I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed. For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know. This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap. I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell. I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed. I crashed hard. I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off. When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
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