Well, I have survived my first two full days in Flagstaff, without Ex-Fiance.
Yesterday was really good. I slept in and then went out via the bus. I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle. (I love Chipotle). Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.
I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman. I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down. But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like. I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic. There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave. And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here. But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable. I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be. I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community. I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential. Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense. Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential. Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still. While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.
There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance. Or away from our relationship, maybe. I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life. I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized. That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak. And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out. If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it. Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.
It's also about context, though. I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me. I don't ever feel like I have to impress her. With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect. And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other. And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.
Don't get me wrong. I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually. But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.
Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped. I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke. Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.
Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good. Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around. It was fun. We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking). And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.
So it's been better than expected so far. There have been some frustrations. One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with. Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time. So weird. And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet. In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week. So that SUCKS. I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money. I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind. I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.
Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know? It depresses me a little. It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance. So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something. Very strange.
Anyway. That's all for now.
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