I would love to be able to say that this past week only got better after the flat tire fiasco.
But it didn't. It didn't really get any worse, though. Which I guess is a good thing.
Monday was the flat tire thing. Tuesday I started feeling sick (head cold/sinus infection kinda stuff). Wednesday I felt sicker and ended up being forced to deal with some financial unpleasantness . . . which is actually a good thing, in the long run, but still. Thursday I finished dealing with the money stuff and Jerbs left for Phoenix for Comic Con (after a long debacle of her bus being canceled and having to buy a last minute ticket on the airport shuttle), which was good for her but I'm not a huge fan of being alone. Friday I felt like absolute crap and had to stay late at work, so by the time I got home I was pretty dang miserable. Friday night I took some nighttime cold and cough medicine and slept incredibly well. Saturday my cold symptoms were mostly gone (yay!) but I had nighttime cold medicine hangover all day long, so I basically did nothing. The weather was nice, too, and I wasn't thrilled to be stuck inside when I'd have rather taken the dogs out hiking or something.
Today has been uneventful. I did laundry, cleaned, painted my toenails . . . all that usual Sunday stuff. Jerbs will be home late tonight (hopefully with a super awesome present for me) and I'm excited to see her.
Overall this past week was not the best one of my life. Not the worst either, I suppose.
Edited to Add: Jerbs got Nathan Fillion's autograph for me at PCC!! Freaking awesome present!
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
6.08.2014
4.19.2013
Spoiling Myself
Today was payday. And I have to admit that I spoiled myself a little. For good reason, though.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
3.08.2013
Payday: Goals
I got paid today. Which is exciting, but I feel like I need to do some responsible adult stuff with my money now.
My money habits have been a little out of control lately and I feel like I've been over spending. Granted, a good chunk of my money has gone towards things I legitimately needed, like new clothes, a bed, groceries, and giving Jerbs money for rent. Those are all good things.
My problem is spending small amounts without paying attention, if that makes sense. Like when I wander into New Frontiers everyday while I wait for the bus . . . I really just do it because standing outside for 15 minutes doing nothing seems lame, but I'll almost always end up buying some kind of treat or snack. Always something small, between like 3 and 7 dollars, and it's such a small amount that I don't think it's a big deal. But those little amounts add up really quickly and it's not pretty.
So my goal with this paycheck is to curb that sort of mindless spending and focus on only buying what I need or genuinely want. I also need to write out a budget so I know what I have to spend where.
I feel like my first two paychecks were for sort of catching up on things I needed, and now it's time to get serious about saving money and improving my credit.
Yay for being an adult.
My money habits have been a little out of control lately and I feel like I've been over spending. Granted, a good chunk of my money has gone towards things I legitimately needed, like new clothes, a bed, groceries, and giving Jerbs money for rent. Those are all good things.
My problem is spending small amounts without paying attention, if that makes sense. Like when I wander into New Frontiers everyday while I wait for the bus . . . I really just do it because standing outside for 15 minutes doing nothing seems lame, but I'll almost always end up buying some kind of treat or snack. Always something small, between like 3 and 7 dollars, and it's such a small amount that I don't think it's a big deal. But those little amounts add up really quickly and it's not pretty.
So my goal with this paycheck is to curb that sort of mindless spending and focus on only buying what I need or genuinely want. I also need to write out a budget so I know what I have to spend where.
I feel like my first two paychecks were for sort of catching up on things I needed, and now it's time to get serious about saving money and improving my credit.
Yay for being an adult.
2.16.2013
Grump Grump Grump
For some reason, I've been grumpy lately. Maybe lately is the wrong way to say it since it's only been since yesterday but still.
I just woke up in a bad mood yesterday. A really bad mood. I'd slept fine and through the night (so rare for me), but as soon as I was up I was just . . . really grouchy. For the first time since I started I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to talk to Jerbs or anything. I don't really know why . . . it was just kind of one of those things. I was OK at work and actually got a lot done but I just felt kind of off throughout. I was so excited to get off at noon and come home and take a nap. But then Jerbs got off early and I just felt weirdly annoyed with her . . . which is stupid because she hasn't done anything, and I felt bad.
I'm still a little grouchy. For the rest of the day, after work, when I wasn't sleeping (I took a 4 hour nap . . . good job), I just felt off. Kinda cranky, kinda down in the dumps, kinda panicky. Like I said, I'm not really sure why . . . I have some theories, though.
