More Ramblings

I think there are 2 big reasons I had trouble settling into life with Ex-Fiance.

1.  I think in some way I never felt like I had a right to him.  I don't want to get into detail because I don't like remembering all the details, but my and Ex-Fiance's getting together was a bit . . . scandalous.  Maybe that's not the right word, but something like that.  Ex-Fiance was (very) recently single when we met--like, he'd been single a few hours when we bumped into each other.  We started dating a week later and it made quite a few people very angry.  And one person spread a lot of rumors and I lost a lot of friends, and it was a stupid petty nightmare.  And Ex-Fiance reassured me throughout that he was happy with me and loved me no matter what anyone said but I think on some small level I internalized all that shit and as a result I was never able to feel like he was really, truly mine.  And I still feel that difference; other women get to introduce their new man to friends and have girls who could be bridesmaids and . . . I didn't have any of that.  So I felt like I was doing it wrong somehow.  (I realize now how dumb that is, and even though I don't know how to get over it yet, being away from Ex-Fiance has made me realize how silly it was--I don't care how we do it as long as we do it).

2.  I didn't feel like I was good enough for him.  When we met I had no job, I was drastically out of shape, I was mentally unstable, I was sharing a cell phone with my roommate (who was also my ex girlfriend).  So . . . yeah.  Meanwhile Ex-Fiance kind of seemed like everything I wanted and I think I was jealous and a little resentful.  So.  Yeah.  I'll elaborate later.

Ex-Fiance was in an unhappy relationship before me and I wanted to make him happy.  And it turns out I was actually worse for him and that makes me feel like shit.

I remember thinking that if he got over her so fast and could be with me already then he must have never loved her.  And now he's gotten over me just as quickly and completely and I feel like nothing.

I don't understand how things just end.  It's bizarre to me that I lived with him.  That I was engaged to him.  That I thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life.  That I woke up with him on Christmas morning in Chinle, that we cooked Thanksgiving dinner together, that we shared a car, that I helped him decorate his classroom . . . I just . . . I guess I just kind of feel like, how can that not be my life?  How can that not be it?

People now seem to get engaged left and right and break up left and right too.  I know a lot of people who have been engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I just . . . I don't get it.  I can't do that.  I don't give my heart away lightly.  And when Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him and I said yes, I saw it as a commitment.  I wasn't just saying yes to wearing a ring and being called a fiance, I was committing to him for the rest of my life.  To the engagement and the wedding and everything that came after in the marriage.

I don't know if I ever felt like Ex-Fiance was that committed to me.  But I think the doubt was just the mental illness.

I wish I could just turn my mind off for a day or two.  These thoughts are exhausting.