really believe that it'll make getting a job wherever I move to a lot easier.
And that's that. I'm so happy, and this is the best way to really start the year that I could imagine. My friend Bridget once said (in a comment on this blog about another job interview, actually) that it was about time for me to hit my "up and over" phase. I think that's a perfect way to describe it.
So up and over I go.
12.31.2012
2012 in Review
Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it. Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad. But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
12.30.2012
Green Eyed Monster
A friend of mine (hi Heather!) referred to 2012 as the year of love on her old blog, and I have to say, that's a completely apt description.
I can name at least ten people I know (mostly college friends) who got married or engaged this year, and a few more that I know of but don't know well who did too. Two girls I went to college with got married within the last week alone. Honestly, no one who got married/engaged this year was anyone I'm super super close to, but still.
Let me say this: I am sincerely, from the bottom of my heart happy for every single one of my friends who got married or engaged this year. I really am. I wish them all nothing but the best.
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little. Or a lot. A lot is more accurate.
The thing is, even though I'm not in close contact with most of these people, we have a lot of mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook, I end up seeing pictures and hearing about the weddings and whatnot without even trying. And again, that's not really a bad thing, because hey, it's Facebook, and I would never ever ever expect anyone to not share their happiness just so that I wouldn't be sad, if that makes sense. But still, seeing all these beautiful wedding pictures of people so in love with one another . . . hurts. A lot. Mostly because . . . oh, it's hard to explain.
I never thought about marriage much before Corey. It wasn't something that particularly interested in me; I was indifferent to the idea. But then I met Corey and I fell in love with him and I realized how much I wanted that, and I thought I'd found it. I expected my name to be on the year of love list along with all the others, and then . . . well, you know the rest.
So it hurts, to see something that I got close to and then lost. One of the things that hurts the most is seeing my friends with people who genuinely love them. That probably doesn't make sense, but bear with me. I felt like that was what was missing from my relationship with Corey--I felt like I was madly in love with him and I was so excited to marry him, but I didn't feel like he felt the same towards me. And I WANT someone who loves me too. I want someone who is excited to marry me, who thinks he's lucky to be with me, who's nervous to propose to me, who wants to celebrate our engagement instead of just being indifferent to it, who is proud and honored to call himself my fiance--and I honestly never got that from Corey. Maybe at the very beginning but not much after. I realize that back then I probably wasn't really someone anyone would be proud to be with, but I damn sure am now. And maybe Corey did feel all those things and my perception was just off because of the mental illness . . . I don't know. The thing is, I see that kind of love in all of my friends' wedding pictures, and I think, THAT'S what I want. And I know now--and maybe I knew before the breakup ever happened--that that wasn't what I had. I think it may have had the potential to be that, but it wasn't quite there.
And it's not just the love that I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of how big a deal everyone else's engagements and wedding seem to be. I felt like no one really cared when Corey and I got engaged. No one threw us any engagement parties, no one even really congratulated us. And maybe it was because neither of us was really celebrating it, because things were going so poorly between us and all that, y'know? I don't know, all of this is such a jumble in my head that I probably shouldn't even be sharing it. But I'm jealous of having so many people to share it with, and that sucks.
I always imagined I'd come out of college with a decent sized social circle and a lot of friends I wanted to keep in touch with, and that we'd . . . sort of grow up together. I think that's a big thing that's missing from my life, because I really don't have a lot of friends. And I see these girls being in each other's weddings and just being friends, double dating with their husbands an whatnot . . . and that's probably what makes me the most jealous. I want that. The thing is, once I graduated college was when the bipolar really started to kick in and get bad so I pretty much dropped out socially. And then the rest of the bridges were burnt when I got with Corey, and now looking at it from a mentally healthy perspective, I regret a lot of things. (So if you're reading this and you're a college friend or sister, please know that chances are I still really like you, and I would love to reconnect in the new year).
Not to mention my 28th birthday is right around the corner. I feel like I should be waaaay ahead of where I am. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 28 years and my education and all that.
So it's just a little difficult. Like I said, I'm happy for everyone, but it kicks up all these thoughts in my head. And I remember how Corey never even wanted to plan our wedding and I start to wonder if I ever mattered to him at all; I remember how he didn't tell anyone about our engagement and how I felt like such a small part of his life when I should have been the most important. It's frustrating beyond belief--I can't even really put all of it into words. It's such a dichotomy in my head--I feel like I knew all along that things wouldn't work out the way they were, but at the same time, I still love Corey and still think there is the potential for things to work out now. I kind of wonder how it can be both.
