2014: A Year In Review

I feel like every year, on New Year's Eve, I say, "I can't believe the year is over, it feels like it just flew by."  And tonight is no exception, but I feel like tonight, I mean it more sincerely then ever before.  I feel like it can't possibly have been a whole year ago that I wrote this post about 2013.  I honestly think that's one of the reasons I've felt off the past few weeks--because the year has just gone by so freaking fast!  It's actually kind of disappointing, because I look back and feel like I didn't enjoy it enough, like I didn't engage enough, like I missed out on a lot, like the year went by too quickly and now I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of it.  Maybe that's weird, but it's definitely how I feel.  At the same time, I think that maybe this is just how the passage of time feels when you're just living, and there isn't this grand overarching struggle that you're trying to overcome.

Because really, the past few years have come with built in challenges and really, really specific goals.  2011 was the start of my attempt at mental health, and in 2012 I got my heart broken and had to get over a break up and figure out who I was after my engagement ended, and and 2013 was a re-commitment to mental health.  Those were definitive things that were wrong, and I overcame them, and so those years just felt like successes.  Especially 2013, which is the year I really got my shit together, the year I really started to excel.  But 2014 . . . well, 2014 was really just about maintaining that level of success and health.  It's the first year of my adult life that's ever been about maintaining, and just living.  And I think maybe that concept was more of an adjustment than I'd realized, because it honestly wasn't something I thought about being an issue.  In the past, I was always just focused on getting mentally healthy, and I never thought about what came after.

I don't think 2014 was a particularly great year.  It wasn't particularly bad either, though.

In January I celebrated a full year of working at Mountain Heart, which was a huge milestone for me.  I was so proud of myself for being able to hold down a full time job for a whole year, and for being good at my job and really excelling.  And now, I'm proud that in a couple weeks, I'll celebrate two years there.

In February, I turned 29, which has turned out to be a pretty awkward age for me.  And two weeks after my birthday, I lost Benji.  Hands down, that was the worst part of my year.  No question about it.  I miss Benji every single day, and it's still so strange to me that he's not here.  But I really believe I'll see him again someday, and I also believe that he's in Heaven and watching over me.

In March, I adopted Hollie, and she turned out to be the best decision ever as far as Max was concerned.  She's a great dog in and of herself, but she's made Max a much, much better dog.  Those two are best friends, and that makes me happy.

In April . . . I don't remember much of April, to be honest.  Or May.

In June, I got a second job.  It's been helpful but also stressful, and I don't think I've quite mastered the whole balancing one job against the other, and balancing having two jobs with having a non-work life, so that's something I'll be working on this coming year.  I'm really excited, though, to have my second job, and I'd like to hold onto it for the entire year.

In July, Jerbs and I had a quiet Independence Day.  That was the day I got pulled over and the cop asked me if I was Jerbs' mom . . . not the best moment.  But I got to see my family, which is always nice.

In August, my sister and I did the Climb to Conquer Cancer again, and it was awesome.  That was also the month that I adopted Si'l Vous Plait, my Siamese cat.  He's curled up by my feet right now, and he's just the cutest thing.

In September, I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist, and that was a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's never easy to start over like that, but it's been worth it.

October and November were pretty uneventful.  I did go to the NAU Homecoming game for the first time since 2009, and that was one of my favorite days of the whole year.  Halloween was stressful, but Thanksgiving was nice and quiet and relaxing.

December has been disappointing weather wise.  We had a really mild winter last year, and I was hoping for a less mild one this year, but it was a dry season.  We finally got a decent amount of snow today (it's up to my knees in some spots!), so that's nice, and I kind of like the idea of a snowy new year.  I did really enjoy Christmas, though, and I'm glad I was able to spend it with my family.

And now here we are with only about 20 minutes left in 2014.  It makes me sad, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to 2015.  There are some changes I'm ready to make, and I'm prepared to take my 30's by storm.  I'm going into 2015 healthy and hopeful (second year in a row I can say that, go me!), and I think it will be a good year.  I am ringing it in at home, with Jerbs, because it's way too cold to do anything else.

So good-bye, 2014; you were a decent year of living a grown up life.

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Right Now

I am just in a funk lately.

Right now, everything just feels broken and empty and I can't figure out why or how to fix it.

I'm at a loss.

My Poor Neglected Little Blog

I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.

