It's the first of May! And in my mind that means it's officially summer. (Not that you'd have thought that if you went outside in Flagstaff today, but whatever). I used to dread summer something fierce, and even though I'm not looking forward to the Arizona heat, I am kind of excited for summer this year.
I think of summer as May 1st to August 31st. That's 122 days, and I have high hopes for those 122 days this year.
I am going to go outside. I'm going to hike and swim and bike and be active and get fit.
I am going to take the dogs on lots of long walks and adventures.
I am going to paint my nails awesome summer colors.
I am going to wear my giant sunglasses and drive around with my sun roof open and my radio set to the country station.
I am going to hang out in Kingman with my family, and with friends in Phoenix.
I am going to read and write and paint and sew.
I am going to save money.
I am going to find a new doctor and get back on track treatment wise.
I am going to get a tattoo.
I am going to climb a mountain (like last year!).
I am going to take lots of pictures.
It's going to be awesome.
5.01.2014
Weigh In # 5 (2014)
Weight: 186.4
BMI: 33.0
I lost 1.6 pounds in April. So not super fantastic and not the most I'm capable of but . . . well, a loss is a loss, right?
April was pretty much like every other month this year. I started out all determined to do well and kick ass and then I repeatedly failed. I hate that about myself and I just don't understand why I do it. I feel like it's probably some random little offshoot of my mental health issues that, for some reason, I just haven't been able to resolve yet.
I will say, though, that even with such a tiny loss, I feel like I'm getting smaller and more toned. I didn't have time to take my measurements this morning so I'm not sure where I stand inch wise. And even though my April challenge didn't go as well as I'd intended, the little chart thing I made to track it did help. I mean, I can say I'm disappointed in how I did all I want, but seeing how little I worked out and how much I ate fast food and went over my calorie goal written out in black and white is pretty eye opening. I can't really look at that and be terribly surprised at my results.
I am setting the same goals for May that I did for April: Work out 4 times a week, eat out once a week, reduce the Dr. Pepper, and focus on staying within my calorie goals.
BMI: 33.0
I lost 1.6 pounds in April. So not super fantastic and not the most I'm capable of but . . . well, a loss is a loss, right?
April was pretty much like every other month this year. I started out all determined to do well and kick ass and then I repeatedly failed. I hate that about myself and I just don't understand why I do it. I feel like it's probably some random little offshoot of my mental health issues that, for some reason, I just haven't been able to resolve yet.
I will say, though, that even with such a tiny loss, I feel like I'm getting smaller and more toned. I didn't have time to take my measurements this morning so I'm not sure where I stand inch wise. And even though my April challenge didn't go as well as I'd intended, the little chart thing I made to track it did help. I mean, I can say I'm disappointed in how I did all I want, but seeing how little I worked out and how much I ate fast food and went over my calorie goal written out in black and white is pretty eye opening. I can't really look at that and be terribly surprised at my results.
I am setting the same goals for May that I did for April: Work out 4 times a week, eat out once a week, reduce the Dr. Pepper, and focus on staying within my calorie goals.
4.26.2014
Wait What?
Y'know how I said I was looking forward to summer? Yeah, it snowed today. All day long. It didn't really stick so there wasn't much accumulation but still. So I spent the day pretty much doing nothing. The snow made me want to hibernate. But hey, that's what Saturdays are for, right?
Yesterday, though, Jerbs and I went shopping and had sushi for dinner at Karma, and that was nice.
Mentally and emotionally I'm still feeling a little off.
I'm also in the mood to purge and organize and redecorate the apartment. Last weekend I shampooed the carpet in the bedroom and living room (just the spots that needed it, not the whole room) so that was good. I'd planned to work on more stuff like that this weekend but . . . yeah, snow and stuff.
I also still have a lot of stuff in mind to write here, but I don't feel up to it.
Yesterday, though, Jerbs and I went shopping and had sushi for dinner at Karma, and that was nice.
Mentally and emotionally I'm still feeling a little off.
I'm also in the mood to purge and organize and redecorate the apartment. Last weekend I shampooed the carpet in the bedroom and living room (just the spots that needed it, not the whole room) so that was good. I'd planned to work on more stuff like that this weekend but . . . yeah, snow and stuff.
I also still have a lot of stuff in mind to write here, but I don't feel up to it.
4.22.2014
So
It's been 3 weeks since I wrote anything here. I think that's the longest I've gone without blogging since I started back in 2012.
Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle. Not consistently, it's been up and down. Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days. In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting? I'll write more about that part of it later. For now, a general catch up.
It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do. (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though). It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff. Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious. Hollie loves to run and she's fast! Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.
But it's great having Hollie here. Adopting her was definitely a great decision. She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her. She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome. She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max. Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her. He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved. In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday. It made me so happy. We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well. I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive. I love it. The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious. Like I said, definitely a great decision.
My little April fitness challenge is going so so. I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK. Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff. Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good. My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice. Slow but steady. I'm making small improvements as I feel able to. I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too. And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part. Weekends are still tricky but no big deal. One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful. Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right? I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.
Work is good right now. Busy and at times frustrating but good. I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well. And really, the frustration is really passing. When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later. So whatever. I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.
I think that's about it. For the moment, anyhow.
Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle. Not consistently, it's been up and down. Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days. In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting? I'll write more about that part of it later. For now, a general catch up.
It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do. (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though). It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff. Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious. Hollie loves to run and she's fast! Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.
But it's great having Hollie here. Adopting her was definitely a great decision. She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her. She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome. She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max. Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her. He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved. In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday. It made me so happy. We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well. I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive. I love it. The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious. Like I said, definitely a great decision.
My little April fitness challenge is going so so. I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK. Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff. Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good. My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice. Slow but steady. I'm making small improvements as I feel able to. I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too. And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part. Weekends are still tricky but no big deal. One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful. Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right? I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.
Work is good right now. Busy and at times frustrating but good. I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well. And really, the frustration is really passing. When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later. So whatever. I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.
I think that's about it. For the moment, anyhow.
4.02.2014
Introducing Hollie
This is Hollie. She's been with us for almost 2 weeks now, I just haven't had the chance to write about her.
I know Benji hasn't been gone very long, and I want to say that Hollie is in no way meant to replace him. I mean, Benji's irreplaceable anyway, but you know what I mean. A week or so after Benji died I started thinking about it, because A)I feel like if you have room to rescue a dog, you most definitely should, and B)Max was lonely. Seriously, I never realized how much he liked having Benji around, because they didn't really interact all that much, but Max was really bummed without him here. So I decided that IF I found a nice little adult dog that Max got along really well with I'd think about it. I found a couple dogs on Pet Finder that I wanted to meet but they kept getting adopted before I could.
Then the Wednesday before last I wandered into PetSmart on my lunch break (because I never eat on my lunch break, but I needed to get out of the office), and the Humane Society was there with Hollie. At first I thought she was a big breed puppy, but then I heard one of the volunteers say something about her being older, and it turned out she's 3. Same age as Max. I got to let her out of her crate, and she climbed into my lap and licked my face. So she definitely seemed to take to me. She was super super sweet and calm, and I walked her around the store and left thinking about it.
The next day Jerbs came with me to meet her, and liked her. I also found out then that she was found as a stray in Holbrook, and that she'd recently had puppies. They weren't able to find her puppies, though, which is depressing. She's a doberman blue heeler mix (they think).
Then on Friday I took Max to PetSmart to meet her. I wasn't expecting much but they actually did fine with each other. They didn't become best friends or anything, but Max didn't growl or snap either, which is a huge deal for him. So I decided to adopt her. She had to go get spayed and everything at the vet, which ended up being a huge ordeal because she had a nasty uterine infection (which would have killed her had I not adopted her and gotten her to the vet). I got to bring her home on Monday, the 24th.
She also had worms, and she's having a little trouble adjusting to having constant access to food (she tends to overeat and then puke, which is just lovely). But she's only peed in the house a couple times, and all but one of them was on the puppy pads we put down at night. When we left her alone for the first time she didn't destroy anything, didn't have a potty accident in the house, and was quiet! She's been going up and down the stairs on her own since the day after she came home. She also goes to the bathroom outside like a champ. So really she's leaps and bounds ahead of where Max was at that point. (Not that I don't love Max but still).
 |
| At PetSmart when I first met her. |
I know Benji hasn't been gone very long, and I want to say that Hollie is in no way meant to replace him. I mean, Benji's irreplaceable anyway, but you know what I mean. A week or so after Benji died I started thinking about it, because A)I feel like if you have room to rescue a dog, you most definitely should, and B)Max was lonely. Seriously, I never realized how much he liked having Benji around, because they didn't really interact all that much, but Max was really bummed without him here. So I decided that IF I found a nice little adult dog that Max got along really well with I'd think about it. I found a couple dogs on Pet Finder that I wanted to meet but they kept getting adopted before I could.