I tell myself that I am where I should be. That being married the way things were would have been a gigantic mistake. That I have a legitimate reason for the setbacks, that I have a real illness that I am only just starting to overcome. That there is no shame in being almost 28 years old and in a sort of rebuilding phase. That my life is my life and whatever anybody else is doing doesn't matter. That the deadlines are only in my head, and if I don't get married until I'm 35, so be it. That a new year is about to begin and that it and I am full of potential.
But still, that green eyed monster can be a pain.
I can name at least ten people I know (mostly college friends) who got married or engaged this year, and a few more that I know of but don't know well who did too. Two girls I went to college with got married within the last week alone. Honestly, no one who got married/engaged this year was anyone I'm super super close to, but still.
Let me say this: I am sincerely, from the bottom of my heart happy for every single one of my friends who got married or engaged this year. I really am. I wish them all nothing but the best.
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little. Or a lot. A lot is more accurate.
The thing is, even though I'm not in close contact with most of these people, we have a lot of mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook, I end up seeing pictures and hearing about the weddings and whatnot without even trying. And again, that's not really a bad thing, because hey, it's Facebook, and I would never ever ever expect anyone to not share their happiness just so that I wouldn't be sad, if that makes sense. But still, seeing all these beautiful wedding pictures of people so in love with one another . . . hurts. A lot. Mostly because . . . oh, it's hard to explain.
I never thought about marriage much before Corey. It wasn't something that particularly interested in me; I was indifferent to the idea. But then I met Corey and I fell in love with him and I realized how much I wanted that, and I thought I'd found it. I expected my name to be on the year of love list along with all the others, and then . . . well, you know the rest.
So it hurts, to see something that I got close to and then lost. One of the things that hurts the most is seeing my friends with people who genuinely love them. That probably doesn't make sense, but bear with me. I felt like that was what was missing from my relationship with Corey--I felt like I was madly in love with him and I was so excited to marry him, but I didn't feel like he felt the same towards me. And I WANT someone who loves me too. I want someone who is excited to marry me, who thinks he's lucky to be with me, who's nervous to propose to me, who wants to celebrate our engagement instead of just being indifferent to it, who is proud and honored to call himself my fiance--and I honestly never got that from Corey. Maybe at the very beginning but not much after. I realize that back then I probably wasn't really someone anyone would be proud to be with, but I damn sure am now. And maybe Corey did feel all those things and my perception was just off because of the mental illness . . . I don't know. The thing is, I see that kind of love in all of my friends' wedding pictures, and I think, THAT'S what I want. And I know now--and maybe I knew before the breakup ever happened--that that wasn't what I had. I think it may have had the potential to be that, but it wasn't quite there.
And it's not just the love that I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of how big a deal everyone else's engagements and wedding seem to be. I felt like no one really cared when Corey and I got engaged. No one threw us any engagement parties, no one even really congratulated us. And maybe it was because neither of us was really celebrating it, because things were going so poorly between us and all that, y'know? I don't know, all of this is such a jumble in my head that I probably shouldn't even be sharing it. But I'm jealous of having so many people to share it with, and that sucks.
I always imagined I'd come out of college with a decent sized social circle and a lot of friends I wanted to keep in touch with, and that we'd . . . sort of grow up together. I think that's a big thing that's missing from my life, because I really don't have a lot of friends. And I see these girls being in each other's weddings and just being friends, double dating with their husbands an whatnot . . . and that's probably what makes me the most jealous. I want that. The thing is, once I graduated college was when the bipolar really started to kick in and get bad so I pretty much dropped out socially. And then the rest of the bridges were burnt when I got with Corey, and now looking at it from a mentally healthy perspective, I regret a lot of things. (So if you're reading this and you're a college friend or sister, please know that chances are I still really like you, and I would love to reconnect in the new year).
Not to mention my 28th birthday is right around the corner. I feel like I should be waaaay ahead of where I am. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 28 years and my education and all that.
So it's just a little difficult. Like I said, I'm happy for everyone, but it kicks up all these thoughts in my head. And I remember how Corey never even wanted to plan our wedding and I start to wonder if I ever mattered to him at all; I remember how he didn't tell anyone about our engagement and how I felt like such a small part of his life when I should have been the most important. It's frustrating beyond belief--I can't even really put all of it into words. It's such a dichotomy in my head--I feel like I knew all along that things wouldn't work out the way they were, but at the same time, I still love Corey and still think there is the potential for things to work out now. I kind of wonder how it can be both.
