It's Weird

It's weird to have a job.

It's weird to have the job that I do.  (Seriously, I have a degree in literature and I'm working in a math and medical related field.  WTF?)

It's weird to have a grown up schedule.

It's weird to be making enough money to support myself.  (Eventually.  Obviously I haven't gotten a full paycheck yet).

I'm happy, but it's also just . . . weird.  Some nights I can't really believe I got this job.  Some nights I habitually go to Craigslist and look at the job ads before I remember that I don't have to do that anymore.  And you would not believe the relief I feel every time that happens.

Did I tell you I almost didn't even go to the second interview?  I don't think I ever mentioned that, but it's totally true.  I'd had a good feeling after my first interview, but for whatever reason, New Years was a hard holiday.  I found myself anxious and depressed for part of New Years Eve and all of New Years Day.  So on the morning of the second I was feeling very negative, and as I got ready for my interview my mind was racing.  I just kept thinking, there is no way in hell I'm going to get this job, and why would I ever think I might?  I kept thinking that it was going to be a huge disappointment just like all my other interviews.  And then I kept thinking about what I would do if that happened--like in a what would I do next way--and it wasn't pleasant.  I just kept thinking about how I'd applied at all the retail places I could and how there were never office jobs anymore on CL and what was I going to do?  The anxiety made me feel physically sick and I really did almost cancel.  I almost cried on the way there because I was absolutely terrified, thinking that I really couldn't deal with another disappointment and hoping like hell I didn't totally blow it.  I remember sitting in the MHC waiting room feeling so anxious I was dizzy, and feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out or some horrible combo of both.

I'm so glad I didn't cancel.  I think deep, deep down I knew I was going to get this one from the very beginning--I just had a good feeling--but that morning was so stressful.  I remember I relaxed as soon as I saw the office manager who did my first interview, which I took as a good sign.

Anyway, back to the weird.  I tell myself that of course I'm going to feel a little weird for a while for a few reasons.

1) I haven't had a full time job since 2009.  Isn't that sad?  In Nov. 2009 I lost my job at the clinic and didn't work again until Hastings in September 2011.  And obviously that was part time so suddenly working 36 hours is an adjustment.

2) I have never had a Monday thru Friday job.  At the clinic I did 12 hour shifts and worked every other weekend, so the schedule was a little weird.  (But good).  So M thru F is a bit strange . . . but I like it!

3) I haven't had a job that required actual focus and concentration since 2009.  Because Hastings isn't really a hard place to work, and since I'd worked there before, I usually did my job on auto pilot; my mind was rarely engaged.  But working at MHC, I actually have to pay attention and remember things.  My brain is having a hard time waking up, if that makes sense.

4) Not to mention I spent about 2.5 years totally mentally checked out of life in general.  It's hard to be engaged in life again, y'know what I mean?  Not only in the actual work sense, but in other things, like relating to co-workers as well.  Just having a life feels strange.  Talking to people and interacting and all that . . . weird.  But definitely good.

5) It's weird to be one of the few single and childless people in the office.  Pretty much everyone is married and has kids, or is at least one of those two.  Kinda strange.

It's odd because I almost feel like I used to, before I got really sick.  Back when I was first at the clinic and loving life, when I was happy to have an office job and happy with how cool my co-workers were, when I had a car.  How I feel now is similar to how I felt then, like I feel flashes of the back then, but it's different now.  I realize that back then, even before I got sick, I was already sick, because I feel so much more normal and level headed than I did then.  And I just kind of wonder how things would have gone if I'd gotten help then.

And I feel like I almost don't know what to make of the time in between, if that makes sense.  The years of illness, meeting Corey, falling in love and getting engaged, moving back to Kingman, the ups and downs of initial treatment . . . it's really strange to think that I went through all of that and ended up almost right back where I started.  In Flagstaff, with Jerbs, working in a medical office, and . . . happy.  Honestly there are times when I wonder if Corey ever happened at all, when it doesn't even seem real.  The question of how I got from that life back to this one is a big one with a lot of answers . . .

But really that's for another post.

Good night.