Then the Wednesday before last I wandered into PetSmart on my lunch break (because I never eat on my lunch break, but I needed to get out of the office), and the Humane Society was there with Hollie. At first I thought she was a big breed puppy, but then I heard one of the volunteers say something about her being older, and it turned out she's 3. Same age as Max. I got to let her out of her crate, and she climbed into my lap and licked my face. So she definitely seemed to take to me. She was super super sweet and calm, and I walked her around the store and left thinking about it.
The next day Jerbs came with me to meet her, and liked her. I also found out then that she was found as a stray in Holbrook, and that she'd recently had puppies. They weren't able to find her puppies, though, which is depressing. She's a doberman blue heeler mix (they think).
Then on Friday I took Max to PetSmart to meet her. I wasn't expecting much but they actually did fine with each other. They didn't become best friends or anything, but Max didn't growl or snap either, which is a huge deal for him. So I decided to adopt her. She had to go get spayed and everything at the vet, which ended up being a huge ordeal because she had a nasty uterine infection (which would have killed her had I not adopted her and gotten her to the vet). I got to bring her home on Monday, the 24th.
 |
| Her first night home. She was a little drugged up with pain meds and antibiotics, and for some reason she wanted to sleep by the door. |
She's a fantastic dog. She's so sweet and loving and well behaved. And calm, which is why Max and her are good together.
Really, her being here for Max is the best part. He is freaking ecstatic to have a sister. They play together all the time and he just seems so much happier than he did before we got her. They're definitely going to be best friends for a long time! They even go on walks together (on separate leashes), and it's so cute. And lately we've been able to stop crating Max when we leave the house, because Hollie keeps him in line. Or at least holds his attention enough so he doesn't chew on anything. It's great.
So that's the story of Hollie. I'm so happy to have her!
 |
| Max and Hollie on her 3rd day home. |
4.01.2014
Weigh In # 4 (2014)
Weight: 188
So I gained a half pound(ish) since last time I weighed in. It might not be totally accurate since my period just ended. Either way, I most definitely didn't meet my goal of hitting the 170's by April. But at the same time I'm not too disappointed because honestly, the way I've been doing with food and working out I thought the number was going to be higher.
But, that being said, more than a month of basically doing nothing, I'm feeling really motivated to get back on the wagon. So I came up with a challenge for April: fast food once a week, limit soda, work out at least 3 times a week, and come in at or under my MFP at least 6 days a week. For the entire month. I made a little chart for it (because I love to make charts and lists and have free time at work to do so!) so that I can keep track of my progress. I really want to see what I can accomplish in a month when I'm on point as much as I possibly can be. Because not only will the accomplishments be good in and of themselves, but I think it will be really helpful to see that I really can control what happens to my body.
I also came up with a list of weight loss/fitness goals/accomplishments and rewards for them. Nothing huge, just little things that I want. I mean, normally I just randomly buy little things like that for no real reason, so I thought it might be productive if I make myself work for stuff I want. It'll probably be a good idea for both my physical health and my financial health.
So we'll see how it goes. I'm feeling confident about April.
So I gained a half pound(ish) since last time I weighed in. It might not be totally accurate since my period just ended. Either way, I most definitely didn't meet my goal of hitting the 170's by April. But at the same time I'm not too disappointed because honestly, the way I've been doing with food and working out I thought the number was going to be higher.
But, that being said, more than a month of basically doing nothing, I'm feeling really motivated to get back on the wagon. So I came up with a challenge for April: fast food once a week, limit soda, work out at least 3 times a week, and come in at or under my MFP at least 6 days a week. For the entire month. I made a little chart for it (because I love to make charts and lists and have free time at work to do so!) so that I can keep track of my progress. I really want to see what I can accomplish in a month when I'm on point as much as I possibly can be. Because not only will the accomplishments be good in and of themselves, but I think it will be really helpful to see that I really can control what happens to my body.
I also came up with a list of weight loss/fitness goals/accomplishments and rewards for them. Nothing huge, just little things that I want. I mean, normally I just randomly buy little things like that for no real reason, so I thought it might be productive if I make myself work for stuff I want. It'll probably be a good idea for both my physical health and my financial health.
