Let Down

I did not get the job at Flagstaff Bone and Joint.  They left me a voicemail today saying that they ended up not needing to hire anyone but that they'd keep my resume on file.

I'm crushed.  Like, totally freaking crushed.  The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it.  I WANTED that job so badly.  I  think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.

I hate this.  I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.

I feel like my life is stalled out.  I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources.  It's so frustrating.  I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes.  I want to buy Christmas presents for my family.  I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.

I feel stuck.  And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.

It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point.  And that's terrifying.  I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing.  And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did.  And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.

That life I want and daydream about?  Not gonna happen.

So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.