So first, some background: I spray air freshener in my bedroom every night before I go to bed. I like to smell something soothing while I'm falling asleep, and those better sleep tips almost always include having a scent you associate with sleep and spraying it at night. I used to use the pillow spray they sell at Bath and Body Works, but it's really expensive for how small the bottles are; then I switched to Febreze's night time line but that's disappeared from the stores, so now I just spray air freshener. I usually use a lavender/vanilla Febreze, but if the store's out of that I'll just buy whatever.
So this past Sunday Jerbs and I went shopping, and they didn't have the lavender stuff. But they did have this Febreze kind called Pumpkin Bliss, and even though I think it's a little too early for fall stuff, I got excited and bought it.
That night, I got ready for bed like always and sprayed my new air freshener. It smelled really good and very fall-y, and I thought it would definitely help me sleep. I was very, very wrong.
While I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I started to think that this pumpkin air freshener smelled familiar, like it was making me think of something. I realized that it smelled EXACTLY like this pumpkin air freshener Jerbs and I got at Bath and Body Works way back in 2009, when we first moved to the complex we live in now, when we got our 2 bedroom place after we broke up. We put that air freshener in our living room, and I guess I associated that smell with that place. And smelling it again just took me right back to that time in 2009, when the break up was still really raw and I was struggling with having moved but at the same time hopeful that the move would be a new start for me.
And it was all just overwhelming. In a way that I can't even really explain. But I suddenly found myself feeling so nostalgic for that time, when I was younger and before I got really sick and when I had my own space and potential, and I got sad thinking about how little I've accomplished since then, and how much better that time was (in some ways), and I felt guilty about everything I've put Jerbs through since then and how nice she's been to me, and then I thought about how it was my meeting Corey that put an end to that era and I got sad and bitter about that. And all of those feelings inevitably lead to thinking about how behind I feel in life, and how I feel like I haven't reached my true potential, and how that is entirely because of being bipolar. So I just laid in bed and cried my eyes out for a couple hours; I eventually fell asleep but I didn't sleep well, so Monday morning was not pleasant.
I almost faked sick and asked to leave early, but instead I requested Friday (today) off, just because I needed a mental health day. Thankfully it got approved, so I got to just chill at home and relax today, which was nice. And Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery, which is a good solution for most problems.
Anyway, I survived Monday, but on Tuesday I was still just in a funk. Then Wednesday my period started, which helped exactly NOTHING. I felt like crap yesterday too. I seriously didn't work out all week, I didn't even try to eat decently, I was just . . . out of it. Depressed and angry and just out of it. It sucked.
But today I got to just chill at home and hang out with Jerbs, and that helped a LOT. Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery too, which is always great.
I'm feeling better now, but I still feel like I just have a lot on my mind. I've just been thinking a lot about my life lately, about what I haven't done and what I want to do, and I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but . . . I think a combination of still being in mental health recovery and having turned 30 contribute to that kind of thinking.
Right now, though, life is good. I like my job. I'm OK financially. I'm more engaged than I've ever been. I'm almost finished with my CPC class. My BFF is getting married in 2 months and I get to be a part of that, and after the wedding is Halloween and fall and Christmas and all my other favorite things so . . . I really can't complain.
There are just times when I really think about how much of my life this BS mental illness has caused me to miss, and it seems so colossally unfair that I can't shake it.
But I can't do anything about that now, so the next best thing is to just make the most of every single second from here on out.
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