So we'll see how it goes. I'm feeling confident about April.
3.23.2014
Catching Up
There are a lot of blog entries I've been kicking around and planning in my head lately, and then I never get around to writing them. So here are the title and condensed versions, just for the sake of record keeping.
Benji
I don't know if I ever mentioned it but I did get Benji's ashes back, and they're sitting on one of my bookcases next to a framed photo of him. It's his little memorial corner. I miss him so much but it's getting easier. I know he's always with me, anyway, and it's comforting.
Max
March 16th was Max's Adoptionversary or Gotcha Day or whatever you want to call it. He's been my dog for a whole year now. I was going to write a full entry about it but I just don't feel up to it. Max has definitely had his pain in the ass moments since I adopted him but I definitely love him. He's a good little dog and he's made tremendous progress in the past year. He's much healthier and happier than he used to be, and I'm glad to have helped him to that point.
Work
Work was insane last week. Two people on vacation, my boss in transit from AZ to FL for most of the week, and some less than fantastic experiences with a couple of co-workers made for an unpleasant 36 hours. Last month (just after Benji died) I was asked to take over DME prior auth. for the sleep department, and it has kept me insanely busy. I love it. Before last week I was just at the edge of being overwhelmed with work, and that's generally when the point where I function best. Last week I was genuinely overwhelmed and I'm looking forward to my normal workload this coming week.
Fitness/Diet
I've been doing better in this area lately. I did cancel my gym membership, because I'm just not using it, and there's really no point in paying the $40 a month for it. I'm still working out at home and that's actually going pretty well. I just need to be more consistent instead of hit and miss.
Literally The Bitchiest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me
This actually happened almost 2 months ago and I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it . . . but I think it deserves a mention. It was one of my late stay days in February (for my super fun special mail project) and for whatever reason, I got to chatting with a co-worker. She said something about my honey missing me since I was staying late, and I laughed and said I was single. And then I joked about how I'm hopelessly single, and she said that she was too. But I know for a fact that she has a live in boyfriend so why she said that was beyond me. I said, "No you're not." And then she laughed, with this little condescending chuckle, and said, "You're right. I'm not." I was literally speechless and more or less just walked away after that. Seriously, so bitchy. So incredibly unnecessarily bitchy. And really kind of disrespectful . . . if my longtime live in S.O. randomly told people he or she was single I'd be livid. I just don't get it. This particular co-worker also once invited me to a Zumba class when she saw me eating a brownie at work last Halloween, so she definitely has a track record for this kind of stuff, but still.
Dancing With the Stars
DWTS started last Monday. I'm super excited for this season. Plus both my mom and my sister are watching too and that makes it more fun. They both mentioned something during the premiere about it being unfair that two of the contestants are gold medal winning ice dancers and kind of have an advantage . . . to which I pointed out that Derek Hough has literally won the contest with a professional dancer. Seriously. Definitely a facepalm moment.
Hollie
Is the newest member of my little family, and I will write more about her later.
Benji
I don't know if I ever mentioned it but I did get Benji's ashes back, and they're sitting on one of my bookcases next to a framed photo of him. It's his little memorial corner. I miss him so much but it's getting easier. I know he's always with me, anyway, and it's comforting.
Max
March 16th was Max's Adoptionversary or Gotcha Day or whatever you want to call it. He's been my dog for a whole year now. I was going to write a full entry about it but I just don't feel up to it. Max has definitely had his pain in the ass moments since I adopted him but I definitely love him. He's a good little dog and he's made tremendous progress in the past year. He's much healthier and happier than he used to be, and I'm glad to have helped him to that point.
Work
Work was insane last week. Two people on vacation, my boss in transit from AZ to FL for most of the week, and some less than fantastic experiences with a couple of co-workers made for an unpleasant 36 hours. Last month (just after Benji died) I was asked to take over DME prior auth. for the sleep department, and it has kept me insanely busy. I love it. Before last week I was just at the edge of being overwhelmed with work, and that's generally when the point where I function best. Last week I was genuinely overwhelmed and I'm looking forward to my normal workload this coming week.
Fitness/Diet
I've been doing better in this area lately. I did cancel my gym membership, because I'm just not using it, and there's really no point in paying the $40 a month for it. I'm still working out at home and that's actually going pretty well. I just need to be more consistent instead of hit and miss.
