My Decisions

So once it was established that I needed to move out, I decided to go back to Flagstaff and live with Jerbs.

A lot of people have taken issue with this, but I really do think it's the best option.

If I were to stay in Kingman, I would most likely have to go stay with my sister.  She lives out in Rancho, I don't have a car, and the bus system doesn't run out there.  I won't have a car in Flagstaff either, but Flag has a great bus system that I know how to use.  I feel like I can be more independent up there, whereas here, I'd constantly have to be making transportation arrangements and I hate feeling like I'm being a burden.  Plus, I have a job and roommate waiting for me in Flagstaff, so moving up there really isn't a lot of work for me.

I also kind of feel like, at this point, the more space the better for Corey and me.  If I stay here, I'll see him regularly (orchestra, bells).  And I just don't want it to be awkward, because right now, Corey's fairly affectionate with me at home, but around other people, not as much.  And it's not something I want to put myself through.  Plus I feel like if I just moved out and went to my sister's and was close by, it would be easier to give in to loneliness--in other words, it would be easier to just move back in with him if he missed me, or spend the night with him if he was lonely, or call him and ask him to come over if I was lonely.  We need some actual, real space from each other, and this is the best way to do it. I'm not a huge fan of leaving, and I'll miss a lot of things--my family (esp. my nephew), my co-workers, this house, bells, orchestra.  And of course Corey.  But I really do think it's better this way, because I've seen what happens when we say we need space and don't give it to each other.

About a year ago, Corey and I broke up.  It was a lot of the same things but after about a week, he confessed his love for me and we basically got back together.  And I was ecstatic, and I never did any of the things I said I'd do in the course of the breakup (like committing myself to my treatment).  This is what we should have done a year ago.

So I'm going to take some time for myself.  I'm going to try to remember who I am, I'm going to treat the bipolar, I'm going to dedicate myself to myself.  I'm going to become the person I want to be: a healthy, happy, independent woman who knows how to live her life.  That's what I've wanted since I very first got sick, and that's what I've never been able to do.   While I do want things to work out with Corey, I am not getting better for him or because he told me I had to.  I want to get better because I want to like my life, and I want to like myself.  At this point I've lost enough time to being miserable.

And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.