I think there are 2 big reasons I had trouble settling into life with Ex-Fiance.
1. I think in some way I never felt like I had a right to him. I don't want to get into detail because I don't like remembering all the details, but my and Ex-Fiance's getting together was a bit . . . scandalous. Maybe that's not the right word, but something like that. Ex-Fiance was (very) recently single when we met--like, he'd been single a few hours when we bumped into each other. We started dating a week later and it made quite a few people very angry. And one person spread a lot of rumors and I lost a lot of friends, and it was a stupid petty nightmare. And Ex-Fiance reassured me throughout that he was happy with me and loved me no matter what anyone said but I think on some small level I internalized all that shit and as a result I was never able to feel like he was really, truly mine. And I still feel that difference; other women get to introduce their new man to friends and have girls who could be bridesmaids and . . . I didn't have any of that. So I felt like I was doing it wrong somehow. (I realize now how dumb that is, and even though I don't know how to get over it yet, being away from Ex-Fiance has made me realize how silly it was--I don't care how we do it as long as we do it).
2. I didn't feel like I was good enough for him. When we met I had no job, I was drastically out of shape, I was mentally unstable, I was sharing a cell phone with my roommate (who was also my ex girlfriend). So . . . yeah. Meanwhile Ex-Fiance kind of seemed like everything I wanted and I think I was jealous and a little resentful. So. Yeah. I'll elaborate later.
Ex-Fiance was in an unhappy relationship before me and I wanted to make him happy. And it turns out I was actually worse for him and that makes me feel like shit.
I remember thinking that if he got over her so fast and could be with me already then he must have never loved her. And now he's gotten over me just as quickly and completely and I feel like nothing.
I don't understand how things just end. It's bizarre to me that I lived with him. That I was engaged to him. That I thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life. That I woke up with him on Christmas morning in Chinle, that we cooked Thanksgiving dinner together, that we shared a car, that I helped him decorate his classroom . . . I just . . . I guess I just kind of feel like, how can that not be my life? How can that not be it?
People now seem to get engaged left and right and break up left and right too. I know a lot of people who have been engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I just . . . I don't get it. I can't do that. I don't give my heart away lightly. And when Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him and I said yes, I saw it as a commitment. I wasn't just saying yes to wearing a ring and being called a fiance, I was committing to him for the rest of my life. To the engagement and the wedding and everything that came after in the marriage.
I don't know if I ever felt like Ex-Fiance was that committed to me. But I think the doubt was just the mental illness.
I wish I could just turn my mind off for a day or two. These thoughts are exhausting.
9.07.2012
Ramblings
I have so much on my mind lately. I'm kind of in that phase of my head is just constantly moving. It's not really in an anxious way just . . . crowded, I guess. Like instead of being linear and focused my thoughts are kind of spiraling out in all directions and they're random.
Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course. I think about him a lot lately. I miss him so much. September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.
I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.
I just . . . I miss him. It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt. I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before. I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him. I felt whole and healthy. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it. I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for. I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight. But then I found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.
It wasn't just him. I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance. He made me feel like I could do anything. He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc. He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure. He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless. I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that. Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that. It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.
I loved the life I thought I would have with him. I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name. I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good. I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things. I never realized that was something I wanted out of life. I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind. Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what. I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.
But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would. I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness. And I'm so mad at myself for that. So so so mad. That life was right there, waiting for me. It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon. And I . . . couldn't. I just couldn't live it. And I don't know why. I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know. I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.
The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine. Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life. And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first. I tell myself that it is possible. But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.
That's what I really hate myself for. The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed. The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed. That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him. And that I lost him because of it.
But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too. When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow. Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job. But I'm certain I had something to do with it. I shut him down. I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me. That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that. I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that. Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that. The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.
I don't understand myself.
I am still hopeful. I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together. I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess. I still believe in it too much.
Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course. I think about him a lot lately. I miss him so much. September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.
I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.
I just . . . I miss him. It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt. I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before. I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him. I felt whole and healthy. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it. I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for. I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight. But then I found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.
It wasn't just him. I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance. He made me feel like I could do anything. He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc. He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure. He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless. I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that. Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that. It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.
I loved the life I thought I would have with him. I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name. I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good. I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things. I never realized that was something I wanted out of life. I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind. Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what. I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.
But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would. I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness. And I'm so mad at myself for that. So so so mad. That life was right there, waiting for me. It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon. And I . . . couldn't. I just couldn't live it. And I don't know why. I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know. I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.
The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine. Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life. And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first. I tell myself that it is possible. But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.