Literally The Bitchiest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me
This actually happened almost 2 months ago and I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it . . . but I think it deserves a mention. It was one of my late stay days in February (for my super fun special mail project) and for whatever reason, I got to chatting with a co-worker. She said something about my honey missing me since I was staying late, and I laughed and said I was single. And then I joked about how I'm hopelessly single, and she said that she was too. But I know for a fact that she has a live in boyfriend so why she said that was beyond me. I said, "No you're not." And then she laughed, with this little condescending chuckle, and said, "You're right. I'm not." I was literally speechless and more or less just walked away after that. Seriously, so bitchy. So incredibly unnecessarily bitchy. And really kind of disrespectful . . . if my longtime live in S.O. randomly told people he or she was single I'd be livid. I just don't get it. This particular co-worker also once invited me to a Zumba class when she saw me eating a brownie at work last Halloween, so she definitely has a track record for this kind of stuff, but still.
Dancing With the Stars
DWTS started last Monday. I'm super excited for this season. Plus both my mom and my sister are watching too and that makes it more fun. They both mentioned something during the premiere about it being unfair that two of the contestants are gold medal winning ice dancers and kind of have an advantage . . . to which I pointed out that Derek Hough has literally won the contest with a professional dancer. Seriously. Definitely a facepalm moment.
Hollie
Is the newest member of my little family, and I will write more about her later.
3.11.2014
. . .
I really couldn't think of a title for this post.
I am just in a bad funk lately. For the past couple weeks my diet's been off the rails, I haven't worked out at all, and my sleep schedule has been a complete and utter cluster fuck. I feel like I've accomplished nothing (outside of work) in forever. I've stopped being concerned with money management and other little things that I should be taking charge of.
In short I feel like a failure. I'm depressed and frustrated and I'm starting to panic over my ever growing TO DO list. I can also feel myself starting to disengage like I used to and I hate it. It sucks and I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it.
Well, I guess I do know where it's coming from. I'm sure Benji dying is a big factor. Work is incredibly stressful right now (new duties, bigger responsibility, a boss that now lives in Florida, etc), and while I love how busy I am, I'm sure it's contributing to this down swing. And then there's the whole being surrounded by happily married co-workers, and having mostly friends who are either married or happily committed, thing. I don't think I'm a bitter person when it comes to this and I absolutely don't hold anyone's happiness against them but I won't lie, sometimes it makes me feel so lonely. And it all feeds each other, because I get lonely and depressed and then I eat my feelings and then beat myself up about that and inevitably tell myself that the reason I'm alone is that I'm fat and unattractive and completely don't have my shit together, which leads to being lonely and depressed and eating my feelings. It's a shitty, vicious cycle.
But I know it's temporary. Benji not being here will get easier, or at least more tolerable; things at work will shake out and I'll adjust to the changes and be awesome; I will get my shit together outside of work; I will, eventually, get physically healthy.
For now I just have to take it a day at a time and keep on keepin' on, I suppose.
I am just in a bad funk lately. For the past couple weeks my diet's been off the rails, I haven't worked out at all, and my sleep schedule has been a complete and utter cluster fuck. I feel like I've accomplished nothing (outside of work) in forever. I've stopped being concerned with money management and other little things that I should be taking charge of.
In short I feel like a failure. I'm depressed and frustrated and I'm starting to panic over my ever growing TO DO list. I can also feel myself starting to disengage like I used to and I hate it. It sucks and I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it.
Well, I guess I do know where it's coming from. I'm sure Benji dying is a big factor. Work is incredibly stressful right now (new duties, bigger responsibility, a boss that now lives in Florida, etc), and while I love how busy I am, I'm sure it's contributing to this down swing. And then there's the whole being surrounded by happily married co-workers, and having mostly friends who are either married or happily committed, thing. I don't think I'm a bitter person when it comes to this and I absolutely don't hold anyone's happiness against them but I won't lie, sometimes it makes me feel so lonely. And it all feeds each other, because I get lonely and depressed and then I eat my feelings and then beat myself up about that and inevitably tell myself that the reason I'm alone is that I'm fat and unattractive and completely don't have my shit together, which leads to being lonely and depressed and eating my feelings. It's a shitty, vicious cycle.
But I know it's temporary. Benji not being here will get easier, or at least more tolerable; things at work will shake out and I'll adjust to the changes and be awesome; I will get my shit together outside of work; I will, eventually, get physically healthy.
For now I just have to take it a day at a time and keep on keepin' on, I suppose.
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