Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up. I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember. Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.
Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been. The change never ceases to amaze me. I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months. Survive the next 6 months and go from there." (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together). Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal. It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you. There really are no words.
The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life. I've changed more than I ever thought possible. I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you. I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory. I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function. To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw). I never expected to thrive.
But I am thriving. I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in. I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me. And I've got a whole other job on top of that one! I'm financially stable and independent. I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next. I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be. (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).
I'm not perfect. There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with. I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas. And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits. Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends. It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states. And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult. Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups. (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).
One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened. A lot of it is small things. Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff. And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health. Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him. So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it. Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling. It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do. I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.
It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later. It's not a consistent feeling. Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him. Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.
I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it. To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go. I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore. I am angry that he never came back. More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then. I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.
I wonder, all the time, about that. I have for three years now. I wonder what it would be like to be around another now. If we'd still get along. If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back. I wonder about him, too, sometimes. About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective. Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.
I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go. That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon. I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up. I wish so much that I had done things differently back then. I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away. I'm OK with that. Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.
I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him. I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned. If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen. As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am. I'm not sorry for it.
But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life. I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life. I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.
So that's that, I suppose. Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me. I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not. And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing. I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that. I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!
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