Snowball

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but, sometimes when one thing happens to tick me off, it snowballs and all of a sudden all I can think about is EVERYTHING I'm ticked off about.

That's what's going on right now.  I was in a fine mood up until like a half an hour ago.

What started it was bad news.  I was looking at the Kingman newspaper's website and on the front page, one of the obituaries was for the husband of a close friend.  I was shocked and sad.  This friend is a former teacher of mine; she was my junior high band director and we played together in the community orchestra.  She is the reason I didn't give up music; she is one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  She was so glad when I came back and re-joined the orchestra, and it was amazing for me to get to know her on a social level.  She now teaches 1st grade at the school where Ex-Fiance teaches and she was one of his biggest allies last year when he was so miserable, and they're now good friends.

I'm sad for her, obviously, for losing her husband.  But it's also so frustrating to not be there for something this big, y'know?  It's frustrating to me that someone I've known for so long is going through something and I had no idea--but Ex-Fiance knew, and she and Ex-Fiance have probably talked about it.  And it's this hugely awful anxiety inducing feeling that Ex-Fiance is living my life, that just because he and I broke up means I don't have a right to my home town or the people in it.  Some of those people I've known for nearly 2 decades for fuck's sake.

And I'm mad that Ex-Fiance didn't bother calling or texting me to let me know.  He knows that this woman and I are close, he knows that I miss her . . . it's like he wants to keep that life for himself and it feels so not fucking fair.  It's kind of a sharp reminder of what the reality is--that I can imagine and hope all I want that Ex-Fiance and I are just taking a break and that we'll eventually get back together but that the truth is he doesn't give a flying fuck about me and we are done done done.

So I was in a bad mood over that, and I knew I needed to just calm down and go to bed.  While I was getting ready for bed I checked my voicemails, and one was from my psychiatrist's office from a few days ago.  It was kinda mean and basically said that they're closing my chart if I don't schedule an appointment within 30 days.

First of all let me say that I tried to call them twice yesterday to set up an appointment and both times I got their voicemail.  Second of all, I don't think they realize how difficult my financial situation actually is.  My last paycheck was $111, which doesn't even cover the cost of one half hour appointment with my psychiatrist.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist but it's like, when I don't make enough in a full two week pay period to cover an appointment, shouldn't I get a little bit of a fucking break?

And then, naturally, I was thinking about how I can't afford it, and I remembered that I still haven't heard back from the awesome interview place and I just got frustrated.  I want that job SO BADLY and I'm so disappointed that I misinterpreted it.  I'm frustrated about this situation in general.  I've been up here for a few months now and I feel like I've hardly moved as far as self improvement.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night.  I'm already starting to calm down, but now all I can think about is how badly I want to see Ex-Fiance and how much I still want to be with him.

I need to go to bed.