That's what I really hate myself for. The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed. The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed. That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him. And that I lost him because of it.
But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too. When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow. Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job. But I'm certain I had something to do with it. I shut him down. I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me. That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that. I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that. Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that. The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.
I don't understand myself.
I am still hopeful. I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together. I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess. I still believe in it too much.
9.06.2012
Random Stuff
1) Hastings got a surprise corporate visit today, and the upper management guys were like OMG your store is a huge mess and way behind in stuff! So now we basically have unlimited hours to get shit done, so I'm going in early tomorrow (though why I agreed to help out when they're effing me over next week is beyond me . . . but whatev). But it's payday and I'm going to buy my new sunglasses and I'm excited about that.
2) Ironically, now that I've been in Flag a few months and am still getting screwed by my job and job hunting, I actually got a call from the Mohave County Sheriff's office about a job I applied for just after the breakup. It's a dispatcher job and they're doing the prelim testing for it tomorrow and Friday so if I can make it . . . yeah. It's really not even something I'd consider at this point but still, it's a bit annoying. Although between that and the five hour work week thing I wonder if it might be a sign to head back? But no, I don't really think that.
3) Tonight on the bus ride after work the bus driver played "Still The One" by Orleans. Totally a song that makes me think of Ex-Fiance and even though it made me sad, I didn't cry. (One night when we'd been dating a few months, that song came on Ex-Fiance's iPod while we were driving. He asked me if I knew it, which I did, and then he promised that he'd sing it to me someday when we'd been married for decades. And he sang it to me that night and all the other times it came on his iPod too).
4) Last night I had a break down. I've been kinda spotty with taking my medicine, which I'm not proud of. I don't know why I get so forgetful about that. So I'm going to try to get back on it and do as well as I was doing. However, I also recovered last night and was OK after about a half hour-ish, so that's definitely a good sign.
5) During said break down I took a walk and ended up deciding to go check out the work out room at the other apartment complex. I didn't have the key with me (and I think it was closed anyway) but the lights were still on and I looked in the windows, and I think they have a few ellipticals! So that's exciting
6) Last night I was trying to help Jenny stretch her back, and I decided to see if I could still do a bridge. I could, which made me happy, but holy hell I was sore today. Like my whole body just ached . . . so no more random gymnastics moves.
2) Ironically, now that I've been in Flag a few months and am still getting screwed by my job and job hunting, I actually got a call from the Mohave County Sheriff's office about a job I applied for just after the breakup. It's a dispatcher job and they're doing the prelim testing for it tomorrow and Friday so if I can make it . . . yeah. It's really not even something I'd consider at this point but still, it's a bit annoying. Although between that and the five hour work week thing I wonder if it might be a sign to head back? But no, I don't really think that.
3) Tonight on the bus ride after work the bus driver played "Still The One" by Orleans. Totally a song that makes me think of Ex-Fiance and even though it made me sad, I didn't cry. (One night when we'd been dating a few months, that song came on Ex-Fiance's iPod while we were driving. He asked me if I knew it, which I did, and then he promised that he'd sing it to me someday when we'd been married for decades. And he sang it to me that night and all the other times it came on his iPod too).
4) Last night I had a break down. I've been kinda spotty with taking my medicine, which I'm not proud of. I don't know why I get so forgetful about that. So I'm going to try to get back on it and do as well as I was doing. However, I also recovered last night and was OK after about a half hour-ish, so that's definitely a good sign.
5) During said break down I took a walk and ended up deciding to go check out the work out room at the other apartment complex. I didn't have the key with me (and I think it was closed anyway) but the lights were still on and I looked in the windows, and I think they have a few ellipticals! So that's exciting
6) Last night I was trying to help Jenny stretch her back, and I decided to see if I could still do a bridge. I could, which made me happy, but holy hell I was sore today. Like my whole body just ached . . . so no more random gymnastics moves.
9.05.2012
Dear Corey
Dear Ex-Fiance,
I've had a lot on my mind lately--a lot of stuff about you and what happened between us and how much my mental illness issues contributed to it.
Then tonight I was reading old emails between you and I and old journal entries of mine that had to do with the mental stuff and you.
And I want you to know that I am sorry. I am so, so, so sorry for everything I put you through.
Because as my head's gotten a little clearer and I've gotten space and time I've started to see how awful I was at points. And I'm so sorry for that. From the bottom of my heart. I put you through a lot that you didn't deserve and I am sorry.