I think the day started out badly because I decided to sleep in and skip showering, and even though I always think it's a good idea at the time, it never is, because I end up getting to work and feeling gross and ugly next to the other girls. (I work almost exclusively with women . . . the only man who works in the business office is our CEO). And of course that's not a good experience so yeah. Plus I wore new shoes today (I finally found cute boots with a little heel!) and even though that's a good thing, I think the combo of feeling like I looked like shit and wearing cute shoes made me feel silly. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it's true . . . I felt like an ugly little kid trying to wear big girl shoes. (I love the shoes though).
Plus lately I've just felt . . . I don't know, weak and tired and sluggish and HUGE. I think it's because I haven't worked out in quite awhile, which is lame. Hopefully that'll change next week . . . the person I need to talk to about joining the gym was out yesterday and today, so I sent her an email today. I can't wait to get back in the groove of working out. I've also been craving bad things lately, and I've eaten out more times than I should have this past week. Granted one day was my birthday, and two days were treats for Jerbs, but I'd wanted those 3 to be it and that definitely hasn't happened. I am still under my goal for the month, so I'm going to try really hard to stop. And then there's the ridiculous Dr. Pepper craving. Lately I've just been feeling like I NEED soda, especially at work (maybe because I'm tired? I don't know). But I was doing so well, craving more water and all that, and now all of a sudden . . . not so much. (I am still drinking a lot of water, though, which is somewhat of a plus). I'm not even going to say how much Dr. Pepper I've had in the past week because it's just too pathetic to admit publicly.
Most of it's probably just that my time of the month is about to start. I hate it so much.
The panic is mostly over money. I admit I did a lot of spending with this paycheck. But it was almost completely on stuff I needed (like some new work clothes and shoes, groceries, household stuff, etc), and a big chunk of it was a rent check to Jerbs. And honestly I'm making enough money to support myself but the thing is, I have to pick up my Lithium tomorrow (which is my expensive medicine) AND I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday. Combined that's nearly $200, which sucks. But I try to remind myself that I'll very rarely have those two expenses happen out of the same check (I only have to go to the doctor every 3 months), and that I get paid again the day after my doctor's appt., so really, I'll be fine. Still, it's a little daunting.
So that's that. Hopefully I get to feeling better soon, and hopefully this cycle doesn't suck too badly.
I just woke up in a bad mood yesterday. A really bad mood. I'd slept fine and through the night (so rare for me), but as soon as I was up I was just . . . really grouchy. For the first time since I started I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to talk to Jerbs or anything. I don't really know why . . . it was just kind of one of those things. I was OK at work and actually got a lot done but I just felt kind of off throughout. I was so excited to get off at noon and come home and take a nap. But then Jerbs got off early and I just felt weirdly annoyed with her . . . which is stupid because she hasn't done anything, and I felt bad.
I'm still a little grouchy. For the rest of the day, after work, when I wasn't sleeping (I took a 4 hour nap . . . good job), I just felt off. Kinda cranky, kinda down in the dumps, kinda panicky. Like I said, I'm not really sure why . . . I have some theories, though.
I think the day started out badly because I decided to sleep in and skip showering, and even though I always think it's a good idea at the time, it never is, because I end up getting to work and feeling gross and ugly next to the other girls. (I work almost exclusively with women . . . the only man who works in the business office is our CEO). And of course that's not a good experience so yeah. Plus I wore new shoes today (I finally found cute boots with a little heel!) and even though that's a good thing, I think the combo of feeling like I looked like shit and wearing cute shoes made me feel silly. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it's true . . . I felt like an ugly little kid trying to wear big girl shoes. (I love the shoes though).
Plus lately I've just felt . . . I don't know, weak and tired and sluggish and HUGE. I think it's because I haven't worked out in quite awhile, which is lame. Hopefully that'll change next week . . . the person I need to talk to about joining the gym was out yesterday and today, so I sent her an email today. I can't wait to get back in the groove of working out. I've also been craving bad things lately, and I've eaten out more times than I should have this past week. Granted one day was my birthday, and two days were treats for Jerbs, but I'd wanted those 3 to be it and that definitely hasn't happened. I am still under my goal for the month, so I'm going to try really hard to stop. And then there's the ridiculous Dr. Pepper craving. Lately I've just been feeling like I NEED soda, especially at work (maybe because I'm tired? I don't know). But I was doing so well, craving more water and all that, and now all of a sudden . . . not so much. (I am still drinking a lot of water, though, which is somewhat of a plus). I'm not even going to say how much Dr. Pepper I've had in the past week because it's just too pathetic to admit publicly.
