About two years ago now, when I was really struggling mental health wise, I journaled all the time. I mean, constantly. And Ex-Fiance usually read it so he'd know what I was going through. Obviously I journaled nothing but negativity--all of the symptoms, all of the bad thoughts, etc.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
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