Ramblings

I have so much on my mind lately.  I'm kind of in that phase of my head is just constantly moving.  It's not really in an anxious way just . . . crowded, I guess.  Like instead of being linear and focused my thoughts are kind of spiraling out in all directions and they're random.

Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course.  I think about him a lot lately.  I miss him so much.  September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.

I don't even know where to begin.  I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.

I just . . . I miss him.  It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt.  I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before.  I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him.  I felt whole and healthy.  He made me want to get better.  He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it.  I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for.  I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight.  But then I  found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.

It wasn't just him.  I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance.  He made me feel like I could do anything.  He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc.  He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure.  He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless.  I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that.  Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that.    It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.

I loved the life I thought I would have with him.  I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name.  I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good.  I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things.  I never realized that was something I wanted out of life.  I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind.  Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what.  I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.

But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would.  I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness.  And I'm so mad at myself for that.  So so so mad.  That life was right there, waiting for me.  It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon.  And I . . . couldn't.  I just couldn't live it.  And I don't know why.  I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know.  I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.

The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine.  Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life.  And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first.  I tell myself that it is possible.  But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.

That's what I really hate myself for.  The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed.  The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed.  That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him.  And that I lost him because of it.

But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too.  When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow.  Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job.  But I'm certain I had something to do with it.  I shut him down.  I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me.  That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that.  I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that.  Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that.  The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.

I don't understand myself.

I am still hopeful.  I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together.  I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess.  I still believe in it too much.