Most of it's probably just that my time of the month is about to start. I hate it so much.
The panic is mostly over money. I admit I did a lot of spending with this paycheck. But it was almost completely on stuff I needed (like some new work clothes and shoes, groceries, household stuff, etc), and a big chunk of it was a rent check to Jerbs. And honestly I'm making enough money to support myself but the thing is, I have to pick up my Lithium tomorrow (which is my expensive medicine) AND I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday. Combined that's nearly $200, which sucks. But I try to remind myself that I'll very rarely have those two expenses happen out of the same check (I only have to go to the doctor every 3 months), and that I get paid again the day after my doctor's appt., so really, I'll be fine. Still, it's a little daunting.
So that's that. Hopefully I get to feeling better soon, and hopefully this cycle doesn't suck too badly.
1.25.2013
I Got Money In The Bank
I got paid today! My first paycheck from MHC! It was incredibly exciting. I only got paid for my first three days of work (so like 20.2 hours) but still, money's money. Plus I didn't think we got paid until February 1st so finding out pay day was this week was pretty cool! And given that nothing has been deposited into my bank account since November (my last check from Hastings) it's a great feeling. So of course I treated Jerbs to a nice dinner out, and it was well worth it, even though I feel disgusting from how much I ate and don't want to see or hear about banana pudding for at least 6 months.
Aside from pay day, work is a little stressful right now. I mean, I'm still totally loving it and enjoying working there but . . . my boss boss was on vacation this past week. Before she left she made a training schedule for me, so everyone knew who I was supposed to be training with every day and what I was supposed to be learning. And then it all went to crap because one of the front desk girls is pregnant and got sick and is now out until further notice, which leaves the front desk short handed. To help out, the billing office took over eligibility verification, which is basically just making sure a patient has the insurance they say they do and finding out the details of the coverage so we know if they have a copay or deductible or whatever. It's not hard, but it is tedious and time consuming (we use insurance websites for verifying almost every plan so you have to log in and obviously I don't know any of the user names or passwords by heart so I have to look them up). So yeah, that's fun. Apparently the goal is to be two weeks ahead . . . and today I finished Monday and Tuesday of next week. So yeah. It's what I'll most likely be doing next week as well. At least, I hope it is, because for whatever reason I feel really driven to get it caught up, at least for next week, plus there's something weirdly satisfying about it.
So that's work. I really do love it, and I feel like such a grown up in my office! Well, my half an office. It's pretty awesome.
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In news not related to work, this past Thursday my mom had to have another one of our childhood pets put down. This time it was our big fluffy orange cat whose name was Monkey Orange but who we always called Fuzzy Puff. She was an old cat (I don't remember when we got her) who we adopted as a stray; my dad found her in our yard early one morning when he was going to work, and he let her in the garage, where she immediately started climbing the peg hooks on the walls. That's why she was named Monkey Orange. She was never a very cuddly cat but she was sweet, and I'm so sad that she's gone now. But at the same time, there was something wrong with her back legs (like maybe she had a stroke?) and she was in pain, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I'm sure she's in kitty heaven having a wonderful time and walking around just fine. R.I.P. Fuzzy Puff . . . you'll be missed and remembered.
Aside from pay day, work is a little stressful right now. I mean, I'm still totally loving it and enjoying working there but . . . my boss boss was on vacation this past week. Before she left she made a training schedule for me, so everyone knew who I was supposed to be training with every day and what I was supposed to be learning. And then it all went to crap because one of the front desk girls is pregnant and got sick and is now out until further notice, which leaves the front desk short handed. To help out, the billing office took over eligibility verification, which is basically just making sure a patient has the insurance they say they do and finding out the details of the coverage so we know if they have a copay or deductible or whatever. It's not hard, but it is tedious and time consuming (we use insurance websites for verifying almost every plan so you have to log in and obviously I don't know any of the user names or passwords by heart so I have to look them up). So yeah, that's fun. Apparently the goal is to be two weeks ahead . . . and today I finished Monday and Tuesday of next week. So yeah. It's what I'll most likely be doing next week as well. At least, I hope it is, because for whatever reason I feel really driven to get it caught up, at least for next week, plus there's something weirdly satisfying about it.
So that's work. I really do love it, and I feel like such a grown up in my office! Well, my half an office. It's pretty awesome.
