I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my and Jerbs' next door neighbor here before. Basically, she's a horrible, horrible person, who is miserable and hates everyone and everything and wants everyone around her to be miserable as well. I've never heard anyone complain as much as she does, and I've never even had a conversation with this woman; it's all just been overheard either when I leave and she's home, or when she's coming home and yelling at someone on the phone as she stomps up the stairs. (And when I say stomps, I mean it . . . our walls literally shake every time this bitch comes home, it sucks). We call her Stompy. Also, she always has her window open, and she makes all of her phone calls on speaker phone, so if our window is open, and we're quiet, we can hear everything.
So anyway, we hate her, and for the past year, we've lived in a state of perpetually wishing she'd just move out. And last night, it got a lot worse.
This whole past week seems to have been bad for Stompy. On Monday, people moved into the apartment under her. On Tuesday, when Jerbs was home, she had to call emergency maintenance for something. Jerbs said they were there for awhile, and that she could hear Stompy bitching at them through the walls the whole time. That same day, the new neighbors apparently went out, and their dog (or dogs?) was making noise. Jerbs was here, and could hear the dog scratching and whining, but she said it wasn't that bad. But sure enough, at some point in the afternoon, she heard Stompy call the cops on the owners. The cops ended up not coming, because they know that woman's fucking nuts and overreacts to everything. On Wednesday, she had maintenance in her apartment again. Then yesterday, while I was at work, Jerbs overheard a conversation that was basically Stompy screaming at her disability case worker (apparently she's on disability, and it was disability that placed her here). Anyway, she was screaming at her case worker about how this place is horrible and there's tons of noise pollution (which is BS, this is actually a really quiet complex when you're not, y'know, totally fucking insane), and how she can't ever sleep (because she has a weird sleep schedule in which she sleeps during the day, which makes no sense because she doesn't work), and how it's just as bad as the last few places they put her (which really makes it seem like she's the problem), and how she wants to be moved to somewhere else ASAP. Which of course would be awesome. Jerbs texted me all this.
Then last night . . . good Lord. It was around 10:30 and we heard someone come up the stairs and knock on her door. It was emergency maintenance. Which made us laugh. But we really didn't think anything of it. Then, around 11, I went to get ready for bed. So I'm in the bedroom, sitting on my bed, putting on chapstick, when I hear someone screaming, "Call 911!! Call 911!! Call 911!!" And I hear Jerbs saying, in response, "OK, I'll call them, just calm down . . ." So of course I freaked out. I honestly thought something was on fire, so I ran out to the living room, where I found Jerbs, on her cell phone, clearly trying not to laugh.
Apparently, the maintenance guy hit a water main in Stompy's apartment, which caused her apartment to flood. And in the mind of Stompy, the appropriate response to this was to run onto our porch, screaming for us to call 911. (Bear in mind, too, that maintenance was IN HER APARTMENT when this happened, so really, the correct type of help was already there). But Jerbs did call 911, and they sent out some firefighters, who left very, very pissed off after about 10 minutes of establishing that there was nothing they could do and that our neighbor is a moron.
I was so freaking mad. Seriously, you do NOT scream for someone to call 911 because your apartment is flooding. It was ridiculous. It's aggravating that after all the time she's bitched about us, she ran to us expecting help, first of all. Not to mention that calling 911 for that was a complete and utter waste of emergency services. Needless to say, my adrenaline was pumping after that (I work in a cardiology clinic . . . when someone screams for you to call 911 like that, it means someone is freaking dying), and I absolutely couldn't sleep. I think I finally dozed off around 2 in the morning, which was super awesome when my alarm went off at 6. I ended up skipping my shower and sleeping an extra hour, which didn't really help much.
On top of all that, I had to stay the full day at MHC today, and cover the front desk from 1--5. I didn't leave work until almost 6, and after that I was at SHF until 8. Which basically means I worked a 12 hour day on 5 hours of sleep. I am EXHAUSTED.
