Bringin' My A-Game in April!

It's April.  And I'm excited about it.  Yeah, it started off a smidge crappy with my bad day Monday but hey, it was a Monday, and I'm still excited.

I just feel glad for a new month.  I've been kind of slacking in some areas the past couple months (namely my diet) and I'm just done with that.  I don't know why but something about this trip to Kingman this past weekend just made me feel better.  Happier, calmer, more hopeful, renewed.  It made me think about how I want to work on myself even harder and how much I still need to do.

So this month, I'm going to work my ass off.  I'm going to be stricter about my diet, I'm going to workout with a vengeance, I'm going to improve at work, I'm going to save money, I'm going to write.

This is more than just a renewed sense of confidence, though.  I experienced a really amazing mental shift this weekend that I think will do wonders for me as I continue to get better.

I feel like for a long time, I have this sort of false sense of determination.  Like I'll say that I'm going to do this or do that and even though I want to do those things, I can't seem to stick with it.  And I always promise myself that this time'll be different and this time it's for real and so on but I also always know that I'm lying to myself.  And I hate it but I've also been in a place where I try not to push myself and just do what I can, and it's frustrating to be afraid to push myself, if that makes sense.

But . . . I don't know.  All of a sudden this weekend, I believed myself.  I told myself, I am going to do this, and I believed.  I do believe it.  And while this probably doesn't seem like a huge deal, I think it is, because I finally trust myself.  I finally believe myself.  I finally feel like I can rely on myself.  And it is overwhelming and I know that this time it's for real.  I love it.

I also realized something else this weekend.  I've felt, for quite awhile now, very READY to talk to Corey about us and our relationship.  Like I'm ready to have that conversation and all that.  And this weekend I realized that I'm actually not completely ready, that I have to work a little more on myself before that conversation happens.  I think what I need is just one month where I do really, really well.  Where I stick to my goals and the things I need to do, where I just get even better.  So hello April!

Plus that realization--that I'm not ready--didn't actually bother me.  It's hard, because I want to talk it out now (this is all assuming that he wants to talk it out too), but also, I felt calm.  I trust that if that conversation is supposed to happen, then it will, and whenever it happens it will be the right time.  I have a good feeling that that conversation is in my future, though.