Getting Close

I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman.  Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life.  (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point).  It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave.  At all.

I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.

I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back.  My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away.  But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it.  I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was.  I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that.  And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore.  I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.

I have 3 biggest fears.  One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place.  I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there.  Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me.  Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him.  We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either.  So I don't know what's going to happen.  Is he going to call me right away?  Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore?  I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore.  (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done).  And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else.  I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry.  Out of sight . . . out of mind.

I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time.  There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future.  Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.