Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it. Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad. But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
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