To be completely honest, I'm amazed at how well I'm doing. I really did think I'd get up here and it would be break down after break down after break down . . . I thought it would be a total regression back to where I was before I'd even started treatment and all that. But here I am, doing mostly fine.
I'm still sad. My heart is still broken over what happened with Ex-Fiance and me. I've had a few anxiety attacks over it since I've been here, and there have been a few nights that I've cried myself to sleep. But for the most part I've been good.
I still miss Ex-Fiance. He's on my mind every day and I still hope that we end up together, I really do. But at the same time, I'm starting to feel glad to have this time for myself. I've been mood charting and taking my medicine and thinking a lot about my life. Some of it's scary but . . . it's nice at the same time. Ultimately I think this is doing us both some good, and I am trying just to be patient. To give us as long as we need.
Some things suck about being here. I hate taking the bus with a passion! I don't mind the actual walking or bus taking part, it's the amount of time it takes. For example, tomorrow I have to go to the store for a few things and I know I'm not going to get anything else done. Suuuuuuuuuucks.
Also shitty is that Hastings STILL hasn't called me about my transfer. I have to call them tomorrow and hopefully I still have a job. This is starting to worry me. But in the meantime I've applied for a few full time jobs at other places and hopefully I'll get one of them. Because really, even if I'm still employed at Hastings, I need to look for something else anyway, because I NEED full time. Or at least closer to full time than 15 hours a week.
But there are good things. I woke up to a raging thunderstorm this morning and that was pretty excellent. (The only thing that would have made it better was a cuddle buddy!) The summer weather here is awesome. And I feel like I can write here, so I've been working on that. I think I've said it before, that even though I don't want to be in Flagstaff forever, I want to be somewhere similar. And more than anything I want to be happy with Ex-Fiance in a place like this. But that's probably for another post.
One big thing that's happened to me since I've been here is that I have . . . I don't know quite how to say it. But basically I have found my faith. I have found God. I'll probably elaborate on it at some point in the future but for now I'll just say that I definitely am putting my faith in a higher power. And it feels amazing.
Anyway. I still need to work on my physical and mental health goals more. Physical health, I need to get back into working out somehow, and I need to eat better (there were just so many restaurants I missed!) Mental health I've been doing well with, I just need to get my labs done. That's going to be a bit of a challenge. Actually it'll probably be pretty easy I just HATE making phone calls and getting that set up will require several so. Yeah. And I need to find a counselor but that has to wait until I figure out my employment situation.
I did get to see Ex-Fiance today, when he was on his way back to Kingman from Chinle. It was nice but it was also . . . I don't know. Weird, I guess. I'll elaborate on that more later.
For now, good night! I think it's going to rain through the night which means good sleep for me!!
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