I don't want you to know that in the hopes that you'll want me back or anything like that. I want you to know that because it's a genuine, sincere feeling. I think you're wonderful, and I'm sorry for hurting you.
I truly hope, with everything I have, that someday you will be able to look at me and not see those things. I hope that someday you'll see a woman who has fought a battle and won, a woman you can love and have a future with.
I want you to know that even when I was at my worst, I loved you. That was never in question, not for one second of our relationship.
Love,
Jessica
I've had a lot on my mind lately--a lot of stuff about you and what happened between us and how much my mental illness issues contributed to it.
Then tonight I was reading old emails between you and I and old journal entries of mine that had to do with the mental stuff and you.
And I want you to know that I am sorry. I am so, so, so sorry for everything I put you through.
Because as my head's gotten a little clearer and I've gotten space and time I've started to see how awful I was at points. And I'm so sorry for that. From the bottom of my heart. I put you through a lot that you didn't deserve and I am sorry.
I don't want you to know that in the hopes that you'll want me back or anything like that. I want you to know that because it's a genuine, sincere feeling. I think you're wonderful, and I'm sorry for hurting you.
I truly hope, with everything I have, that someday you will be able to look at me and not see those things. I hope that someday you'll see a woman who has fought a battle and won, a woman you can love and have a future with.
I want you to know that even when I was at my worst, I loved you. That was never in question, not for one second of our relationship.
Love,
Jessica
9.04.2012
Called It!
So remember how in one of my last posts I was talking about how Hastings was suddenly giving me decent hours, and that since I was glad about it I'd get shafted when I got my next schedule?
Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Five hours next week.
One shift.
Yep.
Awesome.
Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Five hours next week.
One shift.
Yep.
Awesome.
Numb
I think the best way to describe how I've felt lately is numb.
I don't know if it's comfortably numb or uncomfortably numb but . . . it is what it is.
Then again, maybe numb isn't the right word. Detached, indifferent, apathetic, and dissociated all kinda work too.
I just feel blah. I don't feel particularly happy but for the most part I'm not feeling any extremely negative emotions either. Aside from a few episodes of crying over the whole breakup thing, I haven't had a breakdown in weeks. I feel like I need to decide what I want to do with my life and there are anxieties associated with that but at the same time it's not an all consuming anxiety. I know the things I need to do (like therapy) and I'm just waiting until I can do them, I guess.
I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. On the one hand it's a good thing that I'm not super anxious and consumed with OMG WHAT IS MY LIFE thoughts constantly (though they do crop up occasionally and I need to write it all down and get it off my chest soon). I don't dread going to work anymore and I've gotten indifferent to the bus but . . . still. But at the same time I think I'm not really invested in my life right now. I feel detached and a little dissociated and that's . . . not good. I never particularly feel like doing anything.
I guess right now my life feels almost exactly like it did a couple years ago before meeting Corey/my diagnosis, only now the Lithium keeps the negative feelings at bay. I just . . . am. I'm empty and nothing. I'm living in my head as the woman I want to be, daydreaming and fantasizing about the life I want, because it's easier than actually moving towards anything.
Therapy therapy therapy. It's becoming more and more clear to me how badly I need to be in therapy.
Sometimes I think this is more about the ability to meet needs than anything else. I was just thinking about that today--how I really can't do anything. Today a good friend of mine is road tripping with her girlfriend to the city they're planning to move to soon, to job/apartment scout. And it occurred to me that it must be amazing to just be able to DO that. I want to leave AZ so badly. I want to start fresh somewhere new but . . . I can't. I'm broke and car-less and I can't just leave, y'know? Right now my eyes are really bothering me and I need an eye exam and new glasses (I wear reading glasses but the Rx is really old, I'm sure I need new ones), and I . . . can't. I don't know when I'll be able to. Sometimes I think that's what makes just living so difficult for me--the fact that no matter how little something costs, I can't just do it. Like last week I found sunglasses I want; they're $5.99 and I couldn't buy them. I need a new wallet, but same thing. There are these little things in life that most people just take for granted and don't think twice about but I don't get to have that luxury.
And I'm not saying that in a bitter way, at least not in this instance. I'm just pointing out the fact. Life is difficult when every little thing, no matter how insignificant, is a struggle. It's frustrating to have to push all your needs to the back burner--small ones like sunglasses or big ones like buying a car or in between ones like an eye exam.
I just wish I had the ability to say oh, my eyes are bugging me, and call and make an appointment. Instead I say, oh, my eyes are bugging me . . . the exam plus glasses will probably be at least $100, so I should budget for $150 . . . I get paid this week but I need this, this, this, and that, so . . . hopefully my next paycheck will be big enough to put away say $75 and hope I can hold onto that until my paycheck after that and then I can get an eye exam.
