Why I Keep Trying

One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.

I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him.  And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.

Very not healthy.  And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.

I'm not getting better for Corey.  I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it.  I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit.  And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.

I was shocked but in a very good way.  And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.

It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him.  Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him.  It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.

I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding.  In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted.  I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.

Corey made me realize how much I wanted that.  I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate.  And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.

And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life.  Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.

And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way.  I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.

Still.  I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst.  Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will.  And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.