Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately. I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to. I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him. The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real. Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way. Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again. I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
9.19.2012
Beautiful Words From A Stranger
I'm a huge blog stalker, which I've mentioned on here before. I love reading other peoples' blogs and finding out about their lives . . . it just fascinates me.
So a few nights ago I discovered hisgiantmistake.com. It's the blog of a woman named Cleo, who discovered her husband was having an affair, and the journey that discovery has taken her on thus far. She writes beautifully and she talks a lot about finding herself, loving herself, and paying attention to the signs that are all around us in our lives. It's really just a beautiful blog, full of hope and optimism.
I found myself really moved by it, because I'm most definitely on a self-discovery-figure-out-my-life kind of journey right now. Cleo talks a lot about signs and in a way I think I was supposed to find her blog at this point in my life. So much of what she said was just comforting and uplifting to me and I'm grateful for her words.
So grateful that I emailed Cleo, and told her how much I enjoyed her blog and how inspired I was by her. I mentioned that I thought I was supposed to find her blog and I told her how I came to be on my own journey--about being dumped before my wedding and all that.
And to my surprise, she wrote back! And it was one of the best emails I've ever gotten. She thanked me for reading and writing, and told me that I dodged a bullet. It was just all so sweet and encouraging, and then this:
"This experience is going to create such a rich layer of beauty inside of you. I just know it."
Isn't that lovely? I think it's probably the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me since the break up, and I am holding onto those words.
I just love it. It's fantastic that people can connect to each other via blogs. Seriously, I love it.
And if you have a chance, check out Cleo's blog. It's awesome.
So a few nights ago I discovered hisgiantmistake.com. It's the blog of a woman named Cleo, who discovered her husband was having an affair, and the journey that discovery has taken her on thus far. She writes beautifully and she talks a lot about finding herself, loving herself, and paying attention to the signs that are all around us in our lives. It's really just a beautiful blog, full of hope and optimism.
I found myself really moved by it, because I'm most definitely on a self-discovery-figure-out-my-life kind of journey right now. Cleo talks a lot about signs and in a way I think I was supposed to find her blog at this point in my life. So much of what she said was just comforting and uplifting to me and I'm grateful for her words.
So grateful that I emailed Cleo, and told her how much I enjoyed her blog and how inspired I was by her. I mentioned that I thought I was supposed to find her blog and I told her how I came to be on my own journey--about being dumped before my wedding and all that.
And to my surprise, she wrote back! And it was one of the best emails I've ever gotten. She thanked me for reading and writing, and told me that I dodged a bullet. It was just all so sweet and encouraging, and then this:
"This experience is going to create such a rich layer of beauty inside of you. I just know it."
Isn't that lovely? I think it's probably the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me since the break up, and I am holding onto those words.
I just love it. It's fantastic that people can connect to each other via blogs. Seriously, I love it.
And if you have a chance, check out Cleo's blog. It's awesome.
9.18.2012
Weigh In # 2
Today the scale said . . .
177!!
That's another 2 pounds gone and makes my total 3 pounds!
I'm pretty stoked!
Seeing results (even if they're not huge) make me want to work harder. I'm still doing well exercise wise and I'm getting better about food--I haven't had fast food since Saturday so that's good.
I'm looking forward to next week!
177!!
That's another 2 pounds gone and makes my total 3 pounds!
I'm pretty stoked!
Seeing results (even if they're not huge) make me want to work harder. I'm still doing well exercise wise and I'm getting better about food--I haven't had fast food since Saturday so that's good.
I'm looking forward to next week!
Some Frustrations
I'm starting to get very irritated with the whole job search thing. Hastings continues to go downhill . . . I only have 11 hours and 45 minutes this week . . . which is a bit better than five hours but still not enough to matter. I seriously don't even feel like I have a job anymore.
At this point I've started applying for both full and part time jobs. I WANT to be working full time, but at this point I figure something that's part time but consistent is better than Hastings. I mean, I think it'll be better to have something that's guaranteed 20 hours a week, as opposed to something that's 24 hours one week and 5 the next.
I try to tell myself that it's temporary. That whatever job I get that's part time, it won't be my job forever, and something full time will come along. Take it one day at a time and blah blah blah. There are just so many things I want and need to buy, dammit!!
I am also trying really, really hard to keep my mind off the fact that the day after tomorrow is or would be or whatever my 2 year anniversary with Corey. 9-20 is not going to be an easy day for me. Some part of me is always hoping that he'll tell me he still loves me and still hopes to work it out, and I think deep down some part of my brain has always been like, wouldn't it be awesome if that happened on the anniversary.
