--I saw an old college acquaintance at work Friday night. It was near the end of my shift; she came through my register but didn't remember me. Which was fine, because we didn't know each other well at all. But I recognized her, and her last name had changed on her rental account, because she's married now. And her husband was with her, and another couple, and it just . . . well, things like that hurt. Seeing other people who are living a life that's closer to what I want and closer to where I think I should be, if that makes sense. It hurts more now because I feel like I got THIS close to that and failed. And it just kind of depressed me.
--Anxiety attack because the Christmas music section is set up work. (Aside from the anxiety I think it's a bit early . . . we should at least wait until the day after Halloween). Normally I love Christmas and am thrilled when I start to see the signs of it everywhere but this year . . . well, this year I just want to skip all the holidays. Fast forward to March of 2013 and let that be that. I think the reasons are obvious.
--This was NAU's Homecoming weekend, which makes me extremely anxious for a few different reasons. I think some of it might be too personal to get into but let me just say that I don't have a lot of fond memories of my college days. Really, looking back on that time just stresses me out and depresses me. And it being Homecoming is just a reminder that my life has gone completely not as expected in a lot of bad ways. I don't have any close friends from college--I really don't. I don't have anyone to go to Homecoming with, or a husband I can take with me to the game and introduce to my old friends. A very small chunk of that has to do with Corey. And it's also difficult for some other relationship related reasons--but those I know are better left for my private journal. I just wish things had gone differently. And I know it's harder because I'm here in Flagstaff, and that if I was in Kingman, away from the college town setting, and living a happy life with the person I love, I'd be fine with it. Sucks.
--Anxiety attack about money. I don't even think I need to elaborate on this one. I know this wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know I had to get more lab work done. I hate having these disorders that require so much attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be better, and I want to be healthy but . . . I'm not in a position where that's an easy thing to do. It gets stressful.
--Guilt. I don't want to go into detail but there's something I'm feeling very guilty about right now. I might elaborate later.
--Corey. In three conversations at work (one Friday, two Saturday), I talked about him to co-workers. Nothing bad or anything, and it was in a way that came naturally--it wasn't like I wanted to talk about him and forced the subject so I could. Not at all. And it just . . . made me miss him so much. And I just felt lonely and combined with everything else . . . I don't know. I'm just so sad, still, about the whole thing. So heart broken. I still love him and care for him so much and right now this whole thing is just so damn painful.
Right now I just feel broken. I'm scared that I'm feeling this way, because I have been doing incredibly well with my Lithium intake--in the time since I got my prescription refilled, I have only missed one dose*. So . . . I don't know, I guess a part of me is like, shouldn't I be fine? But then I remind myself that I'm dealing with a lot of stress at the moment--money (totally legit stress factor), work (hours, issues with co-workers), health needs (lab work), sleep issues (I'm having bed problems at the moment). And lack of sleep is never a good thing for my moods. Plus I could be starting my PMDD cycle; it's the right time for it, but at the same time, last month it started a little later and was a lot milder so . . . I don't know. Maybe I was just less stressed last month?
Silver lining: I didn't have an actual breakdown today. No rage, no throwing things, no wanting to pull my hair out. I didn't even cry. And I fully expected to; the way I felt when I left work today, my plan was get home, eat lunch, have myself a good cry, take a nap. And I skipped the crying part which is a good thing. So it's definitely a far cry from where I was before.
Hopefully I get to feeling better soon. I don't like this.
*One dose=half my daily intake of Lithium.
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