--------------------
In news not related to work, this past Thursday my mom had to have another one of our childhood pets put down. This time it was our big fluffy orange cat whose name was Monkey Orange but who we always called Fuzzy Puff. She was an old cat (I don't remember when we got her) who we adopted as a stray; my dad found her in our yard early one morning when he was going to work, and he let her in the garage, where she immediately started climbing the peg hooks on the walls. That's why she was named Monkey Orange. She was never a very cuddly cat but she was sweet, and I'm so sad that she's gone now. But at the same time, there was something wrong with her back legs (like maybe she had a stroke?) and she was in pain, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I'm sure she's in kitty heaven having a wonderful time and walking around just fine. R.I.P. Fuzzy Puff . . . you'll be missed and remembered.
12.13.2012
Sometimes I Just Want to Rip Out My Hair
Today was one of those days. Just one of those days where I woke up in a fine mood but at some point shortly after I was awake, my mood started to go downhill.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
11.24.2012
Lately
I finally admitted defeat in the air bed battle. I deflated the bed and now I'm just sleeping on the floor on top of it. It's actually not too bad. I sleep for longer chunks of time because I don't wake up every 20 minutes needing to re-inflate the stupid thing, and it's kind of a relief to know I'm not bugging the neighbors with the sound of the inflating or anything. Most mornings I wake up when Jerbs leaves and I go in her bed for a few hours, which is always nice. At this point I'm just keeping my eyes out for a good deal on a mattress/box spring set.
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I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
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Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
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I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
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I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
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Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
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Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
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I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
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Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
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I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
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I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
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Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
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Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
10.20.2012
Broken Down
The past 36 hours have been a crappy day and a half mental health wise. I've just been very anxious and down.
--I saw an old college acquaintance at work Friday night. It was near the end of my shift; she came through my register but didn't remember me. Which was fine, because we didn't know each other well at all. But I recognized her, and her last name had changed on her rental account, because she's married now. And her husband was with her, and another couple, and it just . . . well, things like that hurt. Seeing other people who are living a life that's closer to what I want and closer to where I think I should be, if that makes sense. It hurts more now because I feel like I got THIS close to that and failed. And it just kind of depressed me.
--Anxiety attack because the Christmas music section is set up work. (Aside from the anxiety I think it's a bit early . . . we should at least wait until the day after Halloween). Normally I love Christmas and am thrilled when I start to see the signs of it everywhere but this year . . . well, this year I just want to skip all the holidays. Fast forward to March of 2013 and let that be that. I think the reasons are obvious.
--This was NAU's Homecoming weekend, which makes me extremely anxious for a few different reasons. I think some of it might be too personal to get into but let me just say that I don't have a lot of fond memories of my college days. Really, looking back on that time just stresses me out and depresses me. And it being Homecoming is just a reminder that my life has gone completely not as expected in a lot of bad ways. I don't have any close friends from college--I really don't. I don't have anyone to go to Homecoming with, or a husband I can take with me to the game and introduce to my old friends. A very small chunk of that has to do with Corey. And it's also difficult for some other relationship related reasons--but those I know are better left for my private journal. I just wish things had gone differently. And I know it's harder because I'm here in Flagstaff, and that if I was in Kingman, away from the college town setting, and living a happy life with the person I love, I'd be fine with it. Sucks.
--Anxiety attack about money. I don't even think I need to elaborate on this one. I know this wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know I had to get more lab work done. I hate having these disorders that require so much attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be better, and I want to be healthy but . . . I'm not in a position where that's an easy thing to do. It gets stressful.
--Guilt. I don't want to go into detail but there's something I'm feeling very guilty about right now. I might elaborate later.
--Corey. In three conversations at work (one Friday, two Saturday), I talked about him to co-workers. Nothing bad or anything, and it was in a way that came naturally--it wasn't like I wanted to talk about him and forced the subject so I could. Not at all. And it just . . . made me miss him so much. And I just felt lonely and combined with everything else . . . I don't know. I'm just so sad, still, about the whole thing. So heart broken. I still love him and care for him so much and right now this whole thing is just so damn painful.
Right now I just feel broken. I'm scared that I'm feeling this way, because I have been doing incredibly well with my Lithium intake--in the time since I got my prescription refilled, I have only missed one dose*. So . . . I don't know, I guess a part of me is like, shouldn't I be fine? But then I remind myself that I'm dealing with a lot of stress at the moment--money (totally legit stress factor), work (hours, issues with co-workers), health needs (lab work), sleep issues (I'm having bed problems at the moment). And lack of sleep is never a good thing for my moods. Plus I could be starting my PMDD cycle; it's the right time for it, but at the same time, last month it started a little later and was a lot milder so . . . I don't know. Maybe I was just less stressed last month?
