So this thyroid thing is getting really, really annoying.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
No comments:
Post a Comment