I'm just so busy lately.  Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing.  (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible.  I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).

There's really not a lot to talk about, though.

Work is work.  This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better.  We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there.  I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.

My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day.  I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise.  I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks.  At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it.  I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out.  (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).

The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with)  came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game.  It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun.  And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones.  I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games.  It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends.  The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex.  So much nostalgia, for so many things.

Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience.  I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to.  I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker.  I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged.  Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons.  My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful.  Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas.  But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman.  I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again.  And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.

It's really pointless to think all that.  What's done is done.  I know my family loves me.  I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better.  Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.

I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.

Halloween Nails

Since I was basically immobile all weekend (thank you, URI or whatever), I decided I'd take advantage of having to sit still and do my nails.  I think it was a successful venture.  Glitter acrylic is actually quite a bit easier than I thought.  Obviously I had to a Halloween manicure.

I really like how they turned out, and they've served their purpose in keeping me from biting my nails.

Unrelated to the nails, while I was sick my little Siamese buddy got super cuddly, it was very sweet.

He likes to lean against my legs while he sleeps.

I'm feeling a lot better today, and I actually made it through a whole day at MHC and then an hour at SHF.  Thank goodness!

Sick And Stuff

I've spent my weekend watching TV and taking cold medicine.  It has not been fun.

That sinus infection that's been hanging around for the past few weeks randomly migrated down into my chest.  It literally happened overnight: I went to bed last Wednesday night with my head all stuffy and whatever, and woke up Thursday morning with a nasty cough and some pretty major chest congestion.  I worked a half day, then came home and just rested.  I managed to work on Friday, but I think I'm going to call in tomorrow.  I feel like absolute shit.

Which means I got absolutely nothing done this weekend.  The house needs to be cleaned.  I have laundry to do.  There are a few sewing projects I need to get moving on.

It stresses me out when things start to pile up like that.  Like . . . I've been having mini anxiety attacks about it all day.

Not to mention the thought of missing work stresses me out.

I'm telling myself to calm down, but it's kind of a losing battle.  

Bullet Points

I feel like I think of at least 3 things I want to blog about every single day, and then I just never have the time.  But I want to keep my blog at least semi updated so . . . bullet points.

1.  I cannot freaking believe it's October.  I feel like summer flew by, I feel like this whole year is just flying by.  It's getting cold out, especially at night, and I love it.  It makes it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, though.

2.  I'm having mixed results with the Lithium at the moment.  In ways I feel better, in ways I feel worse.  I've just felt maybe a little more anxious, a little more up, a little more scattered.  It worried me for a couple days, and then Jerbs reminded me that this happened when I first started Lithium, and also all the times I restarted it.  It's kind of crappy, but at the same time, I'm committed to keeping at it until the levels balance and I feel better.

3.  I also think the Lithium's making me tired, which is frustrating.  I've never been one to be able to just suck it up and fight through being tired, and I feel like I've been dragging the past week or so.  This is a new thing, I don't remember being drowsy on Lithium before, so I'm not sure if it's really that or if it's something else (like the change in the weather, having a sinus infection (STILL), or whatever).  Again, it's one of those things that I'm just kind of waiting out, because it might go away once I'm at my therapeutic dose and my body readjusts to having it in my system.  We'll see.

4.  My mom's buying a house!  Which is pretty much the best thing I've heard all year, and I'm really excited for her.

5.  Jerbs and I have pretty much adopted this stray Siamese cat that had been hanging around our porch.  He used to just come in every night for a little while and eat some cat food, then he started spending the night inside in the living room, and now he sleeps with me every night.  He's the cutest cat.

6.  Work has gotten better since my old office mate moved out.  Now I'm sharing my office with the billing department's new hire, and it's just blissfully quiet.  Plus, having the new girl in my office means she comes to me with all of her questions, and it's been kind of cool to see how much I know about my job.  Not that I really thought there was a lot I didn't know, but it's a good feeling to be able to look at something and just know what needs to be done.  I also just found out last week that our CEO is so impressed with the billing department that we're all getting bonuses in the form of giftcards, which is awesome.  It's nice to be appreciated.

7.  I'm really trying to make October a good month fitness/weight loss wise.  Especially since Lithium is known to cause weight gain, and I definitely don't want to get bigger.  

That's all for now.  More to come.  Someday.  When I'm not as tired.