Silver lining: I didn't have an actual breakdown today. No rage, no throwing things, no wanting to pull my hair out. I didn't even cry. And I fully expected to; the way I felt when I left work today, my plan was get home, eat lunch, have myself a good cry, take a nap. And I skipped the crying part which is a good thing. So it's definitely a far cry from where I was before.
Hopefully I get to feeling better soon. I don't like this.
*One dose=half my daily intake of Lithium.
10.09.2012
Snowball
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but, sometimes when one thing happens to tick me off, it snowballs and all of a sudden all I can think about is EVERYTHING I'm ticked off about.
That's what's going on right now. I was in a fine mood up until like a half an hour ago.
What started it was bad news. I was looking at the Kingman newspaper's website and on the front page, one of the obituaries was for the husband of a close friend. I was shocked and sad. This friend is a former teacher of mine; she was my junior high band director and we played together in the community orchestra. She is the reason I didn't give up music; she is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She was so glad when I came back and re-joined the orchestra, and it was amazing for me to get to know her on a social level. She now teaches 1st grade at the school where Ex-Fiance teaches and she was one of his biggest allies last year when he was so miserable, and they're now good friends.
I'm sad for her, obviously, for losing her husband. But it's also so frustrating to not be there for something this big, y'know? It's frustrating to me that someone I've known for so long is going through something and I had no idea--but Ex-Fiance knew, and she and Ex-Fiance have probably talked about it. And it's this hugely awful anxiety inducing feeling that Ex-Fiance is living my life, that just because he and I broke up means I don't have a right to my home town or the people in it. Some of those people I've known for nearly 2 decades for fuck's sake.
And I'm mad that Ex-Fiance didn't bother calling or texting me to let me know. He knows that this woman and I are close, he knows that I miss her . . . it's like he wants to keep that life for himself and it feels so not fucking fair. It's kind of a sharp reminder of what the reality is--that I can imagine and hope all I want that Ex-Fiance and I are just taking a break and that we'll eventually get back together but that the truth is he doesn't give a flying fuck about me and we are done done done.
So I was in a bad mood over that, and I knew I needed to just calm down and go to bed. While I was getting ready for bed I checked my voicemails, and one was from my psychiatrist's office from a few days ago. It was kinda mean and basically said that they're closing my chart if I don't schedule an appointment within 30 days.
First of all let me say that I tried to call them twice yesterday to set up an appointment and both times I got their voicemail. Second of all, I don't think they realize how difficult my financial situation actually is. My last paycheck was $111, which doesn't even cover the cost of one half hour appointment with my psychiatrist. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist but it's like, when I don't make enough in a full two week pay period to cover an appointment, shouldn't I get a little bit of a fucking break?
And then, naturally, I was thinking about how I can't afford it, and I remembered that I still haven't heard back from the awesome interview place and I just got frustrated. I want that job SO BADLY and I'm so disappointed that I misinterpreted it. I'm frustrated about this situation in general. I've been up here for a few months now and I feel like I've hardly moved as far as self improvement.
Anyway, that's my rant for the night. I'm already starting to calm down, but now all I can think about is how badly I want to see Ex-Fiance and how much I still want to be with him.
I need to go to bed.
That's what's going on right now. I was in a fine mood up until like a half an hour ago.
What started it was bad news. I was looking at the Kingman newspaper's website and on the front page, one of the obituaries was for the husband of a close friend. I was shocked and sad. This friend is a former teacher of mine; she was my junior high band director and we played together in the community orchestra. She is the reason I didn't give up music; she is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She was so glad when I came back and re-joined the orchestra, and it was amazing for me to get to know her on a social level. She now teaches 1st grade at the school where Ex-Fiance teaches and she was one of his biggest allies last year when he was so miserable, and they're now good friends.
I'm sad for her, obviously, for losing her husband. But it's also so frustrating to not be there for something this big, y'know? It's frustrating to me that someone I've known for so long is going through something and I had no idea--but Ex-Fiance knew, and she and Ex-Fiance have probably talked about it. And it's this hugely awful anxiety inducing feeling that Ex-Fiance is living my life, that just because he and I broke up means I don't have a right to my home town or the people in it. Some of those people I've known for nearly 2 decades for fuck's sake.
