Frustrated

Ever since I decided to go back to Flag and that this is really something I'm going to do, I've had these moments, here and there, of extreme frustration, almost anger.

I don't WANT to start over.  I don't WANT to have to figure my life out again.  I don't want to consider grad school, I don't want to have to buy a car, I don't want to put my life on hold.  That's what this feels like a lot--putting my life one hold.  I think of all the things I wanted to do with Corey this summer, like go hiking and camping and fly kites and do puzzles and just have fun together and GET MARRIED, and I know that now I won't get to do any of those things.  And I know we can do them eventually, but I don't like having plans change like that.  I don't like uncertainty; I don't like not knowing.  Because I have borderline personality disorder, a change of plans that seems manageable (so we'll go camping next summer or this fall, so we'll get married later) feels like a complete identity shift to me.  Losing those plans and that life, essentially, makes me feel like I don't know who I am or where my life is going, etc.  It fucking sucks.

I don't want to start over with Corey.  I know that it's necessary and I know that someday I'll look back on this and know it was a good thing.  I know that it'll be exciting if he visits me in Flagstaff to take me on dates, or sends me random texts that he misses me (I so hope those things happen).  But I'm impatient, and I don't want to do the hard stuff.  I just want to get to the OK part where I look back with gratitude.

I tell myself that I'm going to have fun during this split, because getting better is good.  I am going to remember myself, I am going to find my inner strength and confidence again, I am going to think about my life outside of Corey and decide what I want to do with it.  I am going to hang out with Jerbs and work my butt off and pay off my old debts.  I am going to try and buy a car.

I am going to do things that make me happy that I didn't feel I could do while I was in my relationship.

I would like to note, though, that I didn't feel like I couldn't do those things because Corey was holding me back or anything like that.  It was just that I didn't know how to balance those things with being with him.  I want to learn how to be a good partner and an independent person, and that will start with fixing the mental illnesses.  If I had been totally mentally healthy when Corey came along, this balance thing wouldn't be an issue.

I'm also frustrated because of these blurry lines we have going on right now.  For the past week Corey and I have been affectionate with each other; we've been sharing our bed (I legit can't sleep on the couch) and just generally, we've reconnected a little since the breakup.  Neither of us regret it or anything, and we've agreed that we'd both rather leave on more cuddly terms than angry or indifferent ones.  I guess it's not really frustrating so much as that it makes me feel torn between these two lives, if that makes sense.  I'm kind of in purgatory because one life isn't quite over and the other hasn't quite begun, and my borderline parts don't like that very much.

I bitch and bitch about not wanting to start over or figure out my life again, but the reality is that I never had it figured out to begin with.  I have never known what I want to do with my life; I have never had any real long time goals.  Well, to become a novelist, yes, but I've never had a solid career plan or anything like that.  So really this is the first time I'll be figuring it all out for real.

Which then makes me angry because I'm 27 effing years old and I should be way ahead of this point by now.

Mostly my anger is at myself.  I'm angry for not having gotten my shit together a long time ago.  I knew something was wrong and that I needed help and I didn't do crap about it.  I didn't reach out and ask for help either.  And I'm angry at myself for screwing things up with Corey, because I know that I had something really amazing with him--I had an awesome guy who really did see something in me, and who only wanted to help me, and who only ever tried as hard as he could for me.  And instead of being grateful and letting him help I let the disorders have him, too.  He wanted and tried to be stronger than the bipolar disorder but I wouldn't let him.  That shit always had a stronger grip on me than he did.  I hate hate hate hate myself for that.

Sigh.  I really need to go to bed because it's almost 6 AM and I work at noon.  Today's going to be awesome.  [sarcasm]