I know. I'm kidding myself and being stupid.
But I've actually been doing OK lately. My mood's been a lot more stable, I've been doing a lot better with taking my medicine consistently, I've been doing well with working out, I haven't had fast food for the past two days now so . . . y'know, I'm not doing horribly right now. Plus I've been writing, and that is just such a huge deal for me.
Life just feels . . . scattered right now. Like there's a lot that needs to be done and not a lot of resources/ability to do it, and that gets frustrating.
Like I said, it's all about one day at a time. Sometimes I find myself thinking I'll get there, but really, I AM there . . . because it's about the journey, not the destination. I firmly believe that.
At this point I've started applying for both full and part time jobs. I WANT to be working full time, but at this point I figure something that's part time but consistent is better than Hastings. I mean, I think it'll be better to have something that's guaranteed 20 hours a week, as opposed to something that's 24 hours one week and 5 the next.
I try to tell myself that it's temporary. That whatever job I get that's part time, it won't be my job forever, and something full time will come along. Take it one day at a time and blah blah blah. There are just so many things I want and need to buy, dammit!!
I am also trying really, really hard to keep my mind off the fact that the day after tomorrow is or would be or whatever my 2 year anniversary with Corey. 9-20 is not going to be an easy day for me. Some part of me is always hoping that he'll tell me he still loves me and still hopes to work it out, and I think deep down some part of my brain has always been like, wouldn't it be awesome if that happened on the anniversary.
I know. I'm kidding myself and being stupid.
But I've actually been doing OK lately. My mood's been a lot more stable, I've been doing a lot better with taking my medicine consistently, I've been doing well with working out, I haven't had fast food for the past two days now so . . . y'know, I'm not doing horribly right now. Plus I've been writing, and that is just such a huge deal for me.
Life just feels . . . scattered right now. Like there's a lot that needs to be done and not a lot of resources/ability to do it, and that gets frustrating.
Like I said, it's all about one day at a time. Sometimes I find myself thinking I'll get there, but really, I AM there . . . because it's about the journey, not the destination. I firmly believe that.
9.16.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Austin
The other day I was thinking of all these stories I wanted to post in my blog, and I decided to just post them on Sundays. And call it Sentimental Sunday so . . . here goes!
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The day my little nephew was born was definitely one of the most exciting days of my life. I admit that I wasn't thrilled when my sister found out she was pregnant but eventually, I got really excited to be an aunt.
Her due date was Halloween day, 2008, but by November 4th there was still no baby. November 4th was election day and I was at work (for a 12 hour shift, 8--8). I was watching election results on my computer and I was absolutely stoked that Obama was winning. And then my mom called, and told me that my sister was at the beginning of labor, and they were heading to the hospital.
My mom called a few more times that night, letting me know how things were going, and it was progressing slowly. By the next morning (11-5-08) there was still no baby. I was working again from 8--2 and by 10, what I knew was that things were starting to move faster.
I was at my desk and I happened to glance at my computer and notice that it was 11:11. So I made a wish: I wished that my nephew would be born.
At 11:40, the phone rang and it was my mom, calling to tell me that my nephew had been born! He was born at . . .
11:11 AM.
Yep. I wished for him and he came!! Hearing that was one of the coolest moments of my life, and I remember thinking then, this little boy and I are going to have a special connection to each other.
And now he's almost 4 years old, and he's this walking talking thinking swimming little man who loves airplanes, helicopters, tools, books, Legos, Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear, and drums. He's a fantastic little boy who calls me Auntica and I love him more than anything. I miss him tons, and I am grateful to have him in my life.
Here he is through the years. Isn't he precious?
--------------------
The day my little nephew was born was definitely one of the most exciting days of my life. I admit that I wasn't thrilled when my sister found out she was pregnant but eventually, I got really excited to be an aunt.
Her due date was Halloween day, 2008, but by November 4th there was still no baby. November 4th was election day and I was at work (for a 12 hour shift, 8--8). I was watching election results on my computer and I was absolutely stoked that Obama was winning. And then my mom called, and told me that my sister was at the beginning of labor, and they were heading to the hospital.
My mom called a few more times that night, letting me know how things were going, and it was progressing slowly. By the next morning (11-5-08) there was still no baby. I was working again from 8--2 and by 10, what I knew was that things were starting to move faster.
I was at my desk and I happened to glance at my computer and notice that it was 11:11. So I made a wish: I wished that my nephew would be born.
At 11:40, the phone rang and it was my mom, calling to tell me that my nephew had been born! He was born at . . .
11:11 AM.
