The Other Side

Did you know that, in the thick of the breakup last May, I threatened to stop all forms of treatment in response to getting dumped?  I very clearly remember saying to Corey, "I can't do this without you.  Getting better isn't worth it if you're not waiting for me on the other side."

I am ashamed to admit how absolutely I meant that at the time.  At that point, I honestly, 100% believed what I was saying, believed that getting better was a waste of time without having something tangible to do it for.  I didn't want to get better for a life I wasn't happy in, if that makes sense, and that was what it felt like: getting better without him was getting better just to go back to something I already disliked.

I'm glad to be able to say now that I was wrong.

Because now, I am on the other side.  And I got to this place without him waiting here, without him doing a thing to help me get here, and it's just as beautiful for it.

Do you know who was waiting for me?  I was.  Me.  Myself.  The real me.  The person I'm supposed to be.  The healthy version of myself.  (And yes, I know how cheesy that is).

This journey has been worth it.  As much as I regret how badly I screwed things up with Corey (I'm going to post about that soon) and as much as I do wish he'd been here to share it with me (because having to do it alone and wanting to do it alone are different things), I have to say that looking back, I really don't know that I could have attained this level of mental health with him in my life.  Which is not to say he was keeping me sick, but more that I really did need to be able to completely focus on myself.

I think deep down I always knew I'd have to do it on my own.  I think I knew that even before Corey came around.  Self reliance has been the most significant thing I've gained from this, and I am grateful for that.

And I have to say that now that I'm here, on the other side, I have no intention of ever going back.