I've been jogging. (But more about that later). I'm also feeling really bleh lately, not mentally but physically. I'm sore all over (from the jogging and sleeping on the floor, I know, but it still sucks). I also just feel weak a lot lately, and I've been having stomach issues. Like I've had a lot of days recently where I'm really hungry but absolutely nothing sounds appetizing. And my sleep schedule is still a disaster, and a messed up sleep schedule equals a messed up meds schedule. I'm still taking everything I should, but the schedule needs to be a LOT more regular. I'm working on it. In good news, I won a $10 giftcard to JCPenney as part of their holiday buttons thingy. I'm happy because I never win anything like that haha.
Jerbs is stoked because today was her last day of work before 12 days off. She'd asked for this coming weekend off to go to a Mountain Goats concert and visit our friends, the Flicks, in Phoenix. She had a bunch of vacation time that she needed to use up before the end of the year so she decided to do it now. She is soooooo excited . . . today I watched her give money to 2 different charities at the mall, so yeah, she's pretty pleased.
Benji has been spending most of his time in his heating padded bed, and it's adorable. He looks totally blissed out when he's in there. He's stopped waking up and barking in the middle of the night too, so that's good. (For awhile, every night around 3 AM he'd start barking for no reason . . . I think because he'd wake up to find himself alone and get scared, maybe?) He actually ate some of his dog treats the other day; last time I tried to give him one he didn't eat it, and I assumed it was too hard for him, even thought it's a chewy treat. But I guess not, so that was a relief.
Irene is just Irene. She walks around like she owns the apartment and everything in it and that's just that. She's been feisty with Ilya lately--they've had some pretty epic wrestling matches recently, and it's pretty entertaining. She always seems to know when I'm watching something on TV, and she'll choose that moment to jump up on the TV stand and sit RIGHT in front of it.
Ilya is still scared of everything. Some mornings when I'm in Jerbs' bed, she'll cuddle with me. She crawls under the covers and everything, it's so sweet. Other than that, she still likes to play with her gross little teddy bear and drown him in her water bowl, and almost once a day I step on it while it's wet. It's disgusting but also kinda cute.
So that's what our odd little sorta family is up to at the moment!
12.05.2012
12.03.2012
That Dog
Last year, when Corey and I went to Chinle for Christmas, we took Benji with us. Corey's parents are wonderful, and they noticed that Benji walks really stiffly because his hips bug him. So to help him out they gave him an old heating pad of theirs. Well, Benji spent the entire time we were there sleeping on the heating pad, and it really really helped him out. By the time we left to go home Benji was walking better and was able to lay more stretched out--it made me so happy. So Corey's parents gave us the heating pad. Like I said, they're wonderful. Benji spent the rest of last winter blissfully passed out on the heating pad.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
12.02.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Childhood TV
I'm one of those people who firmly believes that TV and books for kids were a lot better when I was little than they are now. Especially TV, because really, you kinda can't beat 90's children's/YA shows. Not that I watched a lot of TV, and my parents definitely didn't use it as a babysitter. I think it's fun to look back on what used to be on TV when I was younger, so here are my favorites.
Early Childhood
--Eureka's Castle. Loved it.
--David the Gnome. This is probably my favorite of all of them.
--The Lil' Bits. I remember begging my Uncle J to watch this with me when he came to visit us once.
--The Snoozles. All through elementary school, junior high, and high school, I never met anyone else who remembered this show, and got a lot of crazy looks when I brought it up. Then senior year Jerbs and I were talking and she mentioned it, and I was so excited. To this day she's the only other person who remembers it that I've met. Anyone else?
--Mya the Bee.
--Maple Town. My other favorite. I remember watching this one with my dad, but it's another one that no one else seems to remember.
--My Little Pony. I know very few girls my age who didn't watch My Little Pony when we were kids. I love that it's coming back now. Austin is fascinated by MLP, and Jerbs watches the new episode every Saturday after she gets off work.
This was before the Disney Channel was a part of basic cable, so we didn't have it. But every now and then they'd do a "preview weekend" and we'd have Disney for a couple days. Whenever we did, we'd watch The Gummy Bears. Great show, and I can still sing the theme song.
I have never in my life watched an episode of Sesame Street or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Those just weren't ones that we watched at our house.
Older Childhood
--Full House. This was an absolute must see did not miss an episode show. Every Friday evening my aunt came over to watch it with me, my mom, and my sisters, and we made an evening of it. As a kid I wanted to be just like DJ Tanner, haha.
--Doug. Enough said.
--Hey Arnold!
--Aaah Real Monsters. This was Jerbs' favorite.
--Are You Afraid of the Dark? I was obsessed with this show, because I loved ghost stories as a kid. My sister (Jenny) and I never missed an episode. A couple years ago I downloaded the first season and Jerbs, Corey, and I watched it. It was so much fun! There are still a couple of episodes of that show that creep me out when I think about them.
--RoundHouse. Very few other people watched this and it wasn't on very long. It was kind of a musical variety/sketch show that was kind of replaced by All That once it went off the air.
--Clarissa Explains It All. I've been told I look like Melissa Joan Hart . . . which I don't see.
--The Secret World of Alex Mack. My mom was the biggest fan of this show in our house.
--Space Cases. I'm pretty sure I'm one of about 3 people who actually liked and consistently watched this show, but holy cow, I loved it.