Thank goodness I'm on vacation all next week!!!
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
1.09.2015
11.09.2014
My Poor Neglected Little Blog
I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
12.21.2012
Just An Update
Four days until Christmas, and I still have zero holiday spirit. I'm trying, I really am, but even with all the Corey crap aside, it just doesn't feel like the holidays this year. I've got all my little ornaments ready to be given out and travel plans are somewhat finalized (so I get to go home, yay!) but . . . somehow it's all just making me anxious. I think I know why (aside from what I've already said) and I need to vent about it but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it here yet. I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also dreading it, just because there's so much to do before I leave and it stresses me out. I also just kind of don't like being away from home, and right now, Jerbs' place is the closest thing to home I have, y'know? But I'm sure it'll be fine. I feel like I'm kind of taking this year off. I feel like next year at Christmas time I will definitely be more stable than I am now so I'll see how I feel about the holidays then. Maybe that Christmas magic will come back, maybe it won't; maybe I'll be with him, maybe I won't. Either way, I'll be in a more defined place than I am now. If I get back into the Christmas spirit, I plan on starting over--saving the most sentimental/meaningful ornaments and stuff in my (extensive) Christmas collection and donating the rest, just so that it's all MINE, not things I shared with him. Even if he and I do get back together, I want to start over. Keep nothing except the sentimental stuff from that bad part of our relationship.
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Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college. It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester). Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her. It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW). I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her. In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her. (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!) I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
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Things could be looking up in the employment area. I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
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I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected. That was a pleasant experience. However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me. How freaking sad is that??? I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer. Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
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**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.
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Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college. It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester). Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her. It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW). I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her. In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her. (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!) I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
--------------------
Things could be looking up in the employment area. I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
--------------------
I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected. That was a pleasant experience. However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me. How freaking sad is that??? I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer. Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
--------------------
**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.
12.01.2012
Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts
I've been feeling blah lately. I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed. I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon. I just hate it. I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube. Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.
Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now. It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia. Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad. I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work. Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out. I think it's because of the bed situation. I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks. It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much. I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know? Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor. Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon. Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move. (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).
I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately. When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that. And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.
So basically I took this past week off. I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything. Just some job apps and I started working on a short story. That's about it. I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.
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I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable. Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it. Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable. So I missed two seasons of DWTS. Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's. So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online.
I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar. Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011. And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey. And I just . . . I remembered that night. With him.
If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried. Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life. And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah. But I really didn't feel that. (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).
11.07.2012
A Much Better Trip To K-town
I went to Kingman this past weekend. I was there from Friday until Monday. I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about going, just because my last visit sucked so badly.
--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her. It was really cute. He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's. It was too funny. We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.
But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman. It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.
This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back. I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too. Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.
I had a great time. I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together. We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath). We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer. I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.
--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her. It was really cute. He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's. It was too funny. We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.
--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.
--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.
--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights! On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night. Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.
--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.
--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents. They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents? Nice mama! Nice mama!" Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama! Bad mama!" Too funny.
--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house. Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
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Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
---------------
Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
9.23.2012
Crushed
So I went to Kingman for a couple of reasons. Obviously I wanted to see my family and hang out with Saucy, and I planned to pick up some boxes at my old house--like my winter clothes because it's getting pretty cold up here and all that.
And I wanted to see Ex-Fiance. I've just been missing him so much lately and I've been wanting to see him. So on Thursday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner on Friday.
And wouldn't you know it . . . I chose the one weekend he was going out of town to Chinle. And it just depressed me, because I don't know when I'll make it to Kingman again.
But things were OK until I had to go to the house and get my stuff. I'd been dreading it and the butterflies in my stomach as we (Austin and I) pulled up to the house were intense. My mom met me there and in the end I couldn't even go in the house--I gave her my keys and told her to just open the garage.
