I swear, I thought of a good subtitle for this and of course didn't write it down and have now forgotten it. Bummer.
At any rate, I can't believe it's New Year's Eve. It's just a little bit mind blowing that 2013 is almost over! It has been quite a year for me. Probably the best year of my adult life thus far.
I got a job right at the beginning of the year, and in about two weeks I'll be having my first yearly eval there. I am so incredibly happy with where I work I can't even tell you. I genuinely don't mind going to work anymore, and I'm so glad to be able to support myself financially. Having the job I have now makes me feel like a functioning adult and it's glorious.
I turned 28 in February. Twenty. Eight. It sounds so close to 30 it freaks me out a little. Kinda dreading the 29 coming up here soon, but I don't really get a choice in the matter, do I? I also bought a bed in February, and it felt awesome to drag my crappy old air mattress down to the dumpster.
In March I adopted Max. As much of a pain in the ass as he is sometimes, I think it was a good move. Just like with Benji, it's been very rewarding and heart warming to watch Max go from being scared and skinny to being friendly and sweet and playful. His hair is all fluffy now and he plays fetch and sits and shakes hands, and he loves me and Jerbs. Strangers he's still iffy around but he's getting there. I love Max. Not as much as I love Benji, I'll admit that, but still, I love him.
In May I bought a car, and that was probably the biggest thing that happened to me this year. Not just because I got a car but because I did it on my own. It made me feel so incredibly strong and independent to be able to buy it, and I cherish that feeling every time I get behind the wheel. I love my car.
Also in May, just a few days after I bought the car, I hit the one year mark of being single. I didn't care as much as I thought I would, but still, it wasn't a milestone I ever thought I'd get to. I thought I'd be back in Kingman with my ex within 6 months of moving out, so getting to a year without him was weird. It's weird now, to think it's been a year and a half. Maybe by the two year anniversary I'll really be over it.
In June I saw Neil Gaiman and it was awesome!
July marked one year of being back in Flagstaff. That felt like an even bigger milestone than a year of being single. It was difficult to think of the year away from my family; I felt bitter that day, and angry. Then just a few days after I saw my ex for the first time in almost a year, which was really more of an irritation than anything. I consciously kept him at arm's length while he was here; I'm sure I came across as cold and uncaring, and there are moments now when I regret that. Sometimes I think I should have told him, while he was here, how I still feel about him, but more often than not, I'm glad he got to see me not giving a shit. I'm glad he got to see the better me.
Independence Day was probably my favorite day of the whole summer, because of the company and everything else.
In August I climbed a fucking mountain, and it was awesome. I'm looking forward to doing it again in 2014.
The holiday season was challenging for all the same reasons as last year, and while I was more mentally healthy and therefore able to handle it a little better this year, I wouldn't say that it was easier. I missed my ex, plain and simple, and I felt a lot of anger about being single and away from my family and everything. But I survived and that's all that matters, and maybe next Christmas it actually will get easier.
Throughout the year I got more and more mentally healthy. I took my medicine all year (with a few random hiccups but nothing huge), I went to my doctor's appointments, and got my labs done when I needed to; I've never been such a compliant psych patient before. 2013 was full of little moments that made me realize just how far I've come in my battle against bipolar disorder, and for that, I will always and forever cherish this year. There are still days where I find myself in complete disbelief at how much better I am now. I go back through old Facebook statuses or Twitter updates, from when I was sick, and I can't believe what a difference there is. I can't believe I used to live that way. Being mentally healthy makes me feel almost invincible. I know now that I can do whatever I put my mind to, that no goal I set is outside of my reach. And it's all because I'm mentally healthy.
Related to mental health, I also made a lot of progress as far as getting over my ex. That whole situation was something that was on my mind a lot in 2013, and I feel like how I think of it now vs. how I thought of it at the start of the year are completely different. I feel like I've come to really understand how bad I was and how much I put my ex through; I can see my behavior from a perspective of being mentally healthy, and I get it. I totally get it. And I'm ashamed of that part of my past, and I think that guilt will be something I'll grapple with for awhile yet. But at the same time, it feels healthy to have reached this point. I also kind of realized this year how very in control of fixing things I was back then, and that if I had done what I was supposed to do as far as treatment, maybe I'd still be with him. At the same time, though, this year I found myself frequently thinking that I needed to get better on my own if I was going to do it at all. I don't know . . . I'm torn, and I think both are a little bit true, if that's possible.
I would also say that my views on love, romance, and relationships have changed a lot this year, mostly in the sense that now I feel confident in my ability to be loved. I finally, finally feel like I'm capable of having an adult relationship and being with someone the way you should be with someone as an adult, if that makes sense.
This year had its fails too. Mostly I'm disappointed in my weight. I was so determined at the beginning of 2013 that I'd finish the year weighing at least 40 pounds less than at the start of the year, but I'll be starting 2014 about 11 pounds heavier. But I tell myself that 2013 was a year to focus on mental health, which I did, and which I succeeded at, and now 2014 will be a year to focus on physical health.
Normally I feel a little sad at New Year, because it's an end. 2013 is about to become the past, and for whatever reason, that has just always made me sad. But this year, I find myself really looking forward to the new year, to 2014. I think the past couple years of turmoil and transition have made me really appreciate any opportunity for a fresh start--even if it's a mostly symbolic one, like new year. I'm going into this year happy, healthy, and hopeful, and that's tremendous and amazing and I am so damn proud of myself for it!
So goodbye 2013. You were beautiful and wonderful and I will remember you fondly.
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