This happened a week ago today, but I wanted to give it some time to gel before I wrote about it.
Last Saturday when Jerbs and I were driving home from dinner, it was all foggy and misty out. (Misty is what I call that weird kind of light rain/snow stuff that happens in Flagstaff). It was really pretty, so we decided to drive out to the pond up the road to see the water under the fog and snow. And oh my goodness, it was beautiful. We didn't get out of the car so we didn't get too close, but the snow on the banks and the fog drifting over the water was just stunning. I love it. Over in that area there are these big beautiful homes whose back yards slope down to the water, and if I could have one of those, I might be happy to stay here in Flag for the rest of my life. And seeing those houses, all dark and quiet, with untouched snow all around them . . . to me, those images represent an ideal. It's what I want. Not just for the nice house in the pretty location, but for the sense of peace and contentment I feel when I see that ideal. And I found myself thinking about that while we were at the pond, and then something happened.
If, at any point in the last year and a half, I had found myself in the same situation, I would have thought of Ex-Fiance. Because since I met him, since I fell for him, all of those dreams, all of those future ideals, had expanded to include him, and the two had become intertwined. I guess in a way he became a part of my future happiness. And in the past year and a half, any kind of reminder of what I wanted out of life--like the reminder that came from seeing the houses at the pond on Saturday--would have been a reminder that it was impossible. Does that make sense? I'd see something that made me think of where I want my life to go and I'd immediately feel sad, because I'd feel like that ideal future was gone because he and I weren't moving towards getting back together.
But last Saturday, that didn't happen. Yes, Ex-Fiance came to mind while I was at the pond, but then this amazing thing happened where . . . I don't even know how to describe it, really, but it was like I suddenly felt those dreams--my future, and Ex-Fiance--become distinctly separate things. And it was like this huge epiphany where I was suddenly able to picture myself in a beautiful home in a beautiful place at complete peace without him there. And I smiled the whole drive home.
Ever since Saturday, the anxiety about Ex-Fiance has just disappeared. I've stopped thinking about him. I've stopped daydreaming about us getting back together. I've stopped talking about him. I've stopped wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me. I just . . . I genuinely don't care anymore.
And life just seems better now. Isn't that odd? I'm suddenly just so excited for the future. I feel more confident in myself than I have in a long, long time. This past week I've slept well every night (well, almost, I had hip issues on Monday night). I've started to look forward to Christmas again. I've become confident that I'm going to be able to do the things I want to do--like write and lose weight. I'm just . . . so excited for life ever since I stopped needing him to be a part of it.
I didn't realize how much holding onto him was holding me back.
I know it sounds pretty crazy, right? When I told Jerbs about it on Wednesday night she looked at me like I was nuts. (Granted she's usually looking at me like that but still). It's felt a little crazy too, to be honest, but it's been a week and nothing's changed so . . . well. I don't know.
It made me think about this old co-worker of mine, Jeff, at the Kingman Hastings. When I told him about the break up, he said, "One day you'll wake up and he just won't matter anymore." And apparently that was the truth. I never imagined that I'd hang onto him for a year and a half (almost exactly) and then just get over it in one single moment.
I'm sure I'll write more about this later, because honestly it's all still kind of sorting out in my head. For now, I just wanted to get it written down
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