This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance. And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope. I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon. That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did. And that feeling made me happy.
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
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