I'm home sick from work today. I stayed home yesterday too. Which sucks. I HATE HATE HATE missing work . . . it's seriously one of the worst feelings in the world to me. I hate that other people have to do my work for me and I hate worrying that I may lose my job.
To start from the beginning. Around 3:00 Monday morning I woke up HOT. Like, crazy hot. Felt like I was on fire. So I took a frozen water bottle to bed with me and turned on our A/C, and an hour later I was still wide awake and burning. I took a cold shower, I laid in front of my fan, and at 5:30 AM nothing had changed. I was absolutely miserable; my head was pounding, I felt weak and shaky, I felt dizzy and like I might throw up. At 6 all I wanted to do was sleep so finally, out of desperation, I took a sleeping pill (something I never do anymore). I dragged myself up at 7:45 and texted my boss, then I spent the day in bed just trying not to feel like shit. Which didn't do much good because I was s till really sicky for most of the day. It sucked. I was feeling a little bit better last night and I thought, a good night's sleep and I should be fine.
Well, I woke up at about 5:30 this morning feeling exactly the same. So I called in again, and this time I got a stern reply text that if I miss tomorrow I'll need a doctor's note to come back to work and that I need to give more notice of absence. I apologized for the short notice. Oh, and there's no way I'm going to go to a doctor for this. What's a doctor going to say about being heat sick in AZ? "It's July, you live in the desert, suck it up." Totally a waste of time and money.
I'm still not feeling great but I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to suck it up. I wanted to suck it up today and just force myself to go but . . . yeah, didn't happen. My head is pounding just from the few minutes I've spent on the computer typing up this blog entry so I'm pretty sure 8 solid hours of computer time would've killed me.
I'm trying to tell myself that I shouldn't feel bad, because sick happens. (Although no one who misses work to care for their sick kids gets any kind of questioning . . . my workplace may be a smidge biased towards parents, which is lame). And honestly, the way I felt yesterday and today, I'd have been totally useless at work, and I don't think it's fair to get paid for doing nothing. Waste of my time and energy to be there, waste of the company's money to pay me for being there. So yeah. And I'm not really worried about my job because I do good work and everything is caught up, so the only thing anyone had to do for me was payment posting. It's just easy to get paranoid, I think because I was unemployed for so long and I know how bad it sucks. I get to this place where I totally panic thinking of being in that place again.
So my goal is to go back to work tomorrow and just be awesome. I'm already pretty awesome at work but I kind of want to prove that I'm worth having there, y'know? Get all my work done, do the stuff I've been putting off (I dread making patient phone calls so yeah, that gets put off quite a bit), have a good attitude about it . . . etc etc etc.
Anyway. I just needed to vent that and justify things to myself, I guess. But I will say that I really was sick . . . like I really did feel like crud, and going in to work would have been pointless. This isn't fake and it's not mental either. (I'm always afraid that people will think I'm having bipolar issues when I'm out sick . . . down side of being open and honest about those things with my boss and co-workers, right?)
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