Just So Strange

I've been working on packing (I've packed a few boxes and am sort of trying to organize the rest of what I need to pack kinda thing) and it's just got me thinking.

Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment.  And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be.  What the hell do you say to someone in that situation?  I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles.  But still, it feels like it could be awkward.  At the very least it'll be weird.

Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out.  I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate.  And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him.  Y'know?  It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past.  How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?

I know this isn't that big of a deal.  If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head.  We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter.  I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.

The thing is, I'm excited for this.  I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey.  Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now.  I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship.  But more on that later.

For now, it's bed time!