And I'm mad that Ex-Fiance didn't bother calling or texting me to let me know. He knows that this woman and I are close, he knows that I miss her . . . it's like he wants to keep that life for himself and it feels so not fucking fair. It's kind of a sharp reminder of what the reality is--that I can imagine and hope all I want that Ex-Fiance and I are just taking a break and that we'll eventually get back together but that the truth is he doesn't give a flying fuck about me and we are done done done.
So I was in a bad mood over that, and I knew I needed to just calm down and go to bed. While I was getting ready for bed I checked my voicemails, and one was from my psychiatrist's office from a few days ago. It was kinda mean and basically said that they're closing my chart if I don't schedule an appointment within 30 days.
First of all let me say that I tried to call them twice yesterday to set up an appointment and both times I got their voicemail. Second of all, I don't think they realize how difficult my financial situation actually is. My last paycheck was $111, which doesn't even cover the cost of one half hour appointment with my psychiatrist. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist but it's like, when I don't make enough in a full two week pay period to cover an appointment, shouldn't I get a little bit of a fucking break?
And then, naturally, I was thinking about how I can't afford it, and I remembered that I still haven't heard back from the awesome interview place and I just got frustrated. I want that job SO BADLY and I'm so disappointed that I misinterpreted it. I'm frustrated about this situation in general. I've been up here for a few months now and I feel like I've hardly moved as far as self improvement.
Anyway, that's my rant for the night. I'm already starting to calm down, but now all I can think about is how badly I want to see Ex-Fiance and how much I still want to be with him.
I need to go to bed.
10.04.2012
Lowlights and Highlights
Lowlights of today:
--I'm sick. Stuffy nose, massive sinus pressure between my eyes, itchy face, plugged ears, chest congestion, sore throat, cough. It sucks and is very lame.
--My paycheck was tiiiiiiiny. I seriously spent the whole thing today between treating Jerbs to lunch, buying my weekly groceries, and picking up my Lithium prescription. (My Li prescription is the expensive one).
--I still haven't heard anything from the job; I think I'm going to give them a call tomorrow just to touch base because . . . well, because I really have a good feeling about it.
--The bus was obnoxious. Especially the ride on route 4 to the transfer station to get home, which was held up because of people who had no idea what they were doing and took 5 minutes to get on, and had one passenger who was an overweight woman telling another passenger all about the infection she got between the folds of her skin. (Seriously, ick. Indoor voices!)
--Hauling groceries home on the bus just kinda isn't fun. Especially when you're sick.
Highlights of today:
--Suit kid. There was this kid on the bus who was no more than 11 or 12, and he was wearing a 3 piece suit and tie, and carrying a lunchbox and a briefcase. He just kept checking his watch and it was hilarious. Jerbs in particular was highly entertained and we imagined him thinking things like, "Today is just not my day . . . Lost the Miller account, and Mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J."
--Even though it's expensive it's good to have my Lithium. And I was able to buy it myself so that's good.
--Jerbs bought me cough drop and Tylenol Cold/Cough, which seems to have helped a little.
I think that's it. I'm gong to take some drugs and hit the sack . . . I feel like poo.
--I'm sick. Stuffy nose, massive sinus pressure between my eyes, itchy face, plugged ears, chest congestion, sore throat, cough. It sucks and is very lame.
--My paycheck was tiiiiiiiny. I seriously spent the whole thing today between treating Jerbs to lunch, buying my weekly groceries, and picking up my Lithium prescription. (My Li prescription is the expensive one).
--I still haven't heard anything from the job; I think I'm going to give them a call tomorrow just to touch base because . . . well, because I really have a good feeling about it.
--The bus was obnoxious. Especially the ride on route 4 to the transfer station to get home, which was held up because of people who had no idea what they were doing and took 5 minutes to get on, and had one passenger who was an overweight woman telling another passenger all about the infection she got between the folds of her skin. (Seriously, ick. Indoor voices!)
--Hauling groceries home on the bus just kinda isn't fun. Especially when you're sick.
Highlights of today:
--Suit kid. There was this kid on the bus who was no more than 11 or 12, and he was wearing a 3 piece suit and tie, and carrying a lunchbox and a briefcase. He just kept checking his watch and it was hilarious. Jerbs in particular was highly entertained and we imagined him thinking things like, "Today is just not my day . . . Lost the Miller account, and Mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J."
--Even though it's expensive it's good to have my Lithium. And I was able to buy it myself so that's good.
--Jerbs bought me cough drop and Tylenol Cold/Cough, which seems to have helped a little.
I think that's it. I'm gong to take some drugs and hit the sack . . . I feel like poo.
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