I tell myself that I am where I should be. That being married the way things were would have been a gigantic mistake. That I have a legitimate reason for the setbacks, that I have a real illness that I am only just starting to overcome. That there is no shame in being almost 28 years old and in a sort of rebuilding phase. That my life is my life and whatever anybody else is doing doesn't matter. That the deadlines are only in my head, and if I don't get married until I'm 35, so be it. That a new year is about to begin and that it and I am full of potential.
But still, that green eyed monster can be a pain.
11.25.2012
Six Months & An Evaluation
Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
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I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
--------------------
Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
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So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
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I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
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Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
--------------------
So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
10.11.2012
Let Down
I did not get the job at Flagstaff Bone and Joint. They left me a voicemail today saying that they ended up not needing to hire anyone but that they'd keep my resume on file.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
9.19.2012
The Thing Is
Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately. I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to. I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him. The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real. Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way. Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again. I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
8.29.2012
Focus: Here and Now
I need to focus on the here and the now.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
8.03.2012
Why I Keep Trying
One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
7.17.2012
Graduate School
So here's the deal. Since my current degree probably won't get me a good job--at least not in AZ--I figured that I'd go ahead and go to graduate school. At this point it's only a thought, not 100% for sure. But I'm torn between 3 programs that all have different career paths. Here are the pros and cons of each.
Option A: MA in General English
This is a 36 credit hour program that would basically result in me having a more advanced version of the degree I have now.
PROS
Option B: MA in Early Childhood Education
Option A: MA in General English
This is a 36 credit hour program that would basically result in me having a more advanced version of the degree I have now.
PROS
- This is the subject matter in which I am genuinely interested; I LOVE English!
- Short program; I could finish it in 3 semesters easily.
- Would be advantageous in seeking a job in publishing or editing.
- As far as editing jobs go, most require experience; however a higher degree usually compensates for not having experience.
- Can be done completely online, so I could still work full time, and if I moved before I finished school it wouldn't be an issue.
CONS
- I don't actually know how useful this degree would be in job seeking or how I'd use it after I graduated. Granted I could research that more while I was in school but it's risky.
- Acceptance into this program requires 3 letters of recommendation; as I didn't really stay in touch with any of my professors from my undergrad, those would be a challenge to get.
- I'm not sure if I need a higher degree to end up working in editing or publishing. I can freelance edit for experience and references and work from there.
- What I really want to do is write creatively and I don't actually need a degree for that.
Option B: MA in Early Childhood Education
This program is 36 credit hours and . . . well, it's an education degree. With it I'd be able to teach babies through . . . I think 2nd grade?
PROS
- This one has a very clear job plan and a very clear career path. No question about how I'd use it after graduation or whether I'd use it.
- I could work anywhere in the country (because I'm not planning on staying in AZ forever).
- Offered online, so I could still work full time and location wouldn't be an issue.
- Short program; probably 3 semesters.
- Summers off. I know that is a totally ridiculous thing to point out (especially if you're a teacher and are reading this) but honestly, working as a teacher would give me summers to focus on my writing, and I like that--because whatever I end up doing I still want to be a novelist.
- My first job ever was as a gymnastics instructor working with younger kids, and I know that if I go into education this is the age group I want to work with.
- Easy application process--no letters of rec or anything like that.
CONS
- I don't actually know if I want to be a teacher. I've never been a huge fan of going into education, and I worry that I'm only doing it because I want a career of some kind, and that I'd hate it.
Option C: MA in Counseling
This is a 60 hour program and at the end of it, I could work as a LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor).
PROS
PROS
- Obviously this is something close to my heart. As someone who deals with mental illness personally I would love more than anything to help others going through it.
- My own history would lend me empathy; I could relate to my clients/patients better.
- I could get a job anywhere.
CONS
- Despite my desire to help others with these issues, I almost feel like, I've spent so much time fixing myself, I don't know that I really want to spend the rest of my life fixing others. Selfishly, I'd rather continue working on myself, if that makes sense.
- This is a long program. I'd probably be in for three years.
- Not offered online. I'd be locked into either Flagstaff, Tucson, or Phoenix. This also means I wouldn't be able to work--at least not full time, anyway--while I was in school, and that's a little scary.
- I don't know what the admissions requirements are (because the NAU grad website is complete crap now).
- I would not be able to start until Fall 2013.
OK, I think that's everything! If you know me, please give me advice, and even if you don't . . . I'd like advice from you too! And after you read this, feel free to vote in the little poll on the right.
Again, like I said, I really am up in the air about all of these, and while advice and poll results won't be the absolute deciding factor, I would love love love some input from outside of my own mind. :)
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