She did, and seeing all of my stuff piled there--including the bookcase and desk I'd told Ex-Fiance he could keep using--just made me sick. Like, it made me physically ill. I just wanted to be done with it and I tore through there, grabbed the boxes I needed and got the hell out. It was awful.
I hadn't expected it to be easy. I knew it was going to be a difficult experience, and that's one reason I was so disappointed that Ex-Fiance wasn't there--I'd thought it would be a little easier to do if there was a sense of friendliness between us, if that makes sense. Seeing all of my boxes piled up like that brought back how it felt to be packing them and dreading moving and all the other bad things from when we first broke up--and those are the feelings I've been working very, very hard to get past.
It was a horrible experience and I just wanted to get out of Kingman at that point. I'd planned to stay until Sunday afternoon, but on Friday night, I got to thinking I might leave Saturday night, and the whole getting my stuff thing cemented it. (And then that made me feel guilty for leaving early because I felt like I was abandoning my family, and then I felt some of the anger towards Ex-Fiance come back).
Plus I think my PMDD cycle has started so that did not help things at all.
I just felt crushed afterwards. I felt completely emotionally destroyed. I felt like I had made no progress whatsoever and I was right back at square one, right where I'd been when I left. I felt defeated.
I'd been expecting something different. I'd thought Ex-Fiance and I would have dinner on Friday night and that things would feel friendly between us, and that alone was something I was looking forward to. I was looking forward to the silence being broken. And if that had happened it wouldn't have felt quite so awful to go over there on Saturday and get my things.
I'd also been hoping, in the very back of my mind, that seeing each other face to face after a couple months might spark a conversation about us. And losing that made me feel a bit panicky, I guess--the longer we go without discussing anything the more worried I am about it. But I'll elaborate on that later.
But there IS a silver lining. As crushed and sad and all that as I felt, I didn't have an actual breakdown. Those negative emotions were intense but not breakdown intense--just normal woman dealing with a breakup and still being in love with an ex emotions. So that, at least, is good.
9.01.2012
2 Months
As of today I've been back in Flagstaff for two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
7.03.2012
Flagstaff Days 1 and 2
Well, I have survived my first two full days in Flagstaff, without Ex-Fiance.
Yesterday was really good. I slept in and then went out via the bus. I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle. (I love Chipotle). Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.
I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman. I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down. But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like. I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic. There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave. And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here. But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable. I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be. I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community. I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential. Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense. Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential. Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still. While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.
There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance. Or away from our relationship, maybe. I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life. I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized. That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak. And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out. If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it. Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.
It's also about context, though. I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me. I don't ever feel like I have to impress her. With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect. And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other. And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.
Don't get me wrong. I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually. But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.
Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped. I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke. Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.
Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good. Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around. It was fun. We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking). And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.
So it's been better than expected so far. There have been some frustrations. One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with. Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time. So weird. And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet. In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week. So that SUCKS. I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money. I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind. I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.
Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know? It depresses me a little. It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance. So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something. Very strange.
Anyway. That's all for now.
Yesterday was really good. I slept in and then went out via the bus. I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle. (I love Chipotle). Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.
I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman. I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down. But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like. I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic. There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave. And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here. But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable. I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be. I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community. I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential. Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense. Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential. Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still. While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.
There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance. Or away from our relationship, maybe. I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life. I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized. That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak. And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out. If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it. Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.
It's also about context, though. I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me. I don't ever feel like I have to impress her. With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect. And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other. And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.
Don't get me wrong. I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually. But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.
Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped. I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke. Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.
Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good. Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around. It was fun. We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking). And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.
So it's been better than expected so far. There have been some frustrations. One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with. Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time. So weird. And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet. In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week. So that SUCKS. I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money. I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind. I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.
Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know? It depresses me a little. It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance. So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something. Very strange.
Anyway. That's all for now.
6.23.2012
It's Not Fair
Sometimes I feel like this is just not fair.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
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