Yep. I wished for him and he came!! Hearing that was one of the coolest moments of my life, and I remember thinking then, this little boy and I are going to have a special connection to each other.
And now he's almost 4 years old, and he's this walking talking thinking swimming little man who loves airplanes, helicopters, tools, books, Legos, Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear, and drums. He's a fantastic little boy who calls me Auntica and I love him more than anything. I miss him tons, and I am grateful to have him in my life.
Here he is through the years. Isn't he precious?
9.15.2012
Saturday Lessons
1. The mall can be a great diet motivator. Wandering around and seeing tons of cute jeans/shirts/sweaters/boots makes me want to work harder at getting in shape. (I know I don't really need to lose weight to wear boots, but the boots can be a reward for losing weight!)
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
9.14.2012
A Work Fiasco and An Old Friend
I mentioned before that I had one scheduled shift at work this week, and then I agreed to cover a shift for someone as well. The scheduled shift was Thursday 9--2, the cover shift was Friday 4--8:30.
Well, naturally I had awful insomnia Wednesday night and I ended up not being able to sleep until almost 6 AM. So when my alarm went off at 7:30 Thursday morning there was just no way I was moving. In a moment of rebellion and anger, I said fuck it, and went back to bed. I didn't call in.
So when I woke up, there were no missed calls on my phone from work. Which surprised me but whatever--I don't exactly work with a bunch of geniuses.
Then this morning I woke up to a missed call from work, and when I checked the voicemail, they were basically asking if I was coming in for my 9--2 shift. I rolled my eyes and immediately felt very superior. I was like, pish, idiots either didn't read the schedule right or randomly changed the schedule in the middle of the week (not my fault). So I figured I'd just go in at 4, show them my printed schedule that showed my Thursday shift, and say I forgot about it or something.
Then when I was waiting for the bus, I decided to look at my printed schedule just for the hell of it.
And wouldn't you know it, I was wrong, and I was scheduled 9--2 today.
I was like, shit. I felt so stupid. So incredibly stupid. I had been absolutely certain that I was supposed to work yesterday. I called work and was forced to talk to the store manager and I said I'd just had it in my head that I was supposed to work 9--2 on Saturday. They weren't happy but they didn't fire me. Then I called back around ten to four to say I was running a bit late for the 4--8:30 shift and I was told that the girl I was covering for was there so I wasn't needed.
So I didn't work any hours this week! Go me!
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But the good thing was that Jerbs was getting off work about the time all this was going down, so since we were both out, we met up and went to Sally's and PetSmart (where I met the prettiest little baby kitten who was built like a siamese but an orange tabby). Then we decided to eat at Chipotle, and Theresa randomly showed up!
We were totally stoked to see her, and she was wearing her USFS uniform, which makes her look pretty B.A. She got food at Chipotle (her girlfriend and others were eating next door at Panda, which Theresa can't eat on her gluten free diet) and we chatted, and then she offered us a ride home, which was awesome!
On our drive home we went through campus and looked at the new dorms and parking garages and reminisced about when we were in school and how different it is now than when we were there. We talked about how we both went to band day at NAU as high schoolers, and how weird it is that we were there at the same time without knowing we'd ever be friends. We talked about the time in '07 when we played in the parking garage and parking lot during a massive rainstorm, and I remembered how I used to drive to South Campus to visit Heather and Theresa and go to band practice and games . . . so weird.
But sometimes it's nice to reminisce and remember, especially with someone who's such a good friend and who's been there for so much of those experiences. And tonight, the remembering didn't make me anxious, or at least not as much as it has at times.
Either way, it was a decent day: no work, kittens, Theresa, and a trip home that didn't involve the bus!
Well, naturally I had awful insomnia Wednesday night and I ended up not being able to sleep until almost 6 AM. So when my alarm went off at 7:30 Thursday morning there was just no way I was moving. In a moment of rebellion and anger, I said fuck it, and went back to bed. I didn't call in.
So when I woke up, there were no missed calls on my phone from work. Which surprised me but whatever--I don't exactly work with a bunch of geniuses.
Then this morning I woke up to a missed call from work, and when I checked the voicemail, they were basically asking if I was coming in for my 9--2 shift. I rolled my eyes and immediately felt very superior. I was like, pish, idiots either didn't read the schedule right or randomly changed the schedule in the middle of the week (not my fault). So I figured I'd just go in at 4, show them my printed schedule that showed my Thursday shift, and say I forgot about it or something.
Then when I was waiting for the bus, I decided to look at my printed schedule just for the hell of it.
And wouldn't you know it, I was wrong, and I was scheduled 9--2 today.