Oh, the joys of being poor.
I think that my reaction to not being able to do anything is to do nothing. Instead I spend my money on little things that'll make me kind of happy for a little while because . . . aside from those tiny little things my life really is basically nothing.
I don't have anything in my life that makes me really happy. I don't have anything that makes me really angry or sad. I don't know what I want to do career wise or school wise. I don't even really know what I like anymore. It's awful. This is why I need therapy . . . which is a priority over an eye exam no matter how bad the eye strain headaches get.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like to live a good life, to be genuinely happy, I'd have to be a completely different person. Sometimes I think I'm so far gone that there's no going back, if that makes sense.
I don't know if it's comfortably numb or uncomfortably numb but . . . it is what it is.
Then again, maybe numb isn't the right word. Detached, indifferent, apathetic, and dissociated all kinda work too.
I just feel blah. I don't feel particularly happy but for the most part I'm not feeling any extremely negative emotions either. Aside from a few episodes of crying over the whole breakup thing, I haven't had a breakdown in weeks. I feel like I need to decide what I want to do with my life and there are anxieties associated with that but at the same time it's not an all consuming anxiety. I know the things I need to do (like therapy) and I'm just waiting until I can do them, I guess.
I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. On the one hand it's a good thing that I'm not super anxious and consumed with OMG WHAT IS MY LIFE thoughts constantly (though they do crop up occasionally and I need to write it all down and get it off my chest soon). I don't dread going to work anymore and I've gotten indifferent to the bus but . . . still. But at the same time I think I'm not really invested in my life right now. I feel detached and a little dissociated and that's . . . not good. I never particularly feel like doing anything.
I guess right now my life feels almost exactly like it did a couple years ago before meeting Corey/my diagnosis, only now the Lithium keeps the negative feelings at bay. I just . . . am. I'm empty and nothing. I'm living in my head as the woman I want to be, daydreaming and fantasizing about the life I want, because it's easier than actually moving towards anything.
Therapy therapy therapy. It's becoming more and more clear to me how badly I need to be in therapy.
Sometimes I think this is more about the ability to meet needs than anything else. I was just thinking about that today--how I really can't do anything. Today a good friend of mine is road tripping with her girlfriend to the city they're planning to move to soon, to job/apartment scout. And it occurred to me that it must be amazing to just be able to DO that. I want to leave AZ so badly. I want to start fresh somewhere new but . . . I can't. I'm broke and car-less and I can't just leave, y'know? Right now my eyes are really bothering me and I need an eye exam and new glasses (I wear reading glasses but the Rx is really old, I'm sure I need new ones), and I . . . can't. I don't know when I'll be able to. Sometimes I think that's what makes just living so difficult for me--the fact that no matter how little something costs, I can't just do it. Like last week I found sunglasses I want; they're $5.99 and I couldn't buy them. I need a new wallet, but same thing. There are these little things in life that most people just take for granted and don't think twice about but I don't get to have that luxury.
And I'm not saying that in a bitter way, at least not in this instance. I'm just pointing out the fact. Life is difficult when every little thing, no matter how insignificant, is a struggle. It's frustrating to have to push all your needs to the back burner--small ones like sunglasses or big ones like buying a car or in between ones like an eye exam.
I just wish I had the ability to say oh, my eyes are bugging me, and call and make an appointment. Instead I say, oh, my eyes are bugging me . . . the exam plus glasses will probably be at least $100, so I should budget for $150 . . . I get paid this week but I need this, this, this, and that, so . . . hopefully my next paycheck will be big enough to put away say $75 and hope I can hold onto that until my paycheck after that and then I can get an eye exam.
Oh, the joys of being poor.
I think that my reaction to not being able to do anything is to do nothing. Instead I spend my money on little things that'll make me kind of happy for a little while because . . . aside from those tiny little things my life really is basically nothing.
I don't have anything in my life that makes me really happy. I don't have anything that makes me really angry or sad. I don't know what I want to do career wise or school wise. I don't even really know what I like anymore. It's awful. This is why I need therapy . . . which is a priority over an eye exam no matter how bad the eye strain headaches get.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like to live a good life, to be genuinely happy, I'd have to be a completely different person. Sometimes I think I'm so far gone that there's no going back, if that makes sense.
9.03.2012
A New Month
It's September!
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
9.01.2012
2 Months
As of today I've been back in Flagstaff for two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
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