Out of Sorts

I've felt out of sorts the past few days.  I'm not really sure why and I'm not really sure how to describe it but it kind of sucks.

I feel anxious.  Antsy.  At times almost like I want to crawl out of my skin.  Shades of how I felt when I was still really sick.  Kind of uneasy, like I'm not fully engaged.  Impatient, like time somehow isn't moving fast enough.  I hate it.

I feel twitchy and the pressure in my head has gotten worse.  It makes me miserable.  MISERABLE.

I feel useless and worthless (this comes and goes).  Like a loser.  Like I just kind of suck at everything.  Like I've not got a whole lot going for me (which is stupid because I know I do).  Like I'm treading water and not getting ahead despite having a good job and whatever.

I feel fat.  And ugly.  Like I'm getting bigger instead of smaller.  And I know I need to do better on my diet (seriously, the Dr. Pepper needs to go) but I get so frustrated, because with all this going on I feel like even if I completely cut out soda and kept busting my ass at the gym I'd get nowhere.  It's very very aggravating.

And the thing is that for me frustration can still escalate pretty quickly into rage.  On Monday at the gym, a lot of things went wrong (had my headphones with me but not my iPod, put my locker code in wrong and got locked out of it before my workout and my water was in there; spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what I did wrong since the only staff members on duty were male and couldn't come in the women's locker room unless it was empty, which it wasn't) and I felt a surge of that old rage run through me.  I hated it.  I haven't felt that in a long time (the last time I remember being rageful was September) and it scared me.  I don't like that feeling.

I really don't know what the hell all this is from because before . . . like Monday, maybe Sunday, I was totally fine.  Then all of a sudden . . .

It's frustrating.  And on top of this my mom's been in the ER twice this week (today and yesterday) and she's fine (getting better with antibiotics and steroids) but I'm still worried about her.  And I'm pissed that I'm not in Kingman to be there for her and you can imagine the whole mental can of worms that opened.

Maybe my period's going to start early this month, because this almost feels like the start of a cycle.  So we'll see.  I also think it may be related to the change in the weather recently, because I'm very sensitive to weather changes, particularly from winter to spring/summer.  And we got like 8 or 10 inches of snow this past weekend, and since Monday the temps have been in the 60's.

Whatever the reason I hope this passes soon, because feeling like this again--even though it's not nearly at the same level it used to be--is even worse now that I know what it feels like to be happy.