On Being Social

This past Saturday, B and a few of her friends were in town for the day.  There was a small anime con at Little America and they were up here for that, and then later in the evening Jerbs and I met up with them for dinner, which turned into dinner then coffee then drinks.  It really was just a fantastic evening.  Good food, good company . . . you can't really go wrong with that.  It's always nice to see B (and we don't see each other nearly enough these days in my opinion) and catch up with her, and the people she was with (none of whom I'd met before) were all awesome.  Plus it was just nice to get out of the house, because that's unusual for me . . . not that I'm complaining, I'm definitely a homebody, but every once in awhile, y'know?

We had dinner at a pizza place, and can I tell you that I loved paying for my own dinner and someone else's?  Maybe that's weird but I spent so long always having Jerbs or someone else treat me and it made me feel so losery.  So being out and paying my own way felt awesome!  I felt like an adult.  Or at least, as much as I can feel like an adult when I'm with Jerbs and B.

Anyway, besides being just an awesome night with friends, it was another one of those times that just made me understand very clearly how much better I am than I used to be.

I don't think I have to say that in the past, when I was sick, social experiences were a complete and utter nightmare for me.  I'm convinced this is why I have so few friends from college--because I always hated going out and being around people.  Even people I genuinely liked.  It was bad in college but it got much worse after.  It got to a point that going out with people made me question who I was.  It's hard to explain but it just fed my identity issues.  I think it was because I'd always end up comparing myself to the people I was with and, in a way, wondering if I should be more like them and feeling bad that I wasn't.  It would also make me feel kind of split--like who I was in my daily life wasn't the same as who I was when I was out with my friends, like somehow I was two different people and I had no clue which one was the real me.  It was awful.  It gave me anxiety attacks.  Plus when I was sick I was socially awkward: I always felt like I was too loud, like I talked too fast, like I was just kind of obnoxious and that no one wanted to really be around me.

But this weekend I felt none of those things.  I'm pretty sure I made some new friends, and that's great.  I feel like I'm actually quite likable now.  And not once did I question myself or where I am in life.  Talking to B and her friends about what they're doing with their lives was just interesting.  Just part of the conversation.  And when I got home, I felt whole instead of split.  I felt like I was just me--a girl who works in medical billing and writes and sews and gabs with old friends and drinks bloody marys and whatever.  Like all the parts of me made sense.  It was seriously one of the best feelings ever.  I don't think I'd realized until now how much better those particular issues had gotten, and I am over the moon to have done so.  When I went to work on Monday I felt like I fit in with my co-workers just as well as with my college friends.  Truly glorious.

I love these reminders of my mental health.  It makes me so happy.  So so happy.