--Double Dare & Legends of the Hidden Temple. The staple Nick game shows, in my opinion.
--The Tomorrow People. This one was probably closer to teenage years for me.
Early Childhood
--Eureka's Castle. Loved it.
--David the Gnome. This is probably my favorite of all of them.
--The Lil' Bits. I remember begging my Uncle J to watch this with me when he came to visit us once.
--The Snoozles. All through elementary school, junior high, and high school, I never met anyone else who remembered this show, and got a lot of crazy looks when I brought it up. Then senior year Jerbs and I were talking and she mentioned it, and I was so excited. To this day she's the only other person who remembers it that I've met. Anyone else?
--Mya the Bee.
--Maple Town. My other favorite. I remember watching this one with my dad, but it's another one that no one else seems to remember.
--My Little Pony. I know very few girls my age who didn't watch My Little Pony when we were kids. I love that it's coming back now. Austin is fascinated by MLP, and Jerbs watches the new episode every Saturday after she gets off work.
This was before the Disney Channel was a part of basic cable, so we didn't have it. But every now and then they'd do a "preview weekend" and we'd have Disney for a couple days. Whenever we did, we'd watch The Gummy Bears. Great show, and I can still sing the theme song.
I have never in my life watched an episode of Sesame Street or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Those just weren't ones that we watched at our house.
Older Childhood
--Full House. This was an absolute must see did not miss an episode show. Every Friday evening my aunt came over to watch it with me, my mom, and my sisters, and we made an evening of it. As a kid I wanted to be just like DJ Tanner, haha.
--Doug. Enough said.
--Hey Arnold!
--Aaah Real Monsters. This was Jerbs' favorite.
--Are You Afraid of the Dark? I was obsessed with this show, because I loved ghost stories as a kid. My sister (Jenny) and I never missed an episode. A couple years ago I downloaded the first season and Jerbs, Corey, and I watched it. It was so much fun! There are still a couple of episodes of that show that creep me out when I think about them.
--RoundHouse. Very few other people watched this and it wasn't on very long. It was kind of a musical variety/sketch show that was kind of replaced by All That once it went off the air.
--Clarissa Explains It All. I've been told I look like Melissa Joan Hart . . . which I don't see.
--The Secret World of Alex Mack. My mom was the biggest fan of this show in our house.
--Space Cases. I'm pretty sure I'm one of about 3 people who actually liked and consistently watched this show, but holy cow, I loved it.
--Double Dare & Legends of the Hidden Temple. The staple Nick game shows, in my opinion.
--The Tomorrow People. This one was probably closer to teenage years for me.
12.01.2012
You Call This December?
It's officially December. And you would not really think that looking out the window here.
Normally by now we have snow. And a decent amount of it. And even if we don't have much snow it's freezing cold.
But we haven't had snow since that one random day in November. And it hasn't been too cold except at night. Looking at the ten day forecast there's nothing but sunny or partly cloudy days, and highs in the 60's.
It's SO weird. I've been thinking a lot of summer lately and I think this is why--because it really doesn't feel like winter here.
Normally I'd find this lack of winteriness super depressing, but this year, I'm actually kind of glad, because I think the not so wintery weather is keeping me sane.
To me, winter means Christmas. And Christmas, at the moment, is basically ruined for me, because of Corey. And ever since we broke up I have dreaded winter and snow and Christmas and all of that. And yes, Christmas is pretty much everywhere but at least I can ignore it.
Normally by now we have snow. And a decent amount of it. And even if we don't have much snow it's freezing cold.
But we haven't had snow since that one random day in November. And it hasn't been too cold except at night. Looking at the ten day forecast there's nothing but sunny or partly cloudy days, and highs in the 60's.
It's SO weird. I've been thinking a lot of summer lately and I think this is why--because it really doesn't feel like winter here.
Normally I'd find this lack of winteriness super depressing, but this year, I'm actually kind of glad, because I think the not so wintery weather is keeping me sane.
To me, winter means Christmas. And Christmas, at the moment, is basically ruined for me, because of Corey. And ever since we broke up I have dreaded winter and snow and Christmas and all of that. And yes, Christmas is pretty much everywhere but at least I can ignore it.
Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts
I've been feeling blah lately. I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed. I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon. I just hate it. I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube. Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.
Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now. It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia. Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad. I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work. Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out. I think it's because of the bed situation. I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks. It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much. I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know? Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor. Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon. Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move. (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).
I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately. When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that. And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.
So basically I took this past week off. I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything. Just some job apps and I started working on a short story. That's about it. I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.
---------------
I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable. Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it. Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable. So I missed two seasons of DWTS. Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's. So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online.
I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar. Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011. And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey. And I just . . . I remembered that night. With him.
If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried. Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life. And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah. But I really didn't feel that. (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).
11.30.2012
Strange Thoughts
When Ex-Fiance and I first broke up, and I was telling people, almost everyone said that they were sorry and were sure we'd work it out.
Except Jeff. Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right. One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."
I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.
But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I've changed almost overnight. I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.
I'm tired. I'll elaborate later.
Except Jeff. Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right. One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."
I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.
But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I've changed almost overnight. I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.
I'm tired. I'll elaborate later.
11.29.2012
Thankful Thursday: Last One!
One more Thankful Thursday for this year.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
11.27.2012
Confessions & Some Self Shaming
For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance. Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
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