I was like, shit. I felt so stupid. So incredibly stupid. I had been absolutely certain that I was supposed to work yesterday. I called work and was forced to talk to the store manager and I said I'd just had it in my head that I was supposed to work 9--2 on Saturday. They weren't happy but they didn't fire me. Then I called back around ten to four to say I was running a bit late for the 4--8:30 shift and I was told that the girl I was covering for was there so I wasn't needed.
So I didn't work any hours this week! Go me!
---------------
But the good thing was that Jerbs was getting off work about the time all this was going down, so since we were both out, we met up and went to Sally's and PetSmart (where I met the prettiest little baby kitten who was built like a siamese but an orange tabby). Then we decided to eat at Chipotle, and Theresa randomly showed up!
We were totally stoked to see her, and she was wearing her USFS uniform, which makes her look pretty B.A. She got food at Chipotle (her girlfriend and others were eating next door at Panda, which Theresa can't eat on her gluten free diet) and we chatted, and then she offered us a ride home, which was awesome!
On our drive home we went through campus and looked at the new dorms and parking garages and reminisced about when we were in school and how different it is now than when we were there. We talked about how we both went to band day at NAU as high schoolers, and how weird it is that we were there at the same time without knowing we'd ever be friends. We talked about the time in '07 when we played in the parking garage and parking lot during a massive rainstorm, and I remembered how I used to drive to South Campus to visit Heather and Theresa and go to band practice and games . . . so weird.
But sometimes it's nice to reminisce and remember, especially with someone who's such a good friend and who's been there for so much of those experiences. And tonight, the remembering didn't make me anxious, or at least not as much as it has at times.
Either way, it was a decent day: no work, kittens, Theresa, and a trip home that didn't involve the bus!
A Milestone
Last night I entered my first creative writing contest.
I'm pretty excited about it!
I'm also just pretty excited that I finished a writing project in general.
I finished a writing project!! That's something I haven't done in a long, long time. The last time I finished a writing project was before I met Corey, and that particular project was only semi-original. And I have wanted to be a writer since I was 5 years old. So this is kind of a big freaking deal.
And who knows? Maybe I'll win or place. Even if I don't, I'm still damn proud of myself for being able to finish something to enter.
Just the fact that something is finished feels amazing to me. This particular short story is one I've had in my head for years and in a way, I feel like a weight is lifted now that I've finally used the idea. And my confidence has definitely gotten a boost--if I could finish that project then I can finish more.
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But there is also something bittersweet in this. And it has to do with Corey (are you surprised?).
Finishing a writing project means I did something for myself. I did something because I enjoy doing it and it is an interest of mine. I did something that is potentially a part of the career I see for myself, and that puts me closer to being a successful writer. And there is just this odd sense of life going on, and it's kind of weird to think that I'm living for myself and working on myself when this huge part of my life just ended and this huge part of myself still feels completely wrecked from it, if that makes sense.
I guess it shows me that I can do it. That whatever is or isn't going on with me and Corey, I've got my own life to live. And it makes me feel like I can do all the other things I need to do, like therapy and all that. And that's a good thing.
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I'll know by Dec. 31st what the results of the contest are. Fingers crossed!!
I'm pretty excited about it!
I'm also just pretty excited that I finished a writing project in general.
I finished a writing project!! That's something I haven't done in a long, long time. The last time I finished a writing project was before I met Corey, and that particular project was only semi-original. And I have wanted to be a writer since I was 5 years old. So this is kind of a big freaking deal.
And who knows? Maybe I'll win or place. Even if I don't, I'm still damn proud of myself for being able to finish something to enter.
Just the fact that something is finished feels amazing to me. This particular short story is one I've had in my head for years and in a way, I feel like a weight is lifted now that I've finally used the idea. And my confidence has definitely gotten a boost--if I could finish that project then I can finish more.
---------------
But there is also something bittersweet in this. And it has to do with Corey (are you surprised?).
Finishing a writing project means I did something for myself. I did something because I enjoy doing it and it is an interest of mine. I did something that is potentially a part of the career I see for myself, and that puts me closer to being a successful writer. And there is just this odd sense of life going on, and it's kind of weird to think that I'm living for myself and working on myself when this huge part of my life just ended and this huge part of myself still feels completely wrecked from it, if that makes sense.
I guess it shows me that I can do it. That whatever is or isn't going on with me and Corey, I've got my own life to live. And it makes me feel like I can do all the other things I need to do, like therapy and all that. And that's a good thing.
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I'll know by Dec. 31st what the results of the contest are. Fingers crossed!!
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