A Difficult Day

Halloween was hard for me.

I just felt very depressed that day.  It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween.  I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday.  But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.

Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family.  It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family.  It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them.  And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family.  Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy.  On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him.  He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so.  In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.

Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman.  I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's.  My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids.  My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear.  Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin.  After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.

Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it.  It's not a happy though.  It makes me feel like shit.  And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over.  And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well.  I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.

Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc.  Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year.  I love it.  Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited.  I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up.  I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy.  And this year . . . I want to skip it all.

But I'll elaborate on that later.

---------------
In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday.  He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome).  I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June.  When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.

I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being.  But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming.  I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around.  Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!