Today was one of those days. Just one of those days where I woke up in a fine mood but at some point shortly after I was awake, my mood started to go downhill.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
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